I have a dilema

[Daatje]

I don't know what to do. :(

I love my current horse. I've had her since she was 6 months old, she's now 7 years old. She is trained well in dressage and is getting scores in the mid 60's at 1st level, but she really does not like jumping at all. Especially cross country, where you have to go out alone in unknown territory. She tells me quite clearly that she'd really rather not. :no:

I love eventing. I haven't been able to event in 8 years. I miss it. I love galloping cross country and jumping in both phases is such a thrill.....

I can't have two horses. Not enough time or money.

What do I do? Do I sell my friend, my mare, to pursue a more willing partner? Do I give up my dreams of returning to eventing and accept what my mare is willing to give me?

I'm so torn. I know this is a decision only I can make, but I'm having a really, really hard time with it........

Has anyone else been in this position? What did you do, and were you happy with the decision that you made?

I'm way too attached to this horse......this decision should be factual and easy. I'm so hung up on it........it's driving me nuts.

[cloudyandcallie]

can you lease or 1/2 lease out your mare at your barn?or allow her to be used for lessons?
I don't sell my horses, so I know your problem. board/feed/hay all expensive.
or maybe you could exercise someone's eventer?
must be a solution besides selling her, I hope for your sake and peace of mind.

[Jazzy Lady]

Yes, I have been in this exact position.

I had an arab I bought as a 4 year old. Never wanted to do much except hack around and do the odd schooling show, but I moved him to a barn that did eventing and I fell in love. My horse did not. He LOVED dressage, showed off in the ring and was always in first after dressage. We often got eliminated or he ditched me jumping. I hit the dirt a lot with that horse, but hey, I was young and resilient so I didn't care.

I eventually got bored of entry level (bn) and wanted more. My horse couldn't do it, and didn't want to. So I made the choice to sell him and move on. I didn't want to do flat, and althought I was totally in love with the horse, I chose my dreams over his. So I sold him for next to nothing to a girl who fell hopelessly in love with him, still has him 6 years later and shows 4th level dressage with him. I know he's much happier there than with me, even though I loved him to bits. He'll even jump a fence here and there when she hacks him.

I have moved onto my second horse after him now without looking back. I miss the little booger, but he's so happy, and so am I. I know I made the right choice and both of us are better off now.

Go with your gut. You have 2 options. Keep the horse and do what the horse wants to do, or sell the horse and do what you want to do.

Nobody can make that decision but you. Good luck :)

[olympicprincess]

Well, I personally would sell her if she's not the partner for what I want to do.

Sounds like she's doing well in dressage, and she's still young, (and is sound and healthy?), so now is probably a good time to sell.

Your case is just another reason of why I won't buy/breed for my next horse. You never know what you're going to get.

[nrg]

I had a similar decision to make last year. I had a horse that I felt attached to and had some history with, but as time went on it became clear he did not want to event (or really jump at all, if he could help it). I, on the other hand, love eventing and have some pretty specific competitive goals. Like you, I agonized for a while, but in the end I decided that horses and eventing are expensive hobbies and are my way of having fun, so if I am not having the fun I want for the money and time I am investing, then something needs to change. It was a hard decision, but last I heard he was very happy with his new life being a trail horse/spoiled lawn ornament and I have been beyond happy with the mare I purchased as my eventer.

I've followed your struggles with this on another board, so I have a sense of how torn you feel, since you have such an emotional relationship with her. Good luck, it's a hard decision to make.

[Catalina]

I was in a very similar position last year. I bought a dressage horse who turned out to have a spectacular jump. He loved stadium and always did well in dressage but XC, on the other hand, was a different story. There was always one bogie jump that if I didn't ride aggressively enough to, he would just bounce off the side of. So I would go from the top of the leaderboard to the bottom. It was very frustrating, but I loved that horse and I loved how much progress we had made, but it was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.
I made the decision to sell him and it turned out for the best all around. He is now a happy foxhunter and I have a new horse that actually enjoys XC.

If eventing is what you really want to do then you will only be unhappy if you continue to follow that path with your mare. And remember, horses don't care who owns them as long as they have food, water and shelter.

[FolsomBlues]

I'm curious, what makes you think she doesn't like jumping?

My train of thought is, perhaps something is causing her pain and the jumping magnifies it so she stops at the fences or runs out because it hurts to jump. If that is the case, maybe see about getting her some chiropractic work or getting a saddle fitter to check your saddle? My guy began stopping at fences and after going through the chiro, saddle fitter, and an ulcer treatment regimen, he is back to happily jumping anything in front of him. Just a thought. I don't know your history so thought I would suggest it. Best of luck, I don't know what I would do in your position.

[Ajierene]

I got a 10 month old filly as a present. She was supposed to be 16HH and only grew to about 14.2HH. Great personality, would come when I called her, loved people.....but I had ended up with my mare also and while I wanted time for both, I just didn't have it. The filly, while great, just was not all that athletic.

I ended up leasing her to a girl for a year, then her parents bought her for a birthday present. The only thing that upset me about that decision was that, kids being kids, she got a bit older and lost interest.

Her parents did the right thing, in my book, and sold the horse. She ended up with a fieldmate and another horse from the barn at a backyard barn doing trail rides. She gets out and about, has company and enjoys herself.

The only thing that bothered me was that the first person sold her - always a fear with me and large ponies. Where she ended up is a forever home, so I am happy.

It is important that you are happy and your horse is happy. If your horse is not happy cross country jumping and you are not happy not cross country jumping, you need to find her someone that just wants to do dressage. She will be happy and you will be happy. I can understand the desire to keep your baby and fear of her going to a bad home. Leasing her out with an option to buy might be a good choice. You can see how interested a potential future owner is in riding and how well they mesh.

It is your decision in the end, of course.

[Daatje]

can you lease or 1/2 lease out your mare at your barn?or allow her to be used for lessons?
I don't sell my horses, so I know your problem. board/feed/hay all expensive.
or maybe you could exercise someone's eventer?
must be a solution besides selling her, I hope for your sake and peace of mind.

I've thought about that, but I don't really want to get involved with leasing. She lives at my parents house, my Dad would be concerned about liability, and there really isn't a great place to ride there. (I usually truck out to ride)

Thanks for the suggestion though!

[Daatje]

Your case is just another reason of why I won't buy/breed for my next horse. You never know what you're going to get.

Yes, and as much as I love raising the babies, it is such a gamble that you'll end up with what you need! My next horse is going to be at least started under saddle, so I have an idea of what they are like before I invest the time money and emotions.....

[Milocalwinnings]

I've thought about that, but I don't really want to get involved with leasing. She lives at my parents house, my Dad would be concerned about liability, and there really isn't a great place to ride there. (I usually truck out to ride)

Thanks for the suggestion though!


Well what about the flip side, and lease or half lease someone elses horse? Maybe someone who doesn't have time to ride for whatever reason? A half lease would be cheaper than owning a second horse- and with a half lease you generally have 3 days a week to ride- so you could ride your mare on another day.

Just a thought that might work if you really didn't want to sell your mare.

[scubed]

you could also let someone elsewhere lease your mare (take her to their barn) who wants to only do dressage. They would pay all of her expenses and ride her, but would have to send you periodic updates, allow you to check on her. If it is a barn with a reputable trainer and a good rep (which you can ask people about on these boards), your mare should be safe and happy and you would have the time and resources freed up for a horse that loves eventing as much as you do. The mare might also be happier

[Daatje]

I'm curious, what makes you think she doesn't like jumping?

My train of thought is, perhaps something is causing her pain and the jumping magnifies it so she stops at the fences or runs out because it hurts to jump. If that is the case, maybe see about getting her some chiropractic work or getting a saddle fitter to check your saddle? My guy began stopping at fences and after going through the chiro, saddle fitter, and an ulcer treatment regimen, he is back to happily jumping anything in front of him. Just a thought. I don't know your history so thought I would suggest it. Best of luck, I don't know what I would do in your position.


Well, I guess you'd have to ride it, to best experience how she is like, but I don't believe it is a physical issue. It's not necessarily the jumping that is the problem. She'll jump up to 3'6"......if she's headed in a direction she wants to go and the jump happens to be in her way.

If she's going away from her comfort zone, she just shuts down. Stops completely. Not necessarily at a fence, mind you. Once that mare decides she's doesn't want to do something, all the aids God gave me are not making her do it. The last course we tried to ride, she was balking coming out of the start box! We got to fence 9, and she shut down completely well before the approach to the jump.

Here's where I think attitude comes into play, and why I believe she doesn't like being out on course. When I turned her around to go back up the hill to where the trailers are parked, she bolted like a bat out of hell. I've never galloped on this mare that fast! If any of the fences on our course were in her way up that hill, she would have jumped ALL of them. (sigh)

She didn't want to be out there, and I really can't force her to like it. She's a show ring horse at heart, with a show ring mentality. She doesn't like being out in the woods/fields by herself at all! :(

This is why I feel she needs to be with a show ring rider. I can't stand the "A" shows, going around in circles with 20 other horses, but she loves it! And has done very well in the past.

Thanks for the suggestions! Not knowing her history, I can definitely see where that could be thought of as a possibility, but I really think it's a mental issue.

[LSM1212]

I agree with what others have said. And I'm sure you'll think long and hard about it. But you need to follow your heart.

I went through something like this when my horse was injured. And we weren't sure if he would ever come back. He is a Hunter and that's all he's known. And I couldn't afford to get another horse while he was laid up nor if I was going to have to retire him (I don't have property so was checking out facilities). 1/2 leasing might have been an option for me so I could at least keep riding but more likely, just taking lessons on schoolies.

So as I was re-habbing him back, I thought long and hard... will he ever be "up to it" again? Will he be able to jump? I personally decided that I didn't care what we did... just as long as he was serviceably sound so I could enjoy him. But I've never had "high" expectations when it comes to disciplines or riding... I just like to have fun. I had spent so much time with him while he was laid up (for about a year) that the bond is strong. As my hubby said as I dicussed this at length with him... Stitch is family.

So I stuck with him and we've had our ups and downs during the "bring him back" phase. But currently, he's doing very well. And can jump again. And that's his favorite actually. He's not big on flat work. :D

We've hit a few more bumps in the road and I decided to try some Eventing with him. We were both getting "sour". HE LOVES IT!!! Well, the XC and SJ part... the Dressage, not so much. :lol: It's hard to keep him in a ring anymore. He wants to be out in the fields. So we are giving that a go... never thought I'd do Eventing as I'm a weenie adult re-rider. We will still do and have done some Hunter shows and such.

But for right now? We are just enjoying our time together.

Now OP, this doesn't pertain to you but a short little story: At my old barn, there was a teenage girl. She was watching me brush and love on Stitch. We were on month 3 or so of his lay-up, IIRC. She just shook her head and said, "Why do you keep him? If I had a horse I couldn't ride, I'd get rid of him and get one I could ride". :sigh: So I tried to explain to her that to me, having a horse isn't just about riding. It's about building a relationship/partnership and being a "horsewoman". And just because he's hurt now, doesn't mean he can't come back and be fine. She shrugged her shoulders and said, "Well, if it was me, I'd have gotten rid of him". :eek:

Again, this doesn't reflect on you... I know you care about this horse and want to do what is best for you and your horse. But sometimes other people, just don't care and can toss a horse aside just because.

My heart goes out to you. This is such a hard decision. :no:

[Shirland Farm]

You are in a very tough situation and one I would not want to be in at all. I'm sorry :( But you are right, this decision is up to you.

Now, I'll share a story.

Over the 4th of July weekend I went home to the family farm and did some riding. I have a very special connection with some of my horses that has come as a result that I've had them over 15+ years. One of them is named Buckley and he is just about 20. I was trying to explain, unsuccessfully, to my fiance what is like to ride the same horse for 15 years and how lucky I felt that my horse (Buckley in this instance) is still sound (and wild) and how I feel a lot people miss out on this experience by selling their horses down the road. Its been an amazing experience working with him for the past 15 years (although back then I would have told you I couldn't stand him and more or less refused to ride him...lol) and he, and the others, are truly like family.

I know circumstances don't allow for many people to keep their horses throughout their lives. But I'll tell you, there is nothing like watching your old friend out in the field grazing or taking him for a little hack or knowing that the horse that made you so happy is living a happy life in old age. (ugh, I'm not usually this mushy).

[Bamgone]

Yes, and as much as I love raising the babies, it is such a gamble that you'll end up with what you need! My next horse is going to be at least started under saddle, so I have an idea of what they are like before I invest the time money and emotions.....

I love the babies too, but I agree it is a gamble and only worth taken if you can afford the time and money and emotions.

My next horse will be already started under saddle, because while I have bought an unstarted youngster and it turned out great, I realize I got lucky and who knows if lighting will strike twice?

And some horses simply don't like to jump.

I think it's a very tough decision and only you can decide what is the best choice of action. However, if my heart was really set on an activity my horse either could not or would not be able to participate in, and I was unable to have another horse or lease out the other one, then I think selling is the best choice for both horse and owner.

Good luck!

[Daatje]

You are in a very tough situation and one I would not want to be in at all. I'm sorry :( But you are right, this decision is up to you.

Now, I'll share a story.

Over the 4th of July weekend I went home to the family farm and did some riding. I have a very special connection with some of my horses that has come as a result that I've had them over 15+ years. One of them is named Buckley and he is just about 20. I was trying to explain, unsuccessfully, to my fiance what is like to ride the same horse for 15 years and how lucky I felt that my horse (Buckley in this instance) is still sound (and wild) and how I feel a lot people miss out on this experience by selling their horses down the road. Its been an amazing experience working with him for the past 15 years (although back then I would have told you I couldn't stand him and more or less refused to ride him...lol) and he, and the others, are truly like family.

I know circumstances don't allow for many people to keep their horses throughout their lives. But I'll tell you, there is nothing like watching your old friend out in the field grazing or taking him for a little hack or knowing that the horse that made you so happy is living a happy life in old age. (ugh, I'm not usually this mushy).

You're family farm is lovely!!! I don't have anything like that.......southern NH is quite the suburb these days. :(

I understand the value of owning the same horse for so many years. My mother's horse, Rainbow, is 15 years old this year. We've had her since she was just 4 months old. She LOVES her job, has a great work ethic, is bold, brave, confident, willing, athletic......everything I want in a horse! She can jump 3'6" like it wasn't even there, pull a carriage on a 10 mile drive and be ready for more when the day is done.......

Why don't I just ride her, you ask? Ah, my life long regret is that she's only 35" tall!!! (yes, a mini :) ) Dear Rainbow, why could you not have been 16 hands? :)

Rainbow
http://www.freewebs.com/daatje2008/IMG_0788sm.JPG

So, I want to make sure my next horse is the right one, because I plan on keeping him for his entire life........

[GB Trail Rider]

If you want to event then go get an eventing horse and sell your current one. I have bought horses than I got attached to over the years but if they didn't do want I wanted them to do they were sold. Remember YOU come first.

[Shirland Farm]

Thanks Daatje! And your mini is just adorable.

And believe it or not, I still I have my first pony. I got him when I was 9 and we were told he was 15. And now that I'm 28 it would put him at 35 (although our vet suspects he may be even older than that).

At any rate, there were definitely times when I was frustrated with all of them and wanted to trade them in , but now I am so glad that my parents knew all along what it took me a while to learn on my own, that these animals are family (and according to my parents, never sold).

That being said, I definitely do understand people that have goals competition wise and who cannot afford multiple horses. My heart goes out to the op (EDIT... opps, that would be you! Sorry)

[trubandloki]

Since you seem to have this same question every year, some times more than once per year, I vote the decision you have made time and time again (to keep your mare) is not making you happy.

With that said, if you are not wanting to lease her out in some way to someone who wants to do with her what she likes doing then the only other option is to sell her and move on by buying a new horse that does want to do the sport you want to do.

If you are looking for us to tell you it is OK to sell a horse to buy one that wants to do what you want to do then as you can see, you have been told it is AOK.

[Bogie]

Have you considered foxhunting?

Then you could have the fun of cross country and your mare would never be alone!

Seriously, when you have a horse that doesn't want to do a particular job you have to choose between 1) selling the horse to someone who appreciates its talents or 2) finding a job that you and the horse both like.

I have a Trakehner gelding that I've owned for 12 years. This horse does NOT like to wear a bit. Believe me, I tried everything from medical reviews, teeth to training. Put a bit in his mouth and he focuses on that. Did not make him a good candidate for eventing as he will always be marked down for resistance in dressage. He also responded very poorly to collection. It wasn't hard for him physically, but mentally it made him feel trapped and he would periodically just explode.

I had two dressage trainers who both gave me the above advice. They told me point blank that this horse would never go beyond second level and if I wanted to, I should sell him.

I love this horse. He has many good qualities. I took him foxhunting and we were both hooked. I foxhunt bitless so we are both happy. I still school him in dressage, but we no longer compete. I'm really happy I didn't sell him because he is so much fun.

I did have one horse before him who had topped out. He was an older horse and he wasn't physcially able to do what I wanted any more. I retired him and he lives a great life as a trail horse.

[arabhorse2]

I don't know how many BBs you need to post this on, Daatje.

You've been told time and again if you're not happy with your mare's abilities, that's it's perfectly okay to sell her to someone else.

Either take the advice you've been given, which has been the same on every BB, or quit whining about it and learn to be happy riding within the constraints of your mare's abilities.

[bip]

Daatje, you have all those nice pictures of you two schooling xcty and she looked great this weekend. Why are you having angst?

[LSM1212]

Daatje, you have all those nice pictures of you two schooling xcty and she looked great this weekend. Why are you having angst?

I was actually thinking this after I posted and thought this was the same poster. So besides what you've described... is she okay with a group? I agree w/ Foxhunting if she doesn't like to do XC alone.

Or how about CT's???? You can still jump but in a ring.

[Daatje]

Since you seem to have this same question every year, some times more than once per year, I vote the decision you have made time and time again (to keep your mare) is not making you happy.

With that said, if you are not wanting to lease her out in some way to someone who wants to do with her what she likes doing then the only other option is to sell her and move on by buying a new horse that does want to do the sport you want to do.

If you are looking for us to tell you it is OK to sell a horse to buy one that wants to do what you want to do then as you can see, you have been told it is AOK.


It is true, I have gone through these feelings with Daatje for the past 4 years now. In the beginning, it was because of training issues, which thankfully we worked through, and I didn't give up!

This time it is different. I was holding out, that there was some thread of hope that she would learn to like to run cross country, and gain in bravery and a desire for adventure. But the recent experience at Green Acres has plucked that last thread of hope, and now I know for certain that she will never like my sport. This make me incredibly sad because I love this horse.

I know it's ok to sell her and get another........I was just wondering if anyone had ever been in this situation, and how they dealt with their feelings and emotions in the transition from one horse to the next........

......I've sold many horses since my first pony 19 years ago. I never had these feelings with any of them.....

Perhaps it is because I can't see past Daatje as my little orphan filly; I still see her as the little 28 day old baby that I raised, and had all the hope in the world for......

I just wanted to hear others stories, if they had any to share....

[trubandloki]

If you keep your horses at home (well your parent's home) then why is just getting another one to do what you want not an option?

[Daatje]

I don't know how many BBs you need to post this on, Daatje.

You've been told time and again if you're not happy with your mare's abilities, that's it's perfectly okay to sell her to someone else.

Either take the advice you've been given, which has been the same on every BB, or quit whining about it and learn to be happy riding within the constraints of your mare's abilities.

You know, I don't see why you need to be nasty with me. I was not looking for "permission" to sell my horse. I was only interested in hearing other peoples experiences with similar situations.

Not all people hang out on the same BB's. I thought maybe I could get different folks with different experiences here.

Oh, and FYI, I can't get on EC at work anymore, but I can get on here, so hence the posting here.

I don't take kindly to snarkiness when it totally isn't waranted. I'm hurting here, not whining, so if you don't have any similar stories to share with me, take a hike.

[Daatje]

Daatje, you have all those nice pictures of you two schooling xcty and she looked great this weekend. Why are you having angst?

The pictures look nice, but it was not fun. She's totally not into it at all. Did you watch her go this weekend? Um, not great. :(

[minniemoore]

I know where you're coming from. I got a horse as a weanling and trained him up until he was a 4-year-old. Since I've never had kids of my own, it was like having my own. When he was 3 it was clear he could never be an eventer. At 4 I gave him to a really nice woman as a trail horse, and he is loved and very happy. I got an eventing schoolmaster and 7 years later it is the best decision I've ever made. I've had so much fun eventing, and have learned so much from my schoolmaster that I'm so happy I gave Montana away. I was grieving for 6 months after I gave him to his new home, but he is so happy, and I am so happy now.

You do this sport for fun, you should have a horse that you can enjoy. Your horse should also have a life that they can enjoy as well.

[Daatje]

I was actually thinking this after I posted and thought this was the same poster. So besides what you've described... is she okay with a group? I agree w/ Foxhunting if she doesn't like to do XC alone.

Or how about CT's???? You can still jump but in a ring.

Yeah, she's ok with a group. I had considered foxhunting and we'll try it if she hasn't sold by the time cubbing starts.

[Daatje]

If you keep your horses at home (well your parent's home) then why is just getting another one to do what you want not an option?

They only have 1.25 acres. With one horse a two miniature horses living on the property, it's maxed out.

[Daatje]

I know where you're coming from. I got a horse as a weanling and trained him up until he was a 4-year-old. Since I've never had kids of my own, it was like having my own. When he was 3 it was clear he could never be an eventer. At 4 I gave him to a really nice woman as a trail horse, and he is loved and very happy. I got an eventing schoolmaster and 7 years later it is the best decision I've ever made. I've had so much fun eventing, and have learned so much from my schoolmaster that I'm so happy I gave Montana away. I was grieving for 6 months after I gave him to his new home, but he is so happy, and I am so happy now.

You do this sport for fun, you should have a horse that you can enjoy. Your horse should also have a life that they can enjoy as well.

Thank-you so much for sharing your experience with me. I really appreciate it, and all who have shared similar experiences.

[trubandloki]

I think everyone goes thru this at some point in their lives. I had to sell more than one horse because it could not do what I wanted to do. Was it hard? Sure. Very hard. You mourn them leaving.

But really this is only a decision you can make. Either you want to do what you want to do or you want to do something that you can do with this horse.

[bip]

The pictures look nice, but it was not fun. She's totally not into it at all. Did you watch her go this weekend? Um, not great. :(

I only saw your stadium, she looked like a trooper. I think when you were on xcty I was busy trying not to have nerves-induced narcolepsy. Maybe my show nerves were so bad, I telescoped them even beyond my horse onto other horses too?

I guess if it isn't fun, it isn't fun. It just seemed like you have fun at clinics, maybe she needs to do a few more competitions before she decides she likes it?

[Speedy]

I've been there. Spellbound really didn't enjoy the job. She did the job, but she wasn't in the game mentally and we just never overcame that. She did so well in dressage, though, that I kept her on as a dressage horse. She loves her job now and that's really evident in how much she tries for me. Keeping Spell meant that I wasn't going to jump at all anymore, as I couldn't buy or keep another horse at the time for a variety of reasons. I kept her anyway, because, for me, our bond was stronger than my interest in eventing. I may have felt differently about it if I was an up and comer or something like that, but I'll always be an adult amateur, so I didn't think putting competition goals ahead of her well being was fair considering how much we'd been through together. I eventually ended up getting a second horse - one that loves eventing more than anything! - but that was completely unexpected - just one of those things, the right horse, at the right time and place. So you never know - when I retired Spell from eventing, I thought that was it for me, but now here I am with the baby eventing again.

You never know how things will work out. My best advice is to go with your gut and do what you think is right for your horse. Pay it forward.

[Daatje]

I think everyone goes thru this at some point in their lives. I had to sell more than one horse because it could not do what I wanted to do. Was it hard? Sure. Very hard. You mourn them leaving.

But really this is only a decision you can make. Either you want to do what you want to do or you want to do something that you can do with this horse.

(sigh)

I KNOW it is only a decision I can make. (I believe that was a statement in my original post) I wasn't asking for help making my mind up.

I WAS asking for input from folks that have been through this before. I was interested in hearing how they dealt with their emotions, and whether or not they were happy with their decision.

Why are some of you assuming that I was looking for some kind of ultimatum? :confused:

[Daatje]

I only saw your stadium, she looked like a trooper. I think when you were on xcty I was busy trying not to have nerves-induced narcolepsy. Maybe my show nerves were so bad, I telescoped them even beyond my horse onto other horses too?

I guess if it isn't fun, it isn't fun. It just seemed like you have fun at clinics, maybe she needs to do a few more competitions before she decides she likes it?

Hmmm, we didn't do stadium. I retired on cross country and called it quits for the day. You must have seen Brego, the big percheron. He IS a trooper. I love that guy! :) But nope, it wasn't us. :)

[trubandloki]

I WAS asking for input from folks that have been through this before. I was interested in hearing how they dealt with their emotions, and whether or not they were happy with their decision.


I believe I answered your question on emotions and dealing with it, you seemed to have ignored that part of the post. Let me say it again, you mourn them when they leave. Kind of the same way you would mourn them if you had to put them down. It is heart breaking but you move on. You learn to love the new horse and enjoy life.

(sigh)

I KNOW it is only a decision I can make. (I believe that was a statement in my original post) I wasn't asking for help making my mind up.

......

Why are some of you assuming that I was looking for some kind of ultimatum? :confused:

I think some of us have seen this exact same post from you so many times that the only way we can look at it is as you looking for someone to tell you something that you keep not hearing. We give answers and you seem to ignore them and ask again, hoping to get another answer or something, I am not sure.

[Just Wondering]

This time it is different. I was holding out, that there was some thread of hope that she would learn to like to run cross country, and gain in bravery and a desire for adventure. But the recent experience at Green Acres has plucked that last thread of hope, and now I know for certain that she will never like my sport. This make me incredibly sad because I love this horse.

I know it's ok to sell her and get another........I was just wondering if anyone had ever been in this situation, and how they dealt with their feelings and emotions in the transition from one horse to the next........


No one else can feel your heart for you. YOU need to decide for yourself.

It seems like you keep posting looking for the magic key. It's not here. No matter what anyone TELLS you they went through or did - they are not in your shoes.

[Daatje]

I think some of us have seen this exact same post from you so many times that the only way we can look at it is as you looking for someone to tell you something that you keep not hearing. We give answers and you seem to ignore them and ask again, hoping to get another answer or something, I am not sure.

But if you really read through my original post, you would have seen that I was not looking for the usual "should I keep her, should I sell her" opinions. I know I have two options, and, I'll say it again....

..I was looking to hear from people with similar experiences.

If you and Arabhorse are so sick of Daatje and I, why don't you just skip on by this post and let those who have stories to share, share them with me.

[Daatje]

No one else can feel your heart for you. YOU need to decide for yourself.

It seems like you keep posting looking for the magic key. It's not here. No matter what anyone TELLS you they went through or did - they are not in your shoes.


I am getting tired of repeating myself, but I'll do it again.

I'm not asking for help in deciding what to do!!!!

I'm only curious to hear what others have done. What I hear will have no impact on my decision whatsoever, but it might make me feel better that others have encountered the same experience.

I'm not looking for an answer, a key, a magic anything. For cripes sake, I was just interested in hearing others stories for what they were, OTHERS STORIES.

I'm tired and I have a long ride home. To those who shared, thank-you so much. To those who didn't get it. Whatever.

[bip]

Hmmm, we didn't do stadium. I retired on cross country and called it quits for the day. You must have seen Brego, the big percheron. He IS a trooper. I love that guy! :) But nope, it wasn't us. :)

Oh! I saw the BIG percheron on xcty. I saw a smaller but still big black horse do stadium. See, now if I had introduced myself instead of ASSUMING I wouldn't have this prob would I :winkgrin:

[Daatje]

Oh! I saw the BIG percheron on xcty. I saw a smaller but still big black horse do stadium. See, now if I had introduced myself instead of ASSUMING I wouldn't have this prob would I :winkgrin:

Eh, that's ok! :) I was just confused as to why you thought we did well, when we really didn't to much of anything at all. :D

[Just Wondering]

I am getting tired of repeating myself, but I'll do it again.

I'm not asking for help in deciding what to do!!!!

I'm only curious to hear what others have done. What I hear will have no impact on my decision whatsoever, but it might make me feel better that others have encountered the same experience.

I'm not looking for an answer, a key, a magic anything. For cripes sake, I was just interested in hearing others stories for what they were, OTHERS STORIES.

I'm tired and I have a long ride home. To those who shared, thank-you so much. To those who didn't get it. Whatever.

BUT THE STORIES FROM OTHERS DO NOT MATTER! No one can feel what you do.

For every person that says they sold the horse to follow their dream, there will be another that says they kept their horse and changed the course of action.

MY story - I lost my horse. No choice - had to be put down. I did try two different horses to continue the sport. It just was not the same to me. I changed events and now very much enjoy with my goals.

[arabhorse2]

Fine, you want anecdotes? I have one.

I used to show. Conny HATED it. However, he adored trail riding. I switched disciplines, because I loved the horse too much to make him do something for which he wasn't suited. I never regretted the decision.

Daatje is a Friesian. She's not suited for eventing; she's suited for dressage or pulling carriages. If you want to event, you're going to have to either full lease her or sell her, since you say you can only afford one horse.

You keep saying it's your decision to make, and it is. But why the constant requests for what other people did? If they're not going to have any bearing on what you decide, then why ask at all?

[Jeannette, formerly ponygyrl]

Most of the horses my family has owned are buried on my parents' farm (the dead ones, anyway ;) ) We have not been so big on the selling horses end of the horse world.

I did have a mare a couple years ago who I orginally bought as a sale horse, but she pretty quickly turned into a personal competition horse, and looked like I would be able to compete up the levels on her.

After I broke my knee, she was absolutely the horse I trusted to do my rehab on, even, umm, a touch before the surgeon really wanted me riding again. When we headed back to competition, she pretty clearly told me she didn't really aspire to move up the levels anymore. I'm sure I could have worked with her and made it happen, but it seemed like she deserved to do something which was easier on her hocks and suited her better.

We were lucky to find a woman looking for a horse to love on and ride recreationally. Leased her for a couple months, then finalized the sale.

I was looking back at our results recently, and they weren't nearly as dismal as I remembered - but selling her opened up room in my life and barn for a new horse, and the one I got off the track has been an absolute joy to bring along. I'm still learning lots - but this guy is enjoying the process, rather than going along with it hesitantly. The mare I sold looked fat and happy when I looked in on her not too long ago, too!

[quietann]

Daatje,

Sorry I missed you at Green Acres, and especially sorry to hear that you had such a rough time with your girl. (As you may already know, Trumpie and I had a fabulous time; it was my first ever horse-trials and the old man took good care of me.)

I don't know what to say as far as making a decision. But I am facing similar issues with my little mare; she is super-talented but possibly too much horse for me. (which is to say, she has a Training level event horse in her, but I most definitely do not...) One of my good friends says that if I am really that attached to her, I need to ride the horse I have now, which is to say focus on the things we can do together for now -- mostly dressage, as she is relatively calm on the flat, but a scary (to timid me) hot little pistol over fences. My hope is that eventually I'll be comfortable enough with her to start jumping her again.

[wookiee]

I was at Green Acres (riding the percheron) and I saw the ride and talked with Daatje afterwards. We discussed all the possible reasons why she would have so much trouble over fences. The mare is sound, very good attention to saddle fit, she is conditioned well, schooled well. In fact, I've seen Daatje go around the Green Acres fields three times now. It seemed she got worse each time, as she knew what to expect.

It's hard to describe unless you've been there in person, but she just didn't like it. Being a "non-suitable" breed is only part of the issue because, come on, the jumps are tiny. The mare has jumped 3'6" with no effort. She just doesn't like it, it is her mind. She will jump a log and then refuse it the next pass, and then jump it fine again, there's no rhyme or reason.

The OP is a great rider, a great horsewoman, and this is a tough call. But horse relationships are like people relationships, sometimes the two partners just don't have the same goals.

Hang in there, your path will become very clear.

My story:
About two years ago, I tried to teach my Percheron to drive. He hated it, I was an idiot (20 years of riding experience does NOT qualify you to teach a horse to drive) and he had an accident. He was fine, everyone was fine, but he was scared. He was not the same horse. Even though I put the harness away for good, every little thing set him off, he would spook and bolt. He started scaring me, I couldn't ride. He hurt me, kicking me in the stomach. What good is a dangerous Percheron who won't drive? He was not the same horse, we were not on the same page.

I put him up for sale, found a good family for him, but for some reason the deal fell through. I went back to ground work and trail riding with him for a year and we slowly rebuilt. I changed disciplines, the horse will never be asked to drive again. He's now eventing. I am glad it worked out, he's a great love of my life.

But there was a year when we had a "separation" of minds. We just could not trust each other. It seems like the OP and Daatje are having a separation of minds, and as the activities go up, they go father apart.

On the flip side, my riding partner had a horse very much like Daatje, wildly talented (for her breed), gorgeous, but stubborn mare. She sold her and now has a plain TB and is much much much happier.

[Dreamspark]

Hang in there Daatje. You know the answer to your question and when you are ready, you will do what is right for you and your mare.

I too saw them go at Green Acres. I know the OP from our college riding days at UNH! :D

I changed my disciplne back in 2000 from eventing to carriage driving because my Morgan could no longer jump. It was a hard decision, not only to change my discipline but also to keep her. I knew I could never sell her...my first horse, in a bad situation when I bought her, etc etc. I willingly sacrificed my "happiness" and enjoyment of eventing.....but ended up LOVING CDEs nearly just as much! LOL!

And now, with my Morgan fully retired, I have lucked out that my new mare has become a solid event horse so far (at the tadpole level, but we are working on it!).

Now they are 26 and 17 years old respectively, and once in a while I wonder what might happen down the road if I ever want to move up.....but until that time I just keep working with my "younger" mare and settle for doing tadpole level. I am having fun and that is what matters.

But anyway.....I did not see you having fun this past weekend. :no: To me that is what it is all about. If having fun for you with your horse means eventing....then well there you go. Not that it is THAT easy....but still, sometimes you have to let go in order to be the most loving owner you can be.

I feel for you and know this is agonizing. But do what you heart tells you. You want your mare to be happy too so you will find a way to make that happen.

You know my email if you ever need to vent! :) :yes:

[scubed]

I did what I recommended. Although in my case, my guy was injured and I didn't feel it would be a great idea for him to try to do upper level eventing (above training level), so I leased him to someone in a different state. I hear about him every six months or so. They totally love him. He is a star, and other than popping an abcess once, he has been sound and looks, in the pics I get, very happy. I still own him, so have reasonable control over what happens to him and am comfortable with it. I now have a youngster that I am eventing at training level and hope to move up in the next year or two

[RugBug]

Hang in there Daatje. You know the answer to your question and when you are ready, you will do what is right for you and your mare.


Yep. Your head knows the answer...your heart just isn't ready to hear it yet. Once your heart is ready, you'll sell the horse and know it is the right decision even if it is terribly sad.

I'm not an eventer, but I've faced making that decision with my hunter. He's a gorgeous horse, nice mover, good jumper with tons of stride and scope...everything I've EVER wanted. He's also got the most incredible personality...such a sweet, sweet horse. I could groom him all day long and be happy.

BUT...he's a sensitive soul and can't deal with my competition nerves. I get wound up, he gets wound up. I've struggled with him for 3 years (I've owned him 5..the first two years were 'training' years.) and just recently listened to what my head was telling me...he needs to be with another type of rider. He's a different horse for a calm, confident rider...and no matter how much I want to be that rider...I'm not (especially with him after a serious injury). We do fine at home...but I LOVE to show. Theoretically we should be great together. But we're not and so he will be going to another home.

Once I embraced that decision, my whole outlook brightened. Why torture myself trying to make it work? My horse will find a home with someone else who will love him and who will enjoy all the great things about him. I will be incredibly sad (I get teary if I think about it too much), but we will both be better off.

One thing that really brought it home for me was thinking of our partnership like a relationship. He's a great guy, but we just don't get along well enough for long-term. I can't be the person he needs me to be...and he can't be the guy I need him to be. So...we break-up. Sadness ensues...but we move on. Such is life.

[trubandloki]

One thing that really brought it home for me was thinking of our partnership like a relationship. He's a great guy, but we just don't get along well enough for long-term. I can't be the person he needs me to be...and he can't be the guy I need him to be. So...we break-up. Sadness ensues...but we move on. Such is life.

Great way to put it RugBug! :yes:

[Daatje]

Yep. Your head knows the answer...your heart just isn't ready to hear it yet. Once your heart is ready, you'll sell the horse and know it is the right decision even if it is terribly sad.

I'm not an eventer, but I've faced making that decision with my hunter. He's a gorgeous horse, nice mover, good jumper with tons of stride and scope...everything I've EVER wanted. He's also got the most incredible personality...such a sweet, sweet horse. I could groom him all day long and be happy.

BUT...he's a sensitive soul and can't deal with my competition nerves. I get wound up, he gets wound up. I've struggled with him for 3 years (I've owned him 5..the first two years were 'training' years.) and just recently listened to what my head was telling me...he needs to be with another type of rider. He's a different horse for a calm, confident rider...and no matter how much I want to be that rider...I'm not (especially on him after a serious injury). We do fine at home...but I LOVE to show. Theoretically we should be great together. But we're not and so he will be going to another home.

Once I embraced that decision, my whole outlook brightened. Why toroture myself trying to make it work? My horse will find a home with someone else who will love him and who will enjoy all the great things about him. I will be incredibly sad (I get teary if I think about it too much), but we will both be better off.

One thing that really brought it home for me was thinking of our partnership like a relationship. He's a great guy, but we just don't get along well enough for long-term. I can't be the person he needs me to be...and he can't be the guy I need him to be. So...we break-up. Sadness ensues...but we move on. Such is life.

Rugbug, thank-you so much. This is exactly what has been going on with me! I must have THE most stubborn heart EVER! I've been battling with these feelings back and fourth for 4 years now......

I think the time has come, and it is sad......but when I peek beyond the sadness of her leaving, I see the excitement of searching for my next partner......and that *is* very exciting indeed.

[Daatje]

Hang in there Daatje. You know the answer to your question and when you are ready, you will do what is right for you and your mare.

I too saw them go at Green Acres. I know the OP from our college riding days at UNH! :D

I changed my disciplne back in 2000 from eventing to carriage driving because my Morgan could no longer jump. It was a hard decision, not only to change my discipline but also to keep her. I knew I could never sell her...my first horse, in a bad situation when I bought her, etc etc. I willingly sacrificed my "happiness" and enjoyment of eventing.....but ended up LOVING CDEs nearly just as much! LOL!

And now, with my Morgan fully retired, I have lucked out that my new mare has become a solid event horse so far (at the tadpole level, but we are working on it!).

Now they are 26 and 17 years old respectively, and once in a while I wonder what might happen down the road if I ever want to move up.....but until that time I just keep working with my "younger" mare and settle for doing tadpole level. I am having fun and that is what matters.

But anyway.....I did not see you having fun this past weekend. :no: To me that is what it is all about. If having fun for you with your horse means eventing....then well there you go. Not that it is THAT easy....but still, sometimes you have to let go in order to be the most loving owner you can be.

I feel for you and know this is agonizing. But do what you heart tells you. You want your mare to be happy too so you will find a way to make that happen.

You know my email if you ever need to vent! :) :yes:

Thanks Dreamspark! You and your lovely mare were wonderful Sunday! I tried to send you some pictures, but I don't think it worked (files too big). I'll try again tonight, and send them one at a time. :)

[Daatje]

I was at Green Acres (riding the percheron) and I saw the ride and talked with Daatje afterwards. We discussed all the possible reasons why she would have so much trouble over fences. The mare is sound, very good attention to saddle fit, she is conditioned well, schooled well. In fact, I've seen Daatje go around the Green Acres fields three times now. It seemed she got worse each time, as she knew what to expect.

It's hard to describe unless you've been there in person, but she just didn't like it. Being a "non-suitable" breed is only part of the issue because, come on, the jumps are tiny. The mare has jumped 3'6" with no effort. She just doesn't like it, it is her mind. She will jump a log and then refuse it the next pass, and then jump it fine again, there's no rhyme or reason.

The OP is a great rider, a great horsewoman, and this is a tough call. But horse relationships are like people relationships, sometimes the two partners just don't have the same goals.

Hang in there, your path will become very clear.

My story:
About two years ago, I tried to teach my Percheron to drive. He hated it, I was an idiot (20 years of riding experience does NOT qualify you to teach a horse to drive) and he had an accident. He was fine, everyone was fine, but he was scared. He was not the same horse. Even though I put the harness away for good, every little thing set him off, he would spook and bolt. He started scaring me, I couldn't ride. He hurt me, kicking me in the stomach. What good is a dangerous Percheron who won't drive? He was not the same horse, we were not on the same page.

I put him up for sale, found a good family for him, but for some reason the deal fell through. I went back to ground work and trail riding with him for a year and we slowly rebuilt. I changed disciplines, the horse will never be asked to drive again. He's now eventing. I am glad it worked out, he's a great love of my life.

But there was a year when we had a "separation" of minds. We just could not trust each other. It seems like the OP and Daatje are having a separation of minds, and as the activities go up, they go father apart.

On the flip side, my riding partner had a horse very much like Daatje, wildly talented (for her breed), gorgeous, but stubborn mare. She sold her and now has a plain TB and is much much much happier.

Hi Wookiee! Thanks for the reply! I had no idea you tried to drive the big guy and had such difficulty. You guys were just awesome Sunday! I couldn't believe how much of a machine he was cross country. :) Wish I could have watched your stadium round.......

....hey, I'll still go schooling with you guys.....if you want....or hunter paces, etc. Just let me know if you ever want company. :D

[RugBug]

I think the time has come, and it is sad......but when I peek beyond the sadness of her leaving, I see the excitement of searching for my next partner......and that *is* very exciting indeed.

I knew I had made the right decision because the second I made it I started looking for another horse AND was excited about all the possibilities. :D

[deltawave]

There are definitely horses that don't like or love jumping, especially XC.

They are NO FUN to event! :lol:

What you seem to be indicating, though, is that she is more opinionated than anything. She'll jump if it suits her. Not that she's scared or just a dirty rotten cheat. That suggests a training issue.

If you really are torn and want to have it both ways, maybe you should send the horse to a good eventing professional for a period of training. If the trainer has no problem with the horse and the horse goes well, more training might just make her into a happy, confident event horse for you. I'd invest that much before selling her, anyway. It can't hurt, and if the trainer said "yup, she really doesn't have what it takes to event" then you know.

I went through this with my current horse's mama. Never terribly brave XC, she was a great A/A jumper and always got great dressage scores. She decided, over the course of a year, that "not liking XC" had turned into "hating XC" and although I tried to rule out all the physical causes and sent her to a pro, it became evident that she just didn't want to. When she started shutting down over simple schooling jumps in the ring (she was always fine in that setting) I retired her from jumping. Never did find a reason, but neither of us was having any fun at that point.

The happy ending is, that the horse I bought to replace her was an eventing MACHINE who took my weenie, Novice butt all the way up to Prelim in a year and a half and gave me the best rides of my life. Eventing on a horse that WANTS to and LOVES to is like nothing else in the world. :yes:

[easyklc]

I was in the same boat as you this spring. I have a lovely draft cross mare that I am so in love with. But, she can be hard to ride and is strong (and lazy at times). I listed her for sale, did some soul searching and decided to keep her afterall. I was convinced she wasn't too crazy about the training routine and jumping, but what I learned is my approach was wrong, and I was letting outside influences cloud my thinking. It became clear that this was a decision I needed to make for myself, not someone else.

You posted photos of you jumping her right? The lovely Friesian? She looks pretty game to me, but how long have you been jumping her? If she is green to jumping I suggest you back off a bit and work on her confidence. Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't you post photos of her doing some pretty formidable logs on a first outing? If so that can rattle a young horse pretty good. You may need to take it a bit slower with her. These bigger breeds IME need training "explained." Think giant pony! :winkgrin:
With mine it was all about starting slowly, repetition, repetition, repetition. When mine gets opinionated or acts silly around a bigger jump then I go right back to ground poles, cross rails then slowly build back up. Sometimes for weeks. All of this back and forth has made her more confident and trusting of me. Maybe you've already done this? Either way I wish you the best. It is always so difficult and painful to sell a horse you love and have raised. But if she truly isn't enjoying her job, then your safety is in jeopardy.

I really feel for you having been where you are right now. I am surrounded by eventers who all ride TB's. So many of my friends, trainers, etc. had been harping on me to consider a different horse. Now they understand my connection to my mare and are seeing the difference in us together. I am now also riding with a trainer who owns draft crosses too, and really understands their mindset.

Hang in there!

[goeslikestink]

I don't know what to do. :(

I love my current horse. I've had her since she was 6 months old, she's now 7 years old. She is trained well in dressage and is getting scores in the mid 60's at 1st level, but she really does not like jumping at all. Especially cross country, where you have to go out alone in unknown territory. She tells me quite clearly that she'd really rather not. :no:

I love eventing. I haven't been able to event in 8 years. I miss it. I love galloping cross country and jumping in both phases is such a thrill.....

I can't have two horses. Not enough time or money.

What do I do? Do I sell my friend, my mare, to pursue a more willing partner? Do I give up my dreams of returning to eventing and accept what my mare is willing to give me?

I'm so torn. I know this is a decision only I can make, but I'm having a really, really hard time with it........

Has anyone else been in this position? What did you do, and were you happy with the decision that you made?

I'm way too attached to this horse......this decision should be factual and easy. I'm so hung up on it........it's driving me nuts.










what i would do - is to stop pressurising yourself which influnces her way of going

would hack her out and let her be a horse of enjoyment for a while to take that pressure of
then whilse hacking out i would go somewhere wheres theres a few jumps in the woods and pop her over them this would educate you and the horse in more relaxed space

you will be surprize of what your horse can achieve if you take the pressure of yourself
relax more then the horse wont be so upset as she picks up your vibes
now think-- most people jump up to 3ft 9 then stop as they havent the confidence to go over 3ft 9 or dont think the horse can,, they do and can its in your mind so
change your mind as to what you thinking she cant do -------- its you lacking confindence over a certain heght not the horse

when my debs was a young as in like 7 she rode raspberry and was starting to jump
she got on well but thought the pony couldnt go over 3ft as shes 11.2hh and we to had her from 2yrs old, this stopped debs from trying , in her mind the pony couldnt do it

so -- i got the lunge line out tacked the pony up--- put out a jump of 3ft and lunged over the jump------- in front of debs
i said kido dont tell me she cant do it --- after that there was no stopping debs with her pony and she won all the events in her pony club activites from 1 day to 2 day eventing
to tri thethlons, hunter trials, x/c and showing and dressage and to top it was a prince phillip the cup games pony

change your attitude-- in your way of thinking - and keep the horse shes young and 7 and at the start of her career and rome wasnt built in a day
to succeed is the essence
of triaining practices clinics sponsored rides with optional jumps till she gets the hang of the distance and jumps good place to start a youngster with out the pressure on you
then build her up from there
go to clinics that do intro -- find a trianer that does 3 day eventing as then all 3 disilpines are covered

praictice small grids - then pop the poles up slowly agood trianer will help you see your stride and distances
where to place and take off and setting the horse up then my freind she will like to love jumping