Leaving home for horses...

[rideforthelaurels16]

...is something I just did. I'm seventeen, graduated early in June, and moved to Virginia from Maine a few days ago to be a working student at Phyllis Dawson's Team Windchase. I've been having a lot of trouble because I'm so damn homesick, and right now it's hard to look forward to anything, or even want to ride or do anything like that. I do feel better when I'm in a lesson and for a while post-lesson because I'm so focused, but of course I'm still constantly wondering whether I made a mistake. My dream all my life has been to make it to the top level of eventing, and I would hate for that to change. Is it normal to feel like this in the midst of such a big transition? Will I feel better? I am, as my mother puts it, a "homebody" and I've always been an emotional person and inclined to hold onto things...give me advice! Please!

[LexInVA]

Immense change takes time to adjust to. Especially moving as far away as you did. I'm not gonna throw out the cliche that you have to make commitments and sacrifices to get places but you definitely made a huge leap coming here. I'm sure there are few young riders who would have done the same. I believe you will feel much more comfortable in the Spring when you can really see what it's like here and you'll be romping around with Phyllis all over the place.

[cleartheoxer]

You're kidding right??!! You did say you're 17 right? Darlin', you're still a baby. Of course you're going to be homesick. There would be something wrong if you weren't. It will probably take some time for you to feel better and I'm not saying that to be rude. I'm just saying that so that you know that it's going to take time. You have done alot in your short years and you should be proud of yourself. Don't jump too fast into anything. Take your time and know that if you want, you can go home and no one will think anything less of you. Call your mom as often as you want or need to, she'd want it that way and if you feel like crying, then cry. I wish you the best.

[coloredhorse]

Please know you are not alone. Most people when they leave home for the first time in their late teens -- be it for college, work, military, whatever -- experience homesickness. It can be quite intense. But it is very normal and it passes.

Just get up each morning, put one foot in front of the other, do what you need to do. Act enthusiastic and positive even if you don't feel it -- a version of "fake it 'til you make it." Have a smile and kind word for everyone around you and really reach out to your new community. Avoid sitting around and pining, get busy, get involved. If you have downtime during your workday, find little things to do. When the workday is over, try to arrange some social time with your coworkers, or other students, working or otherwise.

Taking steps like these will help your new situation also feel like "home." It won't be the same "home" as where you grew up, but it will be a new home. And you will have many more such new homes ... every new residence, every new job is another new "home."

[HelloAgain]

I have learned that if you must leave a place that you you have lived in and loved and all your yesterdays are buried deep -- leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour, because it is dead. Passed years seem safe one, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance. The cloud clears as you enter it. I learned this, but like all people, I learned it late.
Beryl Markham, from West with the Night

As she tells this story, Markham has taken her horse, Pegasus, and leaving to begin her race horse training career in 1920's-era East Africa. She was a very unusual woman. I recommend the book.

[rideforthelaurels16]

Thanks everyone for the helpful advice. It's good to know that I'm not feeling this way because I made the wrong choice. I do know that I could go home but I don't want to do that and then regret it! (Plus, what am I going to do back in Maine?! :lol:) I've been calling my mom, my trainer back home, and yes...crying a lot. I'm kind of a shy person so I have a little trouble putting myself out there but I try not to cry when there are people around and I've been integrating myself into the crowd bit by bit! Hopefully all us working students can go on a Thanksgiving hack which will definitely make me feel better :)

[OnThinIce]

The difference between an ordeal and an adventure -- attitude.

Embrace your dream. Roll with the changes. Adjust. Be flexible. Don't ham-string yourself by second guessing you made a mistake. Pretty soon you'll convince yourself you have. Then where will you be? Home lickety-split. Think about yourself twenty years from now. What do you want to remember? Being unhappy? Or that you grew up and learned a lot, following your dream?

[JanM]

It takes a lot of courage to leave home at your age, and I think it shows that you're a strong person. It just takes time to fit in at a new place and it takes time to make new friends. I think you'll be fine and a few months from now you'll wonder why you were unhappy.

[SLW]

Ditto Onthinice and keep a journal, not an online journal, but an honest to goodness old fashioned, handwritten journal! Amazing how much good it does to write down your feelings- it is healing and helpful.

Good luck!

[Curb Appeal]

I was older than you when I did it, but I packed up an moved across the country (MN to FL) on a whim at age 24. I saw an ad for a grooming position in Wellington, applied, and about a week later I hit the road. My parents were shocked and thought I was nuts, but it worked out for the best. I met my best friend and my husband when I was in FL.

It's hard at first, but it will get better. Journaling is an excellent idea.

[kdow]

It takes a lot of courage to leave home at your age, and I think it shows that you're a strong person. It just takes time to fit in at a new place and it takes time to make new friends. I think you'll be fine and a few months from now you'll wonder why you were unhappy.

When I was 18 (just by a couple of days) I moved to England (from east-coast-US) and ended up staying for a fair amount of time. It was a HUGE change, and I did have homesick moments, but it was also a fantastic experience and turned out to be really good for me. (I also tend to be pretty shy/quiet in person.)

Just hang in there and give it a bit longer to see how you feel as you settle in. (Btw, it's also pretty normal to have homesickness initially, then feel like you've settled in, and then after a while be hit with homesickness again. So don't sweat it if it comes up occasionally in the future. :) )

I know it takes time to make friends, but is there anyone in particular you feel more comfortable with right now? If you do, you could mention to that person that you want to get out and do more and be social, but that you're shy and thus not comfortable with 'inviting yourself along' as some people would do. It might help to have someone there with you who is encouraging you to do things.

[pintopiaffe]

Would it help if I told you that it's been between 15 + 22 all week, with windchills into the SINGLE DIGITS, and now we're in for a week of sneet, frizzle, rain and gale force winds?

And you miss Maine WHY???

Seriously... It's a HUGE adjustment. Some good advice above. It's perfectly normal to be homesick, and even to have doubts. When I first went to college it was only 2 hrs from home. I transferred TWELVE hours from home the following year. I HATED IT. I'd gone sight unseen. My parents wanted me to go there... they know more than I do, so I went. The thing that kept me going was I had to go home for a wedding 6 weeks in. I knew I had that break. And if I really hated it enough, I would make arrnagements at the 6 week mark to not go back after Christmas break.

Is there any sort of small increment you can look at as a 'deciding point?' Say six or eight weeks from now? (Christmas break? New Year's?) Sometimes if you know you need to just buckle down for "a time" you can suck it up. Then when that time comes... you find out you don't hate it as much as you thought you did.

Being a working student is not for the faint of heart. The days are long and cold and dark... the work is HARD. The mental game is hard.

But as someone said, this is IT. This is your opportunity of a lifetime. ALLOW yourself to feel sad and homesick... then look at where you are and what you are doing.

Hang in there.

[rideforthelaurels16]

I will do the journal thing (and I'll have to bug myself to keep it up, I suck at those kinds of things ;) ) My trainer back home suggested that too. I do have a blog about it all too though! Haha! Reading your positive suggestions is really helping me be excited for tomorrow - a new day and a new viewpoint. Thanks so much, guys, you have no idea how much it means to me!

[IronwoodFarm]

Congratulations of chasing your dreams, Ride. Not many 17 year olds have the opportunity and the courage to do it. Don't be hard on yourself about finding the transition challenging. Life is not a linear progression....there are all sorts of bumps, loops and spins along the way.

I would urge you to approach your new situation on a "one day at a time" basis. Do your best today and don't worry about tomorrow, next week or next month for now. Just get through today. This technique has helped me get through some pretty stressful times.

And I'll put a plug in for Team Windchase. I grew up with Phyllis. Grace was my 4-H leader. They are good people and you are in a good place to learn your craft.

[Lady Counselor]

It'll get easier. When I first left, I too was only 17. It was really tough at first. But then I made friends, and it became easier. Schedule trips back home so you don't feel stuck. I couldn't, so it made it that much harder.
Go meet some folks, through the barn, maybe get out into the town, join a gym, or take up a craft hobby if you are so inclined and there is a place to do it. Pick something where you can interact with folks. The internet is fine to a point, but you need real interaction too.
Any colleges in the area? They usually have all sorts of things going on, music, etc.
VA folks have always been nice to deal with. It's a good part of the country. I bet in just a couple of months you are going to feel a whole lot better about all of it.

[JRG]

What a brave person you are. I wish I had half of the nerve you have when I was your age. I am only going to repeat the wonderful words of encouragement from all the above posters.

You have an opportunity at your feet and have jumped in to take the challenge. Relish it! This will be a time when you look back upon it fondly and thankful that you did it.

The only suggestion I would add is when you get up in the am, change your attitude first. The world looks so much better through positive eyes rather then negative ones. You will have to remind yourself of that often untill it just becomes habit.

What about getting involved in your local GMO. You will meet more like minded people and I am sure they could use the help.

Really, your fine.

[Pokey]

I was a week out of high school, and 17, when I went off to be a groom at a show barn on the east coast. I wasn't the homesick sort because I'd always had a wandering independent streak in me, but it was hard the first year.

It took me close to a year before I stopped being emotional, moody, crying...all that nonsense that comes from being a young adult voluntarily thrown into real life. All the stuff your feeling is the growing up part. I had been shy and naive, sheltered, coddled, and never really worked hard before. I had no idea what life was like. It surprised the hell out of me. :)

It's hard when you're 17 to realize that it just takes time to settle, and you have to be patient - really, that's much of what it is, and when you are 17 - you have so much ambition and drive that being patient just doesn't enter the equation. You want it, and you want it now. Waiting until your brain catches on to the learning part, the being adaptable part...it doesn't come naturally to everybody, you know?

One thing that I think helped settle my mind was reading. I did a LOT of reading! It kept my mind from wandering off into the stuff that made me sad about whatever it was that was making me sad. I had a journal too...but just didn't keep up with it.

Instead of going "home" to Maine to visit, try and get your family to visit you...show them around, be proud of what you know, that sort of thing. Go off on "adventures" - alone, or with a friend, and go exploring - whether it be the property, the town, or the next town over. It helps.

[BuddyRoo]

This will all be part of your story.

It's a tough part. But without challenges, without something to overcome, how much can you truly value success?

In 10 years....you will have this amazing story (still in progress)...you'll be 27 years old. And I am willing to bet that most 27 YO's you'll meet won't have seen or done half of what you have. You will likely find yourself with greater focus AND greater peace because you will not have the regrets of not pursuing your young adult dreams.

You'll be fine. This is just the beginning....the beginning isn't always easy.

Hang in there.

I ditto the journaling...I think you might just amaze yourself. (not to mention make most of us here terribly jealous with your exploits!) At 17? Tremendous courage. I envy you in a big way!

If you include North America....I have lived on 3 continents. All before I was 25 years old. I hadn't even had my "dream" yet at 17. Didn't get it til a little later. But I'm telling you....the stories...you'll have these wonderful amazing stories and have all of these people and memories and experiences...as you get older, you'll look back on the challenging parts and thank God that you didn't throw in the towel...

So don't do it. Keep your chin up and keep your eyes on the prize. You can do it!

[tx3dayeventer]

Ridefor-

I too, was 17 and about 2 weeks after graduating high school when I packed up my horse, my trailer and truck and moved 18hrs away from South TX to North Alabama to be a working student for Jim Graham.

It is a major adjustment and you will feel very homesick for a little while.

You did not make the wrong decision, if you want to be an ULR in eventing you need to be at a BNR/BNT's barn putting in the time & gaining sweat equity. You will learn SOOOO much working for Phyllis!!!!!!!!!!!! She is WONDERFUL!

It will get better. I too, was an emotional homebody and an only child. I was 18+ hours away from my parents, friends, animals (besides my show horse) and it was hard. I really bonded with some of the other working students and that made it better. I also made friends with some of Jim's other clients that came in for lessons so that was also good.

Those 4 years were the best I have had so far :D and I would do it again in a HEARTBEAT!!!

It took about 9 months for me to feel comfortable and "home" and only then did I stop threatening myself to pack my stuff and move home after a bad lesson :D

PM me if you wanna chat about it since I have been in your shoes.

Have fun and ride your butt off!

[oldenmare]

One other thing I'd recommend is spend less time on the computer and instead, do something else - read a book, write in your journal, check out the local parks, libraries, museums, etc.

I'm really noticing a direct correlation between time spent on-line and people I know with depression.... can't help but think there is a link. I have a new policy myself of trying not to get on-line when at home as I can lose hours just sitting in front of the computer, rather than getting something accomplished. So, now if I need a respite from chores, horses, whatever, I open a book or magazine (or if enough time, put in a movie)....

Its too easy to get into the virtual world and forget that you can be actually leading a life in the real world, imo.

I was the first one in my family to move out of state - it was rough, but most definitely worth it. I was young, had no money (couldn't ride b/c too expensive and not enough time from my job to work part time to pay for lessons) - but I discovered a number of great things that were local and free. I did have my dog, too, and he and I went exploring all over - and it is NOT that cold in VA that you can't get out most days to go somewhere.

Good luck - and look for ways to have FUN!!! Also, make yourself smile - its amazing what that alone can do for your mood/outlook!!!!

[ddashaq]

I left home right after high school to spend a year overseas riding. I was homesick (at times) but made some of the most amazing friends of my life and had SO MUCH fun!!! I agree with whoever said get off the computer-- I was a WS so I did not have time for that and I think that it helped A LOT. Once you feel more settled, I bet that you will get a huge amount out of this experience!:)

[Empressive Award]

First off... Welcome to Purcellville! :lol:

I'm not sure how accustomed to the country life you are, but Purcellville can be a big shock for the suburban/urban girl. I can tell you it was for me. I move here when I was 17 too, but not for the fantastic opportunity you have.

I followed my dad and my family around the world with a military career and he finally retired here of all places, after 7 years in Silicon Valley (Hell), Ca, super 6 months in SUPER rural Alabama. But dont get me wrong, this is some of the best horse country in the nation, and you will meet some fantastic, and some not so fantastic people here and make great connections within the horse world. Hopefully Phyllis will teach you alot! She is pretty well known in this area, and although I ride for another upper level eventer and I just started getting in Dressage and Eventing, I will most likely attend all the same shows next season... we may cross paths.

As far as feeling home sick, I can understand how you feel. Its what kept me from leaving home after high school and pursuing my paid ride to college for Equine Sciences degree... man am I regretting that now. BUT home sick is a temporary thing, and dont let it get you down and think twice about what you are doing. This could be your big break, and could really open the doors for you. If I had that opportunity to be a full time working student, I would do it. However, I'm working a full time job, a part time job, trying to get in some riding when I can and trying to go back to school to finish my degree in the spring...its a lot of work. But I keep telling myself there will be an end somewhere and one day I will be able to focus on my riding, like you are doing now.

Im also going on 23, you are 17... you still have a lot of growing up to do and for that matter so do I. You have your whole life to work on your goals. But do what makes you happy now, and if its horses, go for it! (advice given to me by many cothers!)


Good luck with your riding!

p.s. If you need any ideas for things to do in the area, or places to eat, visit, tack shops, hangouts etc, let me know!

[Rienzi]

You have only been there for a few days? That's just not enough time to get used to anywhere. Accept that you feel like crap. It's normal. Don't worry about it or focus on it... you're not weird or stupid for feeling homesick. It's a big decision and a big change, and it's going to feel funky for a while. BUT... most likely the worst part is already behind you! It's like Dec. 21... it's the BEST day of the year because it's when the days stop being shorter and start being longer!

This is not to say that there won't be ANY crappy days in the future. There probably will be, scattered here and there. Just don't obsess about it. Remind yourself where you are and what you're doing. It's great! Explore the area. Ask questions. This is what you have wanted to do and now you're doing it! It's amazing! Congratulations!

[rideforthelaurels16]

Hey all - just thought I'd give a little update. I've been here for about a week and a half now and I'm really starting to feel at home. I've gotten to know two of my fellow WS's and we have a blast together - we all went on a big Thanksgiving hack and have "movie nights." When I have some alone time I read as much as possible - don't really spend that much time online. I'm definitely glad I'm here and I've already learned so much!

[LexInVA]

I think you'll have a blast in the Spring and Summer. :)

[nightsong]

Thanks everyone for the helpful advice. It's good to know that I'm not feeling this way because I made the wrong choice.
Maybe you are. Just because OTHERS were homesick and had made the right choice doesn't mean YOU a re. Check out your feelings -- figure out WHAT it is that makes you feel bad. Being away fromMom? Living with other people? The climate? Some chance you missed out in Maine? When you know what is bothring you, you can make the right choice.

[AKB]

You might want to see if you can take a class at the community college or Shenandoah this winter. Winters in Virginia can be long, cold, and lonely. If you are taking a class once a week, you will at least be meeting some people your age, as well as getting college credit. In the spring, you will be meeting people and having fun at events. However, spring is a long time away. You need to do something now so you develop a network of nearby friends.

[spirithorse22]

I think you were smarter than me at 17. That's water under the bridge now (for me)...but anyway...
Whenever I started getting a little homesick here in Montana, or when I was living in Wyoming, I went hiking. I love hiking anyway, so I'd grab my backpack and try a new trail.

I would also say to myself, "How many people get to live/explore this area?" And I would put on my hiking boots, grab my pack, and a map, and start exploring. I'd get out into the crisp mountain air, my camera in hand, and by the end of the hike, I'd be physically tired-a good thing-and just bubbling with pleasure b/c of the scenery. I also wanted to know the 'real' areas-so I drove to trail heads and really checked out the hikes. I know that's not the safest thing to do, but I didn't really have a choice here in Bozeman...did go hiking w/ a fellow wrangler in Wyoming.

I have to say though, my problem has never been feeling homesick or scared of leaving. lol I am restless, restless, restless. I could take a lesson from you and get a little more focused! Good luck! Let us know how you feel this turn of the year!


Oh, I will say I'm proud I stuck out the ranch experience in Wyoming. That first month, I thought it was hell, but this has been the best experience of my life and I'm proud of giving it a try. I've hiked the Tetons and Red Hills, climbed Middle Teton, guided trails through the Gros Ventre wilderness, ridden through critical elk habitat w/ white outs in June, helped haze cattle and drive herds to stock pens, packed horses through mountains, and have also explored the southwestern portion of Montana. Sorry, I'm giving myself a pep talk as well as you. :lol:;)

[eventmom]

Another thing that might help you is getting to know someone with a family. My daughter is in college. She brings friends over just to get a home cooked meal, and be around people that are not her age! I think it really helps the kids stay connected to life. Heck, I would be more than happy to have you at my house! All the regular stuff... good home cooked food, a good game of monopoly, kids hanging from the chandlers, apple pie, and mom and dad! We are about an hour from where you are, but I'd be nice to you:) You could take my girls on a trail ride:) Or, maybe you are sick of kids?

You'll be just fine. And yes this is very normal.

[Evalee Hunter]

I think you'll have a blast in the Spring and Summer. :)

Maybe you are. Just because OTHERS were homesick and had made the right choice doesn't mean YOU a re. Check out your feelings -- figure out WHAT it is that makes you feel bad. Being away fromMom? Living with other people? The climate? Some chance you missed out in Maine? When you know what is bothring you, you can make the right choice.

You might want to see if you can take a class at the community college or Shenandoah this winter. Winters in Virginia can be long, cold, and lonely. If you are taking a class once a week, you will at least be meeting some people your age, as well as getting college credit. In the spring, you will be meeting people and having fun at events. However, spring is a long time away. You need to do something now so you develop a network of nearby friends.

And, to AKB. I can't imagine you've ever been a working student - 80 hour weeks, 6-1/2 or 7 days, horse emergencies. Take a class? what an impossible, laughable suggestion. Many big name trainers expect an absolute commitment of availability.

Another thing that might help you is getting to know someone with a family. My daughter is in college. She brings friends over just to get a home cooked meal, and be around people that are not her age! I think it really helps the kids stay connected to life. Heck, I would be more than happy to have you at my house! All the regular stuff... good home cooked food, a good game of monopoly, kids hanging from the chandlers, apple pie, and mom and dad! We are about an hour from where you are, but I'd be nice to you:) You could take my girls on a trail ride:) Or, maybe you are sick of kids?

You'll be just fine. And yes this is very normal.

Does anyone read the thread before replying? Did any of you quoted above read the update? (quoted below)

Hey all - just thought I'd give a little update. I've been here for about a week and a half now and I'm really starting to feel at home. I've gotten to know two of my fellow WS's and we have a blast together - we all went on a big Thanksgiving hack and have "movie nights." When I have some alone time I read as much as possible - don't really spend that much time online. I'm definitely glad I'm here and I've already learned so much!

[LexInVA]

And, to AKB. I can't imagine you've ever been a working student - 80 hour weeks, 6-1/2 or 7 days, horse emergencies. Take a class? what an impossible, laughable suggestion. Many big name trainers expect an absolute commitment of availability.



Does anyone read the thread before replying? Did any of you quoted above read the update? (quoted below)

As a matter of fact, I did Miss Honeybuns. There isn't shit going on around here in the Winter which is why I said she'd have a blast in the Spring and Summer. :)

[avezan]

I have learned that if you must leave a place that you you have lived in and loved and all your yesterdays are buried deep -- leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour, because it is dead. Passed years seem safe one, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance. The cloud clears as you enter it. I learned this, but like all people, I learned it late.
Beryl Markham, from West with the Night

As she tells this story, Markham has taken her horse, Pegasus, and leaving to begin her race horse training career in 1920's-era East Africa. She was a very unusual woman. I recommend the book.

Great Book! Its been 10 (or 20 :( ) years since I've read it. Now I'm going to dig it up and read it again!

Rideforthelaurels, hang in there. You will have a blast. Virginia is great. I'm glad you had a good thanksgiving!