Grieving...

[Kim]

I lost my horse at age 31 last month. :(

For those who have lost a horse and have another horse, do you find that you worry about the surviving horse now?

My surviving horse, who is a young and beautiful TB, developed a "barn cough" during the past couple of days, only in the morning after being in the barn all night. As soon as she gets outside, she is fine. I think it is because other folks have been closing up the barn at night "to keep it warm." I always thought that was bad for horses (to be in a closed up barn), and I think that is why my mare has been coughing - but that is whole 'nother story. I have the vet coming to make sure there is nothing else going on.

Anyway, I find myself constantly worrying about this cough thing, and imagining that it is much worse, etc. I think it is in large part because I just lost my other horse, and cannot bear to have something else happen.

Has anyone else been through this?

It's raining, which doesn't help my mood...I really miss my girl. :(

Thanks for listening.

[Paddys Mom]

If I can be completely honest, I have gone the other direction.

My old gelding (23 years together) was my once in a lifetime horse.
My young mare and I were getting along okay but I figured that would change once the old guy was gone.
It did change.
I often think I wish it had been her that coliced, and not the old guy. :cry:
I am mad at her a lot.
I compare her constantly to him.

She is for sale.
Sigh.

[Pye]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is never easy and I think it is normal to worrie for your other horse. It will get a little better each day. That's what they tell me. I just lost my Boxer of 11 yrs. I have a female boxer who is now 8 in Jan. I find myself doing the same thing with her. I think it's part of the healing.

[asterix]

I've done both; worry obsessively about the remaining horse, and struggle to accept the new horse (I had two, lost one, bought another one).

It gets better with time, as does everything about this process, but it is slow.

Last night I drove out along the 70 acre field in terrible fog, trying to find my horse, who I just turned out, and who had taken off at a dead run to find his buddies. I listened to his hoofbeats as long as I could, and then found I couldn't go home until I found him safe and sound in the herd. It's been a year and a half, and this is the "new" one I struggled to adopt into my heart. so I guess I'm coming full circle.

Just accept this as part of the grieving process.

[myhorsefaith]

From what I can tell you- it is normal. I just lost my best & most favorite 3 weeks ago yesterday.

She was my guiding light- and really a huge factor for my decision to adopt 2 others. And now that all I have left are the "2 others"- they look like complete strangers to me. I have no idea how to interact with them, and my feelings toward them are luke warm- when they were once much much warmer. I still feel responsible for them, and generally, yes, I do like them, but it ends there. I've come to realize that they were making up for what my favorite horse could not physically do, and in return they got the leftovers of love and compassion that I had for her....and now that she's gone, I'm concentrated on missing her, and there is no longer a gap for them to fill. If anything, I feel almost like blaming them for her being gone, or better, getting angry at them because they are still here and she had to go.

it is sad, really. Sometimes i just want to get out of it. But I'm thinking this is just normal and it too shall pass.

I still cry, hard, every. single. day.

[rabicon]

Sorry for your lost, I understand. We lost our 34yr old after a fight with colic and trying to do sx but it just wasn't fair to wake him up after the sx so we let him go. That was 2 years ago. We have a horse that was very very close to him and I really worried about that horse. (He was my boy) I think he knew that Bids wasn't coming back when we took him out on the trailer. He screamed and screamed for him and we had to leave, our friends stayed with him while we took Bids to UGA and they said he just paced the fence. We got back without Bids and my boys settled down and did okay. I think horses know alot more than we think and I'm sure your boy will do fine with some time.

[Kim]

Thanks everyone. I am also finding myself getting angry at my barn-mates for closing up the barn doors/windows, but I think it is part of my grieving also. I feel like everything upsets me these days...

There is an empty stall in the back of the barn, with much more ventilation, but then I worry that she may get really upset being back there without the other horses.

(SIGH)

[FlashGordon]

I am so sorry for your loss. :sadsmile: I remember your original thread, and I was glad you started the Memorial thread earlier this week.

I go both ways. My guy passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. In the vet's words, "something ruptured." Some sort of aneurysm is best we figure.

Not long after he died, I took on an old, skinny TB that probably should not have pulled through. Many a friend and family member thought I was headed for another heartache. Believe it or not he is doing fabulously, and I'm glad I took the chance.

Sometimes I worry obsessively about him, other times I have this odd feeling like... it really is just out of our hands. And all we can do is enjoy the time we have and not stress about the small stuff.

I suppose it is all part of the grieving process. And while I love the new guy, and appreciate his unique personality, I do miss Dan terribly. All of the time.

Anyway... hang in there. It is a tough time of year. I hope 2009 brings you a renewed sense of peace...

[DressageGeek "Ribbon Ho"]

I worry and I haven't lost Ted.

[Alexie]

it's not straight forward is it, i lost my 29 year old gelding 3 months ago, we'd had him since we got him as a foal at foot with his mum, so 28 and a half years - he took me from my early teens to my 40's and i can't get over it :o

i've lost horses before, horses that meant a lot to me, so i know i'll start to handle it better as time goes on, but it hits me now and again like a bullet, out of the blue.

i miss the old bugger, and it hurts :(

my interest in riding my younger horse has gone for now, but i know it will come back in time as this happened before

just have to grin and bear it until the time is right to pick things up again
xxx

[Kim]

Thanks. It helps to know that others understand.

[jengersnap]

Hugs, Kim.

When I lost my 32 year old (year ago this November), it took a while to find my equilibrium again. Seeing another bay in her stall even months later would put me in tears. I threw my sporatic winter training efforts into a green horse I had, and a "companion" I'd had for my old mare who I'd been riding lightly just kind of went on the back burner for the season. I had surgery looming in the spring, went through that, and finally rejuvinated the interest in the horses while recovering at home with them for 2 months. Bonded with the "companion" horse, discovered another horse was bonding with me, and finally sold the no-longer-green horse who was safe/sane/sensible/why-on-earth-would-I-part-with-her and kept the two horses who were bonding with me instead. I'm finally feeling the twinges of a partnership like the one I had with my dear old gal with my 6 year old thoroughbred mare. Hopefully this will continue and I can do justice with the training on this horse, because she brightens my days again.

[Freebird!]

Oh Kim I had no idea that Chutney was gone. :( For the newbie COTHers out there, Kim wrote a wonderful book titled "Beyond The Rainbow Bridge" which I hope she is finding some comfort in, during this tough time.

[spookhorse]

I worried obsessively about Sam before she was gone. Due to her issues, it was a constant struggle for everything to be "just right" for her comfort and it spilled over into the care of the other horses and I find myself still doing that with them now that she's gone. Maybe I worry even more because I couldn't stand to lose another one so soon! I have to sit back and remind myself that they're not all so fragile as Sam was, they are all in good health.

I lost my old TB gelding unexpectedly 10 years ago, my barn manager found him dead in the field. From that day on, I've been extremely paranoid when any horse lays flat out for too long or I get to the barn and can't see a horse in the field and they don't come up into my vision soon enough. If I have to go looking for a horse my heart starts pounding and I have to rein in the panic while I hunt them down from where ever they have fallen asleep in some hollow. Usually they are mad cause I wake them up and make them get up so I can check that all four legs are still intact :lol:

[Bogie]

{{{Hugs}}} I'm sorry for your loss :no:. My best horse ever died in October leaving me and his barn mate, my OTTB, really distraught.

For the first 48 hours my TB was really frantic. He was galloping back and forth looking for his friend. He was anxious and spooky. He didn't want me to touch him and he wouldn't go into the barn. (there are other horses on property, just not in his barn). He just looked depressed - it was so evident that even my husband noticed.

I didn't really want to go to the barn either. It made me so sad to be there. I forced myself to go for him. I brought him treats, groomed him, gave him massages and went for short hacks. It was hard not to be angry with him just because he isn't Kroni. He is a very nice horse and I just remind myself to enjoy him for who he is.

Grieving is hard and it's a long process. My TB is pretty much back to being himself now. I had a friend move her horse into the other stall in the barn and Freedom is much better now that he has a companion.

He's really started to blossom now that he has my full attention and I'm bonding with him more. I've forgiven him for not being Kroni, and he's rising to the challenge of being number one horse.

My only advice is to keep going through the motions until you start to feel better and to give your remaining horse a big hug and a carrot.

[summerhorse]

I think about it more but I don't really worry about her that much. I'm still in the missing the big head over the fence stage. I do worry more about her getting cast though since that took horse number one. (this is no. 2 and no. 3 just passed)

[fleur de duc]

right there with you!

lost my mare in july .. the next day my gelding went lame and ended up having 10 weeks total off due to coming/going lamenesses.

finally all was well and we both took a bad fall to which he fractured his sinuses and just looked like he had been hit by a bus. i was constantly worried for him.

then he has had some issues on and off ..

now my pony is having major eye issues where he is now blind in his left eye and we still do not know why .. despite our trip to new bolton today.

so yes .. i always have the thought in the back of my mind. i am way more protective of my boys now. i cant even imagine loosing them too. they both mean alot to me, but the pony especially .. he is my baby .. he brought my mare so much happiness that I feel he deserves a life of love and care.

and to just ad to it all .. my TB frequently trys to give me a heart attack by jumping the fences. thankfully he has been able to clear them (even the 5'4 one!) but still, all it takes is one misstep!

[webmistress32]

I see this quote on your sig line "True love is taking their pain away and making it yours"

we lost my daughter's pony mare this past July. she was a funny girl, mean, ornery, nasty. tried to kill me with double barrels more than once or twice. but we came to realize after living with her that she had been man-handled some time in her past and just needed time to learn that wasn't going to happen here.

she was high maintenance from day one with ulcers and picky eating and her weird self protective behaviors. but always a dream for my 11 year old daughter with huge confidence issues. she could do anything from that pony's back I swear they'd go through fire for each other.

we had her for three years and then one day she started losing weight. it was a horrible four months watching her deteriorate and nothing we were doing seemed to make a difference. finally I had her separated off from the rest of the horses and I was sleeping in the barn with her.

we took her to the clinic and they gave us bad news. it was the hardest thing I've ever done to ask them to please give her the shot and I screamed and cried when we did it. even thought I lost my best friend Ares the dog years ago I have never felt pain like that. I still cry over her all the time and have a little "Lucy" shrine at home.

I didn't want to take care of my other horses for weeks but I forced myself to go to the barn. things are better now but I do worry unreasonably about anything whatsoever out of sorts.

[Cparkinson]

hello all,
Yes, I too worry about the surviving horse more than ever.

I lost Star when she was 27 years old, and even though we had several of her daughters----it was never the same.

She was such an awesome animal and all the kids loved her too.

[abbydp]

I lost my first horse a couple of years ago. He was 27 and lost to a rupture. He and my OTTB lived together, same pasture, same feed, etc. I was panicked thinking I had done something or not done something. The surgeon assured me I didn't, that they don't know why it happens. Still, not an easy time. While he was colicking we were walking up and down the barn aisle. Every time we passed my young boy's stall (who survived colic surgery several years before) he would gently put his nose out and touch him. That was totally out of character. Usually it would have been a bite! We took him to the hospital but couldn't save him :( When I came home and walked in the barn my boy whinnied louder than I have ever heard him whinny. Once he saw me come around the corner alone he put his head down and quietly went to the back of the stall. He wasn't right for weeks after. I always make sure I tell him every time I walk away, either to go to work, or when I go in to go to bed, how much I love him and that he's a good boy just in case. In one way it was a little easier, because the one I lost was retired, and the one still here is the one I ride and spent the most time on and with. I didn't love the old guy any less, I have loved him for what feels like my whole life, I just wasn't as focused on him.

I am so sorry for everyone's losses. They never get easier, but somehow we live through it. I am getting to the place where usually I can think about him with more smiles than tears. I say getting, because sometimes it's the other way around, not all the way there yet. I truly feel blessed and better for having known him, even though I lost him. He lived a good life, and was adored by his girls.

[magicteetango]

If I were to be completely honest, I've never gotten over the loss of my first "love". It was almost 4 years ago. I've had my Bean for a few years now, but I never ride (probably ridden him MAYBE 30x), groom to the point of satisfaction, and never spend time.

It's very sad. I take good care of him and my other horses, but I really feel it's because it's always been my life. I'd feel naked without them in it. And he's such a character, and he knows who I am, that in his eyes I'm his. He follows me around, and is always so attentive and affectionate with me. He wants to be my best friend. But although I do love him, I just can't take those walls down and let him in.

My mare I've known for three years. I just recently acquired her to get her out of a bad situation. Honestly, I plan on probably giving her away. Under saddle, she's my perfection. But I just can't seem to get connected, and I want her to have someone that really loves her.

The horse I've had since just before he died, we've never clicked or bonded. I've tried so hard to force myself, but I still feel resentment. Yes, I have him, and he's happily retired. But... I just don't love him, I never, ever will. I'll forever associate him with that horrible time in my life.

A bit of a confession. I've never said it out loud. Maybe someday I'll be over it.

But to answer your original question, I did worry about my other horse after my boy died. Constantly. If he seemed the littlest bit off, I swore up and down he was dieing. I was constantly wanting to drive out in the middle of the night just to make sure he was still breathing. That's normal.

[Kim]

<<He's really started to blossom now that he has my full attention and I'm bonding with him more. >>

I am finding that with my mare as well. She was never really affectionate, but since my older mare passed, she seems to be much more cuddly and looking for attention. She even whinnied to me when I entered the barn this morning. So, that brings me some comfort. :)

[chai]

I am so sorry for your loss, Kim. I've been through that experience more times than i'd like to remember because mr. chai and I take in a lot of unwanted or older horses, dogs, cats, bunnies, etc. It's always hard to say goodbye, and it's normal for you to have some difficulty opening your heart to your other horses so soon if the one you lost was extra special.

I'm glad to hear that you were greeted by a whinny this morning. That's such a nice step toward healing, for both you and your horses. I know there are some people who think that horses just move on immediately when they lose a stablemate, but I believe that they do mourn, and there is always an adjustment period in a herd of any size when they lose a member. It can be very upsetting to the horses left behind, so your horses may be going through a difficult transitional period, too.

I have found that in time, each horse finds a special place in your heart, and when you open yourself to forging a bond with your other horses, you might be pleasantly surprised to find qualities in them you missed while your attention was so focused on your favorite one.

((Hugs)) to you during this sad time. I hope it will get easier for you.