Might be a hunter princess...

[equestrianrjw]

Does anyone know that email, "You might be a hunter princess if..." and then it continues with eventer, dressage rider, etc.

I really need the whole thing and can only find hunter princess... anyone know where I can find it/send it to me???!!!

**It's for a school project! :eek: **

[Lilykoi]

Not in the Jeff Foxworthy format, but is this what you are thinking of?

WHAT KIND OF RIDER ARE YOU?

THE HUNTER RIDER:
Is skinny and trying her best to achieve the conformation of a 17-year-old
male in case she ever
has a clinic with George Morris. Field marks include greeny-beige breeches
and a baseball cap when
schooling or mud colored coat and hardhat with dangling chinstrap when
competing. Forks over about a
grand a month to her trainer for the privilege of letting him/her
'tune'
up the horse, which consists of
drilling the beast until its going to put in five strides on a 60 foot
line no matter what she does. Sold the
Thoroughbred (and a collection of lunging equipment, chambons, side reins)
and bought a Warmblood. (Bought
a ladder and a LONG set of spurs). Talks a lot about the horse's success
in Florida without exactly letting
on that she herself has never been south of the Pennsylva nia line.

THE DRESSAGE QUEEN:
Has her hair in an elegant ponytail and is wearing a visor and gold
earrings sporting a breed logo.
A $100 dollar custom sweater (also with breed logo) is worn over $300
dollar full-seat white breeches and
custom Koenigs. Her horse, 'Leistergeidelsprun dheim'
('Fleistergeidel'
for short) is a 17.3 hand
warmblood who was bred to be a Grand Prix horse. The Germans are still
laughing hysterically, as he was
bred to be a Grand Prix JUMPER, but since he couldn't get out of his own
way, they sold him to an
American. His rider fell in love with his lofty gaits, proud carriage, and
tremendous athleticism. She
admires him mostly while lunging. She lunges him a lot, because she is not
actually too keen to get up
there and try to sit that trot. When she rides, it's not for long, because
(while he looks FINE to everyone else),
she can tell that he is not as 'through' and 'supple' as he
should be, and< BR>gets off to call the
chiropractor/ massage therapist/psychic, all of which is expensive, but he
WILL be shown, and shown
right after he perfects (fill in the blank). The blank changes often
enough that the rider can avoid the stress
of being beaten at Training 1 by a Quarter Horse.

THE EVENTER:
Is bent over from carrying three saddles, three bridles, three bits, and
three unrelated sets of
clothing (four, if she is going to have to do a trot up at a 3-Day). The
hunched defensive posture is reinforced
by the anticipation of 'a long one' a ditch and a wall, and from living
in
her back protector. Perpetually
broke because she pays THREE coaches (a Dressage Queen, a jumper rider,
and her eventing guru, none of
whom approve of the other) and pay trailers/stabling/ living expenses to
go 600 miles to events that are
spread out over 5 days. She is smugly convinced that Eventers are in fact
the only people in the world
who C AN ride (since Dressage Queen's don't jump, the H/ J crowd i s to
afraid to go OUT of a ring, and
the fox hunters, a related breed, don't have to deal with dressage
judges). The hat cover on her crosscountry
helmet is secured with a giant rubber band, so she can look like her idol,
Phillip. Her horse, who
has previously been rejected as a race horse, a steeplechase horse (got
ruled off for jumping into the in-field
tailgating the crowd), a jumper, a fox hunter, and a polo pony (no bit
stops this thing), has two speeds:
gallop and 'no gallop' (also known as stop 'n' dump). Excels at
over
jumping into water, doing a head first
'tuck and roll' maneuver and exiting the complex (catch me if you can!)
before his rider slogs out of the
pond. Often stops to lick the Crisco off his legs before continuing gaily
on to the merciless over jump
just ahead. Owner often threatens to sell, but as he has flunked out of
every other English-riding< BR>discipline, it will have to be to a barrel racer.

THE BACK YARD RIDER:
Usually found wearing shorts and a sports bra in the summer; flannel
nightgown, muck boots, and
down jacket in the winter. Drives a Ford 150 filled with saddle blankets
and dog hair. Most have
deformed toes from being stepped on while wearing flip-flops. Has a
two-horse bumper-pull trailer, but uses it for hay
storage, as her horse hasn't been off the farm in 6 years. Can install an
electric fence, set a gate, and roll a round bale, solo. Rode well and
often when she used to board her horse, 5 years ago. Then she took horse
home to 'save money' and has spent about 50 grand on acreage, barn,
fence,
tractor, etc. Has two topics of conversation - 1) How it's too
hot/cold/wet/ dry to ride. And 2) how she may ride after she fixes the
fence/digs drainage ditches/stacks 4 tons of hay.

THE NATURAL HORSEMANSHIP DEVOTEE:
Looks like a throwback from a Texas ranc h, despite the fact that he lives
in the suburbs of New
Jersey . Rope coiled loosely in hand in case he needs to herd any of those
kids on roller-blades away from
his F-350 dually in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Cowboy hat strategically
placed, and just dirty enough to
look cool. Levi's are well worn. 'Lightning' is, of course, this
natural
horsemanship guy's horse.
Rescued from a bad home where he was never imprinted or broke in the
natural horsemanship way, he
specialized in running down his owners at feeding time, knocking children
off his back on low-hanging
branches, and barin g his teeth. The hospitalization tally for his
previous handlers was 12, until he was sent
to Round Pen Randy; after ten minutes in said pen, he is now a totally
broke horse, bowing to the crowd,
and can put on his own splint boots. (With R.P. Randy's trademark logo
embossed on them) R.P.R. says, of all this, 'Well, shucks ma'am,
tweren't
nuthin'!' 'It's simple
horsemanship. ' 'With this special twirly flickitatin' rope ($17.95
plus
tax), you'll be round-pennin' like
me in no time!'

THE ENDURANCE RIDER:
Wears Lycra tights in wild neon colors. The shinier the better, so the
EMT's can find her
body when her horse dumps her down a ravine. Wears hikin shoes of some
sort, and T-shirts she
got for paying $75 to complete another torturous ride. Her horse, Al Kamar
Shazam, used to be
called 'you' until he found an owner almost as hyper as he is. Shazam
can
spook at a blowing
leaf, spin a 360, and not lose his big trot rhythm or give an inch to th e
horse behind him. Has
learned to eat, drink, pee, and drop to his resting pulse rate on command.

[Tilly]

:lol: Hilarious, but I have a complaint. Where's the Jumper? :winkgrin:

[Ready2Ride]

THE JUMPER COMPETITOR
Is in a wide-striped polo shirt and beige beeches. The polo is so folks will know they're a jumper rider until they put on their shirt and stock tie. Baseball cap is mandatory after a ride, in order to exhibit free advertising for that trainer's stable for which they've forked over a mere grand or so per month. Her horse, Neverbeenraced, is a prime example of American Thoroughbred. The coat is deep bay, no markings, a textbook TB head (no jowl), and no unusual conformational characteristics other than crooked legs. Perfect, just perfect. The gelding has learned to count strides all by himself, and asks in mid-air which lead his mistress would like to land on today.


THE WESTERN PLEASURE RIDER
The western pleasure rider is starched, bejeweled and has more silver than the Queen of England. The ladies wear more rhinestones than Liberace and you can literally go blind watching the Amateur western pleasure class. Their horses have to have Zippo, Chococlate Chip, Blazing, Hobby, or Dynamic in their name or they aren't worth buying. Most pleasure horses walk at the jog (what happened to a 2-beat diagonal gait?) and look like they're impaled on a carousel pole at the lope, yet they are a "pleasure" to ride. If the class got any slower the horses & riders would be asleep. Most of the men look like they're sitting in recliners any way, reared back & propped up. Huge spurs with wicked rowels are mandatory for obtaining forward motion and that "infamous" spur stop. Kind of a contradiction

[Lilykoi]

Good additions!

[dogchushu]

Hmmm, I wrote this back in March

http://www.chronicleforums.com/Forum/showthread.php?p=3099799#post3099799

Things I've learned from COTH:

1. If your horse has seen more needles than Amy Winehouse... you might be a hunter princess
2. If you can’t see a spot to save your life, but you can tell Tailored Sportsman from Ariats from (shudder) Miller’s at 200 meters… you might be a hunter princess.
3. If your horse spends more time working on his forehand than Roger Fedderer… you might be a hunter princess.
4. If your horse’s purchase made a noticeable blip on the GDP of the European country in which you bought him, but you stiff the groom and braider… you might be a hunter princess.
5. If you’ve ever squealed “daddy, you have to send the money--I neeeeeeed a new Buteeeeet”, and you’re 46 years old… you might be a hunter princess.
6. If your barnmate holds up the ring for 2 hours, so you resolve to hold it up for 2 ½ hours (Who’s the real diva here? Bitch doesn’t even ride a warmblood!)… you might be a hunter princess.
7. If your horse could complete the Indy 500 in the time he spends on the lunge line… you might be a hunter princess. (Bonus points if you squeal “he’s so fresh today” when the half dead animal swishes at a fly.)
8. If your tack room is awash in ribbon displays and trophies, but you can’t tell a snaffle from a Snapple… you might be a hunter princess.
9. If your preferred “drapery” is not a window treatment... you might be a hunter princess.
10. If you need draw reins, a standing martingale, a double twisted corkscrew bicycle chain Pelham, and a tack nose band just to ride your horse at a trot… you might be a hunter princess.
11. If you need your trainer to school your horse in the low hunters, special hunters, hopeful hunters, modified hunters, wanna-be hunters, sometimes hunters, and thinking-about-it hunters before you can ride a course of cross rails (twice around the outside)… you might be a hunter princess.
12. If you watch a beautiful round by a talented young eventer cross over on a marvelous horse (every distance nailed, pace so even they’re thinking about using it replace the atomic clock, horse jumps out of its skin and moves like silk) and you sneer “poor dear, didn’t her trainer tell her that helmet is soooo last year; we’re all wearing the Charles-GP-Owens-A Platinum 5 now”… you might be a hunter princess.


This story is based on recent events and has been exaggerated, modified, and blatantly fabricated for dramatic effect. Any resemblance to persons alive, dead, undead, unborn, preborn, amateur, pro, or shamateur is purely coincidental. No horses were harmed in the making of this post (at least no warmbloods, we don’t care about lesser horses). Your mileage may vary. Past performance cannot guarantee future results. Professional driver on a closed course.



Only includes hunters and I haven't seen it make the email rounds... but I am kinda proud of it! :lol:

[kateh]

dogchushu that's hilarious! Mind if I send it to some friends?

[dogchushu]

Not at all! Send away!

[Renn/aissance]

I find it hilarious that the one Lilykoi posted has been circulated for years but NEVER CORRECTED. A 60' line is four strides, not five.

[JSwan]

Hmmm, I wrote this back in March

http://www.chronicleforums.com/Forum/showthread.php?p=3099799#post3099799




Only includes hunters and I haven't seen it make the email rounds... but I am kinda proud of it! :lol:

Holy Moly. I know people like that. You didn't fabricate that at all - that's true!!!:lol::lol: (I don't do hunters but am surrounded by them)



Ok - since y'all evidently saved all these great ones - help me locate another one, please!

It's one that describes the different types of trainers. The NH one refers to that Indian guy as "GoWanPullMyFinger", says stuff like the NH trainer talks so much the horses just give up just so she'll shut up.....etc.

[2DogsFarm]

:lol: dogchushu: that is hilarious...and timeless
My last turn in the Hunter ring was in 1991 and your list was totally Spot On even back then :yes:

May I contribute:
(caveat: this is done with tongue in cheek, no flaming will be acknowledged)

The Tennesse Walker Rider - Big Lick Division
-Wears a polyester suit in a color that is guaranteed not to show sweat stains and a coat long enough to disguise most figure flaws.
-If female, makeup from the Tammy Faye Baker line is advisable.
-Both sexes should exhibit Classic Roached Back posture.
-Horse - Generator's Midnight Pushing Sally Cash - wearing padded shoes that would make Gene Simmons feel faint, enters the ring at roughly warp speed. Maximum exposure of whites of eyes & distension of nostrils is desirable for additional points. Lathering, in addition to a sheen of sweat, is mandatory (points will be deducted if spray-on lather - aka whipped cream - is detected).

[Mtn trails]

THE WESTERN PLEASURE RIDER
The western pleasure rider is starched, bejeweled and has more silver than the Queen of England. The ladies wear more rhinestones than Liberace and you can literally go blind watching the Amateur western pleasure class. Their horses have to have Zippo, Chococlate Chip, Blazing, Hobby, or Dynamic in their name or they aren't worth buying. Most pleasure horses walk at the jog (what happened to a 2-beat diagonal gait?) and look like they're impaled on a carousel pole at the lope, yet they are a "pleasure" to ride. If the class got any slower the horses & riders would be asleep. Most of the men look like they're sitting in recliners any way, reared back & propped up. Huge spurs with wicked rowels are mandatory for obtaining forward motion and that "infamous" spur stop. Kind of a contradiction

Hey! I wrote most of that a couple of years ago. :yes: I'm glad to see it's been enhanced and added as part of the group.