To all horsewoman out there....

[jumpingmaya]

I am curious... How many of you are in a relationship/married to a horse-person? I'm just getting a little desperate here... :cry:
I just got out of a 3 year relationship and broke off our engagement... he rode a lot growing up on the rodeo circuit... but really had lost interest by the time I met him. So he spent his weekends fishing and hunting.. while I was at the barn. I understand that every relationship takes give and take but how can it work if you wan to spend your life arround horses and he doesn't... By the way, I work full time plus am in school full time (only one semester left), so whatever time I get... I'd like to spend it at the barn...
I mean I'm not too complicated.. grew up showing on the "A" circuit but I went and worked cattle with his family a lot (only problem is he wasn't there 50% of the time). I'm not asking for Mr. Beautiful trainer... I just wanted to know if their is any hope out there :eek:
By the way, it's not that he wasn't supportive of me riding... but just had no interest so we spent no time together....
Thanks! Hope this cheers me up a little... :D

[arabhorse2]

My SO isn't horsey, and I'm absolutely fine with that. He knows how to ride and doesn't mind taking care of the critters, but that's as far as his interest goes.

He has hobbies that he enjoys that I'm not interested in, so neither of us feel left out. However, we have things that both of us enjoy doing, so we do those things together.

We also compromise and MAKE time to spend with each other. If you're not compromising your horse time to have some together time, then any relationship you get into is doomed to failure.

A healthy, mature, adult relationship is built on trust and compromise. If your SO takes a back seat to your hobbies, then maybe you're better off without a man in your life.

[turningpointequine]

Agree 100% with the above post!

My SO is not horsey but doesn't mind filling my water buckets and mucking stalls once in a while. He even trotted arond on my horse a couple times but that's as far as his horse love goes and I'm fine with that. I don't expect him to be horse lover, just tolerate and be patient about my sport.

He has his car hobby and I try to be tolerant and patient about that as well.

Compromise is the biggie. Sometimes I give up riding time to see what he does with his cars and sometimes he gives up his car time to see what I'm doing at the barn.

Now we don't spend a ton of time together between work schedules (I work days and he works nights) and hobbies but we love spending time together when we can and we both know that it would be virtually impossible to find anyone better than each other that would also tolerate us. LOL Sometimes I wonder if our time restraints will eventually kill our relationship but then I sit back and realize how good I actually do have it. I work, I have my horses, I have him in my life and he never complains. As close to perfect as I'm going to get and I'm fine with that. :)

[gieriscm]

While my SO is also "non-horsie", he doesn't mind helping out and has indicated that when we move to our own farmette he wouldn't mind getting a "nice older quiet husband horse" so he can trail ride.

[jumpingmaya]

Thank you ladies...
I'm just going to have to accept that this was just not the "right one"... We both made efforts at first but it kind of faded after that... But he never did help with water buckets either... lol. I went hunting with him for the first 2 years of our relationship... maybe every other weekend (which freaked me out by the way.. way out of my comfort zone) and like I said, went and worked cattle a lot with the family... We went trail riding a couple of times together but it was rare...
Thanks for the advice :winkgrin: Their is hope then...

[Ashby]

[QUOTE]I work full time plus am in school full time (only one semester left), so whatever time I get... I'd like to spend it at the barn...

Listen to yourself here. The fact is that right now you don't really have time for a relationship. You have more hours scheduled already than there are hours in the day, and anything taken away from the real joy of your life, the horses, is just not whole-hearted. Neither of you was getting his or her needs met, as you weren't interested in his hobbies and he wasn't interested in yours, and both of you thought these hobbies was more important than spending time with the other.

You don't have to have a man in your life right now. One important thing to learn about being a woman is that while it's good to have a man, you're fine and happy without one. Maybe this is a time to focus on yourself--your schooling, your job, your horses, and yourself--instead of looking for a guy. There will be plenty of time for that after you finish school.

[grandprixjump]

- My first wife was kind of horsey, we had a daughter, then she ran off to be with, and then married a CONVICTED child molester.
- My second attempt at marriage was a TOTAL NON horse person, I had to get out of this one, was being accused of cheating with the 12 year olds at the barn, because I had a young fan club there, being the only person jumping higher than 3'. I don't fully blame her, her mom would drag all the kids out when they were young, following their dad, assuming he was cheating, drunk a lot at bars, don't know the whole story of course...
- Next I had a GF that was into horses, but only trail riding, thought I should jump my mare, only for fun, and not show.
- So as you can see, I have been around 3 different types of women, and IF I ever decide to try again (I'm getting too old), I will hopefully try with a competition type horse show lady.....

[chai]

I think Ashby has a good point. Your life is very full. However, if he is a good guy and he doesn't hate horses or make you feel guilty for your time with them, don't write him off too quickly. Mr. chai is not much of a rider but one of the things I love about him is that he really loves our horses. He knows how to ride, but it's never been his thing. When we were newlyweds, I was working full time and running a co op barn, so I was up and out of the house at 6 and didn't come home until 7 or 8 at night. He was working full time and going to law school at night, so we basically just had weekends. But he liked scuba diving and I wanted to ride, so we did our own thing on weekends, too. He still doesn't ride much, but we've had our horses at home for twenty years and he loves them. He helps with feeding and turnout and he has a nice connection with each of the horses. He laughs with me at their quirks and cried with me when we've lost one.
I know it's hard when your life is so busy and full, but hopefully you'll find the right person who makes all the juggling worthwhile.
grandprixjump, you are every single horsewoman's dream date: a decent guy who likes horses. Get ready to be swamped by pm's lol!

[jumpingmaya]

Wow...
Well at least you can say that you've tried with every kind of horsey and non horsey women...
Only warning I can give you on a "show person" is super high maintenance lol... stereotype huh? JK...
Thanks for the insight... :winkgrin:

[jumpingmaya]

Thanks Chai... I guess that's the answer to it all... find someone that makes all the juggling worth while! Thanks for the input! I'm pretty sure him and I were just not right...

[twinkle]

grandprixjump-wish you lived here. I can't find any guys that ride. Heck, they don't even want to go with me to watch the shows. Oh well, I will just put it on my list to santa. Hmmmm wheres my SS list,,, is it to late to add to my wish list?

[Lieslot]

Don't give up, they are out there!!!

Here's my story, I had totally given up on men, after most had dumped me for spending too much time with my evil horse. I used to have a very abusive horse (bite, kick etc...) I was refused at most boarding barns due to risk of injury to staff. I found a polo club that was happy to keep my nutter on self care and I was put somewhere in a far away corner.
No one ever got near my horse, everyone was scared of him. But grooms kept telling me of this one guy that after his lesson would go and feed my horse treats and seemingly my horse was okay about it and did not attempt at eating his fingers.
I couldn't believe this to be true, someone allowed near my aggressive horse without getting injured, impossible. So I waited the guy out one day and........ now we've been married for 3 years, together for 5 years :).

He's horsey, but this still doesn't mean we agree over the horse care. :no: often not, but it does make spending time with the geegees easier.
He has other hobbies too, which is fine by me. Those times I often think to myself, grrrr, I could do with some help here, but then again I'm glad he's got other interests and we can do things entirely separate, keeps the relationship healthier.

He is very proud of our horses however and will always keenly show off some piccies to friends & colleagues.

[BeastieSlave]

I'm married to a guy who, while I wouldn't say is "anti-horse", is certainly not very supportive or understanding when it comes to the beasties. The horses are the biggest stress in our marriage right behind and often intertwined with money. I bet I can count on one hand the number of times he's watched me ride and count on two the number of times he's watched our daughters ride. With that said, we've been together for 25 years and married for 20. Somehow we make it work.
I agree that from what was posted in the OP, you might not have time or the inclination to put into a serious relationship right now. You have to work at it and be willing to make some compromises.

[Giddy-up]

By the way, I work full time plus am in school full time (only one semester left), so whatever time I get... I'd like to spend it at the barn...

Do you have time for a relationship? I mean what guy is going to say "hey, I'm cool with being #4 on your list". How would you feel if a guy said that towards you?

I am currently single, but because I have wanted to be. I wanted to do as I want when I want how I want without worries of offending others or making them feel less than best. I know if I want to have a relationship, I am going to need to be less "all about me" & more "we" minded. I love my horses, but I would like to find more to life than just the barn & showing. I've been "doing my thing" for 3 years & would really like to meet somebody. The horses can (in my case) be cut back cause there are other things I want to do (travel for example). I know some people though refuse to budge when it comes to their horses & it's hard if you aren't willing to compromise. Not impossible, but it does limit your options in finding a SO if you won't give & take on your end.

[Woodsperson]

My SO is not interested in the horses. He will come to the barn and help me if I ask-he came out and groomed the arena after barn owner had surgery or worked on my trailer. He even came out and did some plumbing work at the barn. The good thing is he doesn't care if I spend time with them or how much money I spend on them. My daughter rides, though so I have someone to ride with.

We've been married a long time and have each developed our own interests. Starting out in a relationship I think you have to have some kind of shared interest-something you can do for fun together. If it is not horses and you don't want to hunt or fish, it has to be something.

[seeuatx]

Married almost two years (December wedding) to my Non-horsey DH, and we dated for almost three years before that (five years total in April). Hubby likes his down-time when he gets off of work... sometimes it is a scary movie (I won't watch), sometimes video games, sometimes it's a nap. So he gets "his" time, and I head off to the barn for a while (I prefer my time with horses to be "me" time anyhow, occasionally he does come with to feed peppermints). It works great for us, because then we both have burned off the stress from our jobs and can spend the evening together. Every once and a while he likes to de-stress by playing tennis... I try to indulge him and play too, but I really suck at it so it does not happen often (and hay, sometimes I need a day off from the barn too ;) ).

[BuddyRoo]

Just playing devil's advocate for a moment here...

But do you really have the time and energy right now for another person? Is it fair to them? Is it fair to you?

I have done the full time school/full time work thing before. Done the travel for my job thing. Done the "I'm all into horses 100%" thing...

Depending on what's going on in my life, I have to decide how much room there is in my "inner circle"--which includes all relationships--good friends and SO.

I think of it like a table with a set number of chairs. Let's say my number is 5 right now. I work full time, my horses are now boarded, it's fall so I'm not riding a ton. I am working a few extra hours a week at a PT job. Right now, I only have the time and energy to allow 5 people to sit down at my table and be in the inner circle. If I want to add someone, I have to remove someone. That doesn't mean that I can't still be friendly with them...but I can't invest a lot of energy into the relationship.


When I have a boyfriend, he gets a seat at that table. I have a couple of good friends who also have seats. There's one revolving spot...and it's usually filled with peripheral friends/acquaintances who kind of rotate through as things pop up.

But there have been times in my life where I only had one seat at the table. My seat. And there have been times where I only had two seats. One was for my SO. I really didn't have the time or energy to have anyone else there. I could've chosen to have some other good friend fill that spot, but he was important to me and I made him a priority.

It's not fair to ask someone to STAND at the table when you only have a seat for you.

[jumpingmaya]

Thanks guys... Things have been a little crazy with school but it's not a forever thing... I did try to make as much time as possible for him and I...
Either way, I do want someone in my life... I gave in a lot (in my opinion) as I used to show every single weekend and train on the side... I have accepted that this lifestyle wouldn't be fit for a relationship plus everthing else that I have going on... So I don't think it would be a guy being #4... I think they're all number one priorities that I try to fit in... The idea of just concentrating on me though until May of next year (that's when I graduate) might not be a bad one as it will give me time to figure out exactly what I want...
Thanks again for all the input... it's really helpful hearing from horse people what their insight is on this subject... since we're from a different planet on this subject :-)
Thanks

[ArtilleryHill]

I had decided I was never going to find anyone, let alone be lucky enough to find anyone horsey like me. In the end, I did in fact, by accident, end up with a husband who is horsey. It did take a long time. But both kinds--horsey men who are wonderful and non-horsey men who are happy to be around horses with you--really are out there, though they sometimes take a while to turn up. Best advice I can give: do exactly what makes you the most happy, and the relationship has a better chance of coming through that. At least, that's what happened with me. I had decided that, heck, if there were no Men of Interest on the horizon, I might as well not waste my time alone, so I threw myself into everything I loved about riding. Met the eventual husband while on a riding trip. Don't give up, try not to worry overmuch about it, good luck, and keep doing what you love!

[pines4equines]

I always wanted to know what the big rush is to have a boyfriend/husband. I was boyfriend-less until I was 27 or 28. I so enjoyed those initial years. And, now I enjoy my SO. Our big date is Saturday mornings...drive to Starbucks and then to the feed store via the long way, sipping lattes together.

Enjoy your life, your horses, your job, college...the best years of your life. The best man for you will show up one of these days when you least expect it and there'll be plenty of room.

Just like the previous poster with the aggressive horse who met her hubby at a fence line.

[Trevelyan96]

DH is definitely not horsey... but he loves me, so supports me in my passion as much as he's able to understand it. He doesn't ride, doesn't muck, but will get feed when I'm not available, and even gets up to feed on weekends to let me sleep in. He bought our property, tractor, spreader and other equipment, paid for our barn to be built, put up 'miles' of fencing (n his mind :lol:), and helps with maintenance. And although he's fond of pointing out that I could easily retire if I didn't have horses to support, he never complains about what I spend on them, just says it's my money. In short, I have the perfect 'non horsey' DH.

It may simply be at this particular point in your life you just have too many demands on your time to maintain a relationship as well as keep horses. You might think the answer is a horsey SO, but in the long run, the perfect person for you will be someone who supports your horse passion, but doesn't necessarily have to be horsey themselves.

[LuvMyTB]

You say that they're all #1 priorities.....they're not. Trust me, as I've been on the other side of this situation.

When BF and I first started dating, he was working one full-time and two part-time jobs, and played on 1 or 2 drum corps in addition. He was working 7 days a week. Believe me, I was about priority #8, even though he *thought* he was putting me first. I literally never saw him. When he was home, he was sleeping.

There is no way to have that many top priorities. It is impossible.

Thankfully we made it through that and things have settled down somewhat. He is not horsey and has been to the barn exactly 2 times in the last year. He IS an animal person, though, so he mostly "gets it" and is totally supportive of the horse habit. He never complains about what I spend on her, and he's good at sympathizing with the huge vet bills, LOL.

We are talking about getting engaged soon. He will probably never be horsey and I'm okay with that. It's all about compromise.....a cliche, I know, but true nonetheless.

[Trot Left]

jumpingmaya -

My life is your life and my soon to be husbands life is your not-any-longer future husbands life. What's wrong with that?

My SO likes my horses, comes to some shows but does his own thing - he is no way classified as a 'horse husband'. He fishes, hunts does his things which I do with him at times when I am not at the barn and like wise.

It does work out ONLY if you make the street two ways, one way's never work. Is their hope for you in the horse relationship field? Well... hard to say, I (we) don't know your networking situation i.e. do you show all over still, have horses at show barn, travel to other barns? Horses at home... you will not find a horse person gasing up with his sundowner at the station... (Horses in the trailer and he's got to fill up and move) LOL :)

[Huntertwo]

My husband has no interest in horses. Although he likes them and loves my POA, he has no interest in riding. Actually he has never been on a horse.

It doesn't bother either one of us in the least. On nice days he'll encourage me to go ride.

And if I'm not riding, we spend our time together.

Although he loves going to the Equine Affaire...:confused:

Marriage is a give and take. I would understand if a spouse spent every waking moment at the barn. Then it might get resentful and I can't blame the left out spouse for being angry.

It is all about balance.

[Giddy-up]

Thanks guys... Things have been a little crazy with school but it's not a forever thing... I did try to make as much time as possible for him and I...

Please don't take what I said as you not trying "hard enough" with THAT guy. It might not have been meant to happen for the 2 of you no matter what you tried. My comments were meant more in general for you dating ANY guy. :)

I don't know how old you are (and you don't need to share), but when I was almost 21 I met the guy I thought was going to be "forever". We lived together, bought a home together, were engaged, planning the wedding, the whole sh-bang. This was spread out over several years too so no hurry on our parts. Unfortunately it didn't work out in the end--nothing bad or terrible, but just didn't work. I think looking back we were young & still needed to live our lives some. Was it hard? Yup. Did I think I made a mistake? Yup. Did I wonder if I tried hard enough? Yup. But seeing what my friends have gone thru with divorces & custody battles & so forth, I am glad now I listened to that tiny gut feeling that said "hold on & let's think a little more" when things didn't feel right (oh believe me it would have been easy to ignore & get caught up in the wedding planning). In the years since that relationship ended I have gone on to do so many things I most likely never would have if I stayed in that relationship (no offense to him, but being single made me feel more free to do things without worrying) & I have learned so much about myself and what I really want. Not that the guy I was with was bad by any means, but he must not have been "right" for me & I now know (with time comes wisdom :winkgrin:) that when the time IS right I will meet the "right" guy for me.

[jumpingmaya]

Thanks.. I didn't take it too personally and I do agree that either way, it takes work and compromise!
I really appreciate the input! :winkgrin:

[gotabuk]

I am.
Well, technically he's not a "horse person" anymore as he stopped doing it professionally and now works as an Engineer.

My husband grew up in Germany where his family had horses, then they moved to Canada and Florida with the horses, bringing them over from Germany, training them and selling them. He has ridden and trained professionally in Canada and Florida, done the WEF, etc. He is very, very good with young horses and problem horses! I'm not sure what it is about him but horses respond to him like no one I have ever seen before.

Oh, and he's is also a farrier. :yes:

So although he doesn't do horses for a living anymore, he is my coach and farrier....now if only he were a vet............:lol:

[jumpingmaya]

Hey there.. well lucky you!! It would definitely save me a lot of money if I could at least have those two nailed down... LOL...
And when I was saying horse person... it can be someone that enjoys trail riding... no need to be a great trainer... it can be a cowboy or just a backyard rider :-)
Nothing too specific...
Some of you have asked what I do... I was aspiring to be a grand prix rider in the jumpers but have since then realized that I ride because I love the animals... and a lot of people at top levels don't always do the right thing for the horse but rather to win (unless you have unlimited cash, which then gives you the freedom of buying horses left and right- definitely not my case). So I am just happy doing a couple of schooling shows a year, working on our dressage, trail riding and going on hunter paces :-)
Thanks to everyone for responding! This has been great... good eye opener regarding everyone's life... I really appreciate it!

[jumpingmaya]

Giddy up...
It actually sounds just like my story... I'm young :-) always have been the baby... I'm 22 years old.. met him when I was 18. I can relate to your story... 100%.
He was a super nice guy... really was. But it just didn't work out...
So I'm gona take your advice... and live my life and figure out what I want... and I think it will pay off at the end of the road... I'm just really lucky to have a supporting family as well as great friends!
Thanks again for sharing your story!

[twofatponies]

My DH (married 15 years) was never particularly horsey - he thought they were nice, but never went to the barn or had any interest in hanging out at shows etc. We did other sports together - hiking, skiing now and then. He had his dirt bike for fun rides by himself.

But when my older mare was rehabbing (and I'd got a second horse, thinking she wouldn't be sound again), he started coming along to do her hand walking while I rode my new mare. One day he asked if he could sit on her and walk her around that way instead, and she was far enough along in her rehab that I put the tack on her and gave him a lead-line lesson to show him how to turn and stop.

That was that. I gave him another lead line lesson, out on the trail, so he could see how to balance on hills, and a couple of lunge lessons, to help him figure out the trot and canter. And we spent the rest of that summer trail riding! That old mare babysat him, and just followed along wherever I led. That fall we did our first hunter-pace, and this year we did another.

She's his horse now - she whinnies to him when he arrives, and the only adjustment has been that I don't get my ring-work time like I used to, because he only wants to trail ride. But I never used to trail ride, and now I love it, so it's been good for me, too. Although I'm still the one who does all the doctoring and holds horses for the trimmer and cleans tack. :D

So there are some surprises out there among the guys - ones who don't seem horsey but turn out to be. I don't know how you'd tell in advance, though! I suppose liking animals in general is good, and being good with dogs can carry over into being good with horses, and an interest in active sports like skiing or dirt bikes or ATVs might be an indicator.

But as to the OP, be patient, and when you're done with school get out and socialize with people who like the out of doors and animals and being active, and you might find a good one!

[pAin't_Misbehavin']

DH isn't horsey at all - but he has a farm, which I think is even better.:winkgrin: When I first saw the place, I said, "I could have horses here!" And he said "Yep." So I knew he was a keeper.:)

When you find the right one, it won't matter whether he's horsey or not. Y'all will have plenty to talk about besides equines.:yes:

[WW_Queen]

Ugh....I don't think I could handle having a horsey SO. You wake up, they're there. You come home from work, they're there. You go to the barn for some QT with your horse, they're there. *shudders* Yech. Not to mention horse people are opinionated...the only thing I hate more than fighting about money is fighting about money that was/will be spent on my horse. Or looking over my shoulder, questioning whether my horse REEEALLLY needs that extra whatever. :lol: NO. THANK. YOU.

I'm big into "time together/time apart". The trick is to find someone who is BALANCED (in whatever capacity) as you are. My bf and I used to fight about how much time was enough to satisfy each other's needs. He had NOTHING going on with his life, and would complain and b*tch until the cows came home about me spending time at the barn.

I'm not sure if he adapted to my lifestyle and decided he was bored doing nothing...but now he coaches his son's sports teams, he's joined a rec hockey league, he goes out for drinks with with work friends, and we plan a couple of "date nights" a week where sometimes we go out but usually drink a few bottles of wine, watch a movie on TV and have a bubble bath.

Now he asks me if I'm going to the barn out of sheer curiosity so he can plan dinner appropriately, instead of preparing to launch into a speech about how useless my horse is. :D

Balance is the key, IMO.

[Trakehner]

I liked Buddyroo's metaphor of the table and seats around it....

I never dated girls at the barn (way too terrible if a break-up happened). Well, finally dated one, married her and fairly soon afterwards divorced...phew! Good riddance, a rich nutter.

My wife isn't horsey, she rode a little but doesn't really enjoy horses for their own sake. She comes out to the barn rarely, for the parties sorts of things and maybe to an auction. She likes that I ride and have horse friends (mostly female and she says she's not jealous).

I make it a point to consider time with her (even when I'd rather be at the barn) as a partnership trade-off to keep things "even" and fair in the relationship. First thing in the morning I'll say, "I'm going to the barn right from work"...if she says, "Great, the weather is too nice not to ride"..great! If she says, "I was planning on going out to dinner tonight", then I'll hit the barn tomorrow...an easy change and no bad feelings...she knows she comes first and won't push to prove the point.

I had years when I wasn't with someone...I did my horse stuff intensively, showed a lot more and sure rode a lot more. But, not being a bar person or a team sport player...where to meet girls? They sure weren't out there that I could find, even at the barns (married or carrying way too much baggage).

Sounds like with school etc. you'll soon have time to have fun with your horses and include someone new in your life. Don't go with someone you "need", go with someone you enjoy and like being with...big difference. Needy makes guys run away.

Good Luck!

[kellyb]

Nope, he's not horsey at all. Seems to tolerate me doing barn stuff as long as I don't spend too much time out there. It doesn't bother me that he's not into horses.

[europa]

There are two types of people in life....givers and takers.

My philosophy is that you cannot go through life with a catcher's mitt on....sometimes you have to throw the ball back.

Horses take alot of time when you do them like I do. Someone who wants me and wants some of my time should eagerly help out. Plus, do you really want someone who doesn't enjoy being at the barn with you some of the time. I love the barn and would gladly just hang out with my horses if I could. It is my most zen like state. I would be more then willing to go and spend time with someone else but in order to do that they would have to help me make the time by helping out. It is a two way street for sure. I was married to a military officer for 4 plus years and I moved with him. Won't be making that mistake again for someone who wouldn't give up a THING for me. NOPE. I would prefer to stay single.

ONLY MEN WITH A TRACTOR AND A STRONG BACK NEED APPLY....HA HA...JK JK

[Stacie]

So he spent his weekends fishing and hunting.. ...
By the way, it's not that he wasn't supportive of me riding... but just had no interest so we spent no time together....
Thanks! Hope this cheers me up a little... :D
Sounds like you were perfect for him. He gets to hunt and fish and his GF doesn't complain that she is left with nothing to do.....

My hubbie had ridden a few times as a teenager. We had been married 2 years when I decided I was going to buy a horse after 11 years without. He loves the horses. Now has his own that he is training and loves to trail ride and do a little dressage. He desperately wants to have a small farm so he can look out and see his "girls" (we have 2 mares, 2 fillies and a gelding) and take care of them everyday.

[ddashaq]

When I met my husband he was not remotely horsey. 10 years later, he is not obsessed like I am, but he is interested, enjoys watching racing and works at a national horse association. He understands the time committment and is completely unbothered by my hours at the barn. Once in a while he asks to come along, but for the most part is bored silly by it all. (And I am OK with that.) He has his own hobbies that he enjoys away from me and it works fine for both of us.

[2bayboys]

If......BIG IF...... I were to marry again, I would prefer that it be to a man who is involved with horses and enjoys them as much as I do. I plan to retire at 50, and I would like to spend my time horseshowing and foxhunting as much as possible. Even going on the road if that is financially an option. So ideally my SO would enjoy that lifestyle too.

[soccermom711]

This is definintely one of the smartest groups of people on a forum I have ever seen.:D I thought I'd read this topic, just out of curiousity, and I'm amazed at the amount of good advice you received.

I'm currently in the process of finalizing my divorce. I had already given up horses by the time I met my soon to be ex. Like many women, I supported all of his interests and ignored my own throughout our marriage. Whenever the subject of riding came up with my children, he'd tell them it wasn't a "real" sport. Finally, for multiple reasons, I'd had enough and left. I had no desire to meet a man or date -- I actually like down time to myself. 2 weeks after moving out, I met my current bf. It's been over 2 years now. I wish I had read some of this advice when I first met him. By some miracle, he's the exact opposite of my husband: he's funny, open, giving, a hard worker, a Master Electrician and contractor -- we have everything in common right down to what we order at McDonald's.:lol: AND -- he has a horse farm -- he also grew up riding and showing. How could I not date the man???

But, I almost blew it. I made him stay so far in the background at first -- sometimes he wasn't even in the kitchen, let alone standing at the table. (To steal Buddyroo's metaphor). He grew unhappy and insecure about our relationship. I had my own baggage -- and then there was the fact that I WAS giving him ALL of my free non-kid time (when they were with their Dad). I was exhausted giving to everyone else but myself. There was no balance. Luckily, we've worked it out. He does for me, I do for him. He has a seat at the table now right beside me - I cook for him and he fixes stuff for me.;) We've found our balance and are planning our happily ever after -- complete with horses.

I would have never guessed this was coming my way -- so hang in there. If you're happy with yourself, the right guy will come along when you least expect it. Just remember, there has to be a give and take -- it won't work if one person is consistently giving more than the other. I learned that lesson the hard way.:yes:

[ArabX3]

I knew my boyfriend for years before we got together. "Know" meaning who he was. He was a trainer and at a lot of the shows my daughter, husband and I attended. He did the riding broncs, bulls, cowboy on ranches and training. I asked him to train my horse and one thing lead to another and now we are together. I always thought it would be great to be with a trainer - most of them in the Arab world are gay - so there aren't many out there. But you know I thought he would want to do horses 24/7, but he does get burnt out. It is great to have him horsey, but he doesn't agree with everything I do with my boys. He also knows not to ever make me choose between my horses and him. Which I am sure he never will do. I am actually the female version of him, which doesn't work to our advantage at times. There are still a lot of ups and downs but we work them out. We go to all shows together. I work full time and work my horses 6 days a week, he works full time and a part time job 4 nights a week. On Friday nights I usually take off from the barn and we spend that time together. Sometimes though he wants to go out and work the horses:winkgrin: On the weekends we go out and ride because that is the time he has to train one of my boys. Sometimes them being horsey works, sometimes not. You just have to have that spark between you, it doesn't have to be about horses. If he loves you, cares about you then he will want you to be happy. Horses = happy. Just make sure there is some time for him.

[jumpingmaya]

I am totally greatly impressed and thankfull for the great advice that you guys have given me... and thank you for sharing some of your history!
:winkgrin:
It's been very helpful!!! :)

[AppendixQHLover]

My darling hubby(sometimes not so darling) is not into horses. He will hold the horse so I can go to the restroom or get a drink. He does not know the difference between a curry comb, soft brush, or hard brush. He will haul water at horse shows, and get me lunch. He will not pick up manure without gagging.

He has his own interests that have nothing to do with horses. He talks way more aobut his stuff than I do. I save horsey talk for my horsey friends. I do have to go to one of his BMX competitions one of these days but it falls on horse shows lately.

I do have to say that he will give them up if I need him. I had a serious migraine that needed hospital intervention. He stayed with me the entire weekend while I slept off the headache and meds.

Also you have your hands full with working and schoolwork. Just finish off the schoolwork and than work on the man thing.

I attend graduate school also and sometimes our togethers means watching tv while I do homework.

[jophoto]

My husband is not a horse person. I would prefer to be up at the barn every single day but here's the thing. I'm 32, I have been married to my husband for 13 years (he's 40), we have two kids, and we have built our relationship for all those years. I brought horses into this three years ago. He's not a horse person, and in fact, when he is around them, if he doesn't take his allergy meds, his throat closes up and he can't breathe as his face swells until his eyes are little slits. It's actually a funny sight to see... :winkgrin: He's learned to take his meds!

But again, yes, I would like to be at the barn every day, but we have responsibilities... we have our children, we have our home, I have my business, he has his job. I love my horses very much, but they are in line after my husband and children. They just are. That is a something I have to do as a grown up. My horses are well taken care of, and I pay dearly for that, but again, there are responsibilities and priorities. That's how my husband and I have succeeding in keeping a very strong relationship and foundation as a couple for our children.

Thankfully, my daughter is a big time horse person as well, so her and I are always going to the barn while my son and husband hang out... :lol: It works.

[Reynard Ridge]

Just to add a slightly different perspective, I knew I had met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with when I realized I wanted to spend less time with my horse and more time with him. :lol:

After a lifetime of spending every non-working moment at the barn, I suddenly discovered a whole world of other neat stuff out there. We hiked, and biked, and traveled. I still rode as much, but I seriously curtailed showing. If you had asked me if I would ever "give up" showing, or horses for a relationship, I would have politely shown you the door. But now that I'm quite a few years into it, and a few wee children have popped up, I find horses are way, way down on my priority list. And I don't feel for one second like I had to "give up" anything. I don't miss it at all.

We will have a farm again when we return to the US (and I still have a horse living out in a field in NJ), and the horses will live with us, so it's not like horses will ever go away entirely for me. But, I love doing other stuff, too. It's a big, cool world out there. :yes:

As an N of 1, my life, my opinions and my experiences are mine alone. But I am pretty happy with the way my life has turned out. Personally, I think there's nothing wrong with finding a balance between our passions. :yes:

[audgesmom]

Redyard...I was dating a farrier with whom I fell head over heels in love with....and expericenced the same thing...my dear pony started to take a back seat to him...I could have a lesson scheduled and if he called and had 'time' to see me, I dropped my dear pony....

Needless to say pony is still around...the minute things got intense (I love you in the heat of the moment uttered by both) farrier of my dreams disappeared...I am still licking my wounds...and happy that my pony wants me back.....

I think I will join a dating site and NOT mention horses.....everyone I know warned me....farrier/not married/over 40/good looking= bad choice.....my aching heart.....thank god for red wine.......and good friends....this was my first honest attempt at dating after my divorce...the first one who meant something..at least I know I am not dead...AND MY FAT HAFFIE STILL LOVES ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[gotabuk]

I find I share a much deeper connection with the horsey BF's. Its nice to be able to share the chores of the day (feeding, stalls, medicating) with someone who actually WANTS to be there with you. It can be kind of romantic (excuse the cheesiness) ;)

It is REALLY nice to be able to say to my husband something like, "Today, my half-halts just were not coming thru his back like I'd like them too and he was behind the verticle at times but his shoulder-ins were phenominal"....

...and not get a blank stare.

Try explaining a half-halt to a non-horsey SO!

[katarine]

I've known my SO's horse much longer than I've known him, or he's known horses.

It helps that we share them when: it's time to buy hay, feed, shoes, pay the vet, fix the fence. It helps that he'll put out a round bale and know to cut and pull the strings, set it up in a good spot, put the feeder on it...etc. It helps when we both want to ride and goof off. It helps that he gets why they are $$, supports that I like taking clinics, competing a little, etc

It's NOT good when we argue over riding, he has only the faintest glimmer of a notion of a clue what lateral aids mean, or even just leads, or the idea of riding back to front...just a wee hint of a clue. Just enough to frustrate the pea living SNOT out of me b/c he says 'I wanna work on _____' but can't begin to fathom it's not five easy pieces. It's simple, but it's NOT easy. It is NOT good when I want 30 minutes in the arena of quiet time, working on circles and tempo and rhythm...and he turns the donkey out in the arena with me and my horse, b/c it's cute to watch Chico-donk 'chase' us and annoy my horse. It's NOT good when we argue over horses- I hate that part, it's so bottomless.

Look- life is not a Hallmark card. There are days when I like nothing finer than trail riding with my husband. There are days when I'd like nothing finer than to have the horses all to myself again. BUT- the good vastly outweigh the bad, at least for now.

besides- enough about me- you are too young with too much happening to be worried about some man. he'll show up when he's supposed to. Mine did.

[tx3dayeventer]

Try explaining a half-halt to a non-horsey SO!

No thanks! It is hard enough trying to explain it to a cowboy SO.

[caradino]

there are some WISE women on this board! great advice ladies!

i'm the same age as the OP, only 22, and agree with what many of you more seasoned folks have said.

that said, i think i have found a good balance in the horsey vs. nonhorsey SO debate. my bf wants DESPERATELY to be a horseman. he started riding western last fall and has taken intermittent lessons when he can, and shown walk/jog with our school's team. he loves it. but he also is very much aware of how little he knows. he just soaks up any information he can find, is taking an intro-level equine studies class, and is constantly asking me questions abotut training/horse care/horse health/barn maintenance/etc. i just gushed with pride the other week when he told me he was figuring out how to sit an extended jog. and it's great to be able to take him with the barn and say "hey can you blanket the pony for me?" and he can do it. the right way. the first time. and ASK QUESTIONS if he can't do/doesn't know something. and while i'm into hunters, he is more the cowboy/wannabe trail adventurer, so we can still pursue our seperate disciplines and not argue over training, etc. (plus it helps that i know WAY more than him and he admits that) we have our other issues, for sure, but horses ain't one of them. but horsey or not, it's SO IMPORTANT to be with someone who respects and supports your passion!

[VAHorseGurl]

- My first wife was kind of horsey, we had a daughter, then she ran off to be with, and then married a CONVICTED child molester.
- My second attempt at marriage was a TOTAL NON horse person, I had to get out of this one, was being accused of cheating with the 12 year olds at the barn, because I had a young fan club there, being the only person jumping higher than 3'. I don't fully blame her, her mom would drag all the kids out when they were young, following their dad, assuming he was cheating, drunk a lot at bars, don't know the whole story of course...
- Next I had a GF that was into horses, but only trail riding, thought I should jump my mare, only for fun, and not show.
- So as you can see, I have been around 3 different types of women, and IF I ever decide to try again (I'm getting too old), I will hopefully try with a competition type horse show lady.....

I think I'm in LOVE. :winkgrin:

[dmj]

I am with WWQueen on this one. Horses are my thing, my husband has his own things, and we also have things together.

I guess I don't like to share :)

He will come out to the barn to help me with anything I need, but I rarely ask. He's just not that into horses. He thinks they're fine and truly does not begrudge me the time or money spent, but I am careful to try and keep a good balance of time spent at the barn v. time spent as a couple.

[farmgirl]

I do not wish to hijack this thread in any manner, but would like to express my thanks to all for the positive stories in this thread. I lost my husband to cancer 4 years ago; we we great pals and did everything together. He was a horse person and I am now at the point in my life that I hope to meet someone else. So, those of you who have shared meeting someone in an obscure situation, thanks very much. Most sincerely, fg

[MistyBlue]

farmgirl...my condolences. :( I can't imagine the loss of a spouse.

FWIW...my horsey husband was non-animal when we met. At that time I was without pets myself...first time in my entire life.
Although he did express happiness being around animals.
So after marriage I talked him into trying a dog. (he had never had a single pet in his lifetime and was in his 40s) Within a week of bringing the pup home...hubby was firmly attached to it. Our daughter's birthday present ended up hubby's best buddy. Then we went furniture shopping for a new kitchen table after *his* puppy ate the old table's legs off when teething. Saw a stray kitty, a very sad, scared but friendly stray kitty. Kitty came home with us and within a few weeks had 6 kittens. Rehomed all kittens, spayed kitty and she became hubby's little buddy. Then hubby said, "You've been out of horses long enough...look at this horse ad I found...the horse has the same birthday as me!" We did end up buying that horse for me...or so I thought....she was really like hubby's "other woman." Hubby came to the barn with me all the time and spent as much time grooming her, singing to her and hand grazing her that I spent caring and riding her. So hubby said one day, "I know we just bought this house 3 years ago and it was our dream house. But I hate that our girl is living somewhere else and I hate that I have to abandon the cat and dog to go see the horse...so since you're a Realtor, find us a farm. And another horse." :eek:
Now we're a few years into being farm owners, the initial dog and mare have both since passed away (the kitty is on my feet right now) and we have a different dog that hubby adores and 2 geldings outside who will be getting the 8 pm noight visit in a short while from hubby and I. Hubby's night visits are every day of the year...says they can't sleep without a kiss from "daddy." Yup, he's lost his ever-loving mind, LOL! He's actually worse than I am.
Point of the story....find someone who makes *you* happy enough to not be glued to your horse 24/7 and who is also empathetic towards animals. If you don't take all your time away from him for the animals, he'll probably grow into loving them as much as you do as long as you never put them as a barrier between the two of you. There is a good balance...the trick is finding the patience and maturity to wait for it and find it with the right person.

[PaddyUK]

My husband was a total townie - only pets his family had owned were cats - then he met me!

21 years of marriage later, he is a champion mucker outer, fencing expert and horse box driver. He comes with me to events and grooms with the patience of a saint.

We do not have any children - joint decision - as we both wanted to concentrate on our professional careers - but we do have 3 horses. Two at home and one out on lease.

Now I now longer work, I make sure that all day to day horse stuff is done by me, so when he gets home at night he gets to hear about my day but doesn't have to start pratting about with the hosses.

He does bankroll the horses, but I do my bit as now I am technically a "homemaker":D

I adore him and if our financial position changed, then the horses would have to go.

I knew he was the one, when he came with me, on our first date to do a late night check and my mare bit him hard and he still asked for a second date!



Paddy