When you know something about someone - Ethics in the barn?

[Woodland]

I have a delightful young woman boarder who is in a very committed live in relationship with a man. I just found out today the man is in another relationship with a former student of mine.

I care deeply about both young women involved. And the man is an obvious cad. I am sure the boarder woman does not know about the other woman. I am not sure if the former student knows - or even would care as she was involved with this man in the past. The two women have been at odds over this man for a few years. However the boarder woman believes the man is faithful to her and that he is over the former student.

I found out through another client who is a florist who sent flowers to both from the cad man. Saying anything will violate the trust of the florist client - but what do I do?

This could cause quite a row in the stables. And it will make things uncomfortable at the shows.

I want to kick the crappola out of this jerk of a man! I can not bear to see the young boarder hurt - this will destroy her - break her heart. She deserves to know. Her Mom is a dear friend of mine too. Former student is a hoot and a lot of fun - even if it is at someone else's expense.

Advice please!

[TheJenners]

Oh bad bad bad. Stay out, do not meddle with relationships. Tell your florist friend to keep that information to herself because a. she's violating some sort of ethical or moral code by tattling and b. you really don't want to hear the gossip. You will lose one or all three friendships if you say something, I can nearly guarantee. Bad stuff. :no:

[eventchic33]

Get all 3 together and padlock them in a stall and don't let them out till its resolved. Just don't say a word while you are doing it.

[pony grandma]

eewwwh! And they hung a scarlet letter on a woman!

So the former student knows that he is a cad? and doesn't care? then forget about her.

The other young lady needs to know - how many women I know that discover this too late in life, and some are forced to settle with the situation b/c they can't go anywhere else. Better now to learn some truths than later.
I would offer her an older female shoulder, a woman talk. The sisterhood of the Ya-Ya's.

[Reynard Ridge]

Assuming that you are absolutely sure that there is a problem, I would approach the problem in this way: what would I want my friend to do if I were the young lady living with a man who was cheating on me.

I believe theJenners is absolutely correct in that no matter what you do, friendships are going to implode. Frankly, from my perspective, you're in a lose/lose situation.

Best of luck. :(

[Sakura]

Wow... that stinks all around... Probably better for you to keep out of it though, jerks like him usually get their comeuppance sooner or later... he'll be gone and you will still have your friends.

[RockinHorse]

I would stay out of it. Additionally, I would ask your florist client not to tell you gossip about your other clients as that only puts you in a bad position.

[BuddyRoo]

Several angles...you decide:

1) Current live in: Probably wishes with all her might to believe he is true to her. She will likely not believe you. Will likely be angry at least at first. And has likely resigned to stay with him. She has afterall, put her eggs in that basket as it were.

2) Side chick: Probably believes that she is in the right, afterall, they have history. Perhaps she knows, perhaps she does not. However, if you mention it to her, she may very well say "game on".

3) Dude: Thinks he's hot sh!t and is gonna get away with it. Me personally, HE is the one I'd talk to if anyone.

Why? Because often when you sit someone down who is playing everyone around them, call them out and tell them that they have X time to remedy or YOU are going to take action FOR them? They handle it.

That is IF you want to do anything at all.

If you do? Were it me (and I WAS in a similar situation)...

"Dude, here's the deal. I know what you're up to. I care about these two women. I DON'T care about you. But I'm going to give you the opportunity to make this right. You've got a week. Man up and handle it. I'm not the only one clued in here so your time is limited. I'm willing to keep this under my hat for now. I am offering you the opportunity to make this right."

[bamboozled]

The two women have been at odds over this man for a few years.

If so, then there is nothing you should do. Sending flowers to just the two girls? I reckon he has a few other sweethearts out there as well.

[Woodland]

I just wanted to say the florist client was so appalled she was asking me what to do. Since one girl is sweet and kind and the other grabs life by the "horns" both are very well liked by all of us. I kinda thought there was some on the side - and this has been an issue in the past - I just hate to see someone devastated ...... There will be no graceful out for the Cad :mad: But I think the message can not come from me - not directly any way.

[Woodland]

"Dude, here's the deal. I know what you're up to. I care about these two women. I DON'T care about you. But I'm going to give you the opportunity to make this right. You've got a week. Man up and handle it. I'm not the only one clued in here so your time is limited. I'm willing to keep this under my hat for now. I am offering you the opportunity to make this right."


I think I'D need to grow some testes for this :lol:

[D1nOnlyRocketPony]

You have the florist switch the names on the flowers, so boarder gets old flames card, and old flame gets boarders card. Then you're out of it, and the florist's butt is covered (sorry for the mixup!). Suspicion alone will get that ball rolling on both ends.

[BuddyRoo]

I will pull mine off the mantle and loan them to you.

And I really HAVE done this. Not once, but a few times. Not just related to this kind of situation, but with people who are playing both sides at the office as well. Has worked out well with my integrity intact every single time.

[lcw579]

Tell your florist friend to keep that information to herself because a. she's violating some sort of ethical or moral code by tattling

Thanks for the giggle! Something about florists and a code of Florist/Client Priviledge just struck me funny! :lol::lol:

FWIW, I agree with you that nothing good can come of getting in the middle of this.

You have the florist switch the names on the flowers, so boarder gets old flames card, and old flame gets boarders card. Then you're out of it, and the florist's butt is covered (sorry for the mixup!). Suspicion alone will get that ball rolling on both ends.

I like this idea - if the cad is in the habit of sending flowers this might work! I

[cloudyandcallie]

Stay out of it.

You will be the one who will be "blamed" if you intervene.

[pinkme]

ok, I was the sweet girl in a situation just like this. Tell her. Pull he aside and tell her how much you care about her as a friend and tell her the truth. I had no clue what was going on untill everyone BUT ME knew and someone sliped up. I would have much rather been told about it early on by a friend then some stranger who didnt know who she was talking to. I think walking away is the cheap way out...

[BuddyRoo]

See..I have to agree with Pink. I was that girl too. Twice. Second time, my fiance....yes you read it right, we were engaged to be married...got married WITHOUT ME while I was working overseas. I was blissfully ignorant.

Sadly, many of my friends knew and chose to say nothing.

I STILL vote that you take it to HIM first and let HIM bare the burden....

Doing the right thing is seldom easy. Were it? Everyone would be doing it.

[philosoraptor]

Be careful. If you tell her outright, she will not want to hear it so she'll get angry with you. She wants to preserve this relationship, so she's going to try really hard not to see anything that would damn her boyfriend of infidelity. Be prepared for LOTS of anger, barn drama, etc.

[BuddyRoo]

On barn drama....

May we explore this for a moment?

Let's say person X is not receiving appropriate emergent care for her horse. His eyeball is hanging out and she won't let anyone call the vet. Do you stand up for the horse or do you bow out due to possibly causing "barn drama"?

Let's say BO is beating the snot out of someones horse. You're on your way out, but wondering if you should say anything or not. Heavens. You wouldn't want BARN DRAMA.

Let's say horse is injured and BO won't tell owner--owner is absentee. If you tell owner, there will be barn drama.

Drama can be dealt with. I still truly believe that one must try to do the right thing even when it is difficult or may not suit us.

[bf1]

I second BuddyRoo - I would talk to the cad only, and let him straighten it out, but let him know that you will do it if he doesn't. It will come out sooner or later - especially with the florist gabbing about it.

[grandprixjump]

And I'm a guy, I have NEVER cheated on anyone, but have been alone now for 3-4 years. Guess I'm too nice, and for some reason ladies want the bad boy type, but then cry when it blows up in there faces...
-
-
LEAVE IT ALONE, THEY GOT THEMSELVES IN THIS MESS AND DESERVE WHATEVER HAPPENS, ALL 3 OR MORE OF THEM.

[BuddyRoo]

Oh Grand Prix...so sad you're not in MI. I could hook you up with all sorts of lovely gals. Thank you for not being a cad! ;)

[Seal Harbor]

I third Buddy Roo but first I would kick his a**. Then when I had his full attention talk to him. The guy is lower than whale poo.

[chai]

Oooh, this one hits home with me. My advice is to fry his sorry *ss in any way possible. I wonder if he is the monster husband that drove my sister to leap off a building last year, or maybe he pushed her...but the point is, keeping quiet allows a sociopath like that to operate in just the climate he wants: control, control, control.
I recently ran into a trainer at a show who told me my sister's evil psycho husband chased her around town for the entire year before my sister died, all while he was 'dating' another woman in town, at the same time he was trying to shake off a woman who had his child...while he was married to my sister. This guy is attractive, charming, and so rotten to the very core, I can see him sending flowers to both of his conquests, just like the guy in your barn, woodland.
There is a special place in hell for men like that, and I hope he will be caught red handed before both of those women can be hurt too badly.

[amastrike]

Anonymous note to one or more of them? At least raises some suspicion that something's not right, and no one needs to know where it came from.

Or use a nice sturdy lead rope to hang the guy from the rafters and make it look like an accident.

[dressagetraks]

I swear, I, too, have known him. He was my stepfather. We discovered later on that he had 7 previous marriages (and God only knows how many GFs), which of course he did not notify Mom of. The divorce came through on the marriage immediate prior to Mom the DAY BEFORE the wedding to Mom. He kept at least 3 on the side during Mom's marriage. That marriage ended when he attempted to rape me, while he was drunk, and with other names attached (not Mom's). I told Mom that not only had he assaulted me but obviously had other irons in the fire. She believed me, thanked me profusely, and left the jerk, which left him furious because "no woman has ever left me." She later found out that 80% of the town knew more of his past and current history than she did. He actually said once (after the divorce, when no pretense was required) that his life's ambition was to be shot by a jealous husband at age 95. But such a charming, smooth snake. Totally amoral. To quote Shakespeare, "One may smile and smile and be a villain."

From Mom's comments as the clueless woman in this soap opera, she appreciated being told, she wished that others had told her earlier, and she hated that it had gone on as long as it had with her honestly believing she was in a fully committed relationship. Granted, she had made a bad choice, but she wished she could have "wasted less of my life" with him, not to mention getting out before he went after me. NOT being told just added more hurt to that whole relationship.

My opinion: Go privately to the friend he is living with and allegedly committed to, and tell her. She may be annoyed now, but she will appreciate it later.

[EponaRoan]

Hey, at least he sends flowers! :D

It almost never goes well to be the bearer of bad news ... (and the guy in this case is definitely bad news) I guess it just depends on your relationship with either of the women in question as to whether or not you tell one or both.

I like the idea of locking all parties in a stall and saying. "D*ucheb*g is seeing both of you. Discuss!" Just have a hose handy.

Florist really should have kept her mouth shut - why doesn't she want to tell one/both the girls? Florist ethics? She kinda blew that when she told you about it. :cool:

[greysandbays]

... He actually said once (after the divorce, when no pretense was required) that his life's ambition was to be shot by a jealous husband at age 95...

Anybody tell him the first part could be arranged -- no guarantees on the second part, though?

[3Spots]

The hard part is that if you do nothing, then you are not really being "friends" with the sweet girl, because it will be on your mind and you will feel guilty for holding back the type of information you might normally share.

I vote with BuddyRoo - that the cad should take the blame, not you.

But, you must know from the florist that there is something more going on? Sending flowers to two women is not a sin. My ex still sends me flowers even though he has a new gal in his life. We split amicably, could this situation be the same?

jan

[actcasual]

My instinct screams stay out of it...
But at the same time I would want to know. I like the idea of addressing the boyfriend directly -- and sending the girl who's living with him a note.
Especially if there's a way to get it to her at home or at work, anywhere but the barn. Honestly, even though I'd be grateful, I'd also be embarrassed to know someone at the barn was so informed of my personal life. And then you have to avoid the temptation of telling other people who ride with you or them what's going on.

[Guilherme]

A wise man once observed that people should never miss an opportunity to keep their mouths shut.

There is no way an outsider can win in this situation, but staying out if it means you lose least.

Walk away and let the parties work it out.

G.

[MistyBlue]

Like everyone says...it's a shite position to be in.
Nobody but nobody should get involved in a private matter that doesn't concern them.
The person who does spill the beans is also going to be the one who gets hit first with the flying manure.
However...the one who knows and doesn't say a word WILL be the one who's hated on with a passion when the wronged woman finds out her friend knew all along.
I agree with BuddyRoo...at least that's what *I* would do. I wouldn't want to get involved (especially since one is a client/boarder) but if I were close friends with the live in woman...well, it's just a tough situation and it must suck for you. :no:
But I would go to the guy...and let him knew I knew...and that he needs to put things right. Whether it be ending it with party girl, or telling live in girl and letting her decide if she wants to end it or not.

GrandPrixJumper...there are plenty of women out there who will value the Good Guy. Be patient..there's a lady out there for you. :yes:

[2 tbs]

I have a long story about a guy I know who opperates under this MO :no:

A girl, who I am now friends with, fell for him head over heels. She thought he was all that and a bag of chips. He's NOT good looking but certainly says all the right things. I knew him in high school and I did EVERYTHING to stay away from him. I was smarter than I knew I was...thankfully I wasn't charmed by his words nor attracted to him physically--otherwise I'm sure I would've been hurt by him.

Anyway, the girl I'm now friends with reached out to me to ask questions. She saw me leaving comments for him and vice versa on Myspace. I was always "stroking his ego" because I thought it was funny to make him think he had a chance all the while I sat here many states away laughing at him. When she started asking me questions I assured her she had no worries of me, I have a man of 13 yrs and I'm happy where I am. She was relieved but couldn't believe the things he said to me. I laughed and told her I had known him for eons at which point we found out we grew up in the same area at the same time but didn't know each other. I warned her of his MO so she kept a watch on things after that point.

Turns out dude thought he had me in the bag, totally had her in the bag, had an ex-girlfriend teetering on coming back, had an ex-wife he was rekindling, and had a chick he was currently dating. Once all this came out (he is in the military so the women he thought he had are spread all over the states and one in another country even) my new friend and I blew it WIDE open! We went to his buddies (via email obviously). We wrote to all the women. We shut him down in such a way that he actually remarried his ex-wife and moved far far away - he keeps in touch with no one now...no one who was involved with all that anyway. The ex-girlfriend was crushed the most because she didn't know any of this (she's the one out of the country) but when she found out she gave us her phone #, we called her--she cried. She was so hurt but so thankful strangers took the time to let her know what was going on. The "current girlfriend" joined us on a conference called and apologized because even she didn't really know this was all going on.

Taking him down was fun. He totally deserved it. I can't believe he went as far as he did. I'm glad I'm smarter than I thought and I stayed away from him. All these women, except the dumb once ex now current wife who took him back, have moved on with their lives and have managed to recover. I still keep in touch with them every once in a while. It's nice to know people care :)

So. OP. My approach in this case is not the same as above-no taking him down in grand fashion I'm afraid. I also wouldn't run to the current live-in and tell her. I might however take her to dinner or somehow get her somewhere you can talk safely and privately and talk to her. Tell her "it's possible" this person might not be who she thinks he is. I wouldn't run to her and say "he's cheating" because she may already know that and have chosen to pretend he's not (I know another long story with a similar situation and that one does involve barnmates but I'll spare you). If there has been a "battle" over this man between these 2 particular people it's not new news to either of them so you don't want to start all sorts of hoopla unnecessarily. For some reason the current live-in has chosen to stay with him. Share what you think you know, let her know you are there for her if she decides to take action, let her know you support her decision no matter what that is, and let her know you don't wish to hurt her and you hope you are wrong but you thought she should at least know the possibility is there so she can protect/take care of herself.

Truthfully I'd be inclined to stay out of it but if you must must must do something, listen to BuddyRoo but if you can't do that then be careful, tread lightly, and offer simply "I have some info" then support. Good luck!!

[silver2]

If my friend found this out I'd want to know.

[BuddyRoo]

Okay....for the wallflowers....and the non-wave-makers....

I have to ask?

What is the harm in going to the jerkwad?

He will not tell.

If anything he will do nothing but you have done something.

If more, he will do the right thing and you will have done nothing.

What is the harm in doing the right thing when it amounts to such a low profile incident?

I think some minimize the effect of a well placed threat. YOU do the right thing or I WILL.


It's AMAZING how it works out.

I nearly lost my job 2 years ago due to some viscous gossip. I received a call from my boss essentially warning me that I was going to be FIRED due to two women. I assured him that what I was accused of was not true and I would handle it.

I pulled each gal aside and said, "I know the truth. You know the truth. I will give you the opportunity to do the right thing. Should you choose not to, I will do everything in my power to out you."

Each girl when questioned came clean.

When the TRUTH is what you're up against, you'd be amazed how people react in a favorable manner. And if they do not, why do you CARE? What is right is right in spite of any drama. The right thing is not easy but it is still RIGHT.

[lunchbox]

Stay out of it.

You will be the one who will be "blamed" if you intervene.

So true....but if I were the one who thought I were in a committed relationship I would want to know.

No flames, please, but how about an anonymous letter????

ETA noticed someone else also suggested this.

[jazzrider]

Woodland, are you a very close friend of this person? If not, does she have someone she's very close to other than the jerk? I just think that it's such a difficult thing to hear, and there are so many ways she (and they) can respond. It really something that she should hear from someone very close to her, that will take the heat and be there for her through it. If that's not you, I would stay out of it or if you feel you have to do something -- seek out the person who is her BFF, and let them make the call. Odds are that they don't like the creep anyway, if there's a history of issues with him and the other woman.

Personally, I'd avoid the jerk alltogether. Slime. He doesn't deserve a chance to figure out how he can weasel out of it. :mad:

Now this, really, is barn drama. :no: Puts the other silly little things in perspective.

[IceQueen]

I too have been in this situation. Lets just say 14 1/2 yrs wasted. 3 kids drug thru the mess. My X & they're X's for a reason did the same crap.

You need to say something soon because remember this, when it does finally come to a head the "friends" are gonna want to know...why did you hide this from me...if you were my friend you would have told me.

Till this day there were several ppl that knew & because they never spoke up, I do not associate w/ them. The family I had was over, thank goodness they're not that far along yet!

If your sure that both the girls don't know about each other get them together & tell them "Hey, we need to talk & it ain't good". And even if you suspect the newer one knows about the other one keep that to yourself, this shows that you will stand up for your friends & if the new one was playing along & new about his current relationship...this shows her that this kind of thing is not tolerated & she needs to think twice. But again when the crap hits the wall & you don't speak up...you will be standing in a bad spot.

All ladies stay on the same pg, still friends, let them lick their wounds, you help them thru it by keeping them focused & then demise a good plan! Nothing like a lil satisfaction by deciding just what to do w/ lil Mr. Cad.

Cat.

[5]

Sounds like he would make a good gelding.
Think we can find a vet to do it?

[LockeMeadows]

I was in a very similar situation. One of my friends was dating a married man for 7 years. She was 17 when they first became "involved" and he would always tell her that as soon as things settle down, he was leaving his wife for her. Last year, she found out that he had a 3yo child with his wife (he forgot to mention that during the relationship). Anyway, when she realized she had just wasted seven years of her life, she tried to kill herself. He CONTINUED to pursue her even after the first suiside attempt. Every time she would start to heal, he would call her. I ended up calling him one Sunday morning while she lay in the hospital after an over-dose. I told him that I check her phone daily and if I ever see his number (or a number that I don't recognize for that matter), that I would call his wife while he was at work and tell her the whole story start to finish.

To this day, he has left my friend alone. I still buy my hay from him and he continues to give it to me at a great price! Sometimes, you just need to stick up for what is right and let the chips fall where they may.

[gieriscm]

I wouldn't talk to the guy. He already knows he's screwing around and it's not right. I would talk to the nice young girl at the barn.

If my friends knew that DH was cheating on me and said nothing, they'd be in line for a major a$$-kicking - right after I was done with DH.

[RockinHorse]

I still buy my hay from him and he continues to give it to me at a great price! Sometimes, you just need to stick up for what is right and let the chips fall where they may.

:eek::eek::eek:

[Woodland]

Sounds like he would make a good gelding.
Think we can find a vet to do it?

Oh I have a rusty knife just perfect for the job.


This dweezle doesn't show his face here often to begin with. If I happen upon him I believe I will talk to him. I did tell the delivery driver to tell "fun chick" I said "hello" that way she knows I know - which might be enough. It's not her fault the guy can not keep his pants zipped. But she knows he is cheating. As a fellow female she should kick him to the curb.

I am always APPALLED at women who date/sleep with cheating men knowingly - PATHETIC!

[Frank B]

Sage advice! (http://www.joystiq.com/media/2006/04/zipped_lips.jpg)

[deltawave]

I'd stay out of it, particularly if you aren't positive you know EVERY aspect and ALL sides of the story, and if your evidence of active shenanigans going on with girl #2 consists of gossip from a florist. People send flowers for lots of reasons.

People don't crumple into a million pieces over getting their hearts broken. Everyone will survive, and will move on. Even the innocent girl #1. People can and do figure these things out on their own, every day, in every corner of the world.

[lcw579]

I'm on the fence on this one. My first inclination was that you should stay out of it because inevitably you'll be blamed as the bearer of bad news. But, it I was being cheated on I would want to know so I could exact my revenge on my husband and the other woman.

I agree with those who would be really angry at their friends if they found out they were being deceived and then found out that others knew about it and said nothing. That is like pouring salt in the wound. I'd feel like more of a fool by being the last to know.

Isn't there some web site that sends anonymous emails? It is the cowards way out but it could preserve peace at the barn to a degree but get the information out there.

I'm not sure that talking to the idiot man would do much good. He is probably so practiced at lying by this point that he can make up stories that a naive woman will believe in a nanosecond. Nice girl #1 sounds like she might be that type. Fun girl #2 might be well aware and along for the ride, so to speak, so you may need to readjust your opinion of her, Woodland. She may be a hoot but she may not be that nice as a person.

Grandprixjump, if you were in PA I'd have people to fix you up with. But you're right, some women do always go for the cad's - why, is a mystery!

[Iron Horse Farm]

I can only agree that this is a LOSE LOSE for Woodland.

Early in my marriage, I found out that a very very good friend, in a committed 7 year relationship, was being cheated on. The BF worked with my husband and he told me confidentially that BF was having an affair with a woman at their work and that she was pregnant. :eek:

I flipped my lid and ran and told my friend. WRONG idea. I was told that I was jealous, a liar, mean, etc etc etc. You name it, she said it. You guessed it, she stayed. She believed him, not me. It took her until the affair baby was almost 2 and another on the way for her to leave the dirtbag.
Although we now still speak, our tight-as-sisters, I-can-tell-you-anything friendship is a thing of the past. :(

[LarissaL]

How I would approach it depends on the woman's attitude. If she's one that wouldn't believe the news, I'd just let it go. Otherwise, I would talk to her directly or have a close friend do it.

I would hesitate to warn the boyfriend first. That method sort of lets him save face if he decides to approach the issue. Especially as many repeat cheaters are pathological, in a way. He'd for sure have a smooth and heartwarming approach to breaking the news to the live-in lady. No way, no how do I want this kind of guy to be able to sweet talk my girlfriend while apologizing for cheating.

After having been in the live-in's situation, I could never keep my mouth shut. I was devastated that people close to me let me make a fool of myself and suffer for so long. Why? Because they couldn't handle seeing me get upset? Didn't want to be the one to hurt my feelings? Ridiculous.

[Camstock]

I'm with BuddyRoo with the addition of giving him a copy of the email, addressed to each of the women, that I would put on delay send for the next day at noon.

[findeight]

I dunno...and I was married to somebody like this and somebody should have pointed out some of the lies.

BUT...kind of assuming alot based on second hand info from this blabbermouth florist. Maybe she should be the one to speak "I delivered flowers with a sexy note to his other squeeze"? Perhaps she lacks the guts and expects to just watch the fun when you relay her now second hand info?

Seems like "somebody told me so I am telling you he bought flowers for somebody else" is not the concrete evidence you would present to a dear and close friend knowing the hurt and chaos it will cause. Let alone somebody you are friendly with but not that close outside the barn relationship.

You know the clod is going to deny it and you will be the bad guy, don't you? She'll side with him too, happens every time.

Now, if you had delivered the flowers or seen him with the other? Maybe it would be your place to tell her...but not to relay second hand info based on a flower delivery you did not witness.

Hate to say it but a committed relationship is one with a contract, not shacking up. Make all the excuses you want but if there is not a ring and a wedding date, there won't ever be one because, regardless of excuses, the guy does not want it and has a much different definition of "committed". One where he does not feel so gulity because it really isn't cheating in his mind.

I am old and have seen this way too often to think otherwise...done it myself as well.

Stay out of it unless you have specific proof.

[Lori B]

I like the idea of giving Casanova 1 week to get his stories and behavior straight. And then I would tell the boarder. If I were the boarder, I would want to know. I don't think it's at all a given that Woodland is going to be blamed, or that boarder will be in denial.

Gelding is also not a bad idea, if difficult to implement.

[dacasodivine]

I say tell her. If I found out any of my friends knew something like this and didn't tell me, I would not consider that person a friend.

Sending an anonomous note or e-mail might be the way to go. That way she doesn't know who to get mad at if she's going to get mad.

[findeight]

OK...so what are you going to say in an e mail...or in person?

So and so told me that butthead sent flowers to somebody else so I am telling you that she said he did that?

Soooo what exactly is that going to prove? What was in the note or did florist friend not read it and/or share?

Honestly, until you have something better then repeated gossip, I'd keep quiet because it will not convince this gal of anything other then you hate the bf.

Really, she is not going to do anything over that.

[hollyhorse2000]

If I was the "sweet girl," I'd want to know. Don't bother with the cad. You don't have a relationship with him and he'll turn it around it some horrible way.

Just take "sweet girl" aside one day, casually, and just say, "Hey, I just want to give you a head's up. I've heard some talk that Cad is seeing Girl x again behind your back. I have no idea if this is true or not, but I thought I'd pass it on. You're my friend and I don't want you to get hurt, if anything is going on. I don't know for sure. So anyway, how is your horse? Did you have a nice ride . . . "

[Susan P]

I wonder if anyone ever thought about telling HIM that his nice, sweet girlfriend is cheating and see what happens next. :eek:

Send flowers from both ladies with their names to him at the same time. Or since he's living with one, just send flowers from the other woman.

Or how about finding their rendezvous and take the nice girl when you expect them to meet.

Or get the two girls together, then ask how the creep is doing and let them talk it over.

Or try to arrange the girls to invite him to the same horse show, let him explain why he can't go, keep putting him on the hot seat.

Or get the nice girl to get him on the cell phone and loudly mention the name of the other woman. Maybe say "Hi, _______"

Here's the most fun, get both the girls to read this thread. :winkgrin:
These are all no doubt very bad ideas, but they kept popping into my evil head. It's probably best to leave them all alone because when you spend that much time with someone and you don't know they're cheating, it's probably because you don't want to know. JMO She will probably stay with him and leave your barn if you tell her anything, the bad guy usually wins till she wakes up.

[Pony Person]

I wonder if anyone ever thought about telling HIM that his nice, sweet girlfriend is cheating and see what happens next. :eek:
Send flowers from both ladies with their names to him at the same time. Or since he's living with one, just send flowers from the other woman.
Or how about finding their rendezvous and take the nice girl when you expect them to meet.
Or get the two girls together, then ask how the creep is doing and let them talk it over.
Or try to arrange the girls to invite him to the same horse show, let him explain why he can't go, keep putting him on the hot seat.
Or get the nice girl to get him on the cell phone and loudly mention the name of the other woman. Maybe say "Hi, _______"
Here's the most fun, get both the girls to read this thread. :winkgrin:
Maybe I'm just evil, but I like those ideas.:yes: Or maybe Woodland can get someone else to do one of those so s/he's not directly involved:D

[Chester's Mom]

I can only agree that this is a LOSE LOSE for Woodland.

Early in my marriage, I found out that a very very good friend, in a committed 7 year relationship, was being cheated on. The BF worked with my husband and he told me confidentially that BF was having an affair with a woman at their work and that she was pregnant. :eek:

I flipped my lid and ran and told my friend. WRONG idea. I was told that I was jealous, a liar, mean, etc etc etc. You name it, she said it. You guessed it, she stayed. She believed him, not me. It took her until the affair baby was almost 2 and another on the way for her to leave the dirtbag.
Although we now still speak, our tight-as-sisters, I-can-tell-you-anything friendship is a thing of the past. :(

Oh yes, been here! BFF was getting married and her hubby to be GROPED me! Wasn't the first time he had tried something with one of her friends. The first time he convinced her the other gal came on to HIM. She refused to even entertain the notion that he might have been at fault.

I just told her he made me uncomfortable and it suddenly became something wrong with ME. Idiot. She married him tho and we stay in touch very casually..... never been the same tho.

But I would tell in a heartbeat. Not gossip spreading telling but truth. I would want to know and I remember the golden rule: Treat others the way you would like to be treated.

[EponaRoan]

The problem with telling is that Woodland didn't catch the alleged cad in the act of canoodling or more with the other woman. She's relying on a third party (hearsay!) who says he sent both women flowers. Maybe girl #2's dog or mother died or something. Maybe the florist wants him for herself & is lying! :lol: There's just not enough information, imo to proceed in warning live-in girlfriend about him.

[lcw579]

We can go back and forth on this for days. Did the blabbermouth florist happen to mention what the cards to each said? If it was something with a clear message like "Thanks for XXX last night, Girl #2, You are so Hot" and "Sorry I had to work late and cancel our plans last night Girl #1" then I think your decision might be a bit easier. :D

Tell florist to print out the order if you need evidence. :yes:

[Coreene]

Pre-AIDS, it was easier to keep your mouth shut. But if this loser is banging both of them, and you don't know who else he is banging, imagine if he's banging them all sans condom?

Just sayin'.

[tpup]

Is the former student also boarding at your barn?

If I read your post correctly, you are good friends with the Mom of the young woman boarder (not the former student). If that is the case, why not tell the Mom? As a Mom myself, I would hope that a good friend of mine would disclose if she heard that my daughter might be getting hurt, by a sleazy man no doubt. Just a thought.

[arabhorse2]

These situations always make me shudder, because there isn't going to be a good outcome, regardless of WHO tells.

I think the florist shouldn't have said anything to you.

[Diamondindykin]

I found out through another client who is a florist who sent flowers to both from the cad man. Saying anything will violate the trust of the florist client - but what do I do?

Advice please!

I hate to say it but this sounds like gossip to me and just because he sent flowers to both of them that doesn't prove he is doing anything. Unless you heard it directly from the guys mouth or you saw them together doing something then you can't prove he is doing something wrong. Save yourself the embarrasment of being wrong and hurting your friend and MYOB!!

[LD1129]

Anonymous letters are fantastic ;)

[grayarabs]

Coreen made a good point and I would like to add another one.
I would talk to sweet girl and let her know that you have suspicions.
Hopefully if the guy is a cad she will confirm it and break off the relationship - hopefully sooner than later. It would be terrible if she got pregnant before she confirmed he was a cad.

[Trevelyan96]

I'd tell her, but I'd talk to party girl first, tell her that I'd heard she was involved again with the cad, and tell her that I'm going to tell girl #1. Then I'd simply tell the nice girl exactly what you know, which is that he's sending flowers to both girls, that you're not exactly sure what it means, that you've already talked to party girl about it as well, so that she's free to read into it exactly what she wants to. My guess is that party girl knows exactly what is going on, and if the $#!^ house does fall down, she will probably be the one to land on top.

[Long Spot]

My question would be is boarder more important to you as a friend or as a client? If the answer is "client" pretend you never heard a word.

The fact she is a client makes this all the more convoluted, even if you do consider her a friend. The potential for this to blow up in YOUR face and splattering all over your business is huge, even if telling her is the "right" thing to do.

It's not even close to the other barn drama someone used as an example. This is your place of business, friend or not. That stuff is horse and health related. NOT personal.

I am going to go with anonymous letter, though the potential for being outed as the sender is quite possible, since florist now knows that YOU know.

I guess I'd send an anonymous letter from a different city, and tell NO ONE you sent it. I mean NO ONE. And if questioned by flortist or anyone else, be prepared to deny it till the end of time. Deny everything. Admit nothing. Make counter accusations....had a T-shirt that said that for a while. Also keep in mind writing styles can be very telling, so make sure letter doesn't "sound" like you in anyway. Maybe misspell a word that client would never suspect you of misspelling.

Not that I have any experience with something like this....;)

[Woodland]

The problem with telling is that Woodland didn't catch the alleged cad in the act of canoodling or more with the other woman. She's relying on a third party (hearsay!) who says he sent both women flowers. Maybe girl #2's dog or mother died or something. Maybe the florist wants him for herself & is lying! :lol: There's just not enough information, imo to proceed in warning live-in girlfriend about him.

Well not exactly. I was in town and stopped by the client who is also the florist. Who was EXCEEDINGLY troubled that the CAD had chosen her shop- unwittingly - to do his canoodling.

See he does not know that she is also a farm client and knows that girl A use to date CAD and girl B is living with CAD.

Since the cards are computer generated - the message typed in as the order is placed(high tech upscale shoppe) The cards are proofed before attaching them to the deliveries. I have to say nothing dictated is ever a surprise to her anymore - she has heard and RARELY repeated anything. She only repeats them - names omitted - when they are hysterical!

She was just squashed over this and asked to unburden her remorse at having to dupe A & B for CAD. She is well above switching the cards for impact. And she would be mortified that I am even asking for advice publicly!

I do not want to do the deed. But if it were me I would want to know. I am just not sure what to do and for now I will say and do nothing.

This is not gossip it is true and factual and painful for me to know.

[Cherry]

You have the florist switch the names on the flowers, so boarder gets old flames card, and old flame gets boarders card. Then you're out of it, and the florist's butt is covered (sorry for the mixup!). Suspicion alone will get that ball rolling on both ends.
Brilliant!!!! That would hasten the end of the charade.... :winkgrin: :yes: :lol:

Woodland--don't say anything. If the above happens you won't have to.... It would be a shame to lose two friends over this jerk's behavior! Talk to him though if you feel you have to talk to anyone. If he doesn't "man up" then I would have a rose delivered to each one with the switched cards! :yes: No one would have to know where the roses really came from--and each woman would get the message, loud and clear--but you are held blameless! (Hopefully!)

Edited to add--unless something is done this will continue on for as long as this guy can manage to string everyone along.... Can you and your florist friend really watch this continue???? I couldn't..... :( I just think women have to look out for each other....

[lcw579]

Well, Woodland, what are you going to do?

Would the florist print out the cards for you so when you tell the nice girl about the cad you will have the proof she will no doubt demand?

Even though the smart thing to do would be nothing, I can't see how you will be able to sit back and watch this behavior continue. I know I wouldn't be able to. The girl he is living with deserves to know.

Maybe approaching the "fun" girl would be the better option. If she knows that people are on to her she may re-think her behavior. You could also give her a time frame in which to make things right before you go to nice girl with the truth. The threat of exposure could force her hand.

I sure don't envy you. :no:

[2DogsFarm]

I'd like to think I'd take BuddyRoo's advice - spares both your friends but puts the Asshat on notice.

It may still backfire and end up costing you a friend, But at least you'll have done more than turn a blind eye.

Funny HR story:
Back when I was a WS I took off one of my "barn nights" to go out with friends.
Next time I came into the barn a co-worker pulled me aside to whisper my SO (later DH) had called last night and she had told him I was there, but too busy to talk.
She thought she was covering for me stepping out on him.
Ha!
He had just forgotten where I said I'd be that night and called the barn to find out if that was the place.

And non-HR but related to OP's situation:
A friend of mine was married but cheating. I was out with her when we ran into a friend of hers who asked how her husband was. Friend told her friend they were "separated"... Really? That was news to me!
As soon as her friend left I told her to never tell that lie in front of me again unless she meant separated by not being in the same building at the same time or I'd out her!
I refuse to stand by and listen to BS of that sort.

Woodland - I hope you find some advice here that works for you.
Keeping that sort of secret stinks.

[asb_own_me]

Since the cards are computer generated - the message typed in as the order is placed(high tech upscale shoppe) The cards are proofed before attaching them to the deliveries. I have to say nothing dictated is ever a surprise to her anymore - she has heard and RARELY repeated anything. She only repeats them - names omitted - when they are hysterical!

Has she shared what these particular cards actually said?

[Sdhaurmsmom]

I vote for letting your client know somehow - and the sooner, the better...she could be getting STDs from this guy, - in fact, your client is 'sleeping' with whoever he chooses to sleep with...only she doesn't know it.

She might want to be a little more picky than he is, and she probably deserves the chance to make a decision about that, rather than go on unknowing.

And yes, he might be using a barrier contraceptive, but since he is a CAD, he just as easily might not.

Not to mention the fact that he's not worth hanging on to, and the sooner she can kick his can to the curb, the better her life will be, long-term.

Anonymous letter works. Or a talk. I would want to know if I were her - for all kinds of reasons.

[StefffiC]

Is the former student also boarding at your barn?

If I read your post correctly, you are good friends with the Mom of the young woman boarder (not the former student). If that is the case, why not tell the Mom? As a Mom myself, I would hope that a good friend of mine would disclose if she heard that my daughter might be getting hurt, by a sleazy man no doubt. Just a thought.

If someone told my mother I'd be pissed on general principle. I live in a small town and have had people tell my parents that I bought a pregnancy test at Walmart; at the time I was on my own, 25 years old, and it was no ones business what I bought other than my own.

I think it would be better to tell the girl than the mother.

[Woodland]

Has she shared what these particular cards actually said?


Both cards read Happy Sweetest Day: "All My Love Always" CAD


What am I going to do? For now nothing. I see all the women involved daily. The CAD once in a great while - not since this at all. Nice girl is in the indoor riding right now. She and I have a lesson in a few minutes. This will be our first close contact since. So I dunno what to do. I am pretty upset over her getting hurt. But she is far more client than friend. She is the age of my own children - perhaps that is why I am so protective? For now I need to mull it over. You all were so decisively split in your opinions it made me more uncertain how to deal with this. ....... I'll let you know.....

[cloudyandcallie]

Think before you act.

I've seen this happen many times. You tell your student that her boyfriend sent flowers to another woman.

They fight, break up, but then make up.

He hates you for snitching. She sides with him. Cause she loves him. And he promised to never do it again, lol.

You end up on the outs.

Only narcs love a snitch.

Everyone of my friends who had a cheating boyfriend/spouse suspected it, but they always forgave over and over.

And just what do you know? The florist told you he sent the flowers to 2 women. That's it. You didn't catch them in the hayloft making out.

If you intervene, expect to lose all the way round. Including with the florist cause when the girlfriend and guy get mad at her for snitching, she'll lose business, and the florist will then blame you.

Just depends on how many people you want to lose as customers.

[Sansena]

Being a woman who stayed in a bad relationship WAY-Y-Y too long with a chronic cheater, and was warned by soooo many people, and chose to ignore them.. I say keep your mouth shut. HOWEVER.:

I would send an enticing invitation to a romantic spot, like a restaurant or cozy bar, to all THREE of the parties. I'd make the invite anonymous, only signed from 'Your sweetie', or some likewise benign pet name.

Kinda like locking them in the stall together, but they don't have to know it was you coordinating the big reveal.

[slc2]

Everyone is going to feel differently about it.

I work with a lot of severely mentally ill women and they are very often the target of abusive, manipulative and fairly unsavory men, and in their case, I sometimes do get more involved than i would with non mentally illl friends, especially if there is a danger of suicide or other self harm if something isn't done.

Most of the time, depending on circumstances, I say nothing 'unless asked'. I won't lie or distort things if I know something, but I also won't 'offer' any information.

There is a very big contingency that will tell you that whether you do anything or not, it will come out, and the relationship will be ended eventually. Alot of people feel that unless one is likely to be physically harmed that they should not step in. Others feel they themselves may be harmed if the person is dangerous or very manipulative.

In your case, I'd be extremely, extremely cautious about believing the story from the florist. If I did wind up having to tell girlfriend, I'd say, 'I really have no idea if this is true. But someone told me this'. We recently had a very, very awkward experience of having an old highschool classmate tell a number of people our dad died of a genetic illness. When we dug into it, we found that the person's reasons for saying that were very, very questionable. It put us through a great deal of pain and suffering, that statement, and we were very concerned about grandchildren in the family.

be sure of what you say, or share it with a very, very heavily stated, 'i really do not know', and keep in mind that 'i really do not know if this is true' is often not heard at all, just a possibility of something is painful enough and it causes a lot of anxiety just as a possibility.

No one decision is wrong....except the decision which puts you in danger, which confronting the boyfriend is quite possibly going to do - which even telling the girlfriend may cause. I've known friends who have wound up 'bumping into' a person involved in a 'tell 'em' like this years later, with very bad effects. Be careful.

[Cielo Azure]

If my friend found this out I'd want to know.

Don't go to the jerk, he is a snake and will just use this information to make you look bad or get out of the situation dishonorably.

Go to your friend. Tell her confidentially that rumors are going around about him and another person. Let her know that you care.

So what? It blows up. It isn't like it is going to hurt you by letting someone know she is being used. If something like that happened to me, and my friends didn't tell me about it? I would be devastated. Talk about being embarrassed/hurt/schocked! That people (women at the barn or even one woman) knew your boyfriend was cheating and they kept quiet! Yuck. I would move my horse, my life and get the heck away from people who treated me like that! If nothing else, think about the STDs and the risk this person is being exposed to! That alone, makes it morally wrong to not say something. Talk to her (not him) -he already has proven that he can create stories out of his b*** to cover his A**.

[lcw579]

I would send an enticing invitation to a romantic spot, like a restaurant or cozy bar, to all THREE of the parties. I'd make the invite anonymous, only signed from 'Your sweetie', or some likewise benign pet name.

Kinda like locking them in the stall together, but they don't have to know it was you coordinating the big reveal.

You are an evil genius :lol: I love it! :lol:


Both cards read Happy Sweetest Day: "All My Love Always" CAD


What am I going to do?But she is far more client than friend. She is the age of my own children - perhaps that is why I am so protective? For now I need to mull it over. You all were so decisively split in your opinions it made me more uncertain how to deal with this. ....... I'll let you know.....

What is your relationship with "fun girl" like? I really think she may be the one you need to approach, especially if you have more of a friendship with her. Play on her sympathies by mentioning how this will tear your barn family apart when it comes out - which it will because if she doesn't end things you will out her.

[exploding pony]

If the florist is also a client, you are really in a tight spot. You need her to make the decision, not you, as it's also going to effect her.

[Woodland]

"Fun girl" is pregnant - I do not know who the Dad is if it is CAD or not. :no:

So I am going to let this ride - very very very soon IF "Fun girl's" child is sired by CAD the you know what will hit the fan sooooon to be sure! The baby is due in March.

:no: not good not good at all ......:no:

[Ambrey]

What a sad situation for fun girl :( I hope everything turns out OK for everyone except CAD!

[fivehorses]

How did you come to find out fun girl is prego?

[Woodland]

How did you come to find out fun girl is prego?


She told me last night at the farm supply. She is happy, I am happy for her. I adore this girl she is a blast to be around. I did not ask who the father was and she did not tell me.

:sigh: So I will do and say nothing and let these three work it out. Someone is going to have a boat load of heart ache and I will not add to it. Now a baby is involved - innocent to all of this. I swear if my own kids had this alley cat mentality I would beat it out of them! And they are grown ups.

What is wrong with a single monogamous committed relationship/marriage before children:confused: gad being human - being a parent is so very hard to begin with - why make it so full of drama and heart ache? :no: It's beyond me......

[2bayboys]

Definitely stay out of it. It doesn't sound like this is going to turn out well for anyone involved. :no:

It is such a mistake to get too involved in the Very Messy personal lives of friends. You are bound to get burned one way or the other.

[fivehorses]

I couldn't agree more.
Let's hope that cad sent the fun girl those flowers as a congratulatory gesture.
Whatever the case, having children is a serious endeavor, and raising them means sacrafice and putting aside self centered emotions. Let's hope fun girl understands that, and if cad is the dad, that he also realizes that.

The girl cad lives with is going to be devastated on more than just his cheating, so all the support and wise wisdom you can share to help her move past this will he helpful.
What a mess.

[lcw579]

"Fun girl" is pregnant - I do not know who the Dad is if it is CAD or not. :no:

So I am going to let this ride - very very very soon IF "Fun girl's" child is sired by CAD the you know what will hit the fan sooooon to be sure! The baby is due in March.

:no: not good not good at all ......:no:

:eek: Oh, this is awful news! I actually gasped aloud when I read your post! :eek:

You are right there is nothing you can do now but sit back and watch how this unfolds. Good Lord, it is like a plot of a Soap Opera!

One of those girls is in for a world of hurt. I hope that Cad does the right thing by Fun Girl and baby. I hope this is the wake up call those two needed to finish growing up and assume the responsibility necessary to raise a child. Poor little baby, that's who the real loser is in all this.

Poor Woodland, I feel so sorry for you - stuck in the middle of this melodrama!:(

[2bayboys]

But Woodland is NOT stuck in the middle of this melodrama, she is not the mother of Fun Girl or Sweet Girl or Cad, all of whom are adults and got themselves into this mess. Even Sweet Girl knew what she was dealing with when she got involved in the relationship with Cad, Woodland said she knew about Fun Girl from the past.

Woodland is a spectator in this event and needs to remain so.

[lcw579]

Woodland may only be an observer but she is stuck in the middle of it since the nice girl is a boarder and the pregant girl is a former client. I am sure that this drama will be playing itself out, at least in part, at Woodland's barn. THAT is how she is stuck in the middle.

[BuddyRoo]

My advice? Write a book.

[2bayboys]

Ah, but the drama should NOT be playing itself out at the barn. That is the point. Nor should it be playing out at anyone's place of employment. "Barn drama" and "work drama" happens because people bring their personal lives into these environments, where they do not belong. Leave it at home.

[SouthBeach1990]

I am the same side of the fence as 2bayboys. Horse related relationships are unique in that business is so often mixed with pleasure, but in this case it needs to be kept out of the barn. This sounds like a complete soap opera and you will only be blamed, even through embarassment of your knowing, if you get involved. I know your clients are your business in that a rift can lead to your loss of business, so staying out of it is even more imperative because some of the parites are your clients.

Also you really have no idea of what the story is here, you have the Florist/Client , NiceGirl/Client, Fun/Pregnant/girl and Mr. Viagra so we are talking about four stories and then your own deducations and then the truth. It is sad to see people go through this, but Florist/Client and NiceGirl/Client both have the "client" operative words in their relationship with you, so staying out of it is really the best step.

:no:

[riverbell93]

:eek: Personally, I'd mention to Sweet Girl that I'd heard Cad was back with Fun Girl. If she throws a fit and blames you, so what? Will the world end? Come on, you do what you can and people respond as they will. I'd be a little worried that although the pregnancy might force the triangle into the open, it might not - if FG is ok with the guy's behavior, which she seems to be if she's with him off and on, she might be fine without an open committment and that's a really ugly idea, that this whole thing could continue with the oblivious SG and FG/New Mommy interacting.

[WW_Queen]

I would stay 100 feet away from a situation like that. Whether you know what you know or not, sometimes you get forced into situations that you can't control.

I am privy to all of the info at our executive office....a younger man was hired last year, two small children, bright, cheery, about to buy a new house, really engaged in the business, isn't life roses.....then due to unexpected circumstances they had to cut him loose, but I knew for two months he was going to be dropped like a rock but it was not my place to say anything or warn him.

It sucks to see people get hurt, but really, you have no choice. Just sit back and try and be supportive to whichever team player you are rooting for.

I would want my parent/best friend to tell me my partner was cheating....not somebody outside of that tight circle.

[Reds-n-Greys]

Woodland, I don't envy you. I agree with those that said you will be the bad guy if you inform anyone of the info you have. Hopefully, CAD grows a set (well, I guess we know he already has them), and if he's the father does the "right thing". (Hey I can dream, can't I)

Til then ~ I've got the popcorn.....

[monstrpony]

A large part of me agrees that this is nobody's business but those directly involved, but how would you feel if you knew about all of this and then found out that Sweet Girl had also gotten pregnant? Then there would be two innocent victims (the babies) in addition to all of the so-called adults involved.

Argh!

I agree, write a book ...

[Woodland]

Trust me - I can not stand drama in my stables - i have booted numerous drama llamas from my premises for bringing horse related drama here.

I prefer to be blissfully unaware of a persons personal toils. Especially when they are self inflicted. I detest gossip and snub it off as often as it is presented. (except in Fla horse drama - but we needed gossip in that to discover the truth-RIGHT?)

My friend's desire to unburden her angst over the gifts put it from her shoulders to mine. I carried it a day or two - realized it was indeed not my burden and far heavier a burden than I wished to share with someone - and i dropped it. i am surprised I carried it at all -:(

These young adults have chosen a very difficult path to begin adulthood on. As a parent I think I projected my maternal instincts in wishing to spare any of them harm/pain(except CAD - who I wish was castrated for his debauchery)

It won't be blissful for long - this will hit the fan hard. Especially with the holidays around the corner. Holidays = DRAMA. Then I will duck and cover and try my darn best to forget all I know and when I knew it.

Heck I can not remember where I put my truck keys this morning - in no time i'll be like "who's pregnant? Who is sleeping with who?" I mean at my age you forget quick! There is no room in my brain anymore. I do know all the word to Yellow Submarine - I learned that in the 60's :D So when the subject comes up again - I'll just hum that in my head and glaze over :cool:

[Chardavej]

We STILL don't know if he is having an affair with her or not! He just ordered flowers, he used to date her, maybe she had told him she was pregnant and sent flowers to her for best wishes and while there sent some to his girlfriend.

While this might not be the case it is possible. Don't assume anything until you have facts, like you catch them together or one of them tells you.

[Coreene]

I hope no one from Woodland's barn also reads this BB. And I hope that none of that trio has an STD.

Woodland, my heart goes out to you. Not a fun place to be.

[BelladonnaLily]

It would be unprofessional, IMHO, for you to do anything besides MYOB. I cannot imagine the owner of the company I work for getting involved in ANY way in the personal lives of his employees or clients. The situation is unfortunate, but you are running a business (not a dating service) and should maintain distance from personal relationships. The florist that shared the information with you was acting in a very unprofessional manner and put you in an uncomfortable position. And since the information is second-hand, you would be going one step worse by spreading what is only gossip at this point. Not a reputation you want, I'd think.

Good luck.

[dizzywriter]

The hard part is that if you do nothing, then you are not really being "friends" with the sweet girl, because it will be on your mind and you will feel guilty for holding back the type of information you might normally share.

I vote with BuddyRoo - that the cad should take the blame, not you.

But, you must know from the florist that there is something more going on? Sending flowers to two women is not a sin. My ex still sends me flowers even though he has a new gal in his life. We split amicably, could this situation be the same?

jan

I agree with this. If sending flowers is the only evidence that he's a cad, that's too thin to make assumptions -- or to say anything to anyone.

[ESG]

Several angles...you decide:

1) Current live in: Probably wishes with all her might to believe he is true to her. She will likely not believe you. Will likely be angry at least at first. And has likely resigned to stay with him. She has afterall, put her eggs in that basket as it were.

2) Side chick: Probably believes that she is in the right, afterall, they have history. Perhaps she knows, perhaps she does not. However, if you mention it to her, she may very well say "game on".

3) Dude: Thinks he's hot sh!t and is gonna get away with it. Me personally, HE is the one I'd talk to if anyone.

Why? Because often when you sit someone down who is playing everyone around them, call them out and tell them that they have X time to remedy or YOU are going to take action FOR them? They handle it.

That is IF you want to do anything at all.

If you do? Were it me (and I WAS in a similar situation)...

"Dude, here's the deal. I know what you're up to. I care about these two women. I DON'T care about you. But I'm going to give you the opportunity to make this right. You've got a week. Man up and handle it. I'm not the only one clued in here so your time is limited. I'm willing to keep this under my hat for now. I am offering you the opportunity to make this right."


At first reading, I agreed with TheJenners about staying out of it completely. Then I read BuddyRoo's advice and wholeheartedly agree with it. Tell the cad to think with the big head rather than the little one for a change, and clean up his mess before you have to step in and clean it up for him. He needs to know that, if he doesn't step up and at least attempt to act like a man, that there will be a LOT of words, and he won't like any of them. :winkgrin:

Best of luck. Being put in the middle of other peoples' selationships sucks rocks. :sigh:

[Angela Freda]

We STILL don't know if he is having an affair with her or not! He just ordered flowers, he used to date her,
Guys I dated never sent flowers WHILE we were dating let alone on 'Sweetest Day' after we were no longer dating.
And yes I dated ALL the wrong guys, but still.... seems a stretch doesn't it?

Now is CAD the only guy she's dating and therefore the sperm donor? (rhetorical)

Woodland, good luck tuning this all out. Seems for all the drama you avoided over the years, you sure are in deep this time. Hope it ends well.

[Mini_Whinny]

You know, I am both of sides of the fence on this one.

One because I just watched it happen to my mother. My father had been unfaithful for 15 years and she just found out a couple years ago. Every neighbor knew and not one told her. If someone had told her she would have been able to get out faster. Now she has wasted 15 years of her life.

On the other hand, giving flowers doesn't prove anything. However, if I found out my SO was giving another woman flowers I'd be pissed.:mad:

I am more creative in the way that instead of telling outright, I would set up a scenario where the woman finds out on her own. (ie: he is there with his other girlfriend-call the current SO and see if she wants to come for a ride-something like that)

[Sdhaurmsmom]

I am privy to all of the info at our executive office....a younger man was hired last year, two small children, bright, cheery, about to buy a new house, really engaged in the business, isn't life roses.....then due to unexpected circumstances they had to cut him loose, but I knew for two months he was going to be dropped like a rock but it was not my place to say anything or warn him.


OUCH!

I'm glad I'm not in your position. I wouldn't be able to work for a company who knew in advance they'd have to let a new hire go, would have been able to give the guy two extra months to be looking around for other work, and opted not to. That SUCKS a LOT!

OK, not on topic for this thread -sorry for the sidetracking.:eek:

[flyingchange]

Oh good grief ....

Stay out of it. There is a label for the type that Buddyroo is advising you to be: "busybody."

It is not your place. This kind of crap happens all the time and nothing good ever comes of someone trying to be the "relationship police" by intervening and "saving the day."

Let nature take it's course ... everything eventually will "come out in the wash..." . Feelings will be hurt, devestation will occurr. It will be ugly. It's unfortunate but it is life and it really is not your place to get involved.

[soccermom711]

Buddyroo, can you be my new best friend?:lol: I love your advice:winkgrin: Actually, there has been alot of good advice given here.........

I've also been on both sides of this. I can tell you, I do NOT want to be the last to know and I've made this very clear to my friends. We will no longer be friends if I find out they have ever kept something like this from me. All of my friends feel the same way about this issue, EXCEPT one friend, who does not want to know. But, imo, there are few things worse than being the last to know and letting someone else take your life in their hands. :mad:

It seems this situation is now too far out of hand with too many unknowns for there to be an easy answer for you. You're there -- you know the people involved. Go with your gut. I agree that confronting the cad involved is a very good option. However, if you don't feel comfortable with that, find some way, even anonymously to get nice girl's atennae up. Usually, that's all it takes. If the cad has no idea she's been given a heads up, no matter how subtle, it will be very easy for her to catch him --- IF she wants to. They get sloppy when they think no one is the wiser. A simple look at his cell phone records will absolutely seal the deal -- I promise you. Given this man's history with these women, I'd be very surprised if nice girl does not immediately follow through and take matters into her own hands. It's taken friends of mine awhile, but they've eventually caught their cheats.

I'm currently watching a situation from afar. At one point in my life I would have considered this none of my business. But after watching multiple men wreak havoc on friend's lives, I've had it. As women, and fellow human beings, we need to stick together. If/when I get confirmation that this particular cad is still trying to maintain two gf's at the same time, I promise you, they are both getting anonymous emails from me. It's up to them from there.

Better the pain now, then the potential for even more pain and suffering later.

[BuddyRoo]

Well...the pregnancy thing was an interesting twist for sure.

I'm kind of in the "do nothing, but take notes and write a novel" camp now.

Seems way too convoluted. I just feel badly for the girls. Been there, done that, hated it. The worst part was being the last to see the light. Not fun.

[asb_own_me]

Yikes. Woodland, you just keep humming "Yellow Submarine" and stay the heck away from this one. Doesn't look like there's any happy ending here and you don't need to be associated with it :no:

[Mach Two]

Ahhh,barn drama. Since I left my position managing a tack shop, I have been out of the barn drama loop...

Woodland, you sound like a nice person, and you care about clients. I've known men like the one you mention, and they do not change (heck, you know that too!) There will always be things like this, and I would hate for you to lose any clients over this.
My take on this is :leave the florist out of it. She has to make a living.
The party girl is fun, and you like her....this is my thought:

Why not throw a barn baby shower and invite everyone...encourage everyone to bring significant others...and make if a "couples" shower, with each boarder getting an invitation to bring hubby or boyfriend, girlfriend, and make it a fun night of inexpensive gag gifts, a cake, and so forth. That's kind of an innocent way of letting everyone know, because you are doing something nice for someone. Have "sweet girl" help with invitations or decoration. Let her discover this on her own.
I have been there: there is nothing worse than that feeling of the toilet flushing around your heart when you find out the person you love is cheating, but most women tend to "hate" the teller, hate the "other woman," and then turn away in embarrassment. My prediction is a baby shower may pop the cap off this one, and in a few months time, it will all work out.
My Dad always said "If someone does you wrong, just give it a year...it will take care of itself" He was alway right!
Keep your clients as clients, you can (an obviously do) care about them.

[superJ]

Woodland, I know you've already made your decision, but here's a different perspective.

I have several very good male friends. My husband is well aware of them and is fine with it. I hide nothing from my husband.

Recently, I found out I have to put my old mare down...I got the results of the tests at work. I was very upset and one of my good male friends came over and hugged me. Someone saw the hug, and sent my husband an anonymous note saying I was having an affair with said co-worker.

Luckily, my husband is a great guy and understood the situation and said he would have hugged one of his close friends given the same situation too.

Please don't cause problems without knowing the whole story.

[gieriscm]

Why not throw a barn baby shower and invite everyone...encourage everyone to bring significant others...and make if a "couples" shower, with each boarder getting an invitation to bring hubby or boyfriend, girlfriend, and make it a fun night of inexpensive gag gifts, a cake, and so forth. That's kind of an innocent way of letting everyone know, because you are doing something nice for someone. Have "sweet girl" help with invitations or decoration. Let her discover this on her own.

Best Idea EVER!!!! And if Party Girl is a first-time mother then no one will be surprised that there's a baby shower being held for her.

[AnotherRound]

I wouldn't talk to any of them, first and foremost for your professional reputation. Stay out, and if anyone gossips, shut them up quick and tell them to keep gossip out of the barn. If you talk to any of them, you are opening the barn to the draaahhhma.

And don't be so sure she doesn't know. What women show to the world is rarely what is true at home. With that in mind, also, I'd stay out of it.

[EponaRoan]

throw a barn baby shower and invite everyone.

I think if I were in 'nice' girl's shoes, I'd be even more pissed off at someone doing something this manipulative rather than flat out telling me what they thought was going on.

Sounds like throwing a cat into a bunch of dogs just to watch what happens. :(

[Long Spot]

I think if I were in 'nice' girl's shoes, I'd be even more pissed off at someone doing something this manipulative rather than flat out telling me what they thought was going on.

Sounds like throwing a cat into a bunch of dogs just to watch what happens. :(


I agree. Sounds like a move motivated by shadenfrued. :no:

[soccermom711]

I just remember that feeling --- when you get your first clue that the man you love is lying to you or hiding something. It ate at me until I had no choice but to figure out what is was. Of course, I was crushed. But it would have been so much worse if any of my friends had known and not told me. The idea that anyone else knew -- even, for example, the bartender at our favorite place -- drove me crazy. I wondered how big a fool he had made out of me. Maybe that's just me -- perhaps too much pride. But there was some satisfaction out of taking control of the situation, getting to the bottom of it and doing what needed done. There's an old Barry Manilow song that reminds me of that sad time but sums it up pretty well....he said "I made it through the rain, and found myself respected, by the others who, got rained on too".

It happens. The important part is to have the support of the people around you and come out of it a stronger, wiser person.

[hollyhorse2000]

Wow! I'm a bit surprised that party girl didn't know how to use contraception. Nothing takes the party out of a party girl faster than a baby . . . ;-)

[trubandloki]

Wow! I'm a bit surprised that party girl didn't know how to use contraception. Nothing takes the party out of a party girl faster than a baby . . . ;-)

Maybe Partygirl knew very well what she was doing, in hopes of getting her man this way.

[Woodland]

Of course, I was crushed. But it would have been so much worse if any of my friends had known and not told me. The idea that anyone else knew --

I do worry about this part.....a lot......

[je.suis]

as much as you'd like to say something, it's really none of your business. it's a life-lesson for the young woman being wronged. there have to be some warning signs that this guy isn't what he appears to be, and she doesn't see it or doesn't want to. oftentimes, we just don't want to admit the truth. he must be off doing things and lying about where he has been. we women have the best intuition and if we'd only listen to it, cads wouldn't get away with this behavior....unless we allow it.

[Flash44]

Anyone who knows POSITIVELY FOR SURE that someone is having an affair should tell the spouse.

I have been married for 13 years and I have plenty of male friends. There is a line that is not crossed, especially with male friends at work. One of them referred to me as "his girl," and I had to tell him to never refer to me in a possessive manner, even jokingly, as I value my relationship with my husband and I don't ever want anything to be misconstrued and damage my relationship with my husband. It strained my relationship with this male friend, but I don't want to feed anything into the office rumor mill and I value my relationship with my husband much more than my relationship with this male friend.

[lcw579]

Yup, I'm a loser! HL's update got me thinking - this was another drama that I feel a sick need to have resolved for me.

Isn't the fun girl due to deliver soon?

I know I am a bad person - I will say the rosary tonight and go to confession on Saturday - just please tell me what happened! :lol::lol:

[Woodland]

Sorry, I have kept my distance and lost track of it. I will post if I discover anything - I mean Valentine's day is Saturday perhaps another piece of the puzzle will appear. :D

[Watermark Farm]

Go to the man and tell him that if he doesn't tell both women by a certain time/date, then you will.
MTA: There's a special place in Hades for guys like that! Nice boarder girl will be far better off without him.

[caradino]

Several angles...you decide:

1) Current live in: Probably wishes with all her might to believe he is true to her. She will likely not believe you. Will likely be angry at least at first. And has likely resigned to stay with him. She has afterall, put her eggs in that basket as it were.

2) Side chick: Probably believes that she is in the right, afterall, they have history. Perhaps she knows, perhaps she does not. However, if you mention it to her, she may very well say "game on".

3) Dude: Thinks he's hot sh!t and is gonna get away with it. Me personally, HE is the one I'd talk to if anyone.

Why? Because often when you sit someone down who is playing everyone around them, call them out and tell them that they have X time to remedy or YOU are going to take action FOR them? They handle it.

That is IF you want to do anything at all.

If you do? Were it me (and I WAS in a similar situation)...

"Dude, here's the deal. I know what you're up to. I care about these two women. I DON'T care about you. But I'm going to give you the opportunity to make this right. You've got a week. Man up and handle it. I'm not the only one clued in here so your time is limited. I'm willing to keep this under my hat for now. I am offering you the opportunity to make this right."


haven't read everything yet, but this is my favorite reply by far, and what i would advise.

[CanterQueen]

I will pull mine off the mantle and loan them to you.

And I really HAVE done this. Not once, but a few times. Not just related to this kind of situation, but with people who are playing both sides at the office as well. Has worked out well with my integrity intact every single time.

I agree -- tell her!!! For what it's worth -- I was the woman (only I was married) with a cheating husband. I was told about it and still to this day thank that brave woman. I divorced his cheating A$$ and have been happily married to a wonderful man for close to 15 years now -- and to keep it horsy -- he bought me my first horse.

TELL HER, and do it now. :(

[gloryeyes]

BuddyRoo, have I mentioned recently that you are a big huge giant rockstar?

I salute you and your awesomeness, my friend.

[ArtilleryHill]

If I had been the florist, I'd have been tempted to mix up the message cards from him on the two arrangements! Let him explain how they got sent to the wrong person. Sheesh.

Seriously, good luck.

[Kate66]

Tell you what - PM me both their phone numbers and I will call them, or can email them, and tell them they need to look closer into their relationships! They don't know me, they sure as heck wouldn't be able to place me with my accent and I can use a payphone! There you go - saves your friendship and I think that at least the sweet girl should know. I would be destroyed if everyone knew my partner was cheating on me, apart from me, and you know in this case, that everyone does!