How to keep my kid riding when there's no $ [Archive]

Pokey

Oct. 20, 2008, 09:48 AM

It's a stupid question really. The answer is not to keep her riding I expect. But here's the story:

In order to ride, my kid needs to keep her grades at all A/B's, and the last report card before summer, she had 2 c's and lost her riding privileges - until her next report card. Which won't be for a couple more weeks. But she's getting straight A's right now...first time ever.

In that time, I lost my job (was dependent on the housing market - whole department was eliminated). And I'm still looking for work. My family is treading water financially - so no extra money for riding. I feel terrible saying to her that she kept up her end of the bargain, but so sorry, too bad you can't ride now.

My kid was given 4 riding lessons for her birthday (by family). If she rides once a week - that gets her one month. Seems silly to ride a month and stop. I'm more than willing to work at the barn in exchange for her riding. But the next problem is - the barn she'd been riding at already has all that covered. Add to that - while I really love the head trainer, I do not like, at all, the assistant that always gives the lessons, and I'm really not sure about staying at this particular barn. The lessons given by the assistant are not worth the money. I'm adding all this info, because typically, if a person is established at a barn, a trainer will sometimes be willing to allow the work to ride setup, or help out in some way - but that won't happen if we end up else where. I'd hate to ask that favor, then go to a new barn later when I have the money again.

And I've already taken a few horse items out to consignment, and will use any proceeds from that towards her riding lessons. So might get another month out of it...

This is all rambling, I know. I'm sure one of you will be the voice of reason, or point out the obvious. I'm just too far in it to see clearly...

Chief2

Oct. 20, 2008, 09:51 AM

Sometimes promises have to be tabled to a later date, rather than being broken. This may be one of those times. Perhaps in your shopping for another barn, you will find one that gives good lessons for a lower rate.

JustJumpIt!

Oct. 20, 2008, 10:01 AM

Perhaps when the lessons run out you could volunteer with your daughter at a local horse rescue or therapeutic riding center? She'd get some "horse time", you'd both be helping out a good cause, and you may meet some people who could help you out in the riding department.

BuddyRoo

Oct. 20, 2008, 10:04 AM

Two totally separate issues here...but first.... (((hugs)))

The issue regarding the assistant trainer is a problem if you don't feel like your kid is getting what you're paying for. You're in Chicago...surely you can find a barn that's a good fit.

Now onto the $$ thing. I was watching a special about this last week. The "expert" was saying that during these tough times when families are cutting back that parents should sit down with their teens/preteens, and show them how much money is coming into the household and what the expenses are.

And to tell them something along the lines of, "This is not for you to worry about, but I need you to understand that when you ask for something it's not that I don't want to give it to you, we simply can't afford it."

Then, let your kid work! Is she old enough to babysit? Old enough to muck some stalls? Lots of kids long before any economic crisis had to work for every moment of horse time.

Also...rather than worry about super quality instruction and really advancing technically...maybe your child could take a lesson every other week and just have the opportunity to be on/around horses? For now, that would certainly be better than nothing, right?

One last thing....check out the riderless horses and horseless riders thread. Look around on local boards. You might be able to find her a horse to hang out with periodically for free. Sure, won't be lessons....but if she loves horses, and understands the family's financial situation, it should still be enjoyable for her.

ExJumper

Oct. 20, 2008, 10:21 AM

How old is your daughter? Is the able to comprehend the financial situation of your family, or is she too young. That would make a difference with how I dealt with this issue...

DressageGeek "Ribbon Ho"

Oct. 20, 2008, 10:39 AM

I was in that same situation, when I was 10 and older. I babysat, I raked lawns...and because I lived in the Dark Ages, as a female, I was not allowed to have a paper route. So lessons were hard earned.

If you are near a TH place, or rescue, please consider volunteering.

Tell her to come on board or PM me if she would like to commiserate.

Pokey

Oct. 20, 2008, 10:46 AM

Thank you guys - this is helping - you all have brought up good points.

My (step) daughter is 13. She's a pretty good kid, perceptive, and is somewhat aware that money doesn't grow on trees. She has to cook dinner 1x per month, and has a budget of $20 to plan the menu, do the shopping, cook and to feed us all. I think that's helped.

BuddyRoo - you're very sweet - it's odd really, how this: (((hugs))) on a stupid monitor can actually make me feel better. And you also gave me a light bulb moment - my SD just finished a babysitting class (bought and paid for 3 months ago) at the hospital. If she is unwilling to work to ride, then maybe so am I. She's an odd kid - loves horses, hates to part with her money, and is rather unmotivated and lazy sometimes (but not always). In essence - the epitome of a 13 year old girl.

Talking about this makes me realize that my mother required me to contribute when I was of age - seems fair to ask the same of SD now.

I have been barn shopping constantly. I have to admit though - I'm probably looking for something that doesn't exist, and I'm very critical in regards to care and quality of instruction. I've been an assistant trainer, a groom, a rider, a competitor. I want her to have what I've had, and I can't find it.

I have looked at the the riderless horse forum - I check it constantly. And I found a lovely woman with lovely horses - but it was simply too far away to be logical. It's crazy how there could be so many barns with so little need for free help!

I have been looking for a therapeutic/volunteer horse program somewhere close by - I haven't found one yet, but I'll keep looking. I think it's a great solution - and would teach her a lot, and make me feel good helping.

And this kid isn't going to set the horse show world on fire - I don't think she has the drive - so having her ride somewhere where all she gets is saddle time cheaply 2x a month may be ok.

Some of you may be asking - if she's lazy, not driven, etc - why bother. What it comes from is - she does love horses, I want her to find a second circle of friends, I want her to find confidence and be proud of what she can do, and I want to keep her out of trouble. That's why.

So if all else fails - the money talk will happen. The overwhelming sense that I'm letting her down and not keeping my end of the deal up is a bit difficult to take though, I have to admit.

Robin@DHH

Oct. 20, 2008, 10:51 AM

You could try talking to the school counsellor or the 4H advisor at your
county offices. Or your pastor or local service club folks. Explain how
your daughter has improved herself and that you are not able to meet
her incentive. One of these folks may be able to put you in touch with
someone who can help give your daughter some access to horses.
I know if the local school or 4H folks contacted me with a request from
a family such as yours, I would certainly have one of my horses available free
for this young equestrian as long as her grades continued to remain good.

riverbell93

Oct. 20, 2008, 11:00 AM

My sympathies for losing your job; that's hard. And I hope the financial situation improves soon for you. I'm sure she already knows you've lost your job and that her parents are a little tense about money lately. Tell her the truth, in whatever way best suits her age. If you're matter-of-fact about it, and share a little bit of your concern over the family finances, she'll be disappointed but will understand. The two approaches I'd avoid are angry (not that you'd be, but some parents hate to disappoint their kids so much that they get very angry when they have to impart bad news) and apologetic. It's not your fault; you made a good-faith bargain with her, but you can't fulfill it because of circumstances beyond your control. Be nice, be sympathetic, and emphasize the practical reasons the money can't go to riding lessons right now - that you have to pay for heat, water, electric, clothes, etc. Kids don't really think of all that, so pointing them out at least gives her something to grasp. She's still going to be sad and disappointed, but hopefully she'll understand that it's not something you wanted to happen. I'd tell her, even if I hoped to find some way to get her back in lessons, so that she understands that riding is now more precarious and more of a luxury than previously. And tell her now, so that 4-lesson package can ease the sting a bit.

FlashGordon

Oct. 20, 2008, 11:02 AM

I have been barn shopping constantly. I have to admit though - I'm probably looking for something that doesn't exist, and I'm very critical in regards to care and quality of instruction. I've been an assistant trainer, a groom, a rider, a competitor. I want her to have what I've had, and I can't find it.

And this kid isn't going to set the horse show world on fire - I don't think she has the drive - so having her ride somewhere where all she gets is saddle time cheaply 2x a month may be ok.

You yourself have high standards as far as care, instruction, etc. Which is great!

But you admit your daughter isn't that driven and that horses may just be a hobby for her as opposed to something more competitive or involved. So maybe you need to ease your own expectations a little bit as far as the facility or instruction is concerned

You can find a low-key, 4-H, backyard type barn that is still safe and offers quality care. They are out there. They may also be more willing to trade a few hours of work for a lesson.

I started working at the barn when I was 12. I did buckets, swept, painted fences. Eventually "moved up" to doing turnout, stalls, and feeding. Not a fancy place, but safe, totally ethical owners, a really nice family atmosphere. Though I did venture out to other places for instruction and training as I grew up, I worked there evenings and weekends until I was 26 to fund the horse habit! :)

Get creative, and I bet you can find your daughter some "horse time." Lots of good suggestions already. Maybe there is someone in your vicinity that has a nice older horse that needs a little light work. Or a rescue that could use some extra hands.

Good luck!! It is nice of you to be so involved with and concerned for your daughter's interests.

Over the Hill

Oct. 20, 2008, 11:03 AM

If yo are anywhere close to Chicago, this was posted just the other day:
http://www.chronicleforums.com/Forum/showthread.php?t=171805. If you have a bunch of horse experience, it might be worth applying for for you!

BuddyRoo

Oct. 20, 2008, 11:04 AM

Honestly? She's 13!

If she WANTS it, she'll make it work.

I think you should definitely have the money talk. Because afterall, you made her a promise that at this point, you can't keep. She needs to fully understand WHY. And that it is not that you are changing the rules on her, it's that there's no money.

So you will drive her to babysitting jobs as your contribution to the effort, help her make up fliers to put up at church or hand out around the neighborhood, etc....and she can use the money she makes for a lesson or a ride here and there.

I think you're taking on a lot more guilt than you need to. Life is not always fair. And to be really frank....she ought to be getting good grades because that's her JOB. Not because there's a carrot on a stick. I don't have kids, so please take this with a grain of salt...but it annoys me that kids think there always has to be a REWARD for doing the right thing. NO! You do the right thing BECAUSE it's the right thing. And if you get a prize at the end, that's icing. It SHOULD be enough to get good grades for the sake of getting good grades.

But I'm a fuddy duddy. Can you tell? ;)

At her age, I was babysitting my brothers after school every day (no money exchanged hands) and babysitting one or two nights a week for friends of the family. Half of that money went towards vet and farrier bills for the horses. I did not get to keep it. I had to help w/ the daily chores rain/shine/cold of winter in exchange for the privilege of having horses.

My good friend (and BO) mucked stalls after school every day in exchange for riding at that age.

If it's TRULY important to her and you give her a way to make the money to pay for it? She will.

linquest

Oct. 20, 2008, 11:09 AM

My (step) daughter is 13. She's a pretty good kid, perceptive, and is somewhat aware that money doesn't grow on trees. She has to cook dinner 1x per month, and has a budget of $20 to plan the menu, do the shopping, cook and to feed us all. I think that's helped.

I'm very critical in regards to care and quality of instruction. I've been an assistant trainer, a groom, a rider, a competitor. I want her to have what I've had, and I can't find it.

I love the dinner idea! Must use it when/if I have kids :D

With your horse background, perhaps it would be cheaper to part-lease a horse and give lessons yourself? Though I do understand that most teenagers find it difficult to accept instruction from parents, especially step ;)

Good luck with the job and everything. Hang in there, you're doing great!

stryder

Oct. 20, 2008, 11:11 AM

hugs to you.
step parenting is tough. You can be in a no-win situation before you even get out of bed. I'm one, and the first few years were a struggle. We have a wonderful relationship now. It takes honesty and openness.

I'd suggest having the "money talk" first. You're turning yourself inside out about this. If she isn't willing to work for it, why should you? She may love horses, but be just as satisfied working at a dog rescue if the horse thing doesn't work out. The important thing is, to find something she loves doing that gets her into a new circle of friends and keeps her busy, while being manageable for you.

On the other hand, finding the horse solution may be something YOU need, or something that the two of you would like to do together.

Once I know what outcome I'm looking for, it's easier to find the solution.

good luck to you both.

stryder

Gallop Girl

Oct. 20, 2008, 11:23 AM

Well maybe you should talk to you to see if she really WANTS to ride. If she wouldn't want to work for lessons that she may really not want to be doing that? I know when I was a kid that's all I wanted to do. When money was coming in my parents would pay for my lessons but when we had no income coming in I had to work it off if I wanted to ride. Once I started that my parents then didn't pay for a lesson. I worked off board, lessons, etc. I barterd with people (I'll groom their horse and do the stall if I could have saddle time if they weren't able to come out to ride or were on vacation.

Maybe have a discussion with her. Find out if she would be willing to work to pay for her lessons. Tell her that when money gets better you "owe" her four lessons or something like that. So she knows you help up your end as she did hers.

It's tough times now but I really think she will understand. And another thing.....maybe set something up with her that she may not get lessons now but if she keeps up the A's and B's you will put that in to "storage" and it can work toward something "bigger". Kinda like brownie points lol. But the "prize" can't go over the price of what lessons are. Give her options. I really dont' think she'll have problems with it!

You're doing good and the best you can for the circumstances!

Kementari

Oct. 20, 2008, 11:51 AM

I started riding when I was 12, and I've personally paid (in one form or another) for every single lesson I've ever had. When I was a kid (ie, under 18) the deal was that my parents paid for the things I needed to stay safe (helmets, appropriate boots) but everything else - EVERYTHING - was my responsibility. I worked at the barn, delivered newspapers, and babysat until I was old enough to have a semi-"real" job. And I showed, leased, and ultimately bought a horse (to be fair, my parents paid for half of him for my birthday; I paid for the other half with money I'd made from training) during that time, as well as taking weekly lessons. I certainly wasn't on the A-circuit, but I seriously doubt so much has changed in the past 17 years that nice backyard barns that do the local shows and are willing to deal with a(nother) horse-crazy kid have disappeared! :winkgrin:

I think at 13 a kid is old enough to know that times are tough (without terrifying her, of course!) and that sometimes promises have to be modified through no one's fault. She is welcome to ride again because her grades have improved, and you will help her figure out how to budget that - but she is going to have to provide the money/time, or at least a good chunk of it. :yes: I think, too, that a 13 y/o should be old enough to be told that if SHE doesn't think something is worth spending HER money on, then it's going to be tough convincing YOU it's worth spending YOUR money on it! ;)

kellyb

Oct. 20, 2008, 11:56 AM

I'm sorry. :(

There's got to be somewhere she can trade out labor for lessons (if she's really into horses). That would be best - she can learn about all aspects of horse care, get a good work out, and get lessons for free! :)

Cherry

Oct. 20, 2008, 11:58 AM

Pokey--you've gotten some really good responses here! ;)

A wise man once told me, "There's always someone out there willing to help you, if you just ask!". Really, there is! You just have to reach out and made your needs known.

When I was your stepdaughter's age a relative of one of my 4-H leaders allowed me to use his 21 year old broodmare for a 4-H project! Yes, the horse was old but she taught me a lot.... :yes: ;) Of course, there was always an adult or older child around to keep me safe, teach me about horses and guide me... :yes: There are all kinds of ways to learn about horses and you don't learn everything you need to know in riding lessons either! :no: Perhaps someone's backyard barn is the kind of thing your daughter needs--low key, just get on the horse and ride (with supervision). Much more valuable than any riding lesson, IMO!

My advice would be to contact the local 4-H Light Horse and Pony Club leaders or the Pony Club leaders near you and have a chat with them about the kind of situation you think you need for your daughter. Perhaps one of them will have an idea that will pan out! :yes: Maybe someone will have outgrown clothing your daughter could use or they may know where you can get used riding clothing for a song....

I see this a do-able! :yes:

Pokey

Oct. 20, 2008, 12:01 PM

I'll say that this kid needs to express her desire to ride, before I do anything. Without going into all the gories of this kid's head and the family scenario - I'll say that we've had a difficult time getting her to "express" ANYTHING.

I have flat out told her that I will not assume that she wants to ride - that she has to TELL me if she wants to. So I will wait for that to happen. I have also tried really hard to make certain I'm not pushing her into doing something she doesn't want to do - and I have told her on more than one occasion that if she doesn't want to ride, I'm totally fine with that - because then I get to ride! (I gave up riding so she can since we couldn't afford for both of us to ride)

Now, having said all that - she must be willing to contribute her own efforts towards her riding- she's capable of earning money if she wants to. I'd bet she could earn enough babysitting money to equal 1 lesson per week, if she put her mind to it. I will offer my own work at a barn in exchange for her lessons, if I can find the opportunity to do so, in effort to show good faith to holding up my end. Besides - I love working in the barn, so it will make me happy regardless.

I'll also sit down and talk with her about money and lack thereof. My husband and I are very open with her about everything (maybe to a fault). I know she knows. I recall seeing a show where monopoly money was used...they gave the kid a months worth of salary, then started taking it all back for all the bills and such. The excercise demonstrated the point very well.

Over the Hill - I saw that job last week too, and keep looking at it. In all honesty, I'd say I'm half qualified for it...I'd love to be the person supporting that person. I'd say I'm one step down from being able to do that job.

Buddy Roo - I completely agree with you about the carrot and the stick. She has to keep her grades up if she wants to ride - she doesn't get to ride because she keeps her grades up. I know that sounds the same...I *think* there's a difference :) I went to the effort of making her a Rule Book - the rule, why it's the rule, what happens if you break the rule, and what happens if you don't. So she knows what happens before she chooses to do it. Kind of a contract. It's painful for me sometimes to actually have to follow through...but I made the damn book, so I have to!

Also - we've gone the 1/2 lease route once. We leased a horrid little appy. Theory was that I got to ride too, and she got to ride more. And I gave her lessons. Which made me happier than it made her. We stopped the lease (did a one month trial) because we both hated the horse. But I agree - it can be cheaper.

So - long story longer...

the summary is:
1. make sure kid wants to ride
2. tell kid about finances
3. make sure kid is willing to work to ride
4. potentially find cheaper alternative
5. maybe have her ride 2x a month to stretch the finances, and volunteer 2x per month for good deed and horse time

Sound about right?

Thank you all for helping me sort out my thoughts.

kellyb

Oct. 20, 2008, 12:03 PM

Pokey you have a good head on your shoulders. You will get through this just fine. :yes:

BuddyRoo

Oct. 20, 2008, 12:07 PM

Yep! I think there's a difference too. Must keep grades up to keep the privilege.

I think you've got a good plan. But as I mentioned, I don't have kids. So take me with a grain of salt. LOL

Still, I think you need to cut yourself a break so I'll reiterate that point one more time. CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK and stop feeling guilty. You didn't quit your job to screw your daughter over. You didn't have control over that. All you have control over right now is offering her the opportunity if she wishes to participate in the solution. THAT my friend, is a good life lesson IMHO.

Cherry

Oct. 20, 2008, 12:09 PM

Sound about right?
Yup! :yes: :winkgrin:

Don't forget to "network"! :)

Pokey

Oct. 20, 2008, 12:33 PM

you guys are so cool. :)

furlong47

Oct. 20, 2008, 12:53 PM

If kid is 13, she's old enough to do some babysitting or other work to earn money. Or, she can find a barn willing to let her work off the lessons or riding time. That is what I did for many years, as my parents wouldn't pay for lessons. If she really wants to ride she will find a way.

Wellspotted

Oct. 21, 2008, 04:30 PM

I think kids of almost any age can understand when a parent says "We can't afford it." When I was growing up my parents couldn't afford to give us some things we wanted. That is just life.
I don't think it's a good idea to try to explain the family finances to a child. That could just make them worry, to think that their parents suddenly can't afford things they could afford before. Worry certainly doesn't result in straight A's! Kids need to feel that their parents are able to take care of them; on the other hand, they also need to accept that there are just some things their parents can't afford.
I can't understand parents' insisting a child make certain grades to get certain rewards. Not every child can make A's in every subject. For parents to expect a child to always make straight A's is as unrealistic as for a child to expect parents to be able to afford everything they want.

Pokey

Oct. 21, 2008, 05:09 PM

wellspotted - we don't require her to have straight A's. She can have straight B- and it will still suffice. The theory is - if you can't keep your grades up (in middle school), then maybe more time is needed to put efforts towards studies. If more time is needed for school subjects to sink in, extracurricular activities will need to be put on hold - regardless of what they are. Pretty logical I think. And like I mentioned in an earlier post - riding isn't a reward. Good grades (not straight A's) are her responsibility. If she would like to be a C student - that's ok, it just means she's not willing to work towards school in order ride, which also indicates that it may not be that important to her.

I'm ok with telling this kid we can't afford it. What the original question was, is how to I hold up to my part of the bargain, if she's held up hers? And I received plenty of great advice that I believe will be helpful and work.

Alagirl

Oct. 21, 2008, 05:10 PM

I have not read all replies.

But my 2 cents worth (bad pun I know:no: )

Anyhow. Tell your daughter how it is. Give the kid credit and a chance to do her share to the family finances. Even smaller kids understand. heaven help me, I had to tell that to my son MANY times when he was little, because we had already rolled all the coins out of the sofa.

And frankly, I'd rather bag groceries than work at the barn I am a customer at. it just seems once you shift from valued customer to help, the respect and treatment suffers a lot.

JohnDeere

Oct. 21, 2008, 05:30 PM

I am owned by a 13 year old of the femalr persuation.

It is no crime to not have the $$ to do somethig. Better they learn that lesson now than much later, after a subprime mortgage blows up...nevermind.

She can understand and she can work. Support her, be truthful, and see what she wants to work out. Then itsnot you that is on the hook really. She is in control of her own riding. You will drive and help when you can but shes got to find something or make something work.

Good luck. Life just sucks sometimes but thats a valuable lesson.

stryder

Oct. 21, 2008, 06:09 PM

I grew up in a household where money was often very tight, because my parents were working hard to build a business. We ALL knew money was very tight, because we could hear our parents worry and argue about it. Never in front of us, but the house wasn't noise-proof. We would have been much better off, if our parents had been more open about it. Yes, we were children, and we didn't need to know all the details. But even as a pre-teen, or young teen, I would have preferred to know what, if anything, I could have done to help my family and reduce some of the tension. I worried about it constantly.

I think children think everything is about them, and so many of them think that they are part of the problem. It's why children think they are the reason their parents divorce, or any number of other situations that are wholly the responsibility of adults.

I also think it would be a blessing to your SD to know that she can be part of the solution. If she wants to ride, she can earn some or all of the money to do it. You can get her there, or help as you can, but riding is a luxury that she can achieve independently. She can become an independent doer, not a passive passenger.

Best of luck.

JanM

Oct. 21, 2008, 07:22 PM

Pokey-apply for the job, after all the worst that can happen is they say no and if people only accepted jobs that they were 100% ready for then most of us wouldn't qualify for anything.

blackstallion

Oct. 21, 2008, 07:40 PM

You need to find a horse owner like me, who is struggling to exercise and train 4 horses (while working full time) when there is no $$ for a trainer ;) Wish you were closer! I have a 13 year old neice who helped out for a week this summer (she lives 3 hours away). Her mom told her to prove her interest in horses by spending the week here doing all the things horse owners have to do: stalls, feed, scrub buckets, catch, saddle, and ride by herself (with supervision). Her mom hoped it would change her mind about getting a horse! Your 13 year old is old enough to work for her rides.

Pokey

Oct. 21, 2008, 07:58 PM

JanM, you're right. I will. I think being laid off and out of work for too long has really changed my head for the worse. I was so happy and gung ho in the beginning...now, not so much. I've been really wanting to get back into the horses full time...there's no harm sending a resume.

Black Stallions - I wish I lived near you, or the plethora of others on the east coast in need of a little help - I'd love to.

I did send a query to a horse rescue about volunteering - so that's a start too.

For those of you who've mentioned kids being too young to know - I have to tell you, my 7 year old step son asked me yesterday how work was (I'd been temping a little). I told him I didn't need to go to work yesterday (there was no temp job to do). He asked me if I still had enough money. I told him yes, but was really surprised he asked. Today he asked if we had enough money for food. Now I'm freaking out. I jokingly asked him if he was hungry - was that why he asked. I don't know that anything has outwardly changed in the house that would cause him to worry or ask these questions. My husband and I are wondering if the EX (the kids mom) is feeding this to him or not. In the past, even as recent as last week, my husband has told him "we have all the money we need" - whenever he's wondered about things. I don't know what to think...oy.

monalisa

Oct. 21, 2008, 08:20 PM

It is not a terrible thing for a child to know that yes, sometimes the money does run out. I think we have all lived in a "perfect" world for so long that we have just forgotten that bad times are just a part of the cycle of life. There are lots of kids out there that need to realize that life is just one giant gravy train. Reality bites but it can be good medicine too.

I certainly appreciate the good times a lot more when I remember the tough ones.

cranky

Oct. 21, 2008, 09:19 PM

If your step-daughter decides to go the babysitting route, she should post a flyer for her services at the barn. I'll bet there are plenty of adult women with children who ride who would love to hire a horsey girl associated with the barn to baby sit while they ride or whatever. They probably would assume she's working for money for riding and would be all the more willing to help.

Alagirl

Oct. 21, 2008, 10:13 PM

Pokey, kids pick up on those things. They are smart and intuative. And when there is an ex in the picture....no telling. just be honest about it and explain.

And best of luck with the job hunt!

J-Lu

Oct. 21, 2008, 11:03 PM

Hi Pokey,

It sounds like you WILL get through just fine. It's a bad time for sooo sooo sooooooo many people. You are not alone. In the future, you will look back on these days and they'll just be a blip in the road. Don't feel too much guilt or feel down.

I agree with most of the posters - you daughter has to want it. I know you promissed lessons, but financial changes chage the situation. You don't OWE her and she should understand that things happen in life and that priorities change.

Let me tell you a story about horses and family... Probably irrelevant but...:) When I was 13, I rode a stallion. I never took a lesson at this point but I rode out on the trails, galloped in the fields and jumped fences (no helmet and in jeans and shoes... no one knew better). He was a good guy! But I digress... I cleaned stalls at this barn for every hour of riding I got. They ripped me off a bit ('nother story) but I was happy to clean stalls after school and build hours to ride this horse. I wanted it. (first part of story). I, being 13, did a stupid maneuver with this stallion on the ground and got hurt. I fell, he stepped on my hand. I broke my hand and forever squished the nail on my pinky finger. In the hospital, the barn owner came to visit me and asked my mom if she would sue for medical expenses (they didn't have much money - hence the 13 year old barn help). My mom said "no, she really wanted to do this so we take responsibility for this decision". I've forever remembered this. Your daughter will understand about things and you can teach her about financial responsibility at the same time. (second part of story) And if she wants it, she'll go for it. Part three... For two decades of my life, I rode other peoples' horses. I mucked stalls, house-sat, hauled horses (learned how to haul horses), farm-sat, etc. There are ALWAYS people who want someone to ride their horses- even just to have someone regularly groom and piddle around on a horse. I didn't have lessons until I was 15 but I already could stick on a horse...maybe that's why I started my formal riding and showing doing junior jumpers on hotheads??? Right now, two friends of mine let a 15 year old girl excercise their arabians. If your daughter wants to ride...for free or in exchange for chores, babysitting, dogsitting, etc., there are many opportunities out there for her. I found these opportunities by going up to barns, through friends, and approaching people who had horses but didn't ride them.

Good luck! And Hang in there!!!!!!!
J.

eventchic33

Oct. 22, 2008, 07:41 AM

I know how it feels to have a child who won't express what she wants. My son loves to ride when I make him. But to tell me he wants to?? NO WAY!!!! It's hard as I feel that if he wants to he needs to tell me and I think he feels that it's "our thing" and I should ask him too. Its a little simpler with me as I have 3 in my back yard and he can go saddle a pony any time he wants he just won't unless I tell him to.

Anyway my point is that your SD may feel that this is your connection with her and that you now don't want that connection. Especially with an ex whispering in her ear.

Look for the backyard barns, private places or of all things look in the yellow pages for pony rides. Lord knows those poor critters could use a kind hand and a warm heart. And the owners are usually cheap enough to want free labor.

gieriscm

Oct. 22, 2008, 09:56 AM

Thinking back to when I was 13... I half-leased a horse, rode him in lessons, and paid for it all myself out of my babysitting/lawnmowing/snow shoveling/pet sitting money. Oh, and I had to maintain at least a 3.5 GPA as well. It can be done, especially if you and your daughter are creative.

If your step-daughter decides to go the babysitting route, she should post a flyer for her services at the barn. I'll bet there are plenty of adult women with children who ride who would love to hire a horsey girl associated with the barn to baby sit while they ride or whatever. They probably would assume she's working for money for riding and would be all the more willing to help.

I would love to have someone like this at my barn! Heck, I'd pick up the babysitter and take her to the barn with me, and give her a free ride on my horse once I was done.

4 Legs

Oct. 22, 2008, 10:11 AM

How old is your daughter? Is the able to comprehend the financial situation of your family, or is she too young. That would make a difference with how I dealt with this issue...

Exactly.

being that she is 13, there is the possibility of moving to another barn where she can help in exchange for lessons.

It's unfortunate, but please don't beat yourself up, OP. This are tough times. And sadly, kids often have to learn that it's just not possible for their family to support this crazy expensive hobby. I learned that at a young age, but I did eventually come back into riding once I could support it myself. It sounds like you are parenting her very well , I liked the idea about having her grocery shop and prepare a meal. Too many kids are shielded from reality and this will make it difficult as they grow up and have to manage money themselves.

Pokey

Oct. 22, 2008, 01:35 PM

Anyway my point is that your SD may feel that this is your connection with her and that you now don't want that connection. Especially with an ex whispering in her ear.

This comment stood out to me...and was a cause for pause. It's a valid point. Concerning too. BUT - I think that volunteering (together) would make it clear that it's still "our thing". So even if she doesn't end up riding for a little while longer, we can still go be horsey together.

My husband and I were talking with SD last night, and brought up her earning capacity by babysitting. I offered to make her business cards, and we suggested marketing opportunities for her - both from our house and her mom's.

Met with total ambivalence. Which is when strangling a 13 year old girl should be made perfectly legal :)

But the conversation was not in the context of horses. What we've done is plant the seed of what she's capable of. We're trying to not do it for her - but trying to get her to use her own (know-it-all) teenage brain and figure it out. We've told her how, told her we'd help...all she has to do is ask.

Now, we'll see what happens when the report card comes, and see if she has any thoughts on the matter. And, the big question, if she asks to start riding again.

StruckByLightning

Oct. 22, 2008, 01:45 PM

Maybe try to come up with other suggestions than babysitting? As much as I love horses, at ANY age babysitting to me was the equivilant of having my fingernails sloowwwllyy pulled out while someone else dragged theirs across a chalkboard. :lol: Yeah, not a kid person so much even when I was one. Now, hauling buckets of water, mucking stalls, etc in 40 below to earn unlimited riding time on the owner's horses in the summer months? THAT was my idea of the perfect job! I also worked for a florist and at a couple convenience stores (though now I think you have to be 18 for the convenience stores). But there's always paper routes, cleaning tack, dog walking (my friend's kid makes a FORTUNE pet sitting...more than triple what she used to get paid to babysit), yard work, etc. And a lot of schools actually have programs where the kids work at local businesses & grants pay for it (since the business can't legally hire them at that age). Mostly high schools, but she's not that far away from it.

And do keep your eyes/ears open for someone looking for someone to exercise their horses (for yourself even if not your daughter). I have GOT to find someone to spend some time with my mares and I know there's a lot of people like me out there.

Pokey

Oct. 22, 2008, 01:56 PM

struck - all good ideas. I don't know if she likes babysitting or not. I think it depends on the kid. I, for one, despise it - "retired" from it when I was 14. She loves animals - cats and dogs equally, so pet sitting/dog walking may be right up her alley. Maybe her business card needs to say, "will babysit/house sit all creatures great and small, furry and not"!

Heck. Maybe I need to go be a dog walker...

Alagirl

Oct. 22, 2008, 02:13 PM

JWB

Oct. 22, 2008, 02:16 PM

Re-examine the half lease route. There are lots of them out there if you look around hard enough. Don't assume that just becase one was horrid, they all will be.

I'm in FL so I can't speak for your area but have known tons of people to go out looking for a half lease on their horses. Look beyond the big barns too... Some times it takes a bit of digging. (Check the services/leases available on horsetopia.com and equine.com)

My father lost his job when I was 13 and the money just wasn't there for lessons but 1. my riding instructor let me have lessons in exchange for mowing her lawn - she had barn help already. 2. A lady at our church went on a trip and I kept her horse in shape while she was gone... When she came back, she let me keep on riding him, and eventually started boarding him at my instructors barn so I could show on him... But I really wanted to be on a horse. I was a lazy pre-teen, one of the original test children for Ritalin, and not always super motivated - but the horse thing motivated me.

You're right on target about your "contract" though... whether it's a reward or a consequence, if you promise it, you really need to follow through.