I just want to cry.

[MaggieMagoo]

After looking for a week at sale horses my husband called it quits on my adventure. He said he was uncomfortable with the idea that my parents were willing to buy me a horse to train and possibly sell later on... which they said they were ok if later I didn't sell the horse, or if I did then I would pay them back.. they even offered to pay board because they said "we don't want you to be just mucking stalls and not have time to actually ride".

So I just feel like crying because this has happened before. I know where he is coming from, really I do, right now *we* can't afford a horse. I know that. I know that we would be relying on my parents for the money for it. I know it makes him uncomfortable to think that he can't pay for everything since I'm in college and don't have a job besides work study. I know. I just got my hopes up I guess.

*sigh* I need a hug.:sadsmile:

[shireluver]

Is he your husband or your father? You and your parents had a deal, who is your husband to step in and interrupt that?

I'm sorry for the bluntness, I guess that is why I am not married any longer. I do not answer to anyone when it comes to what I want. As long as it is legal, and nobody is physically in danger, it is my business and nobody elses.

<<<<<Hugs>>>>>

[trubandloki]

I can understand how crushing it is, but I am sorry to say that I actually agree with your husband.

Wait until you can afford the horse yourselves.

[MaggieMagoo]

that is probably the worst part of it... I know he is right. I just wish he wouldn't let me get my hopes up. He always agrees with me first then waits till I'm fully involved in something to tell me he has second thoughts about it and it's a bad idea.

[Bluey]

You know best, but if you are in school and with other commitments, maybe it is not time to add owning a horse to your already full life?
Are there other ways you can keep working with horses that won't tie you up like owning one?

How about taking some lessons, leasing a horse, half leasing a horse?:)

It is good to always have more than plan A handy, so you can refocus and keep on going, no time to resent what is not happening.

Go to plan B, or even C.;)

[isaidwhoa]

I have to agree with shireluver. Who is he to pee in your wheaties?

As long as you have parents who are willing to take on a horse and it's expenses and you have the time and knowledge to put into it then there is nothing but pride standing in your way. Being a poor college student doesn't last forever. Sit down with your husband and make a plan to take over horse duties from your parents once you've graduated.

If this is something you see yourself doing in your life, then for crying out loud, take a stand!:yes:

Good luck!

[Petstorejunkie]

it sounds like your parents just want to be sure you have something to ride... is hubby against you riding? or the potential financial burden?

I bet you could find a horse that's a little rusty or a little green with a too busy owner... they are EVERYWHERE and are usually willing to pay your a little to give the horse attention and ride it, or they let you 'lease' for free

I didnt own my own horse til i was 19, and I haven't gone a week without riding since I was 4 years old.... and we were not rich, my mom was just good at finding those types of situations....

[mielikko]

I'm confused. Your parents offered, in essence, to give you a gift (horse + all expenses). Why does your husband get to decide whether or not you can accept? Would the horse have become a burden for him in some way (for instance, would he have to give up something he loves in order for you to have time to ride)?

Your parents sound like kind and thoughtful people. Your husband sounds like he has some personal issues ("I know it makes him uncomfortable to think that he can't pay for everything") that he's inflicting upon you.

I apologize for sounding harsh, but the time to address this is NOW. Does he define himself in terms of what you do? Is his need to be "a man" in those terms more important that your happiness and your relationship with your parents?

Hugs.

[mielikko]

...He always agrees with me first then waits till I'm fully involved in something to tell me he has second thoughts about it and it's a bad idea.

This is very, very bad. It sounds to me like he supports you, then realizes that your plans might take time or attention away from him, and withdraws his support. It's about control, and about what's best for him, not about what's best for you.

[ReeseTheBeast]

Ditto Shirelover and mielikko...

While I don't know all the dynamics of your marriage and don't want to make any assumptions, I will say that the last guy who tried to come between me and my horse got sold for the low, low price of $19.99 and I'll leave it at that.

[MaggieMagoo]

he is definately thinking in terms of time away from him. Which I agree we don't spend enough time together since he got a promotion at work and my school schedule. Our only time together is on saturday and sunday afternoon since I have rehersal for the play I'm in (three easy english credits out of the way) which is only till november.

He was not too happy this morning when I had to leave as he woke up to go to the barn to ride for my BO that had clients coming to look at a horse. This is what set off the conversation about how he isn't comfortable with my parents buying me a horse.

My parents are WONDERFUL! They love to give gifts and my mom always slips me gas money when we come visit, and he knows that they get a little offended if he doesn't let them buy him something. haha

My husband is woderful also, really he is but he just doesn't understand horses and doesn't like "horse people" since he used to bale hay and met some not so nice ones.... but he is trying. But financially he believes that he should be able to take care of us etc. and feels like if my parents buy me a horse we will be in debt to them...

I can't wait till I'm out of school, I hate that I need to spend all this money to get a job to pay off my school loans and hopefully have a little left over in the end.

[pony89]

I'm sorry, that is disappointing. I do think that your husband is on the right track, and that you will be better off being independent and getting your horse when you (as a family) are ready. I don't think that arrangements like that always work out, and getting a horse when there are no potential "strings" will make you so much happier in the long run. I know a lot of people don't agree, but my husband and I try to do everything as a team, and we are much happier for it. Any time when you allow yourself to be subsidized from outside of your "team," you are in a way, giving someone the opportunity to interfere in your relationship. I think that nowadays, a lot of people look at how things benefit themselves, but I think if you look at everything for how it benefits you as a couple, and both people are looking out for the best for each other, you actually both end up happier in the long run. It has worked for us, we are some of the most happily married people that I know.

[EqTrainer]

I'm with the club that thinks this sounds like the typical controlling husband horse issue.

I prefer the type of husband who says "oh.. is that a new one?" and keeps doing whatever he was doing.

[RockinHorse]

Were your parents willing to pay ALL expenses, not just board? Vet, farrier, equipment, etc all add up. Is it possible this is what is concerning your husband?

While I think it is great your parents want to do this for you, I am in the "wait until you can afford it yourself" camp. If you are married and in college, I think it might be time to stop relying on your parents for support. There are other ways to ride and enjoy horses besides taking on the financial burden of ownership.

[JenRose]

Tell your hubby to look at it as a job or investment opportunity for you. Because of your parents generosity you will be able to either sell the horse later for a profit or keep him for pleasure. If you sell for profit, your husband will benefit from the money. Even if you decide to keep the horse, your husband has not lost anything and is probably better off since you would be happier. Unless your parents are saying that they will give you ____ amount of money to use how you choose (which I don't think they are), then it does not concern your husband. Your parents are choosing to buy/foot the bills for you a horse, not give you money which you can choose to use to buy a horse. If they want to do this and you want the horse, tell the hubby to deal. This is coming from a 27 year old who has been married for 3 years and has 3 horses whose parents still occasionally help out with horse related expenses. It is also much harder to juggle the horses after college when you are thrown out into the true "real world". Good luck, and please don't give up your dreams because your hubby is being selfish & contolling (IMO). ;)

[AnotherRound]

*sigh* I need a hug.

You need to get a set.

So you're saying that you only do things your husband says you can do? You only accept gifts which he approves of? Is that working for you, so far?

If you allow the mood swings of a man to decide how you live, you're in for a roller coaster of dissapointments in life, honey. Better get used to dissapointment.

I will assume you are young. Letting another person's whims and judgement control you gets old real fast.

[myrna]

my "ex" didn't like horses either,need i say more.

[RockinHorse]

I can't wait till I'm out of school, I hate that I need to spend all this money to get a job to pay off my school loans and hopefully have a little left over in the end.

Perhaps asking your parents to consider helping with your school loans instead of buying and supporting a horse would be a better use of their generosity.

[JEN22]

I know how you feel. My mare has a injury and is out of comission for at least 2 or 3 more months and I talked to my husband (sweetie!) about getting an OTTB to start on while Miss Thing is off.
This man would NEVER dream of telling me what I can or can't do but he likes to play devils advocate to make sure I'm thinking financially instead of emotionally. We have a 10 month old daughter and the vet bills for the mare are sizable. So, in this case he was right...
So, that being said, I hope your hubby is just being conservative financially. Sometimes, some of us, like me, need someone to keep us out of the poor house.
But, if your parents are okay with footing the bill, what is his real issue?

[SuperSpike]

First of all, I'm sorry you feel let down. Secondly, I must warn you that I'm sensitive to this subject having dealt with similar issues with my SO. OK, moving forward...
Why does he have final say over the matter?! :confused:

Would he feel any different if it were someone else (besides parents) investing in the horse? What do your parents (the investors in this case) feel?

If I were you, I would revisit this issue with your husband. Your feelings are hurt for no good reason and that alone is enough of a reason to discuss this further.

My suggestions:

1. Tell him you want to talk about the "investment horse" issue because you feel disappointed

2. Plan to talk about it in a comfortable place when there's enough time and neither of you are distracted.

3. Sit side by side, not face to face - the two of you are solving the problem together; it's not a me vs. you situation

4. Openly discuss the emotions you both feel in relation to this issue. Allow one another to be completely honest in disclosing and/or displaying these emotions. Then, commit to staying calm for the remainder of the talk.

5. Openly discuss your interests - what do each of you really want? (Hint: it may have nothing to do with a horse)

6. Discuss options - are there any that satisfy both of your interests?

7. Plan another time to talk about the options the two of you generated, critique the options, and how to implement the best one

Remember: solve the emotions and interests problems first. If he's being unreasonable, he'll realize it in the later steps.

If he refuses to talk to you like a mature adult who has feelings and interests, disregard his opinion and keep looking for a horse. Take some responsibility for your own happiness - if you want a horse and you know you can take this project on, by all means, DO IT! :yes:

Good luck!

[Coreene]

This reminds me of the line. "My wife made me pick between her and golf. I'll miss her."

[trubandloki]

Perhaps asking your parents to consider helping with your school loans instead of buying and supporting a horse would be a better use of their generosity.

I totally agree!!!!

I personally feel that if you are an adult, married and living on your own, then having your parent's buy and support a horse for you IS a slap in the face to your husband. To me it does not sound like he is being controlling or any of those other things people are saying. He is willing to be a grown up and accept you can not, at this time, support a horse.

[RheinlandPfalzSaar]

Have you tried just sitting your husband down and explaining to him how much having your own horse means to you? Is he as passionate about something in his life as you are about horses? I am so sorry to hear that you are having difficulty.

Sorry if I missed this but had your husband okay'd the idea of your parents financially helping you with a horse and then just changed his mind after a week of looking?

You need to talk to him and when you do try to put emotion out of your conversation with him, stay really calm and just simply explain to him why this is important to you and I would also address him changing his mind if that is even an issue? Marriage is definitely a partnership where you and him should stand on equal ground. I had to convince my husband that I could pay for my own horse before I bought one (I waited 27 years to get her too). We sat down and went over our budgets very carefully. It took months for him to believe that we could comfortably afford it but it was well worth the wait and I will never forget how happy I was when we decided, together, that we were able to purchase Lorelei! How long have you been married?

Sending hugs and support!

BTW, you are very lucky to have such supportive parents! Does your husband? I wonder if might be a little jealous or threatened by that? Probably way off base...

[BumbleBee]

Please say you are not actually married to the type of a$$hat who would put his own pride over your happiness.

There is no reason he need get a vote. Hello year 2007 not 1950 and it between you and your parents. I think he needs a kick in the pants from reality, he doesn't OWN YOU.
:no::mad:

[ReeseTheBeast]

Ok, this reasoning of his:
he is definately thinking in terms of time away from him. ...He was not too happy this morning when I had to leave as he woke up to go to the barn to ride for my BO that had clients coming to look at a horse. This is what set off the conversation about how he isn't comfortable with my parents buying me a horse.

seems to conflict with this other reasoning of his:
financially he believes that he should be able to take care of us etc. and feels like if my parents buy me a horse we will be in debt to them...

so what's his real issue? Sure, it's not ever black and white, and there are lots of reasons why people feel the way they do. But to me they don't sound like reasons, they sound like BS. If his issue is that he wants to spend more time with you, then why can't he come to the barn with you sometimes and you go with him and do the things that he does? And then why does he have to cover the true motive (time away from him) with one that's completely irrelevant (you two as a couple will owe your parents something)?

And even though I can comprehend what he's saying regarding feeling indebted to your parents if they were to buy you a horse, doesn't he realize that this is a gift for YOU and not you and him?? The reality is that your parents wanting to buy you a horse has nothing to do with your husband. It's something your parents want to do for you. Not for him. It's not like they're buying you guys a house, they're buying you a horse.

And then this:
he just doesn't understand horses and doesn't like "horse people" since he used to bale hay and met some not so nice ones.

How can he not like "horse people"? He married one! That's one of the lamest BS excuses ever invented. I'm sorry, but I dated a guy like this once ($19.99 guy) and his attempts at controlling me were as thinly veiled as what I'm reading in this thread re: your husband's reasoning attempts... he'd say, "you just can't afford a horse, you're working 4 jobs, think about your future, bs bs bs..." However, me owning a horse wasn't a problem financially or otherwise until I started spending more and more time at the barn and away from him (although he was always invited to come along). The truth finally came out after I got home from a late night at the farm to him pouting and refusing to talk to me for hours before divulging that he was "jealous of my horse." :o :rolleyes:

The last straw was when I found out that he and his Army buddies had been making jokes about "whacking him." (him being Reese) :mad:

But I digress.

I like what Pony89 is saying and I agree that marriages should be like that- a team.... but why does it sound like Maggie is only supposed to play on his side?

just food for thought....

[trubandloki]

You people that are complaining about HIM....

If the OP wanted to stay under the financial control of her parent's why did she bother leaving them and getting married? She got married so now her husband is her family. It is their job to support their lives. Mommy and Daddy should not be. Mommy and Daddy should not have a huge control over daughter anymore, she is married now. With them paying all her bills for a horse I am sure they will feel some rights to her time and such. That is an unfair burden to put on her husband.

Gosh! He is not a meany, he is an adult and realizes that as an adult Mommy and Daddy should not be buying him/his family huge and expensive items.

[mielikko]

I totally agree!!!!

I personally feel that if you are an adult, married and living on your own, then having your parent's buy and support a horse for you IS a slap in the face to your husband. To me it does not sound like he is being controlling or any of those other things people are saying. He is willing to be a grown up and accept you can not, at this time, support a horse.

How is it a slap in the face to her husband? Her parents are giving her a gift. His b-lls won't dry up and fall off, honest.

If they were struggling to pay for groceries and housing, I'd question the wisdom of taking the parents up on the offer. But she's not saying that. It sounds like they have the essentials covered just fine. Further, this isn't simply Mommy & Daddy buying a horse so their daughter can ride. They've framed it in terms of an investment - they'll buy the horse, she'll train it, sell it, and give them the profit. Sounds plenty adult to me.

[TBKate]

Mommy and Daddy should not have a huge control over daughter anymore, she is married now. With them paying all her bills for a horse I am sure they will feel some rights to her time and such. That is an unfair burden to put on her husband.

Gosh! He is not a meany, he is an adult and realizes that as an adult Mommy and Daddy should not be buying him/his family huge and expensive items.

Her parents don't sound as though they are planning to use the horse to manipulate her--they sound like nice, supportive people. Just because you leave your parents' home does not mean that they are no longer allowed to spoil you a little--on the contrary, they're not paying your upkeep anymore, and it's their money--they can spend it how they want!! I guess if your parents offered to, say, send you on a cruise you'd say no b/c it's your job to support yourself?


They are not giving HIM the gift. It is a partnership between her and her parents.

[Louise]

Sounds to me like he wants you to be happy, but then thinks it over, and the head takes precedence over the heart. That's why he is always saying yes, then backing out.

To me it seems that, once you go out on your own, you are just that, on your own. You need to learn where your boundaries are and, at this time, it doesn't sound like they include a horse. It is good that your parents are so supportive, and there may be times of emergency in your life when you will be glad that they are there to stand so solidly behind you. Getting a horse is not one of these times.

There is nothing wrong with him wanting to spend time with you. Now, in your younger days, is a growing time, and spending time together will help in that growth. I know time seems to move slowly now, but it will pass quickly, you will be able to have a horse, and you and your SO will have learned to be a self sufficient team.

As it is, you're learning one important lesson right now. Life isn't easy and sometimes what you want has to be put aside for what you need.

[mielikko]

I know time seems to move slowly now, but it will pass quickly, you will be able to have a horse, and you and your SO will have learned to be a self sufficient team.

What condescending pap. 'Nuff said.

[MaggieMagoo]

I just wanted to add that I did not ask my parents to buy me a horse. I've been riding for 10 yrs and I have had 3 horses, of which my parents bought one and I always paid for board, vet bills, shoeing etc. I worked my butt off cleaning stalls for years to keep and show them. But I had to sell them all when we moved.. (back story): my family moved to S. Korea my Sr. year in high school, I moved back and graduated and went to a community college they did help with my bills, not because I asked but because they didn't want me working full time and going to school. I still worked two jobs to afford to take lessons and ride at my barn. I got married and moved to MD with my husband, we haven't had any help from them whatsoever.

My parent's have offered to pay for one year of my college loans, which I don't know that we will actually hold them to that. And I do agree that we are a team, and we do things together and make decisions together. I guess I wish he would just try and spend some time with me doing my hobby since I'm fully involved in his.

We reenact together, I didn't start till I met him, and I do have fun but now when we go he ditches me in camp because he has other duties since he is high man on the totem pole. So I just go take care of the staff horses all weekend. I used to have fun but now I think that I'm just going to stay home and go ride since I'd probably see him equally as much. It's not fun anymore.

At first when my parents offered he didn't want to except. Then we went for a visit and he changed his mind, not around my parents but aftward with just us, and then this morning he changed his mind. I think I'm just going to give up on owning until things settle and I have a full time job etc. I'm just worried that no matter what we will never have the "funds" to buy me a horse. We'll see.

[BelladonnaLily]

You people that are complaining about HIM....

If the OP wanted to stay under the financial control of her parent's why did she bother leaving them and getting married? She got married so now her husband is her family. It is their job to support their lives. Mommy and Daddy should not be. Mommy and Daddy should not have a huge control over daughter anymore, she is married now. With them paying all her bills for a horse I am sure they will feel some rights to her time and such. That is an unfair burden to put on her husband.

Gosh! He is not a meany, he is an adult and realizes that as an adult Mommy and Daddy should not be buying him/his family huge and expensive items.


:yes: Agreed.

Yet people seem so surprised that the divorce rate is what it is :rolleyes:

He is supporting you through college...it is not as if you're out making money and he is being domineering about how your money is spent. You are supposed to be a team, making decisions together, not running to mommy and daddy for the latest expensive toy that he can't afford to buy you. Wait until the time is right and you can afford it on your own...when it is a joint decision.

[Louise]

What condescending pap. 'Nuff said.


Well, at least I use proper language, and am not rude.

[Anyplace Farm]

Is he your husband or your father? You and your parents had a deal, who is your husband to step in and interrupt that?

I'm sorry for the bluntness, I guess that is why I am not married any longer. I do not answer to anyone when it comes to what I want. As long as it is legal, and nobody is physically in danger, it is my business and nobody elses.

<<<<<Hugs>>>>>
I'm with you on this. It's a business venture between family members. I'd have to tell my man to step aside on this one.

[sofiethewonderhorse]

Dear, Dear...

There have been many with great wisdom who have brought up the 'control' thing.

Why don't you send him the link to this thread, or have a friend send it to him?

[citydog]

Some good advice here, I think, from those who think this is a deal between you and your parents. Sure, it seems to be "just" about the horse now, but you can bet that this will be a recurring theme throughout you marriage unless you either deal with the issues now or resign yourself to replaying this scenario over and over again. Hubby doesn't own you or your happiness.

For reference, I'm 38 and have been with my husband for 16 years. We work as a team, but but have our own stuff too. :) I encourage him and support him in his efforts to do music even when it means that he's on tour for weeks at a time without me, and he supports my dog and horse endeavors, through finishing school, house-buying, career changes, etc., because we want eachother to be happy and "successful" according to our own personal definitions. He'd be *thrilled* for me if my Mom offered me the deal your parents are offering you, and sure wouldn't take it as a slam to his masculinity.

If you didn't have your husband but were in the same position in terms of school and such, and your parents offered you this opportunity, you'd take it in a heartbeat, yes? If hubby was cool with it, you'd do it, right? *Why* is your husband entitled to veto this?

I believe you when you say that he's a great guy, honest! :yes: But believe me that you need to work this stuff out *now*. You're both young and there really *is* a learning curve to this partnership stuff--having blips like this just lets you know that there are issues you need to learn how to handle so you *both* can enjoy a long happy marriage. :)

Good luck to you and I hope you can sort everything out win/win, happy/happy. :)

[RheinlandPfalzSaar]

I'm just worried that no matter what we will never have the "funds" to buy me a horse. We'll see.

Oh no. That is not fair. :mad: You need to talk to him about your priorities. After reading this most recent post it kind of does sound like more of a control issue or maybe a jealousy issue - not sure?

[asb2517]

I'm with you on this. It's a business venture between family members. I'd have to tell my man to step aside on this one.

Exactly! What if they offered to buy you both an expensive present? Would he refuse that also? Or is he just jealous of the relationship you have with your parents? I would really question him as to what the actual problem is. It sounds like he is making up BS reasons. "Oh, I want to spend more time together..." But then when you do his thing, he leaves you alone. Sounds to me like he is a little too controlling for my taste. But I don't have to live with him...you do.

[Manes&Tails]

Your H should let you have the horse and let your parents help you.

It is your dream to train and ride, so who cares who helps you as long as you get to have your dream.

Your H should not stand in the the way, there will be a day down the road where you and your H can repay your parents because your parents will need yall's help one day to care for them and you will be there for them.

You may not have another chance to ride later in life for many reasons.

So do it now and start riding.

[ReeseTheBeast]

trubandloki, I totally see what you're saying and I understand. I also agree to a large extent.

However, I'm going to give my unsolicited commentary on what most of us are seeing who are posting about the husband being controlling or selfish...

The OP doesn't insinuate at all that her parents are offering this with the expectation of submission from her, it actually sounds more like a business investment for them (her parents were supposed to get the profits of the horse after selling), with everyone benefitting: daughter gets to ride and own, parents reap financial rewards once project horse is complete; daughter and her husband don't have to deal with the financial constraints of horse ownership, and everybody is happy. Husband thinks the whole setup is fine, everything is on the up and up and ready to move forward, then out of nowhere he says, "nevermind, no you can't."

Sounds like the husband likes to "wear the pants," as it were, and enjoys exercising that "right." Hell, the OP sounds like she makes sure they work as a team, and the decision to move forward with the horse investment with her parents was a decision made *as a team,* and then he changed his mind- why can't *the team* change its mind? He didn't discuss that with her like she discussed the horse with him. Sure, that's his perogative but as far as I'm concerned, any financial investment deal the OP makes with her parents that doesn't concern any money of hers or her husbands, isn't any of the business of said husband.

It sounds like the OP is dedicated to being a part of his life- is involved heavily with his hobbies, makes sure they're making choices together as a team, and yet he seems to do only what he wants to do. And I do have a feeling that there will "never be enough money" in their marriage for the OP to have a horse.

And yes, the divorce rate in this country is high, but so is the percentage of selfish assholes. :D

[goeslikestink]

its always gonna be like that as some blokes that arnt neddyfied nmake excuses after excuses

it is commitment 365 days of the at lest twice a day morning and evening unless you find aplace closer to your college
your mum and dad have offered yo the horse why - becuase you studying
and you married but they arnt dumb
they are offfering you your time and space to chill
marriage can be pressure in itself your hubby works no doubt and no doubt he has a hobby
you have neddys as your hobby

so tell him if you get the horse its hes not to worry he knows where you are
men do feel sometimes that a horse takes away that time of commitment to them
and they feel in competition with the time factor
so tell him you know where i am - this will get him thinking as there no other men its a horse
funny how this works as answer

just becuase you married you have also a life of time of space to do your thing
once you pass exams you will be working and time will be shorter perhaps
then later he will surgest another huge commitment of starting a family etc etc

so-- your parents are paying for this time to do something now whilse you have that time spare in your life time -- so use it or lose it

[olympicprincess]

I agree with your husband. Wait, finish school, get your job, pay off some loans and get your horse.

Once you have a job, you have the right to say where your money goes. You're living off hubby right now, so of course he's concerned about money.

Cracks me up how people jumped all over him, but then say to others "it's a luxury to own a horse" when the horses are putting them into debt. :rolleyes:

(I know nothing about school loans (thanks Mom & Dad :sadsmile:), but I have known many people who have BIG ONES. I think your hubby is most likely NOT wanting to go into further debt... but that's my guess from a BB ;))

BTW, know what I did when I graduated from college?
Bought myself ANOTHER horse :rolleyes: :D... thus receiving numerous "I do not need another horse, I do not need another horse" shirts.:lol:

[summerhorse]

I can't say too much about your relationship with him because of course I don't know you! LOL but if the horse was offered and it was not going to cost HIM anything I would be TELLING him, not asking permission. Since you no longer have fun with his hobby, while he goes there, you can go ride. You can then make time for both of you doing something you BOTH like.

Now if you are going to have to pay all the horses bills and such then yeah he has a say because you are just working a few hours and busy with school too. Only you know how much free time you actually have and how well you can budget. If you can handle the horse time commitment I'd say I appreciate your concerns but this is a deal between my parents and myself and its something I really want to do. If it becomes a problem time wise or financially we can discuss it and work things out.

If your time is limited I'd stick with riding horses for other people and maybe arrange a part lease on one until you are done with school. THEN your parents can get you a true prospect horse and you are on your way.

[horse-loverz]

You know.. It sounds more and more like a control issue. He will take you to do "his" stuff and just dump you there.. but he is worried about not spending time with you if you get a horse because you will spend more time at the barn than with him.... hmmmmmm where's that fruitbat again????

This may be forshadowing of things to come but I think you're right in that you'll never have enough money (in your husband's eyes) for a horse.. but the same money will be readily spent in other directions i.e. mainly toward his hobbies.

While this may or may not be the most ideal time for you to own a horse (only you know your life and schedule).. and some portion of your husbands concerns may be valid.. I would keep an eye open and remember this when the new excuses pop up.. We need a new stereo.. car.. house... it will most likely always be something.

If my parents were that generous and not likely to renig on their promise of support for the horse.. and it is being looked at as a business investment I would problably do it anyways. But then again I'm like that...I had I husband I gave away for free...(actually I would have pd to have someone take him off my hands...) because of his issues..(I got married WAYYYY to young but hindsight is 20/20 :winkgrin:) My current husband is not horsie but supports what I do and does not question... When I bought my youngest a wee pony out of the blue.. he just said.. "O.K. What's it's name???" And never mentioned it again.:lol:

It just sounds to me that there are hint's of issues that run deeper than this horse buying thing. You may need to stand up for yourself and your wants and needs a wee bit more. But that is JMHO and WTH do I know anyways???:lol:

[ChampionMercedes]

Why is everyone thinking she's running to her parents asking them to buy her the horse? She said they approached her. Not the other way around. If her parents want to give her a way to get away from the house and school and have something to enjoy then let them! It shouldn't burden their relationship. She's not asking him to quit his job with extra hours because she does not get to see him as much. If my parents offered to pay for my horse my fiance would be dancing in the streets. in

I don't have as good as advice for you as I'm not married yet. Many of the people on this board know much more about how to handle finances and family issues while being married. I would suggest seriously talking to him about the issues coming up here. The stuff behind the horse.

And just throwing this out here ... but you mention that he wants you home when he's home, he doesn't like horse people, he's not liking the family support, finances are and issue etc. Do you think your parents are wanting you to have a horse in order to get away from him and the house a little?

[TBKate]

My parent's have offered to pay for one year of my college loans, which I don't know that we will actually hold them to that.

Ok, I'd have to say take that over the horse. Horrible thing to have to do, but being deeply in school debt now I'd love to have someone erase a year of that. Unless they'd rather pay for the horse--again, it's their money.

...now when we go he ditches me in camp because he has other duties since he is high man on the totem pole. So I just go take care of the staff horses all weekend. I used to have fun but now I think that I'm just going to stay home and go ride since I'd probably see him equally as much. It's not fun anymore.

This would be a good reason to support WHY you'd like to have a horse when you explain/discuss it. You need something that's fun for you too, and if he can't appreciate that he's being a jerk.

[asb2517]

And yes, the divorce rate in this country is high, but so is the percentage of selfish assholes. :D

Great quote! :lol: My husband and I have a deal. He gets to do his hunting, and golfing and whatever and I don't complain and I get to do the horse thing and he doesn't complain. It works out great. I don't want to hunt with him and he doesn't want to go to the barn! Everyone needs their alone time!

I just don't like the idea of a husband telling a wife that she is not "allowed" to do something. That just doesn't work in my house!

[jme]

I personally feel that if you are an adult, married and living on your own, then having your parent's buy and support a horse for you IS a slap in the face to your husband. To me it does not sound like he is being controlling or any of those other things people are saying. He is willing to be a grown up and accept you can not, at this time, support a horse.

Hogwash, horses are expensive. You gotta takes the gifts! :D

Anyway, to the OP: I've been married about three years (I think, maybe four, no three... well, you get the picture, not a long time).

My husband did not have pets growing up. His family consisted of people, not animals. My family consisted of more animals than people. We are the Romeo and Juliet of pet owners.

Just before we got engaged I got Resident Canine #1. After we bought our first house I got Resident Canine #2 (much to DH's chagrin). Then came along a gift to me, Boarded-out Equine #1 (believe me, DH was NOT thrilled- we both have hefty college loans, but I'll get back to this). Then we sold our house and bought a small farm (this took some urging, but he likes dirt bikes and to shoot guns). Then came along Resident Equine #2 with STRONG, BARRACUDA-like opposition from DH. So, then, I got him a kitten.

Marc (my husband) ain't all that happy about the horses, believe me. I try to be good about it (do my own vaccines, long-term lease resident equine #2, barefoot horses, etc, there are millions of ways to save money). He's still in school, finishing his undergrad. I tell him that I did my tour of duty so now is my time to play until we have kids. You gotta ride before you start a family!! (If you want to start a family.)

Also, I urge him to get into things he wants to get into. He has some quirky hobbies so I tell him to get more involved when he complains about the horses. That helps.

I also plan stuff with him. We have a date night. We have a date day. It's always planned so that when I'm doing horse stuff he knows he'll have his time too. I make it a point to make a nice dinner a couple times a week. We don't have a set schedule per say, but I try to keep things somewhat even. I can tell when I am giving the horses too much attention. Marc gets a tad sullen.

I also involve him. Believe me, there are things that boys can do around horses. Marc is the barn fixer and horse treater and trailer hooker-upper. Although he grumbles about it, he can stack hay just as good as any farm- raised boy.

What he doesn't like is barn or horse drama. He hates it. So I don't go there. Or I try not to :D

If you want to ride, and you have help, put your foot down with your husband, but do it softly. Be fair. It is a huge commitment and it takes a lot of adjustment for your family. Thing is, if you don't do things for yourself, you WILL become resentful. Riding is wonderful exercise. It's good for your mind. You can decide how much to be into it.

Regarding the expense, if your parents will pay the board while you are in school. I'd take that help too. You're in school. It's like a get out of jail free card. Use the help. Forget pride. Use pride somewhere better placed.

But only you know your own personal limits. Just also know that it can work, even with a husband who is seemingly resistant.

Good luck!

[DopyDgz]

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
I know it;s hard. I remember getting all excited about taking riding lessons in Grad school, only to realize I couldn't afford it.

However, I think your husband is right, nit because he should pay for everything, but because now is the time to focus on college. I have written this advise here many times: school is expensive, and a privilege. It takes a great deal of time, energy and money. Make the most of it: horses will be there later.

[DopyDgz]

"Who is he to pee in your wheaties? "

He is her hsuband, whihc means they are partners, and should agree on these things.

When I have ignored/gone around my husband, it has always come out badly.

[Bluey]

How would you both feel if it was not your parents, but a client, someone that thinks you do a great job of training and offered to help you buy a horse, pay expenses and when you resell it, hopefully at a good profit, share on it?

[Chester's Mom]

I can't say too much about your relationship with him because of course I don't know you! LOL but if the horse was offered and it was not going to cost HIM anything I would be TELLING him, not asking permission. Since you no longer have fun with his hobby, while he goes there, you can go ride. You can then make time for both of you doing something you BOTH like.

Now if you are going to have to pay all the horses bills and such then yeah he has a say because you are just working a few hours and busy with school too. Only you know how much free time you actually have and how well you can budget. If you can handle the horse time commitment I'd say I appreciate your concerns but this is a deal between my parents and myself and its something I really want to do. If it becomes a problem time wise or financially we can discuss it and work things out.

If your time is limited I'd stick with riding horses for other people and maybe arrange a part lease on one until you are done with school. THEN your parents can get you a true prospect horse and you are on your way.

Yeah, all that!! Only thing I will add.... if you find yourself making excuses FOR him (he's really a great guy...) to us, parents, friends, etc. then try to figure out why you think he IS when he acts like he ISN'T. Maybe its your thinking that is off, not everyone elses...

Spoken as one who DID pay to get rid of her was-band (great new word from FHOTD), got a great replacement who I adore and who understands that the things I enjoy should make him happy too cause he luvs me. :D He might not do them WITH me, but he is happy cause I am doing something that makes ME happy. And vice versa, works the other way too. THAT is what marriage is all about.

[asb2517]

He might not do them WITH me, but he is happy cause I am doing something that makes ME happy. And vice versa, works the other way too. THAT is what marriage is all about.

Wow, there are some smart people on this thread!! :lol:

[Chester's Mom]

Wow, there are some smart people on this thread!! :lol:

Now if I just knew why it took so many years to get that way.....

[MistyBlue]

Maybe I'm old fashioned too...but I'm with the Not Until You're Done With School and Loans crowd.
This is an adult...married...and in school. With debt. Marriages do mean being mature and compromising from time to time. And I don't believe this is a case of the wife compromising with a husband's controlling issues...it sounds more like a very mature husband coping with a wife who still wants mom and dad to support her fun. If the parents are willing to purchase you a horse...ask instead for help with education loans or anything to help get you and hubby out of debt.
Nothing wrong with parents buying you a horse...but it would be immature to accept such an expensive gift when:
1) You're in school
2) You admit to you and spouse not having much time with one another
3) You're in debt
If the wife was supporting the husband while he was in school and the wife never saw the husband or spent time with him...how would the wife feel if the husband's parents bought him a boat and took him out every spare moment to go boating/fishing. (if, say, wife hates boats or has seasickness issues) In Laws spent a butt load of money on a boat for their son, takes away their sons few free moments to spend with his wife and now the hubby never sees his wife, is accruing debt, wife is supporting hubby, etc, etc....we have to mentally put the shoe on the other foot in all fairness.
Everytime I see a spouse thread on this BB...I cringe a little bit. There's always such a huge chorus of voices jumping in ranting the husband is controlling, mean, evil, should be an ex, shouldn't want time with his wife, should be happy to stay in debt so wife can enjoy a luxury, etc, etc. Ladies...not everyone wants to divorce a perfectly sane spouse just because many of you did over a large furry very expensive pet. The OP stated her husband is otherwise wonderful...and his worries seem rather ligitimate to me and to the OP. Why would so many want her to end a happy marriage over a horse they cannot afford at a time when they're in debt? What if the new horse develops a surgical colic...are mom and dad going to happily pay a $10k or more vet bill? How beholden does this man need to be made to feel to his in laws? Why are the wife's feelings put sooo much ahead of the husbands when he's not being unreasonable? This isn't over a necessary thing like transportation...this is over a horse. Sure we all love horses and it's all our passions...but honestly, if the spouse isn't an abusive drunken freak and if the two love each other is it really worth it to advise her to divorce him and allow mummy and daddy to give her a horsie? :confused:
I've never read a more husband-hating BB than this one. Believe me...I'm no Stand By Your Man sap...I've got a brass set of ovaries as big as hubby's wedding tackle but I still tend to take his feelings into consideration...as he does mine. :cool:

[asb2517]

"Who is he to pee in your wheaties? "

He is her hsuband, whihc means they are partners, and should agree on these things.

When I have ignored/gone around my husband, it has always come out badly.

But what do you do when you can't agree? He is her HUSBAND...not her boss. What if it is something she really wants? It must be because the title of this thread is "I want to cry." Do you just give in or do you stand your ground and do what you want to do?

I don't know...maybe I'm too bullheaded and am lucky my dear husband doesn't try to tell me what I can and can't do - EVER. Just as I would never stand in the way of something he really wanted to do. I might not agree with him and think it's a dumb idea, but I wouldn't dream of telling him..."NO, you can't have (fill in the blank) or "NO, your mother CANNOT buy you (fill in the blank).

[DopyDgz]

"What if they offered to buy you both an expensive present? "

This is not just 'an expensive gift' that she can put on a shelf and take down when she has time. A horse takes on-going time and money, something of which a college student has very little. Her husband is putting her through college. If I were him, I would want her to focus on that.
Once she is out of college she can get a job and with her own $$ buy her own horse.

[Huntertwo]

First, one week is hardly enough time to find a horse. I think you have wonderful parents who are willing to help you out. I'm sure they wouldn't have offered to pay for the board if they didn't mean it.
My parents paid for my horse while I was in College and I was thankful of course.

How if they offered to help the both of you finance a new house? Would hubby take them up on that?

At the age of 47yr. trust me, life is too short not to live out your dream, even worse to have someone else tell you can't. That will lead to major resentment.
Sure you can wait until you're out of College, but what the heck? Why not now?

Financially for anyone..When is it ever a good time? Do we really have the extra money? Or just find a way to work out the $$$ issues when it comes to our horses.

If you were relying on your hubby to pay for a horse you cannot afford then I could see his point.
But if your parents are generous enough to help, who is HE to stop them.

Or is it more of a pride issue for him to take money from your parents?

I'd tell him to get over it and go get your horse!!

[Chester's Mom]

Maybe I'm old fashioned too...but I'm with the Not Until You're Done With School and Loans crowd.
This is an adult...married...and in school. With debt. Marriages do mean being mature and compromising from time to time. And I don't believe this is a case of the wife compromising with a husband's controlling issues...it sounds more like a very mature husband coping with a wife who still wants mom and dad to support her fun. If the parents are willing to purchase you a horse...ask instead for help with education loans or anything to help get you and hubby out of debt.
Nothing wrong with parents buying you a horse...but it would be immature to accept such an expensive gift when:
1) You're in school
2) You admit to you and spouse not having much time with one another
3) You're in debt
If the wife was supporting the husband while he was in school and the wife never saw the husband or spent time with him...how would the wife feel if the husband's parents bought him a boat and took him out every spare moment to go boating/fishing. (if, say, wife hates boats or has seasickness issues) In Laws spent a butt load of money on a boat for their son, takes away their sons few free moments to spend with his wife and now the hubby never sees his wife, is accruing debt, wife is supporting hubby, etc, etc....we have to mentally put the shoe on the other foot in all fairness.
Everytime I see a spouse thread on this BB...I cringe a little bit. There's always such a huge chorus of voices jumping in ranting the husband is controlling, mean, evil, should be an ex, shouldn't want time with his wife, should be happy to stay in debt so wife can enjoy a luxury, etc, etc. Ladies...not everyone wants to divorce a perfectly sane spouse just because many of you did over a large furry very expensive pet. The OP stated her husband is otherwise wonderful...and his worries seem rather ligitimate to me and to the OP. Why would so many want her to end a happy marriage over a horse they cannot afford at a time when they're in debt? What if the new horse develops a surgical colic...are mom and dad going to happily pay a $10k or more vet bill? How beholden does this man need to be made to feel to his in laws? Why are the wife's feelings put sooo much ahead of the husbands when he's not being unreasonable? This isn't over a necessary thing like transportation...this is over a horse. Sure we all love horses and it's all our passions...but honestly, if the spouse isn't an abusive drunken freak and if the two love each other is it really worth it to advise her to divorce him and allow mummy and daddy to give her a horsie? :confused:
I've never read a more husband-hating BB than this one. Believe me...I'm no Stand By Your Man sap...I've got a brass set of ovaries as big as hubby's wedding tackle but I still tend to take his feelings into consideration...as he does mine. :cool:

Sorry MB, but mine wasn't husband-hating. I promise. Unless of course you mean my ex....and his removal from my life had NOTHING to do with horses.

However.... hubby of OP did not sit down and discuss with her as an adult where they stand so they together made a decision. He told her no. Is she an adult member of the pair or not? He talked to her, they made a decision to get horse and then he just says "no"?? Sorry, nothing to do with being reasonable in THAT scenario.

[asb2517]

The way I understood it, the parents were paying for the horse, the horse's upkeep and all horse related expenses. HOW on earth does this make the husband indebted to the in-laws?? How is this going to cost the OP any money if her parents are footing the entire bill willingly? It sounds to me like the parents know this would make their daughter happy and want to do it for her. What's wrong with that?

What if the parents were multimillionaires and wanted to buy them a house? Would he say "No, thanks, I'll bust my butt every day to pay my mortgage so I don't feel like I owe anyone?" That's just silly!

[zagafi]

"Who is he to pee in your wheaties? "

He is her hsuband, whihc means they are partners, and should agree on these things.

When I have ignored/gone around my husband, it has always come out badly.

Thing is though, he DID agree initially, then later reneged. And it sounds like there's a pattern. How on earth is HE working as a partner?

[Angela Freda]

He was not too happy this morning when I had to leave as he woke up to go to the barn to ride for my BO that had clients coming to look at a horse. This is what set off the conversation about how he isn't comfortable with my parents buying me a horse.
I have been wrong before, but I don't think it's your parents buying you a horse/finances he is balking at. Read what you wrote above.
I bet if you win lotto, the horses will still be a problem for him. I think it's about TIME.

[Bluey]

I don't think her parents are buying her a fancy toy, but a proyect horse to try to make money with, an idea that is right down her alley, since she said she works at a barn and rides for a trainer.

The problem with the husband seems to be of time and maybe motivation to get that proyect to where it needs to be in time to make money, not pour money on it endlessly, if she can't attend to it as she will need to, with all else on their plate.

[jme]

I used to have fun but now I think that I'm just going to stay home and go ride since I'd probably see him equally as much. It's not fun anymore.

Nah, don't stay home. Go, enjoy the horses at the camp and the time you have with your husband there. Support him, be proud of him for what he's doing there. BUT get your horse. If he doesn't support you. Well, then you have a problem. Don't just pull away from him because he doesn't want you to do something for yourself. Do what you need to do and also support him.

Okay, and all this business about having a horse and going to school... I totally understand that both can be crazy huge time commitments, but it's a horse, not a kid for Pete's Sake. Again, YOU choose your time commitment level.

[DLee]

This thread has made me laugh. :lol: I would love to get the age bracket of each response!!

To the OP, I was like you in my twenties. I was much more concerned about what HE wanted rather than what I wanted. Of course it is bad to get into too much debt... if that were the only issue here, I could agree with him. But it isn't, not if your parents are financially involved with what could possibly be a profitable business proposition for you that also <gasp!> made you HAPPY as well!! Trust me, the 'we need to spend more time together' thing is probably more like "you need to spend more time with me when it is convenient for me and not have any interests outside of mine or what is convenient for me." :rolleyes:

If you don't draw the line now, trust me, you will be drawing it later and it will not be pretty. He SHOULD want what you want, he SHOULD want you to be happy, as you should want him to be.

I think most of us who have had issues with husbands who are controlling just don't want you to be where we have been!! If he is grumpy because he gets woke up while you leave for the barn... well... it won't get better. A man who doesn't want to share you with anyone or ANYTHING is not fun to live with. It gets old. Lordy, I could go on and on but I will stop now!! Just be aware (as I learned later), your contribution is ALLOWING it to happen. That's all. The best of luck to you... Diana

[Mrs. Smith]

I was recently married when I bought my current horse. We discussed, he protested, we discussed again, he came around... It does reduce the amount of time we spend together and the amount of "disposable income" we have left over at the end of the month. But he can see it makes me happy.

BUT... I can see how the "gift horse" situation could turn into a "HELP ME!!!" thread in a few months/years when the parents quit footing the bills and you're stuck with the expenses while paying tuition and/or student loans. Or once you graduate, what if you get a job that isn't condusive to riding every day?

My suggestion is to spend as much time as you can studying now so that you can graduate, get a great job and start earning money that YOU can spend on YOUR hobby.

And sadly, I feel like I'm in the minority... If I had to choose between my husband and my horse, I would choose my marriage. Then again, I know he'd never put me in the situation where I'd have to make that decision.

[ReeseTheBeast]

This thread has made me laugh. :lol: I would love to get the age bracket of each response!!

To the OP, I was like you in my twenties. I was much more concerned about what HE wanted rather than what I wanted. Of course it is bad to get into too much debt... if that were the only issue here, I could agree with him. But it isn't, not if your parents are financially involved with what could possibly be a profitable business proposition for you that also <gasp!> made you HAPPY as well!! Trust me, the 'we need to spend more time together' thing is probably more like "you need to spend more time with me when it is convenient for me and not have any interests outside of mine or what is convenient for me." :rolleyes:

If you don't draw the line now, trust me, you will be drawing it later and it will not be pretty. He SHOULD want what you want, he SHOULD want you to be happy, as you should want him to be.

I think most of us who have had issues with husbands who are controlling just don't want you to be where we have been!! If he is grumpy because he gets woke up while you leave for the barn... well... it won't get better. A man who doesn't want to share you with anyone or ANYTHING is not fun to live with. It gets old. Lordy, I could go on and on but I will stop now!! Just be aware (as I learned later), your contribution is ALLOWING it to happen. That's all. The best of luck to you... Diana

Jeez, thank you DLee!!!!!!!! You hit the nail on the head. Great post and I agree 100%, per my multiple contributions to this thread. :winkgrin:

FWIW, I'm 25. And unmarried. And that probably goes without saying. :lol:

[SmartAlex]

I HAVE had to choose! I said "See ya, I'm goin back to the horse show"

My current husband I wouldn't trade for all the pretty horses. Luckily he makes some time for my horses although he does make sure I keep my priorities straight. I'm a self-admitted horsaholic. I often need a realtiy check.

I was 36 when I paid for my first horse. $425. That was all I could afford. She is a rescue. Then my Mom gave me the nice horse. Mom's are great. :)

[asb2517]

This thread has made me laugh. :lol: I would love to get the age bracket of each response!!

To the OP, I was like you in my twenties. I was much more concerned about what HE wanted rather than what I wanted. Of course it is bad to get into too much debt... if that were the only issue here, I could agree with him. But it isn't, not if your parents are financially involved with what could possibly be a profitable business proposition for you that also <gasp!> made you HAPPY as well!! Trust me, the 'we need to spend more time together' thing is probably more like "you need to spend more time with me when it is convenient for me and not have any interests outside of mine or what is convenient for me." :rolleyes:

If you don't draw the line now, trust me, you will be drawing it later and it will not be pretty. He SHOULD want what you want, he SHOULD want you to be happy, as you should want him to be.

I think most of us who have had issues with husbands who are controlling just don't want you to be where we have been!! If he is grumpy because he gets woke up while you leave for the barn... well... it won't get better. A man who doesn't want to share you with anyone or ANYTHING is not fun to live with. It gets old. Lordy, I could go on and on but I will stop now!! Just be aware (as I learned later), your contribution is ALLOWING it to happen. That's all. The best of luck to you... Diana


OMG..let me say it again...this thread is FULL of really smart people! By the way, I am in the 35 - 40 year old bracket. I too was all concerned with HIM when I was younger, but life's too short to be a doormat so I'm not anymore! :lol:

[vxf111]

I think there are 2 very distinct issues here:

(1) is this the responsible time for you to be getting a horse, given the finances and timing of your life; and

(2) should you turn down an offer/gift from your parents simply on the basis that your husband wants you to.

Two totally separate issues. Based on what I've read-- I would have to say on #1 that it's probably not a good time and not a reponsible choice. That being said, on #2 it does sound like your husband has control issues and some resentment towards your parents/you/your hobbies. I don't think his explanation to you is the REAL reason he's balking. I think the real reason is that he wants you available for him at when he wants you-- and he knows that can't always happen if you have the responsibility of a horse. Also, he's potentially worried about unforseen expenses etc.

Just because your husband is WRONG in his reasons for not accepting the horse, doesn't mean you automatically should accept the horse. I happen to disagree with his reasons, but I agree it doesn't sound like ideal timing. Perhaps your parents would agree to invest in something like a half lease that would still get you riding time but wouldn't involve the kind of ongoing time committment/expenses etc. that the outright purchase of a horse would entail?

It's not like math. You can get the equation all wrong and still come up with the right number in the end. From what you've said-- buying an investment horse now is probably not the best idea. Hubby has other reasons for saying "no," but if I were you I'd say "no" because of school, finances, and timing.

[MistyBlue]

However.... hubby of OP did not sit down and discuss with her as an adult where they stand so they together made a decision. He told her no. Is she an adult member of the pair or not? He talked to her, they made a decision to get horse and then he just says "no"?? Sorry, nothing to do with being reasonable in THAT scenario.

Not disagreeing to be diagreeable...but I would guess with a post on the world wide web titled I Think I'm Going To Cry by a married adult who's a student being supported financially by her husband because he thinks it's a better idea to wait before getting a horse and who doesn't want to lose whatever free time he has with his wife...I;d have to guess that one is a lot more mature than the other. Not meaning to be mean to the OP *at all* since everyone gets disappointed from time to time. I personally just wouldn't tell the whole wide world that I'm crying over this type of scenerio unless I was a young teen. I honestly opened this thread worried that someone's horse or family memeber was seriously injured or ill...I guess I was just surprised that it was a crying thread from a married adult that my financially supporting husband wasn't gung-ho about mom and dad buying a horse.
And if my parents offered me an all expenses paid horse while I had someone else financing my existence...someone I loved enough to marry...I'd thank them profusely and tell them it would be financially irresponsible to get a horse when my husband was supporting me...no matter who is paying for it and if they'd like I'd truly appreciate help with my student loans instead to help me AND my husband out of a financial jam...out of appreciation for what he's doing for me. Because once I was married I wouldn't allow my husband to support me and accept expensive presents from anyone, no matter how much I might want them.
I'm just saying...if I were the financially supporting spouse while one was going school and they were accepting expensive luxury gifts from their parents while I was busting my arse supporting them...gifts that would remove what little pleasurable time I had left to spend with my spouse...I'd be disappointed, shocked and amazed at the lack of respect and appreciation my spouse held me in. And if I found out he was then crying on the world wide web about it...that would *might* push me towards divorce. Not the other way around.
JMHO...and this is in no way a slam against the OP. Who has stated that she understands the reasons her husband has stated and states that her husband isn't horsie but understands and just doesn't feel this is the time for them *as a couple* to add this extra thing into their lives. She sounds understanding...and I should be surprised at the amount of people saying Dump Him...None Of His Business...Controlling...Divorce Him! But sadly...after tons of threads like this...I'm not surprised. :no:

[Angela Freda]

OMG..let me say it again...this thread is FULL of really smart people! By the way, I am in the 35 - 40 year old bracket. I too was all concerned with HIM when I was younger, but life's too short to be a doormat so I'm not anymore! :lol:

Hear hear!
I woke up one day, realiesd I was 40 and man was I bummed I did not do MORE of the things I wanted to do before that day!
Life gets busy, and hectic, and then you have kids and there are no words to describe it. And if hubby is not on board supporting (not financially, emotionally) your dreams... guess who gets to do all the babysitting while hubby goes off to reenact? Now, go look in the mirror.

[JenRose]

Tell your hubby to look at it as a job or investment opportunity for you. Because of your parents generosity you will be able to either sell the horse later for a profit or keep him for pleasure. If you sell for profit, your husband will benefit from the money. Even if you decide to keep the horse, your husband has not lost anything and is probably better off since you would be happier. Unless your parents are saying that they will give you ____ amount of money to use how you choose (which I don't think they are), then it does not concern your husband. Your parents are choosing to buy/foot the bills for you a horse, not give you money which you can choose to use to buy a horse. If they want to do this and you want the horse, tell the hubby to deal. This is coming from a 27 year old who has been married for 3 years and has 3 horses whose parents still occasionally help out with horse related expenses. It is also much harder to juggle the horses after college when you are thrown out into the true "real world". Good luck, and please don't give up your dreams because your hubby is being selfish & contolling (IMO). ;)

Amen to all the great advice. Here is my original post. I am 27 and married and frequently accept horse related $/gifts from my gracious parents without a fuss from my husband. It is YOUR choice when it boils down to it. ;)

[MissintheSouth]

I was recently married when I bought my current horse. We discussed, he protested, we discussed again, he came around... It does reduce the amount of time we spend together and the amount of "disposable income" we have left over at the end of the month. But he can see it makes me happy.

BUT... I can see how the "gift horse" situation could turn into a "HELP ME!!!" thread in a few months/years when the parents quit footing the bills and you're stuck with the expenses while paying tuition and/or student loans. Or once you graduate, what if you get a job that isn't condusive to riding every day?

My suggestion is to spend as much time as you can studying now so that you can graduate, get a great job and start earning money that YOU can spend on YOUR hobby.

And sadly, I feel like I'm in the minority... If I had to choose between my husband and my horse, I would choose my marriage. Then again, I know he'd never put me in the situation where I'd have to make that decision.

Agreed. If the tables were turned and my in-laws were paying for my husband to have something that is a high cost depreciating asset I would probably have the same reaction. You are lucky to have such generous parents, but I can see how this could become a bad situation if/when your parents stop paying the bills. And I can understand his feeling inadequate about your parents footing the bill. I put my husband through graduate school, his parents are very generous (mine are not, but thats another story), and there were many times that an inocuous "let us take you to dinner" was interpretted as "I know you can't afford to go out to eat so we will do it for you."

There are plenty of opportunities to ride without taking on the financial burden of owning. I am sure you and the hubby can find some kind of comprimise if you both are upfront with what you want and what your resources (both time and money) and priorities are.

Good luck!

[Alagirl]

he is definately thinking in terms of time away from him. Which I agree we don't spend enough time together since he got a promotion at work and my school schedule. Our only time together is on saturday and sunday afternoon since I have rehersal for the play I'm in (three easy english credits out of the way) which is only till november.

He was not too happy this morning when I had to leave as he woke up to go to the barn to ride for my BO that had clients coming to look at a horse. This is what set off the conversation about how he isn't comfortable with my parents buying me a horse.

My parents are WONDERFUL! They love to give gifts and my mom always slips me gas money when we come visit, and he knows that they get a little offended if he doesn't let them buy him something. haha

My husband is woderful also, really he is but he just doesn't understand horses and doesn't like "horse people" since he used to bale hay and met some not so nice ones.... but he is trying. But financially he believes that he should be able to take care of us etc. and feels like if my parents buy me a horse we will be in debt to them...

I can't wait till I'm out of school, I hate that I need to spend all this money to get a job to pay off my school loans and hopefully have a little left over in the end.


Uhm, not letting you buy everything is one thing, but not letting you accept gifts is another.

he gets promoted, that's fine...you go to the barn he is having second thoughts...hmmmm

I would be livid if my husband told me I could not accept a present from my parents! yes, he has the pride to take care of us, but he also knows when to let go of it.

And tough luck for your Hubby: HE MARRIED A HORSEWOMAN!!! :eek:

he needs to deal with that!

[asb2517]

I just re-read some of the OP's posts. Am I right that her parents offered to pay some of her student loans off? Her husband has no problem with that right?? So, it is okay for him (them) to be indebted to her parents for something like that, but not for something else? I would feel weirder (is that even a word) about my parents paying off one of my actual debts than them essentially buying me a present that has ongoing expenses. But that's just me.

[Anyplace Farm]

Wow - -this is a hot topic. I just scrolled thru and I've never seen so many posters on line at the same time in one thread.

[asb2517]

I think we are alot of women who don't like being told what to do by our men!! :lol: :lol:

[mielikko]

...hubby of OP did not sit down and discuss with her as an adult where they stand so they together made a decision. He told her no. Is she an adult member of the pair or not? He talked to her, they made a decision to get horse and then he just says "no"....
This, to me, is the critical point of the situation. She thought they had already reached a decision together.

Remember, the OP didn't say, "We made a decision, but after reflecting upon it, we agreed that it wasn't a good idea after all." I've been there - it hurts, you feel let down, but at a gut level you know you made a wise decision.

Rather, the OP said they'd agreed to do something and started to pursue it. Her husband then announced that it wasn't going any further. No discussion, no mutual agreement. I've been there, too - it's infuriating, you feel lied to, and you have legitimate doubts about the equality of the relationship.

[Lucassb]

Not disagreeing to be diagreeable...but I would guess with a post on the world wide web titled I Think I'm Going To Cry by a married adult who's a student being supported financially by her husband because he thinks it's a better idea to wait before getting a horse and who doesn't want to lose whatever free time he has with his wife...I;d have to guess that one is a lot more mature than the other. Not meaning to be mean to the OP *at all* since everyone gets disappointed from time to time. I personally just wouldn't tell the whole wide world that I'm crying over this type of scenerio unless I was a young teen. I honestly opened this thread worried that someone's horse or family memeber was seriously injured or ill...I guess I was just surprised that it was a crying thread from a married adult that my financially supporting husband wasn't gung-ho about mom and dad buying a horse.
And if my parents offered me an all expenses paid horse while I had someone else financing my existence...someone I loved enough to marry...I'd thank them profusely and tell them it would be financially irresponsible to get a horse when my husband was supporting me...no matter who is paying for it and if they'd like I'd truly appreciate help with my student loans instead to help me AND my husband out of a financial jam...out of appreciation for what he's doing for me. Because once I was married I wouldn't allow my husband to support me and accept expensive presents from anyone, no matter how much I might want them.
I'm just saying...if I were the financially supporting spouse while one was going school and they were accepting expensive luxury gifts from their parents while I was busting my arse supporting them...gifts that would remove what little pleasurable time I had left to spend with my spouse...I'd be disappointed, shocked and amazed at the lack of respect and appreciation my spouse held me in. And if I found out he was then crying on the world wide web about it...that would *might* push me towards divorce. Not the other way around.
JMHO...and this is in no way a slam against the OP. Who has stated that she understands the reasons her husband has stated and states that her husband isn't horsie but understands and just doesn't feel this is the time for them *as a couple* to add this extra thing into their lives. She sounds understanding...and I should be surprised at the amount of people saying Dump Him...None Of His Business...Controlling...Divorce Him! But sadly...after tons of threads like this...I'm not surprised. :no:

That about sums up my views perfectly. And I'm 42, FWIW. The way I read things, the OP is not contributing to her family's household expenses. Her hubby is footing the whole bill. IF that arrangment (going to school, improving career prospects) is a good thing in the long term FOR THE FAMILY, then that is perfectly reasonable. However, as MistyBlue rightly points out, it could easily lead to resentment. If the OP has the extra time and energy, at least SOME of it might be better spent on a job that will contribute to the family's expenses. Having one partner slaving away while the other plays at an expensive luxury is rather unfair.

[goeslikestink]

op--- wahts he do for a living as you said he drops you of at camp and then he ride b/o neds
and you look after staff and neddys

what are you his slave -- a lower ranking individual - matey whats good for the goose is good for the gander -- get the horse and dont do staff jobs if you doing staff jobns for him
is he paying you-- or is it cheap labour-- arh darling you rdie the lesson horse theres a good girl------------
time to think a bit more i blooming wouldnt be a mat - or fag end

[jme]

I HAVE had to choose! I said "See ya, I'm goin back to the horse show"

While I don't know the OP, I'm hoping for her it doesn't have to be an either/or situation. Being married is good. It's a good balancing act :) I wouldn't want just my horses. They don't fit on the couch. They don't give a hoot about bills, can't pick up my prescription from the pharmacy, and probably shouldn't share a nice bottle of wine.

[J Swan]

Speaking as an old fart that has been married a long time, I can understand how a husband might feel uncomfortable having his wife's parents do for her which he cannot/will not do for her.

Particularly when a couple is first married - severing apron strings is important. Society makes fun of men who have mothers still buying their underwear for them after they're married, or who run home to mama for a good dinner when they've had a fight with their new spouse.

So how is it so different for a man to be upset about a wife who acts in a similar fashion? Sure, it's a horse, but that makes it even worse in some ways - because a horse becomes a burden and responsibility on a new relationship, a relationship that is still developing, establishing boundaries, challenging habits, etc.

So we've got a young married couple that seems to have a lot of things going on - which is certainly normal. But the focus and energy in the marriage should be on establishing a strong relationship - FIRST. Then it can stand life's curve balls and other stresses -which includes horses. Or golf. Or choir. Whatever.

Sorry - that's the way I see it.

[Tucked_Away]

My parent's have offered to pay for one year of my college loans, which I don't know that we will actually hold them to that.

I don't mean to nitpick here, but this sentence really jumped out at me. MaggieMagoo...if your parents are offering to give you things, be it gas money or dinner at their horse or horses or college loans, there's nothing wrong with that at all. If they're in a position to do that sort of thing and if they want to, that's awesome. But please do remember that these things are gifts, and you don't get to "hold [somebody] to" giving you a gift. I'm guessing this was probably just a hasty choice of words, but please be grateful for these gifts, and treat them like what they are: happy offerings from people who love you, but not things that you're entitled to demand.

Not going to get into the controlling vs. not controlling question here except to note that I think vxf111 is onto something important here:

I think there are 2 very distinct issues here:

(1) is this the responsible time for you to be getting a horse, given the finances and timing of your life; and

(2) should you turn down an offer/gift from your parents simply on the basis that your husband wants you to.

Two totally separate issues.

They're not _totally_ separate because you are trying to deal with them both at the same time, but they're not both the same thing, either. Trying to think through each one independently may help you think more clearly about the whole.

My other thought is that as far as the think-of-the-horse-as-an-investment advice goes? I just want to point to this from the OP:

which they said they were ok if later I didn't sell the horse, or if I did then I would pay them back..

This isn't necessarily an investment horse at all.

In other news, I don't know anything about MaggieMagoo's riding background or skills, but I personally would be really, really wary of using the "it's an investment!" approach to convince a reluctant husband. Can she really advance this hypothetical horse to the point where she'll (or her parents will) break even or come out ahead on the sale? Even if she can, horses are horses, and what if (god forbid) something awful happens to the beastie the day after she brings it home?

I bought my own horse at what was not a great time in my life for me to have a horse (in college, but [and this is important] on track to graduate with zero loans). It wasn't the smartest decision I've ever made, but I'd do it again in a flash. So believe me when I say that I totally get wanting one of your own. But as rotten as it is not to have a horse, I'm thinking it'd be even more rotten to find yourself with a pasture potato on your hands, or even one that you're going to take a loss on, _and_ a husband who now feels lied to.

[MissintheSouth]

I just re-read some of the OP's posts. Am I right that her parents offered to pay some of her student loans off? Her husband has no problem with that right?? So, it is okay for him (them) to be indebted to her parents for something like that, but not for something else? I would feel weirder (is that even a word) about my parents paying off one of my actual debts than them essentially buying me a present that has ongoing expenses. But that's just me.

I totally disagree with this. IMO, school is an investment in the future earning potential. If the OP is working to become a pro trainer/rider then I guess I could see how buying a greenie would be investing in her future; but for the most part, horses are a depreciating asset with monthly expenses usually exceeding that of other expenses that fall into that category (cars, credit card debt, etc).

[Wellspotted]

I agree with Shireluver and everyone else who said you have a right to go along with the agreement you and your parents made.

What really got me was your follow-up post about your husband getting a promotion at work. So, he gets a promotion and you're slaving along going to school and not getting any perks?

I've never been married (by choice) so I don't have marriage experience to draw on, but your husband does sound a bit controlling, to say the least. If his ego can't deal with your parents' offer, well, they didn't offer the horse to him!

I wish someone would offer a clinic in retraining for subservient wives. Some of y'all remind me of some OTTBs--in need of real solid TLC and not just learning to accept the authority and strength of "man".

Having just read jme's post, I'll add that I agree that "Being married is good." I wouldn't at all mind being married to a guy who could afford good horses and their board and care, who loved to ride and knew how to, and who loved me (which would include wanting me to be happy, which would include horses.;)

Go for it, girl!

[MistyBlue]

What really got me was your follow-up post about your husband getting a promotion at work. So, he gets a promotion and you're slaving along going to school and not getting any perks?

Not picking on you personally WellSpotted...but his promotion is supporting his wife. He's probably providing the roof over their heads, the medical insurance, the food in the house, the lights and heat and air conditioning, whatever small entertainment they do together, the vehicle expenses including insurance and fuel (few bucks the parents give her aside) and *she's* slaving away at school? She probably wouldn't be able to go to school if someone wasn't supporting her in the meantime unless she stayed at home. She's a married adult...he's the one slaving away and having little time left to spend on his wife and his own hobbies. She has time for school, some work and riding now as it is. She has perks aplenty. :winkgrin:

[MissintheSouth]

What really got me was your follow-up post about your husband getting a promotion at work. So, he gets a promotion and you're slaving along going to school and not getting any perks?

I would consider going to school and not having to work full time while doing so a BIG PERK. Also having (I am assuming) health insurance, a place to live and a companinion who is willing to sacrifice a dual income household in order for the OP to pursue her degree...

[Midge]

MistyBlue said it all.

Let me tell a little story:

I had a friend with wealthy parents. They did all the showing A circuit, indoors, etc. After she became an adult, I thought the folks were involved with her showing a lot, but I guess they enjoyed it, so who am I to judge. She married a smart attractive, interesting guy who, while not wealthy, was a young doctor just out of med school and doing well for himself. She was pursuing a Masters and was out of horses.

Her parents offered her a horse and while she was not aching over the loss of horses in her life, thought it would be fun to have something to ride when her hubby was working odd hospital hours. Hubby was also all for it. Soon, parents were urging her to show and the three of them were back on the circuit. Hubby would have a week-end off and think his wife would be home that week-end, but the 'rents were like, oh but this is a big show and you can win X, etc., etc., etc.

Soon, hubby was out of the picture because his hours sucked and wifey was at the shows even when he was home.

Now, I have no idea if the marriage would have survived anyway. I also can't be sure the 'rents were deliberately sabatoging the marriage or just missed the HS scene with their daughter and got it back without thinking of the marriage. But hubby thought it was deliberate, even while they were great to him. He said he felt they missed their daughter and were determined to get her back.

So, I would question why the parents are putting a wedge in the marriage. They have to realize that a one income household with debt does not need an expensive luxury gift that only benefits one partner. (Investment horse???? You're joking, right?)

In our marriage we try to live by the 'It only takes one to say no.' Granted, we have never refused each other anything, but we are also self-sufficient. We both work full time, contribute equally to the household, and have fun money left over. (Granted, I use up WAY more of the fun money on the horse than he uses. I try to always be aware we could not both have a hobby as expensive as mine.) My hubby would be thrilled to have someone else paying for the horse, because he knows I am completely uncontrollable. However, Mr. Midge retires in less than three years and my horse owning days will be over. It would not be fair to 'our household' for me to continue to use that amount of money for a hobby that benefits only me.

[Coreene]

We only get one life. How sad not to live every minute of it.

[EqTrainer]

Hear hear!
I woke up one day, realiesd I was 40 and man was I bummed I did not do MORE of the things I wanted to do before that day!
Life gets busy, and hectic, and then you have kids and there are no words to describe it. And if hubby is not on board supporting (not financially, emotionally) your dreams... guess who gets to do all the babysitting while hubby goes off to reenact? Now, go look in the mirror.



IMO Angela just laid it right out there :lol:

Women don't seem to realize.. while they are young and following hubby around to his activities, in the name of sharing, that they are training him to think this is just the way it is.

One of my neighbors owns some horses. When I moved here and met her, I tried to make plans to go riding with her more than once. She had a son the same age as LMEqT.. everytime I would call her, she would say "I have to ask (my husband) if he can *babysit*". That just blew my mind. Babysit? Isn't it HIS KID? He had all these activities that he did, and she and the child would go and watch.. but she could not ever seem to schedule a simple afternoon ride.

Really, I think that it was not that important to her, or she would have insisted. But it still wierded me out.

When I was pregnant with both of my kids I went thru a true fear phase where I was terrified I would "become that woman who stopped riding because she had kids". Ok, so I was a little overly paranoid :lol: I rode when I was 8 months pregnant with LMEqT, mostly because of that fear. And I was right back on, two weeks later, mostly because of that fear. But it is so common, and you know.. it is a simple truth - you only live once. If you wait, and wait, and wait.. then it will be over. And you will not have done it.

[TB or not TB?]

If the SO in my life pulled this crap on me, I'd geld him.

More accurately, I would never choose an SO who would do something like this. When it involves your greatest passion in life, being made possible by a rare and incredible gift, you don't wait around and let ANYONE tell you how high to jump (unless it's your trainer telling you to jump that oxer).

And being a poor college student who's had some rough things to overcome these past years, if my parents offered to buy me a horse and pay its expenses, I'd be thanking god every day I had wonderful parents, and about bursting at the seams with joy. A man who put his ego before my happiness would be kicked to the curb in no time flat.

[pony89]

I think it is tremendously sad to see how cynical people are about marriage. I see so many people concerned about "me," and "I," and about getting what they deserve and want.

I didn't get married to continue on my own way doing whatever suited me best, I got married to be a life long partner with my best friend. Sometimes I will get what I want, and sometimes I have to compromise. The idea of ditching a husband because he doesn't understand the horse thing is completely ludicrous to me. To me, you cultivate that relationship above all else. How are you going to deal with the tough times like health issues and job loss if you can't even reach some type of compromise on a luxury item like a horse?

I try to always be so concerned with what is best for us that my husband is never in the position of saying no. When I started riding again, we talked about getting a horse, but I was the one who said, I don't know if we can afford it, I am afraid that it would take too much time away from us. I shouldn't be so interested in getting what I want that I am willing to neglect those things. He ended up going out and surprising me with one anyways, but I still watch those expenses and the time that I spend, so he never gets a chance to even start resenting them. It is because I spend so much time trying to make him happy that he has such a strong desire to make me happy. That is why I have my horse.

I don't understand everyone going off in their own directions trying to make themselves happy. He got me a horse to make me happy. I got him his fixer upper boat to make him happy. And you know what? We both ended up happy, and even more happy because we did it for each other, and not in spite of each other.

And in the interest of statistics, I am 27, and married 6 years this Saturday. :) And for the record, I didn't get the horse until last year, after we were settled and had college under control, both had decent jobs, and we are much more stable and happy for it.

[arena run]

......I can't wait till I'm out of school, I hate that I need to spend all this money to get a job to pay off my school loans and hopefully have a little left over in the end.
I don't really have any advice to offer in the horse or no horse area but... I do want to say this.

The one thing I've learned about life is that it is what it is. It is not what it will become. It is not what it was... it is --- what it is.

One can become so embroiled waiting for ______ (fill in the blank) to happen that we cease living 'now'. Please don't do this. If you get the horse - great. If you don't get the horse - great. But don't pin your hopes on some distant future day when you will 'start living'. Live what you've got.




I'm with the club that thinks this sounds like the typical controlling husband horse issue.
I prefer the type of husband who says "oh.. is that a new one?" and keeps doing whatever he was doing.
*waves hand wildly* :D That's the one I've got! Although he did draw the line at the mule molly we'd have to haul home from Memphis (6hr drive). sylvia

[Angela Freda]

I think it is tremendously sad to see how cynical people are about marriage. I see so many people concerned about "me," and "I," and about getting what they deserve and want.

I didn't get married to continue on my own way doing whatever suited me best, I got married to be a life long partner with my best friend.

I think I got this from a movie.. who knows.
This is how I see marriage:
"Having a witness to my life"

Horses are not what suit me best. They are not something I do. They are part of who I am.
Hubby knew that when he married me and we had our son.
So why does he NOW try to change it?
And how is that right?

[TB or not TB?]

I don't understand everyone going off in their own directions trying to make themselves happy. He got me a horse to make me happy. I got him his fixer upper boat to make him happy. And you know what? We both ended up happy, and even more happy because we did it for each other, and not in spite of each other.


See, that's wonderful. And if the OP's husband had said "Gosh honey, you love horses so much, we'll make it work no matter what!" we'd be praising him as hubby of the year. If your husband had said to you "No, you can't have a horse," after you'd already done the boat thing with him, how would you feel? It would be TOTALLY different if he said something like "Sweet heart, I know you want a horse so much, but I just don't think we can afford it. Do you think for right now we could figure out a different way for you to ride until we're a little more on our feet?"

But he didn't say that. He told her what she could and could not do. "No, you can't accept a gift from your parents." That's not about marriage, that's about the guy flexing his muscles over his woman. I'd rather end up an old maid with 20 horses than be in a marriage where I was not an equal.

For those who are counting, age 22, longest relationship was 4 years, and now that man is my best friend.

[MaggieMagoo]

Thanks everyone for your advise. I think I'm going to plan a camping trip for the two of us, no cell phones, no anything, just us so we can sit down and really hash out what we both want.

We have been married 2 yrs, not long I know, and have been together about 4 1/2. I think that we both have been under a lot of stress and this morning was a culmanation of a lot of things.

I'm trying not to come off as some sort of brat but it is really disappointing that I have shared so much with him and then he doesn't want to share with me. Yes he pays the bills, I can't find a job other than my work study at the Civil War center because of my hours and he doesn't want me (and neither do I) working weekends since that is the only time we have together. I did have a job, at FedEx as a package handler (great exercise) with him for a year but then I had to quit with his promotion. I tried finding a new job with no luck. That is when he said don't worry about it.

I love him dearly he is my best friend. But he has been doing this more and more lately where he agrees with me and then later changes his mind then gets upset with me because I'm upset. Like doing something, or not doing something, saying sorry then getting upset that I'm still upset...but it's not man upset but like he is disappointed in himself.... is that understandable? But then he does it again, and again.

I think that a weekend away will help out... that way neither of us can leave. haha. I don't think he is telling what is on his mind and it's not helping us at all.

[J Swan]

Well - that makes more sense than taking some of the advice given here - to dump the guy.

For some reason people think the first few years of marriage are supposed to be some sort of idyllic experience. It is in some ways - but for God's sake it's going to take the rest of your lives to really know each other.

Each partner is going to give and take at different times - right now I'm not thinking the guy is "flexing muscle" so much as just having some sort of trouble communicating.

Work on the marriage first - doing so doesn't mean you give up on your dreams or goals. For all you know - he's just upset that your parents are wanting to help you out and he feels very conflicted about it.

Hardly worth dumping the guy over that.

It's possible to pursue all your horse goals and have a great marriage. It's not one or the other.

[jmjhp]

I'm with the club that thinks this sounds like the typical controlling husband horse issue.

I prefer the type of husband who says "oh.. is that a new one?" and keeps doing whatever he was doing.

agree!

[HunterEqrider27]

Well I can see both sides really, Men have an enormous amount of pride, my husband is the same way:rolleyes: But I love him. Anyways maybe sitting down with him and really expressing how you feel may help. I think it is wonderful for your parents to offer you this kind of gift and really I think it is a gift that you can both benefit from, your parents want to do this for you because they love you and they know how much horses mean to you, and at the same time maybe they want to do this for him so that he does not have to worry about supporting a habit that they know is very expensive. In my opinion its a win win situation. However I also think that if the time you are spending with your husband is already limited than maybe now is not the time to buy a horse, maybe wait until next semester and lighten your course load to allow for time at the barn without taking time away from your husband. Sometimes people find fault with other things but they really are upset or scared about something else, most men dont like to admit that they have feelings. Good Luck:)

[Briggsie]

Maybe I'm old fashioned too...but I'm with the Not Until You're Done With School and Loans crowd.
This is an adult...married...and in school. With debt. Marriages do mean being mature and compromising from time to time. And I don't believe this is a case of the wife compromising with a husband's controlling issues...it sounds more like a very mature husband coping with a wife who still wants mom and dad to support her fun. If the parents are willing to purchase you a horse...ask instead for help with education loans or anything to help get you and hubby out of debt.
Nothing wrong with parents buying you a horse...but it would be immature to accept such an expensive gift when:
1) You're in school
2) You admit to you and spouse not having much time with one another
3) You're in debt
If the wife was supporting the husband while he was in school and the wife never saw the husband or spent time with him...how would the wife feel if the husband's parents bought him a boat and took him out every spare moment to go boating/fishing. (if, say, wife hates boats or has seasickness issues) In Laws spent a butt load of money on a boat for their son, takes away their sons few free moments to spend with his wife and now the hubby never sees his wife, is accruing debt, wife is supporting hubby, etc, etc....we have to mentally put the shoe on the other foot in all fairness.
Everytime I see a spouse thread on this BB...I cringe a little bit. There's always such a huge chorus of voices jumping in ranting the husband is controlling, mean, evil, should be an ex, shouldn't want time with his wife, should be happy to stay in debt so wife can enjoy a luxury, etc, etc. Ladies...not everyone wants to divorce a perfectly sane spouse just because many of you did over a large furry very expensive pet. The OP stated her husband is otherwise wonderful...and his worries seem rather ligitimate to me and to the OP. Why would so many want her to end a happy marriage over a horse they cannot afford at a time when they're in debt? What if the new horse develops a surgical colic...are mom and dad going to happily pay a $10k or more vet bill? How beholden does this man need to be made to feel to his in laws? Why are the wife's feelings put sooo much ahead of the husbands when he's not being unreasonable? This isn't over a necessary thing like transportation...this is over a horse. Sure we all love horses and it's all our passions...but honestly, if the spouse isn't an abusive drunken freak and if the two love each other is it really worth it to advise her to divorce him and allow mummy and daddy to give her a horsie? :confused:
I've never read a more husband-hating BB than this one. Believe me...I'm no Stand By Your Man sap...I've got a brass set of ovaries as big as hubby's wedding tackle but I still tend to take his feelings into consideration...as he does mine. :cool:

Hugs to you, but.....
Agree, agree, agree.

I was a kid with a mom who never gave two shits about me or what I did with my life....so long as I moved out when I was 18. Horses? nope...mom would rather spend my dead fathers trust fund, and nice cars than ever dream of showing up to the barn (where I shleeped around kids on ponies to earn "points" for riding lessons) or send me to college...........

Joined the army at 17, 26 now...but have what I want, two horses, a house, a truck and trailer, a degree. None of this was funded by my mom......and attained all of my desires, after the necessary boxes were checked...MYSELF.

Be thankful you have such wonderful parents and a husband who supports you while you get your degree....and that you did not have to wear combat boots and spend months on lengthy deployments to get a college education.....

at this point in your life, horses, as much as I hate to say, should be your secondary concern. Sacrifice now is the only thing that will give you abundance later.

[cuatx55]

Marriage is hard when one person is still tied to the parents, emotionally and/or financially. It sounds like there is a lot of resentment from the husband on this, I can't entirely blame him. He doesn't sound supportive and that is not good, but does he HAVE to support everything? He's trying to be financially responsible/independent. Is that a bad thing? He seems supportive of the horses in GENERAL, but not this particular endeavor.


You need to decide if you want to be fully independent, it seems like you are enjoying it to the fullest. But there will be trade-offs in the marriage. Should you go ahead with out her husbands support? Maybe, but there will be price to pay. Only the OP can decide what she wants to risk in her marriage. If he's controlling by nature then she needs to get into some serious therapy and make some dramatic changes.

Being mature in a relationship means compromise and seeing things from your partners' point of view no matter if you agree with it or not.

[Briggsie]

We only get one life. How sad not to live every minute of it.


I would think in the OP's case, sounds like she is living it up. Other people have it far worse, and are much more appreciative, and don't know how they are going to buy their next tank of gas, clothe their children, let alone feed themselves.........and

[jme]

Maggie- Yeah, go on your camping trip. Hopefully it will be fun. That will show him that you are trying to do something with him too. But don't make it seem like the reason you're going is to discuss the horse. Go to spend time with him. I actually suggest talking about the horse thing at home one last time, possibly before you go. Know what *you* want before you discuss it, let him have his say and then go and do what you're gonna do. Either decide to get the horse or not get the horse and move on with your life.

My husband really wasn't keen on my horse at first and like I said, he sure wasn't happy about the second. However, as he started to discover that the horses had something to give back, even to him, those not-so-happy feelings started to melt away.

My husband learned that it was neat that a big animal would take an interest in him or that he could lead around such a large creature with a lead rope or help it face fear. When we taught our new (young) horse to load into the trailer without any drama, we high fived each other. However, there are days when he also asks if we can please not do horse stuff.

I don't want a robot husband who says, "Yes dear, bring them all home dear." Our 20 acres would be filled to the gills with horses. But I love that we are having this great adventure together. It IS possible, but it requires a lot of give and take.


Be thankful you have such wonderful parents and a husband who supports you while you get your degree....and that you did not have to wear combat boots and spend months on lengthy deployments to get a college education.....

In response to Briggsie- WOW. You are amazing. Seriously, what you've done is completely awesome. But I have to disagree on something- the thing is, the OP said that she had a good job, but due to her husband's promotion she had to quit. He told her that she shouldn't worry about getting a job. That, in my mind, says that she shouldn't punish herself for not working. It is his choice to be the bread winner.

[A Horse of Course]

From your last post, my advice is couple's counseling. I really strongly advice that. And not because I think your relationship is falling apart. For some reason, so many people think that the reason to go to counseling is when it really is starting to fall apart.

Not so, not so. I would go much sooner, in order to figure out how to communicate in a haelthy and effective way, to try and break patterns of behaviour that negatively affect the relationship, and how to compromise in a fair way.

Good Luck!

[sofiethewonderhorse]

I would love to get the age bracket of each response!!


A poll is in order...want to bet that the 'control freak' group are 40+

[MistyBlue]

I'm 38...so under 40 by a tad bit.
Funny since I assumed all the "leave him, run, you should get everything your way all the time" group was under 30...or not married. :winkgrin:

[paw]

Thanks everyone for your advise. I think I'm going to plan a camping trip for the two of us, no cell phones, no anything, just us so we can sit down and really hash out what we both want.

This sounds like an excellent idea. As J Swan suggests, the first couple of years in a marriage can be some of the most difficult, especially if you're young and have never been married before. Trying to figure out who you are in the context of the marriage, learning to negotiate, communicate effectively, and truly listen to what your spouse says isn't easy for most of us.

I do see a potential red flag in your husband's reverses of direction on the horse issue, but it's worth getting to the bottom of this now rather than you (and perhaps your husband) having some resentment festering over whatever winds up happening. He may just be being young, too...

So, talk it out. But make it clear, if horses are a necessary thing in your life, that he's going to have to accept that (even if you two jointly decide not to take your folks up on their offer at the moment). Figure out how you can both have what you want in your relationship.

Good luck!

[jme]

A poll is in order...want to bet that the 'control freak' group are 40+

I'm 30 and while my responses haven't been control freak-like, I am a TOTAL control freak. I am in a 12 step program :lol:

One of the steps in the program is getting a horse.

[paw]

I'm 38...so under 40 by a tad bit.
Funny since I assumed all the "leave him, run, you should get everything your way all the time" group was under 30...or not married. :winkgrin:

Hah - no. 46 here, on my second marriage (but the first didn't fail over the horse issue at all). I just hate to see couples where both don't fully support each other's happiness. Marriage is not a place for control freaks (of any gender).

[Wild Oaks Farm]

[quote=mielikko;2707148]I'm confused. Your parents offered, in essence, to give you a gift (horse + all expenses). Why does your husband get to decide whether or not you can accept? quote]

Well, if the parents don't make the board payment one month and it falls on you...or if the OP falls in love with the horse and can't sell him...or if the horse "needs" a new bridle...who is going to pick up those expenses? Probably the OP and her hubby. Getting a horse is a big decision and I think, in all fairness, he SHOULD have some say in it.

This is coming from someone who got a "free" horse whose expenses I didn't have to pay...but essentially ended up paying quite a bit for for various reasons. Mr. WOF would say the same thing.

BUT...now we are older, more settled, better off financially...and we have three horses and two donkeys!! You'll have a horse of your own before you know it.

[Coreene]

I would think in the OP's case, sounds like she is living it up. Other people have it far worse, and are much more appreciative, and don't know how they are going to buy their next tank of gas, clothe their children, let alone feed themselves.........andRead back over what I said, which was "We only get one life. How sad not to live every minute of it," not "live it up."

I lost six friends this year, a cousin two weeks ago, and will lose three more before the year is over. "Lost" as in dead. I know that some had great regrets about not having done what they truly wanted to do, because someone else whined about it.

I was almost killed 11 years ago in a terrible riding accident. Every day after that is an extra bonus, and a most gracious gift. Life is precious, and you only get one. I would not want to look back at it and think that I had lost all those years because of what someone else told me to do.

[SuperSpike]

Life is precious, and you only get one. I would not want to look back at it and think that I had lost all those years because of what someone else told me to do.

Exactly.

[goeslikestink]

i bet he takes his cell phone -- have a good week end and good luck marriage is always a bed of roses sometimes it has thorns in it x

[Briggsie]

Read back over what I said, which was "We only get one life. How sad not to live every minute of it," not "live it up."

I lost six friends this year, a cousin two weeks ago, and will lose three more before the year is over. "Lost" as in dead. I know that some had great regrets about not having done what they truly wanted to do, because someone else whined about it.

I was almost killed 11 years ago in a terrible riding accident. Every day after that is an extra bonus, and a most gracious gift. Life is precious, and you only get one. I would not want to look back at it and think that I had lost all those years because of what someone else told me to do.

Coreene.......no snarkiness meant to you :) I know what you were trying to say, I just wanted to supplement what I thought you may have meant.....by saying she is doing just what exactly what you said...and had very little to actually complain about, at least regarding the sitauation she presented. That was all...sorry.

I am sorry you have been through so much. I agree with you very much. My brother is being deployed to Iraq for the 2nd time, and I work in a job where I write about people who will lead a horrible life and never know what it is like to love passionately and do better for the human race......

What you said made me think of my little sister, in her exhausing fight with Brain cancer. She does not talk to me, and will probably never realize this...and of all the things I have endured in my short life, she gives me the strength to suck it up when I want to pull my lip over my head and swallow....and just be gratefull I am able bodied. She is my drive to make a positive difference in the life of at least one person a day....even if I am having a rotten day. Good luck to you and keeping you in my prayers.

[Coreene]

Coreene.......no snarkiness meant to you :) I know what you were trying to say, I just wanted to supplement what I thought you may have meant.....by saying she is doing just what exactly what you said...and had very little to actually complain about, at least regarding the sitauation she presented. That was all...sorry.

I am sorry you have been through so much. I agree with you very much. My brother is being deployed to Iraq for the 2nd time, and I work in a job where I write about people who will lead a horrible life and never know what it is like to love passionately and do better for the human race......

What you said made me think of my little sister, in her exhausing fight with Brain cancer. She does not talk to me, and will probably never realize this...and of all the things I have endured in my short life, she gives me the strength to suck it up when I want to pull my lip over my head and swallow....and just be gratefull I am able bodied. She is my drive to make a positive difference in the life of at least one person a day....even if I am having a rotten day. Good luck to you and keeping you in my prayers.Oh Briggsie, none taken. No worries my dear. Prayers to your sister as well in her brave battle. :sadsmile: She is lucky to have you, too. :yes:

[Nezzy]

Financially, it might be the wrong time to do this, however, i would make it known to hubby that there WILL be a horse in your future whether he likes it or not. and maybe for now you can ride other horses, exercise for others, etc..i think you might need to focus on School and hubby right now, but i do think planning a horse for your future would be a good goal.

[J Swan]

A poll is in order...want to bet that the 'control freak' group are 40+

Nope - I'm over 40.

Like Mistyblue - I had assumed the "dump him/control freak" folks were the youngsters in the group.

Didn't sound to me like the guy was a control freak. Sounds to me like they are a young couple with a heck of a lot more important things to focus on than mommy and daddy buying their little girl a horsie.

It also sounds like the guy is working his butt off trying to support his family and doesn't really appreciate his wife hanging on to her mommy's apron strings.

Couples need to establish themselves as their own family - and work on that FIRST. There is a time and place for everything - including horses. Vacations. Boats. Whatever each person wants to pursue for their personal fulfillment.

The OP sounds a bit spoiled - if hubby won't buy her a horsie - she'll run to mommy and daddy. How do you think that makes a spouse feel, especially when he's footing the bill for everything?

I'm not saying give up horses - nor not living life to its fullest. But there is something to be said for working towards a goal yourself - and not relying on others.

Personally - I'd rather neglect the entire world rather than my spouse. My spouse feels the same way. So we've worked very hard to accommodate his and my needs and wants - and guess what. We're both happy and we wouldn't change a thing.

But it took time - and one path to success was not piling on stresses and burdens in the name of self gratification.

[King's Ransom]

GLS said it best. Your parents are making this offer for a reason. And crying that your husband wont' "allow" you do / have something ... is not a very mature way to respond. He is your husband -- but whether "we" (on CoTH) agree with his "decision" or not (as in, maybe it is best for you to wait ... or not ...) the fact is that he is foisting his choice on her and telling her what to do. That's not right. The same as her foisting her choices on him and telling him what to do would not be right. If you two discuss it and come to a mutual agreement (not you being bullied into agreeing, but really agreeing ... or agreeing or disagree) -- that's one thing. But for him to say you can or cannot, is just wrong. Same way I hate to hear men say they have to ask their wives if they can do something -- it's one thing to check a schedule and make sure the kids are not left home alone, but adults don't have to ask "permission" from other adults. Adults are capable of making responsible decisions on their own ... and responsible means considering everyone's feelings, needs, wants and desires.

Personally (and my opinion matters not!) I think it's great of your parents to offer to buy and support the horse so that you will have an outlet, as GLS wrote. I suspect they will feel rebuffed by your husband's choice to intervene ... and that may be what he is wanting. Maybe not. But my suggestion is to rise to the occasion and not cry about it. Tell your husband you are not asking his permission, but you would like his opinion ... which you will consider in your decision.

[Jsalem]

Over 40 here and I don't think hubby is a bad guy. I think he's trying to be grown up and responsible. HOWEVER, I would personally have a really hard time "being told no." I'm ashamed to say I'm in the the stomp my feet and do as I please camp. Not the best course for the old marriage.

How about you defer the horse ownership until you've met certain financial goals? Go on the camping trip and come up with a plan. You don't have a horse....yet.

[ReeseTheBeast]

Very, VERY well said, King's Ransom :yes:

[BumbleBee]

MistyBlue- Usually I find your posts insightful and enjoyable I know we all come from different lives who formed our oppinions so while you may may see things different I hope you wont hold it against the rest of us for disagreeing.

Not disagreeing to be diagreeable...but I would guess with a post on the world wide web titled I Think I'm Going To Cry by a married adult who's a student being supported financially by her husband because he thinks it's a better idea to wait before getting a horse and who doesn't want to lose whatever free time he has with his wife...I;d have to guess that one is a lot more mature than the other. Not meaning to be mean to the OP *at all* since everyone gets disappointed from time to time. I personally just wouldn't tell the whole wide world that I'm crying over this type of scenerio unless I was a young teen. I honestly opened this thread worried that someone's horse or family memeber was seriously injured or ill...I guess I was just surprised that it was a crying thread from a married adult that my financially supporting husband wasn't gung-ho about mom and dad buying a horse.

This is a bit close minded you do not know the OP history, her emotional health, or her current circumstances. Mocking her for being close to tears or even in hysterics isn't fair. She could be in a very stressful patch of her life or depressed due to all the changes/pressures in her life. You might not have needed anyone to cheer you(parents are obviously trying to make her happy) on in your early adult life but MANY of us have. I know for many years I was close to suicide because of the whacked circumstances of my youth. My doctor actually encouraged my mother to let me have a horse when I was 19 and in collage. We were tight money wise but at the time my depression was so bad I didn't eat, sleep, talk... I wasn't sure it was a good idea to spend the money every month but it literally kept me hanging on and gave me a ray of hope that even for an hour a day I could stop hating myself, and just be okay.

And if my parents offered me an all expenses paid horse while I had someone else financing my existence...someone I loved enough to marry...I'd thank them profusely and tell them it would be financially irresponsible to get a horse when my husband was supporting me...no matter who is paying for it and if they'd like I'd truly appreciate help with my student loans instead to help me AND my husband out of a financial jam...out of appreciation for what he's doing for me. Because once I was married I wouldn't allow my husband to support me and accept expensive presents from anyone, no matter how much I might want them. But obviously you don't see the horse as a NEED but a WANT. I meet so many people in the boarding barns that rely on the horses for their sanity. Not all of us are as well adjusted as you.


I'm just saying...if I were the financially supporting spouse while one was going school and they were accepting expensive luxury gifts from their parents while I was busting my arse supporting them...gifts that would remove what little pleasurable time I had left to spend with my spouse...I'd be disappointed, shocked and amazed at the lack of respect and appreciation my spouse held me in. And if I found out he was then crying on the world wide web about it...that would *might* push me towards divorce. Not the other way around.

Thank God my DH just wants me to be happy as if he were as tough as you we wouldn't have the incredibly wonderful marriage(8yrs) we have and I wouldn't be the happiest I have been in my 30 on this planet.




JMHO...and this is in no way a slam against the OP. Who has stated that she understands the reasons her husband has stated and states that her husband isn't horsie but understands and just doesn't feel this is the time for them *as a couple* to add this extra thing into their lives. She sounds understanding...and I should be surprised at the amount of people saying Dump Him...None Of His Business...Controlling...Divorce Him! But sadly...after tons of threads like this...I'm not surprised. :no:

I don't think this board is particularly husband hating maybe we have seen things in life that make us believe someone who loves us should help us be happy especially if it isn't any extra bother for them.

FWIW I put my husband through school even though I was still emotionally struggling. Quite honestly the time with him and the horse were all that kept me going but I NEVER would have denied him an extravagance I couldn't afford if his parents provided it and it made him happy. Him being happy made me happy.

JMTC

[veebug22]

First off, I understand your disappointment. It's always fun to horse shop. I want to bring them ALL home!

But wait a second... I don't agree with the "screw your husband, it's your decision" kind of thing being posted by others. I think your husband feels like he's being undercut a bit by your parents and their generosity and doesn't want you to rely on their financial support. Not only that, we ALL know that owning a horse is more than just board, or even the farrier and vet bills. There are going to be additional costs. It's difficult for very experienced people who buy and sell all the time to cover their costs and make money in sale horses. You never know. The horse could have a freak accident tomorrow. You are playing roulette with your parents' cash -- this is probably what bothers your husband. To be honest, it is what would bother me. That is why I'm not keen on borrowing money for a sale horse. This isn't the horse of your lifetime... other sale horses will come up down the road, and you can buy and sell them yourself, without asking other people to put up the money and take risks with you. Whatever insecurities your husband may have, count yourself lucky that you have a husband who wants to set time aside for you to spend together. This is your marriage. Too many people have divorced over horses. Yes the horses are important, but there will be another sale horse in a couple years' time -- your husband is supposed to be your one and only. My husband and I definitely argue over horses and finances. But I made promises to him, and I feel that he is the love of my life, and he has made sacrifices for me. This isn't about men vs. women. I wouldn't say, "Screw what you think, deal with it" to a female friend either. Not only that, you have to go HOME to him every night. Do you want the stress of arguing over finances and horses? Rather than say, "Screw him, make independent decisions," I think the more "independent" woman would wait until she could pay for the horse herself and gain the full rewards. Trust me, it's much more rewarding.

[veebug22]

We have seen things in life that make us believe someone who loves us should help us be happy especially if it isn't any extra bother for them.

FWIW I put my husband through school even though I was still emotionally struggling. Quite honestly the time with him and the horse were all that kept me going but I NEVER would have denied him an extravagance I couldn't afford if his parents provided it and it made him happy. Him being happy made me happy.

JMTC

I completely agree -- but couldn't you find that horsey time with a lease or something where you don't have full responsibility for all the extra expenses that come up in owning a horse? Are your parents willing to pay for everything?? New blankets, new tack, etc. etc?

[SuperSpike]

[quote=veebug22;2707844] I wouldn't say, "Screw what you think, deal with it" to a female friend either. quote]

Yep, that's good advice for the OP's husband.

Only the OP knows if she's truly able to have a horse right now. That's not the issue (IMO). The issue is her husband dictating to her what she can and cannot do.

[BumbleBee]

We only get one life. How sad not to live every minute of it.

:D:D I agree with this 100%.

[Angela Freda]

I would guess with a post on the world wide web titled I Think I'm Going To Cry by a married adult who's a student being supported financially by her husband because he thinks it's a better idea to wait before getting a horse and who doesn't want to lose whatever free time he has with his wife...I;d have to guess that one is a lot more mature than the other.
Crying is a way of expressing emotions. Old people do it and so do young people, regardless of maturity.
I do not think she is crying because "gosh (stomp foot) she is not getting her horsey!"
I think she is understandably confused, and maybe frustrated that at first he agreed and now decided 'NO'- without a discussion to let her state her case, or understand his case. You say that he thinks it's better to wait because of XYZ. BUT he did not say that to her... he gave her no reason (at least from what I read, did I miss that?) and THAT certainly could be upsetting.
I have cried over far less... but then I am hormonal- and that has EVERYTHING to do with maturing. :wink:

[Briggsie]

Okay, to get this back on track....and I am guilty too.....
the poor girl probably did not jump on here to be chastized.....she probably feels bad enough. Regardless of how we all feel,

She needs just a nudge of support, and now we have voiced our reason.....

so back to the OP, HUGS to you and here is to hoping you get to the happy place in your life and get your horse one day!

[Trakehner]

"So I just feel like crying because this has happened before. I know where he is coming from, really I do, right now *we* can't afford a horse. I know that. I know that we would be relying on my parents for the money for it. I know it makes him uncomfortable to think that he can't pay for everything since I'm in college and don't have a job besides work study. I know. I just got my hopes up I guess."

OK...you're in college and not bringing in any money to speak of. College is an expense, apartments/houses are an expense, so is food, clothes, lights and water, gasoline, books, medical etc...you've got studying to do, college to attend, work/study to deal with...and then the marriage.

Be a woman and a wife and partner and not a little girl. You're married not Mommy and Daddy's worry any more. They're setting your husband up to be the bad guy..."But my parents will buy me steak and I don't like the burger you buy for dinner..you won't have to pay, they'll buy it for me". Get the idea? You won't go blind without a horse, finish college, get a job then when you guys can afford it, buy or lease a horse.

If you want to be a bitter and unhappy person, just listen to the suggestions of "is he your father?" and "kick him to the curb, if anyone ever told me what to do etc. etc. etc.", the standard party line. You know your husband's right and you have adult responsiblities to your marriage, your education and your future. Vet bills, farrier, tack, riding kit, trainers and shows will all follow later.

Good luck, but your parents are really being weenies with their free gift...sometimes parents hate to give up control of their kids, even when they're adults.

[BelladonnaLily]

Haven't read past page 4 but for those that simply think this is between a girl and her parents, what happens when parents decide to drop it on her? Because girl didn't do what they wanted, or they run into financial difficulty, or for whatever reason! Who has to pick up the tab until something happens...if you read this board regularly, then you know how often shit happens with horses (and even more often with horses and parents!). Husband KNOWS he'll have to pay for it and doesn't feel like they are in a place where this is a good idea. And it can be hard to sell a nice horse...it may not be that simple just to sell it quickly (what happens if it gets injured?) Girl can't pick up the tab because she has no income...she is in college and being support by her husband who, accordingly to most on this board, should have no say in the matter!

I still say to girl, finish school and get a job and pay for your own horse.

[J Swan]

Thank you, Trak!

Every time I wonder why most marriages end in divorce - I visit threads like these.

Cut the apron strings, kid. When I was younger than you I had a husband fighting in a war and I was working 2 jobs trying to make ends meet. Then he got to hold the fort while I went away and played soldier. Then he became seriously ill. I nursed him all night and worked my butt of during the day.

Big deal if we had to work and wait to enjoy the fruits of our labor. We sat down and thought of ways to save towards our goals, and then worked together to attain them.

The key word is "together" - and that doesn't include your parents.

Good luck.

[WildBlue]

My sympathy to the OP--it really sucks to get disappointed. And I hope that you and your husband can take positive steps to deal with the behaviour more or less described as him agreeing and then backing out.

I'm going to point something out that I think you already know: you're in a marriage and are supposed to be partners, and your parents need to respect that and butt out. I'm sure they mean well, but they really are crossing the line between a gift and 'too much'. A saddle or a dozen riding lessons is a gift. Proposing long-term financial support for something you want and can't afford... That's a different kettle of fish, and something that usually causes a lot of problems in the recipient's marriage.

[nevertoolate]

I don't normally get involved on this type of thread, but feel the need to post (of course, that could be due to the merlot!). Having been married for over 20 years, and just fulfilling my lifelong dream to have my own horse last year, I'm in the group that sides with the husband on this one. I don't recall if you posted your age, but it seems you are still fairly young and haven't been married very long. You're still going to school, which takes a lot of time and effort, and it sounds as though your schedule and your husbands schedule doesn't always match. I can understand why he is hesitant for you to take up your parents offer. A horse is a big commitment, even if mom and dad are still footing the bills - you will be footing the time commitment, and if your husband isn't a horse person, he will have a hard time understanding. Much like it sounds you no longer enjoy going on re-enactments with him, and possibly resenting the time spent there? Why does it have to be completely one way or the other? Marriage is about compromise - at least if you want it to work. Do you have to own a horse? Could your parents help with a half lease? That way you have a horse to ride, but not necessarily the same time and potential cost investments. And let him go on his re-enactments on his own - encourage it because he enjoys it - and while he is doing that, you go to the barn and ride. Then try and find something you both enjoy doing together...because you do need to have that time together. Best of luck!!

[MistyBlue]

BumbleBee...I certainly don't hold anything against anyone for disagreeing on a thread. :) I'm a pretty laid back type of personality and almost always in a good mood. (which gets rather sickening to others around me at times, LOL)
I do understand both sides/points of view on this thread. The thing that I guess I could say "bothers" me is that so many immediately assume the worst of the husband and then so nonchalantly try to convince someone to leave a marriage over this. The way I read the OP's posts were that this is a stinky situation for her since she can't have what she truly wants badly right now, but that it's probably not the best time to add a financial and emotional burden to a young marriage. And let's face reality here...;)..Mom and Dad are most likely not going to front every dime towards the horse. A huge unexpected vet bill...maybe some chiropractic or massage work, saddle fitting or new saddle, all trips to tack shop, fly spray, all the necessary supplies that tend to run out, boots, sheets, blankets, new bridle that was on sale, things are going well...let's hit a small show, needs training, comes up lame and needs special shoeing, etc. These will be financial burdens on a family with a single income and already in debt.
Also...with the emotional outlet...nobody *needs* a horse unless they're running the Pony Express. Yes, many think (and some rightly so) that having their own horse is somewhat therapuetic. However, if someone has truly diagnosed and serious emotional issues...the last thing they need is a large financial burden for therapy. They need actual therapy. They can have both...but if the finances only allow one or the other in choice...I would hope someone with serious emotional issues chooses to go for therapy and not burdening themselves with a horse instead.

Please don't assume by my somewhat "no-nonsense" approach to reality that I've had an easy life and am as tough as nails or uncaring. If I didn't care...I wouldn't have bothered to type out so many long posts on this thread. :winkgrin: No, in the general scheme of things and all things considered...I've not had life easy at all either. I could tell tales that would make your hair curl...which didn't work for me. All's the pity since I'd like curly hair. :lol: And all at a young age. According to statistics...I should be an alcoholic, drug addicted and emotionally verklempt mess by this age. Unless you have an actual chemical imbalance...maturity is not hard. Emotions can be controlled when necessary. Even in menopause. :D (yup, in that now)

My SO wants me to be happy too...to the point where he does offer often to get things he knows I'll love and appreciate and I have to tell him No. Because it's not responsible financially. Sure...I'd have loved that King Ranch he wanted to get me....but no way was I saddling us with that kind of truck payment. Sure I'd have adored that Lusitano he knew I was eyeing...but IMO it's next to insane to spend that on a horse cuz it's pretty. :eek: (okay...I think I'm certifiably insane reading this back to myself...what the hell's wrong with me? ;) )

I think the main point myself and others are trying to point out is:
She's riding now at a barn. She's in college. She has a home, vehicle, etc all the things necessary to survive. She's married. She's an adult. She's not going to be in school foever. She's not "going without" much of anything except actual equine ownership. Her husband never said she could never have a horse at all. Her husband knows darned well (as does the OP most likely) that the parents will not be paying every tiny little thing for the horse. OP admits this will take what little free time they have together away and also states quite plainly that she knows they rarely spend time together now as it is and both her and husband would like more time for each other. She'll graduate end of next year according to her posts...
She can afford a horse or even better afford a gift horse at that time without the worry of financially strapping her husband and herself should anything with the parents fall short. She'll have more free time out of school to spend with said new horse *and* husband. I don't think it's evil of the husband to want to wait...and I don't think it's going to cause an emotional melt down if she waits or damage her psyche in any way. It's the responsible thing to do...wait a short time. A year of waiting is better than possibly undermining your marriage. JMHO.

[TwoArabs]

Don't have any sage advice, but must tell you my story. I bought my first horse at age 39 after many years of living for others (ex husbad & kid) all of whom were out of the nest when I bought the horse. It so happens that I was engaged when I bought the horse. Shortly my fiance stated that he did not appreciate the time spent at the barn and broke off the engagement. a few years later we reconciled. All was going well until I was dx'd with a progressive neurological condition and he bolted for good. I'm 56 and not a youngester. Selfishness doesn't change, I waited all my life for a horse and I wouldn't have missed the opportunity for anything. My horses have given me so much more than any relationship Take thus for what it is worth.

[hosspuller]

I agree with Shireluver and everyone else who said you have a right to go along with the agreement you and your parents made.

What really got me was your follow-up post about your husband getting a promotion at work. So, he gets a promotion and you're slaving along going to school and not getting any perks?



Having had a few "promotions" in a career... They are NOT fun. They usually involve more work and stress. Sometimes a lot more work & stress! A person usually accepts a promotion for the added income $$$$. (At least I did, there wasn't more fun) The OP isn't sharing the load of providing for the marriage. And most posters are advocating spending $$$$ besides the $$$ parents give... No wonder there are a bunch of refugees of failed marriages on this board.

She'll be deciding the future of her marriage along with horse or no horse at this time. I predict a short marriage if the horse enters it at this stage of their life.

I hope she choses well.

[sidepasser]

I am of the mind that it isn't so much the horse and whether the OP can "have it" or not, but the way her husband decided that "yes you can" then "no you can't". Doesn't sound like they discussed anything, he just made the decision and that was that. Maybe I am wrong, but that hardly seems fair to the OP regardless of whether she would have gotten the horse or not, it should have been discussed.

I am from the self reliant school. I paid my own way through college and worked full time, I had twin daughters that were crawling when I started school and in Pre K when I got out. I worked during the day and went to college and night two days a week from 6 -10 pm and took a day class during lunch. I studied from the time the girls were in bed until I fell asleep. I made good grades.

I also had my horse. I paid for my horse's upkeep, my kids upkeep (no child support as the ex refused to pay..) and I paid for my house rent, and all other expenses.

I ate mac and cheese..I had very little free time until I finished school..

but I don't regret the horse. I have always had a horse. But here's the thing: I had horses but never could afford to take lessons after the girls started riding..I paid for their lessons and their horses and their shows..one of the things about waiting to learn something till one is older is that it is much harder, way harder than one ever thought. So now I am taking lessons - lol.

The logical procession is to finish college, get a job, and then a house and then buy a horse. But if you get pregnant..well there goes that horse (sorry but I see the ads daily..pregnant MUST sell horse)..and soon you are busy with the kid/kids and toting them everywhere and the horse has gotten pushed back until you think..well if I can just get these kids out of the house and into college, but wait..I have to pay for college too..so the horse gets put off further.

It happens, I have seen it happen to my friends. I have seen it happen to the boarders that I had here. The folks that don't give up the horse because of children are FEW and far between. And the ones that do have a horse are always having to make "excuses" to be able to ride or they sound sort of apologetic about having to "go to the barn and I won't be gone very long" and they hurry up to ride, hastily brush the horse down and haul butt down the driveway back to their little suburban home.

I hate to paint a bad picture..but even here on this thread, I will bet dollars to donuts that there are several that had to give up their horse or put the horse purchase off till the kids were older/graduated or waited until retirement to get a horse. Or sell the horse because hubby transferred somewhere or "we can't afford it", etc.

I ask why? Why are women expected to give, give, give..and put their dreams and lives on hold for others? Why? I rarely see men giving up golf, tennis, the "club", the hunting, the bass boats, the fishing trips, the hunting trips or the race cars/planes they may refurbish.

So I do wonder why women are expected to be the ones that give up their horse. Heck I have 3 horses, a kid in private school, a farm, a job, an ailing mother and I would no more give up my horses than stop breathing. Why should I? I have an SO that understands that horses are just part of my life. We don't discuss whether or not I will get another horse, he knows I won't take one unless I can support it. He has come to visit and there have been 2 new horses in the paddock and he just asks what do these 2 eat?

I think he understands so well because his mother was a horsewoman and still is and she had horses with 6 kids, was a schoolteacher and 4 H leader to boot. She lived on a large hog farm with all these kids..and horses, and still managed to stay married..lol..

so he doesn't question and doesn't protest and helps if he happens to be here and I need help. But I really don't expect any but do appreciate it.

So why is it that we feel that we should give up our love for horses? My horse doesn't cost me near what my Great Pyr does..in vet bills nor in feed bills. Lots of people have dogs, some have lots of dogs..dogfood is more expensive than horse feed. Don't believe me? Buy a bag of Purina One at 22.00 a bag that will feed one Pyr for less than a week. My "expensive" horse feed is 12.65 a bag for a larger bag that lasts my horse two weeks. Dog vet bills are hugely expensive too..but you don't see families selling the dogs when kids come along or the hubby relocates..most of the time the dogs go with them if at all possible.

Not being one to tell the OP what to do..that's her bed and she has to lie in it (either with him or without him).

I am simply asking a question relating to women and horses.

[LostFarmer]

Time to sever the apron strings. Best thing Mrs. Lost and I did was leave the parents and move 300 miles away to go to school. We received "help" from both sets of parents. My parents gave us a 1/2 a beef and a pig all cut and wrapped into little white packages for Christmas every year. Her parents planted a large garden and we went to take care of the veggies in the fall. We were far enough away that we had the chance to grow up. (And out in my case) We knew no one but had each other. We packed a lunch of "cream of left over last night" and met for lunch on campus. We no time and less money but by gawd we had each other. We worked part time jobs applied for grants and scholarships and got good grades. (not by brilliance but by brute force and awkwardness.) One Christmas it was ugly. Not a penny to spare so we made gifts of service for family. We made homemade cards with house cleaning or car cleaning certificates. We had fun being us.

Graduated and started working at good jobs while continuing to live like we were before. Now 15 years and 4 kids later we move home to my grandparents home small and happy. We are in the process of remodeling but still going forward.

Obviously I agree with the controling bastard that you once loved. He is working to make it so you can do some of the things you want. Very few marriages won't work when both parties are trying to make it work. I promise there are much worse guys out there to be had. (Trak and I for example!)

LF

[tpup]

I'm definitely not going to bash your husband and I don't think he is asking you to give up your love or passion for them and riding. I want a horse desperately! I take lessons, ride practice sessions, read every book I can and look at ads EVERY single day. But I know it's not the best time for me to do so right now, not just financially but because of the time commitment. I don't want to buy a horse and see it only once per week. I have 2 small children and I know my time will come, but it's not now. So I am looking at half leases - it's a nice compromise, I can ride, learn and love the horse I ride and even buy a few little items for it if I want :) but without the commitment of owning at this time....meanwhile my 'horse savings fund' grows and when the time is right, I'll be elated and perhaps we'll even live on a property where we can have then on site vs. boarded.

So why not compromise? Lease or half lease for now, save your money - come to an agreement with your husband - it's a partnership. I don't think he is being unreasonable. You are in school, etc. I don't think it's a matter of "cutting the cord" from your parents - it's a generous offer, but I don't think your husband sounds like he is being controlling or ill-willed (based on your post.)

[Catersun]

*HUG*

It sounds to me like he just confirmed a doubt you were having too. If you really wanted the horse, I do believe you would have the horse. It doesn't sound like the timing is quite right yet. It will come. Just keep your eyes open about your relationship. It never hurts to honestly reevaluate how things are going. Just make sure you do it rationally, not emotionally.

[subk]

J. Swan and MistyBlue the next time I have a life issue I need solid feedback on I'm searching you guys out...

If my husband had ever told me someone wanted to give him a very expensive gift, I would have looked at him in the eye and said "no." If he had told me his parents wanted to give him a very expensive gift I'd have look at him the eye and told him, "hell, no." If he had told me that even though we were in debt and getting deeper every semester that he wanted to take on any responsibility whatsoever for a horse, I'd have laughed at him.

There wouldn't have been any discussion either, because I would have expected him to have the small amount of intelligence, common sense and maturity to know why all by himself. Then I would have expected him to apologize to me for making the suggestion in the first place and putting me in such an awful and awkward place. I married an adult and he knows I expect him to act like one.

And for the record, I'm in my 40's, I live in a one income household and even though it's not my income I am quite comfortable telling my husband "no" on occasion--as he is comfortable telling it to me on occasion. (Lord knows that every once in a while we each need to hear it!)

[isaidwhoa]

I have to agree with shireluver. Who is he to pee in your wheaties?

As long as you have parents who are willing to take on a horse and it's expenses and you have the time and knowledge to put into it then there is nothing but pride standing in your way. Being a poor college student doesn't last forever. Sit down with your husband and make a plan to take over horse duties from your parents once you've graduated.

If this is something you see yourself doing in your life, then for crying out loud, take a stand!:yes:

Good luck!

34. Married to a laid back non-horsey guy who brings me coffee to the barn:yes:. I have a college degree (BA) but my career is with horses. I think spouses should help each other soar.

I don't recall anyone mentioning divorce until somebody said she was tired of hearing people tell the op she should get a divorce. ;)
Instead, I saw a lot of people telling the op to take a stand in order to be an equal partner in her marriage. Something is up with her husband and she needs to stand up to the reneging behavior that has been brought up. Counseling would be a great idea!

[subk]

I think spouses should help each other soar.
Agreed. But if one spouse wants to take a single engine airplane up in a thunderstorm shouldn't the other try to stop him/her?

[DLee]

I think it is virtually impossible to not bring our own history (aka baggage) to this discussion. I felt that that the women who were stating he was controlling were most likely 35 or older (I am 46).

Yes, it IS fabulous when a marriage is basically about making that other person happy. I am very, very fortunate to have a marriage like that now. If there is something we can't have, or can't do, or I can't have, it is in no way because my husband does not WANT me to have it. He is not possessive of me, or my time, and that is HUGE. Because I have had it the other way, where it was ME doing all the giving until I was given out.

I have had husbands (yes, husbands, divorced AND widowed, go me) who have not been so great. Who were possessive of me and my time spent. Who did not want to be 'inconvenienced' in any way by my hobbies, friends, or whatever. Horses were basically acceptable, kind of, if they did not interfere with HIS life. And we all know horses never interfere with daily living, right??? :winkgrin:

Like I said before, if it was strictly financial (and I am only going by what I am taking from her posts) it would be one thing. But to lead her on, change his mind, forbid her to do something... doesn't sit well with me. She is making her bed now, for better or worse, if the deal with him IS control.

Her needs, wants, emotions are every bit as valuable as his. If it's one thing I will never listen to again, it's the line "It's not worth getting that upset over." :mad:

I am proud that my two daughters who are 19 and 23, are not the over-pleasers I was in my twenties, they are much stronger than that and I am glad. If indeed it is all about what HE wants, she is in for a bumpy, unpleasant ride. Hopefully they can get it straightened out. A woman with backbone is a beautiful thing.

[MaggieMagoo]

I just wanted to let you know that I didn't pitch a fit or anything or argue to get my way, because I know that if I truely did I would have my way. I know that I'm convincing, even if I'm wrong and don't know it while they do. My husband isn't being controlling really just indecisive. I know I push and I try not too. Really, I'm always watching myself to make sure that what I want is right, that is why I was really so upset, I felt like I had made the right decision after he agreed with me and then this morning he pointed out that it's a bad idea and not now. That is why I'm really disappointed, I do feel spoiled (especially now) and even more self concious(sp?) of the fact that I can argue my way out of anything even when I don't want to. And I admit I give in to my husband out of fear that i'm making the wrong decision and it's not only going to affect me but him too.

Thanks for those that understand that I'm just disappointed and worry a LOT that I'm going to be one of those mom's that bring there kids out for a lesson and say "I used to ride! I used to show and was really good then...." I think that is my one of my worst fears for my riding career. It's just hard slowly letting go of the dream that I would be a trainer/pro when I wanted that since I was tiny... I've already given up my equine degree for a history degree, I sold my horses, I'm not progressing any one horse at all since they are sale horses and only stay a month maybe, I'll never get to groom or be a working student for some amazing trainer.... it's just hard. If it makes me a brat for getting emotional about letting that go, even for just a little while maybe, then so be it.

[WNT]

Looking at this from a couple angles:

1: It sounds like you have a lot going on with college now. I owned a horse through college, and realized with my course load, riding team, boyfriend (more on that...) that I did not have the time or energy to devote to keeping my horse. I leased him out for a good chunk of my college career. I would wait to get a training project until you are out of college, as much from the time perspective as the money.

2: Him. What I have seen in your posts worries me. I spent two years with a guy I met through my college riding team. I thought it was meant to be: he like horses, enjoyed riding, etc. After growing up with parents who supported my horse habit 100%, it didn't occur to me that someone else important to me in my life would not feel the same way. That you make an effort to go with him to events that are his hobby to do it together, then have him 'dump' you while he goes and plays... Hmm. It also sounds like the "Oh, yes, you can do that" to "No way" is a recurring theme with Him. I was lucky, I irritated my parents by moving in with my "Him" after we got engaged, and thank my lucky stars I did, it really opened my eyes. Almost everything I've read in your posts smacks of control.

The point of waiting until after school is valid, but you built on that when you stated that you doubted there would be money after you finished college. When you go out to the barn without Him and have fun, you are having fun that he isn't overseeing. Looking back on my past relationship, what I see here is your parents trying to give you something that will give you the opportunity to be yourself on your time with the horse. Maybe I'm cynical, and feeling "once burned", but I hate to think of that happening to anyone else.

Take a good hard look at what is REALLY bothering you about the situation. I found out the hard way the length control issues can go to. Hugs, and I hope everything works out for the best.

[WNT]

I felt that that the women who were stating he was controlling were most likely 35 or older (I am 46).


26, BTW. My relevant "history" all occurred before I was 22.

[Angela Freda]

I am of the mind that it isn't so much the horse and whether the OP can "have it" or not, but the way her husband decided that "yes you can" then "no you can't". Doesn't sound like they discussed anything, he just made the decision and that was that. Maybe I am wrong, but that hardly seems fair to the OP regardless of whether she would have gotten the horse or not, it should have been discussed.

I am from the self reliant school. I paid my own way through college and worked full time, I had twin daughters that were crawling when I started school and in Pre K when I got out. I worked during the day and went to college and night two days a week from 6 -10 pm and took a day class during lunch. I studied from the time the girls were in bed until I fell asleep. I made good grades.

I also had my horse. I paid for my horse's upkeep, my kids upkeep (no child support as the ex refused to pay..) and I paid for my house rent, and all other expenses.

I ate mac and cheese..I had very little free time until I finished school..

but I don't regret the horse. I have always had a horse. But here's the thing: I had horses but never could afford to take lessons after the girls started riding..I paid for their lessons and their horses and their shows..one of the things about waiting to learn something till one is older is that it is much harder, way harder than one ever thought. So now I am taking lessons - lol.

The logical procession is to finish college, get a job, and then a house and then buy a horse. But if you get pregnant..well there goes that horse (sorry but I see the ads daily..pregnant MUST sell horse)..and soon you are busy with the kid/kids and toting them everywhere and the horse has gotten pushed back until you think..well if I can just get these kids out of the house and into college, but wait..I have to pay for college too..so the horse gets put off further.

It happens, I have seen it happen to my friends. I have seen it happen to the boarders that I had here. The folks that don't give up the horse because of children are FEW and far between. And the ones that do have a horse are always having to make "excuses" to be able to ride or they sound sort of apologetic about having to "go to the barn and I won't be gone very long" and they hurry up to ride, hastily brush the horse down and haul butt down the driveway back to their little suburban home.

I hate to paint a bad picture..but even here on this thread, I will bet dollars to donuts that there are several that had to give up their horse or put the horse purchase off till the kids were older/graduated or waited until retirement to get a horse. Or sell the horse because hubby transferred somewhere or "we can't afford it", etc.

I ask why? Why are women expected to give, give, give..and put their dreams and lives on hold for others? Why? I rarely see men giving up golf, tennis, the "club", the hunting, the bass boats, the fishing trips, the hunting trips or the race cars/planes they may refurbish.

So I do wonder why women are expected to be the ones that give up their horse. Heck I have 3 horses, a kid in private school, a farm, a job, an ailing mother and I would no more give up my horses than stop breathing. Why should I? I have an SO that understands that horses are just part of my life. We don't discuss whether or not I will get another horse, he knows I won't take one unless I can support it. He has come to visit and there have been 2 new horses in the paddock and he just asks what do these 2 eat?

I think he understands so well because his mother was a horsewoman and still is and she had horses with 6 kids, was a schoolteacher and 4 H leader to boot. She lived on a large hog farm with all these kids..and horses, and still managed to stay married..lol..

so he doesn't question and doesn't protest and helps if he happens to be here and I need help. But I really don't expect any but do appreciate it.

So why is it that we feel that we should give up our love for horses? My horse doesn't cost me near what my Great Pyr does..in vet bills nor in feed bills. Lots of people have dogs, some have lots of dogs..dogfood is more expensive than horse feed. Don't believe me? Buy a bag of Purina One at 22.00 a bag that will feed one Pyr for less than a week. My "expensive" horse feed is 12.65 a bag for a larger bag that lasts my horse two weeks. Dog vet bills are hugely expensive too..but you don't see families selling the dogs when kids come along or the hubby relocates..most of the time the dogs go with them if at all possible.

Not being one to tell the OP what to do..that's her bed and she has to lie in it (either with him or without him).

I am simply asking a question relating to women and horses.
Sometimes I think we do it to ourselves (and to other women) putting them down for being stay at home mothers/putting them down for working
Expecting that we can keep a house, have a full time job, AND a hobby, and look good doing it.

I agree this is more about HOW it was handled, than his not wanting her to get a horse now.
FWIW I am 40, married with one kid, and I never have time to ride anymore and worry daily that if I stop completely and retire my horse I will never start back up again.

[jetsmom]

:yes: Agreed.

Yet people seem so surprised that the divorce rate is what it is :rolleyes:

He is supporting you through college...it is not as if you're out making money and he is being domineering about how your money is spent. You are supposed to be a team, making decisions together, not running to mommy and daddy for the latest expensive toy that he can't afford to buy you. Wait until the time is right and you can afford it on your own...when it is a joint decision.

Ditto!!!!!!!

[billdinva]

Mom: Are you and Hubby coming over for Christmas this year.

You: Hubby and I were planning on going to Cancun this year.

Mom: Don't you think you should visit your parents? What about that expensive horse that we bought you and are feeding?

[MaggieMagoo]

I know my parents and they are definately not like that. They are more "no pressure, we don't want to rock the boat" I already talked to them and they said that if their offer was making him feel awkward or uncomfortable to not worry about it, that it can wait, which made me feel better and him feel better also.

[goeslikestink]

sorted then

[Midge]

I'm 38...so under 40 by a tad bit.
Funny since I assumed all the "leave him, run, you should get everything your way all the time" group was under 30...or not married. :winkgrin:

Me too! And I am pushing 50.

[xeroxchick]

J. Swan and MistyBlue the next time I have a life issue I need solid feedback on I'm searching you guys out...

If my husband had ever told me someone wanted to give him a very expensive gift, I would have looked at him in the eye and said "no." If he had told me his parents wanted to give him a very expensive gift I'd have look at him the eye and told him, "hell, no." If he had told me that even though we were in debt and getting deeper every semester that he wanted to take on any responsibility whatsoever for a horse, I'd have laughed at him.

There wouldn't have been any discussion either, because I would have expected him to have the small amount of intelligence, common sense and maturity to know why all by himself. Then I would have expected him to apologize to me for making the suggestion in the first place and putting me in such an awful and awkward place. I married an adult and he knows I expect him to act like one.

And for the record, I'm in my 40's, I live in a one income household and even though it's not my income I am quite comfortable telling my husband "no" on occasion--as he is comfortable telling it to me on occasion. (Lord knows that every once in a while we each need to hear it!)

For What it's worth, I also agree with MistyB and Swan. And, I , also, thought a teen had posted this. All these "Wheeties" posters sound like they are perhaps not thinking about the future and a real life relationship. This is a no-brainer about delayed gratification and being an adult. Sorry to be blunt, but there it is.

[sidepasser]

I just wanted to let you know that I didn't pitch a fit or anything or argue to get my way, because I know that if I truely did I would have my way. I know that I'm convincing, even if I'm wrong and don't know it while they do. My husband isn't being controlling really just indecisive. I know I push and I try not too. Really, I'm always watching myself to make sure that what I want is right, that is why I was really so upset, I felt like I had made the right decision after he agreed with me and then this morning he pointed out that it's a bad idea and not now. That is why I'm really disappointed, I do feel spoiled (especially now) and even more self concious(sp?) of the fact that I can argue my way out of anything even when I don't want to. And I admit I give in to my husband out of fear that i'm making the wrong decision and it's not only going to affect me but him too.

Thanks for those that understand that I'm just disappointed and worry a LOT that I'm going to be one of those mom's that bring there kids out for a lesson and say "I used to ride! I used to show and was really good then...." I think that is my one of my worst fears for my riding career. It's just hard slowly letting go of the dream that I would be a trainer/pro when I wanted that since I was tiny... I've already given up my equine degree for a history degree, I sold my horses, I'm not progressing any one horse at all since they are sale horses and only stay a month maybe, I'll never get to groom or be a working student for some amazing trainer.... it's just hard. If it makes me a brat for getting emotional about letting that go, even for just a little while maybe, then so be it.

That was me in a nutshell..the mom who brought kids out for lessons and said "I used to ride, I used to show"..and here it is 20 years later and I am finally able to take lessons with a good instructor but it may be too late to ever be very good at this new discipline. Time does have a way of running away and carrying your dreams with it. That is what I would advise against..do not let yourself be carried away by others to the point where your dream is so hard to reach that it is nearly impossible.

Riding is a physical sport..and I do ride, I ride several times a week. I get tired more easily, I don't have the stamina, I often hurt and ache for days after a lesson, and sometimes I just feel too bad to ride. That comes with age and wear and tear on one's body and also from lack of time to keep in shape to ride. I am merely stating the obvious..one is more cautious when one has children or has not ridden for years, one realizes their mortality and then is not quite so "daring".

Some people have small dreams..they just want a backyard pony to groom and occasionally ride on a trail. Others have big dreams..they want to compete, they want to train, they want to ride with great instructors and win big at shows. Others are middle of the road.

My point to you is you are young - you are married for better or worse, that is the way of things. Yes you have to consider the other half's feelings. No you cannot put yourself into bankruptcy or your husband. (that would be a poor choice just to ride a horse). However judging by YOUR dream posted here..if you do not find a way to work a horse into your schedule and keep riding, and ride with a trainer of some sort..your dream will fade away into a wish..you will end up wishing..and wishing..and there will be some resentments that come along. You are responsible for fulfillment of your own happiness. I see all the time that others expect their husband or wife to "make them happy"..well I hate to be the bearer of bad news..but no one can MAKE another happy. They can contribute to the overall happiness factor..but no one can MAKE their spouse happy. Happiness or contentment comes from within each of us..it can be manipulated by others..but we are responsible for our own happiness.

You can ride for other people and get paid for it..do that..work off your training bill - make deals for lessons, whatever it takes to continue your dream. I am older now..I gave up my dream of being successful in the show ring so that my daughters could ride..that was my choice and I am not sorry (except for the fact that neither rides now as they have little ones and no time). I also had a bad wreck that left me physically unable to continue to ride for several years. Again, that's life.

No one can tell you what to do..but everyone has given you good advice of one kind or another that can be relevant to your situation. My point is don't lock yourself out of horses if that is your dream. Find a way to make it happen so that you can continue school (very important in case of serious injury and you can't ride professionally), and don't cause yourself undue hardship financially. It is a very deep hole to get out of when one gets into debt. And don't forget your husband..don't be a doormat but marriage is a give and take proposition. It only gets bad when one person is the taker and the other is always the giver.

Balance - it is all about balance..

Sidepasser

[Midge]

[quote=veebug22;2707844] The issue is her husband dictating to her what she can and cannot do.


But, if she says, 'I don't care what you think, I am getting the horse, wouldn't she be dictating to the husband?'

[J Swan]

There is no reason to believe that just because you are not going to have what you want, right now this very minute, that your entire life is shot to hell.

On the other hand, if you decide to retreat and give up because it's just too hard to get what you want because you'll have to wait, or develop creative ways to accomplish goals, then yeah - you will be a bitter woman when you get older.

Either way - you'll probably end up alone - because no spouse wants to be used as an emotional punching bag and bottomless bank account.

Every person goes through the same thing you do. It's called growing up.

Maybe I'm sounding a bit harsh - but I have no patience for people that whine or host pity parties for themselves because life is just "too hard". You don't sound like you've got cancer, or going off to war, or have had a horrible accident - you just can't get what you want this very second. That's the reasoning of a child.

Hon - you got it EASY. You get to ride, you don't have to work, you get to go to school - you are pretty much delaying entry into adulthood - though you are married. You want a life with horses? Go for it. Buckle down and sit down with your spouse and develop a plan and goals that take him into consideration and then DO IT. That's what adults too. Kids, on the other hand, cry about how unfair life is.

So what are you? A kid or an adult? Sounds to me like the only adult in your household is your husband. As a loving spouse he wants you to have what you want but is conflicted because of the financial and other stresses - probably resents that you run to your parents when you want something he can't afford to give you, and then gets to work his butt off at the office only to come home to you whining about how you don't have a horse.

Geez - I bet your husband wants to cry, too.







Thanks for those that understand that I'm just disappointed and worry a LOT that I'm going to be one of those mom's that bring there kids out for a lesson and say "I used to ride! I used to show and was really good then...." I think that is my one of my worst fears for my riding career. It's just hard slowly letting go of the dream that I would be a trainer/pro when I wanted that since I was tiny... I've already given up my equine degree for a history degree, I sold my horses, I'm not progressing any one horse at all since they are sale horses and only stay a month maybe, I'll never get to groom or be a working student for some amazing trainer.... it's just hard. If it makes me a brat for getting emotional about letting that go, even for just a little while maybe, then so be it.

[asb2517]

I'm 38...so under 40 by a tad bit.
Funny since I assumed all the "leave him, run, you should get everything your way all the time" group was under 30...or not married. :winkgrin:

No, I think all the "leave him, run people" are about our age and have lived with a controlling person so we know the warning signs. You know hindsight is 20/20...

[asb2517]

A woman with backbone is a beautiful thing.

Well said! :lol:

[trubandloki]

For What it's worth, I also agree with MistyB and Swan. And, I , also, thought a teen had posted this. All these "Wheeties" posters sound like they are perhaps not thinking about the future and a real life relationship. This is a no-brainer about delayed gratification and being an adult. Sorry to be blunt, but there it is.

I am in this crowd! And thank you MistyBlue and J Swan for saying it so well, far better than I did!

I also thought the 'men suck big time, do what you want when you want' posters were the young crowd, wow, I am shocked. I am 41, been married for four years. Mr. Trubandloki is not really a horse person (was afraid of them when we met) but is currently working on building me a barn so I can bring my horses home.

Waiting and working as a team is a great thing!!!!

[asb2517]

I wasn't saying "men suck", I was saying don't let them TELL you what to do and don't be a doormat! There is a difference. If my husband said, "Honey, I don't think this is a good idea because...(fill in the blank)" that is a WHOLE lot different than, "I changed my mind and you are not ALLOWED to do this."

It's the whole "you aren't allowed" thing that makes my blood boil. I always tell him the quickest way to get me to do something is to tell me I'm not ALLOWED to do it!! :lol:

[ReeseTheBeast]

I wasn't saying "men suck", I was saying don't let them TELL you what to do and don't be a doormat! There is a difference. If my husband said, "Honey, I don't think this is a good idea because...(fill in the blank)" that is a WHOLE lot different than, "I changed my mind and you are not ALLOWED to do this."

That's exactly what I was saying too... I don't recall anyone saying "men suck," although I admittedly wouldn't have argued the statement. :winkgrin: :lol:

[Huntertwo]

I've already given up my equine degree for a history degree, I sold my horses, I'm not progressing any one horse at all since they are sale horses and only stay a month maybe, I'll never get to groom or be a working student for some amazing trainer.... it's just hard. If it makes me a brat for getting emotional about letting that go, even for just a little while maybe, then so be it.

Do you mind me asking why you changed your degree from Equine Science to History?

It sounds like you had everything planned out with your career with horses.
Obviously you just didn't wake up one morning and tell your husband you wanted a horse. When he married you, he knew that was *you*.

I don't think you're a brat. As I've stated in other posts, to me at least, horses are a lifestyle, not a hobby. And it really is hard to explain it to someone who didn't grow up like we did. It is 24/7 for me. Not just a weekend hobby.

Mr.H2 knew I had a horse before we married, but being a non-horse person, I don't think he knew how *bad* it was.
I pay for my horse bills, but after years of boarding he is willing to buy me a horse property.

I would never suggest a divorce over an arguement over horses, but I always say, we live once and make every moment count. We might not be here tomorrow.

[RockinHorse]

Maybe I missed it but I don't see where the OP ever said her husband told her he would not allow her to get a horse. The postings I read said that he stated he was uncomfortable with the idea and that he thought it was a bad idea. I think there is a HUGE difference in those.

It always surprises me that anytime someone posts on this BB about not being able to have a horse, everyone assumes everyone standing in the way is an ogre. Perhaps the OPs husband isn't such a bad guy. Maybe he did agree with the idea originally because he does want his wife to be happy (and she stated she can pretty much argue anything to get her way). Then as a little time went on he has realised that getting a horse right now would not be in the best interest of their family. I don't know but I betting the husband's side of the story is not nearly as sinister as some posters seem to want to believe.

An expensive gift from mommy and daddy that will continue to be an ongoing expense doesn't seem appropriate to me. Actually I would be concerned about what the parents agenda really is in offering that as a gift to a newly married daughter who is in debt :confused:

Also, what happens if OP has a falling out with her parents? What if the parents have a financial set back? What if they disagree about care? Are the parents willing to pay for EVERYTHING- vet, farrier, wormer, halter to replace the one that gets broken, polo wraps in the newest 'in" color, every new bit the OP wants to try, etc, etc?

[Midge]

It's just hard slowly letting go of the dream that I would be a trainer/pro when I wanted that since I was tiny... I've already given up my equine degree for a history degree, I sold my horses, I'm not progressing any one horse at all since they are sale horses and only stay a month maybe, I'll never get to groom or be a working student for some amazing trainer

So, why aren't yo going to be a trainer and why didn't you become a working student?

[tbtrailrider]

Your H should let you have the horse and let your parents help you.

It is your dream to train and ride, so who cares who helps you as long as you get to have your dream.

Your H should not stand in the the way, there will be a day down the road where you and your H can repay your parents because your parents will need yall's help one day to care for them and you will be there for them.

You may not have another chance to ride later in life for many reasons.

So do it now and start riding.

wise words....

[Angela Freda]

Mr. Trubandloki is not really a horse person (was afraid of them when we met) but is currently working on building me a barn so I can bring my horses home.

Waiting and working as a team is a great thing!!!!

Maybe the difference is some MR. COTHPosters would build their COTHPosters a barn and support them, and other MR. COTHPosters decide post nuptials to become VERY anti-horse and VERY anti-riding? Obviously not everone has a barn building Mr. Trubandloki?

When we were playing around with maybe building a barn (where I could retire my horse and board a couple other retirees to help afford it all, do you know what Mr. Angfreda said
"Gee, if it makes ENOUGH money, you might not have to work too"
Cause you know, boarding horses is not "work".
Yes, JSwan, I gave up that idea because it's too hard to fight city hall... I've fought city hall all my life wanting to ride and having no one supportive behind me, and moreso making it harder for me to do. I have no fight left in me. Obviously it was just not meant to be.

[Thomas_1]

My wife has a sweatshirt which you might want to borrow:

On the front it says....

He gave me a choice, it was him or the horse

On the back is a picture of a lady walking into the distance on her horse and underneath it says....

"We'll miss him" :winkgrin:

[onelanerode]

I agree with MistyBlue, pony89, J Swan, et al. I don't get the impression that your husband is being a control freak, but I do get the feeling that he's not doing a good job of expressing how he's feeling about the situation. It's not really fair for him to say yes and then change his mind. If he said yes because he felt pressured, then he needs to learn to take the time to think things through before speaking, and you need to let him do that. You have a partnership, and you both deserve the chance to mull over ideas that the other person has for a bit before making a decision. You have the right to ask the other person to explain why he/she doesn't agree.

Hopefully, you're both mature enough to talk about decisions and reach some form of compromise if you don't agree. But these things take time, and it's not uncommon for the first few years of marriage to be a time of feeling each other out and learning how to communicate with each other and live together.

I do think it's important, especially after you are married, to be an adult and not depend on your parents for things. It's one thing if you get sick, or something big and unexpected happens ... but it's another thing entirely when you're talking about a luxury expense. And horses are definitely a BIG luxury expense. At the same time, you should both care enough about the other person to want to help him/her be happy, and to work out how to do/afford the thing(s) that make that person happy (so long as they're legal and whatnot). Try to see things from your partner's perspective, and talk. Keep talking -- about what's important to you, how to reach your goals, what's important to your partner, what's important to you both as a couple.

I'm 26, married for one year. No horses yet, but my husband and I have a plan in place to pay off some debt and make allowances for both our hobbies. We renegotiate when we need to, and we talk about what compromises we can make to get him a new computer and to get me a horse. But we're both in agreement that some forms of debt need to be taken care of before you start getting luxuries.

[trubandloki]

"Gee, if it makes ENOUGH money, you might not have to work too"
Cause you know, boarding horses is not "work".


I guess maybe this is an example of why Mr. Trubandloki and I might get along better than you did with your husband.

I took the comment about boarding making enough money and you not having to work not as a slam that working at a boarding barn not being work. I took at as a great thought about you being able to do work you enjoy at home instead of having to work outside the home. I see no reason to read nastiness into comments like that.

[DopyDgz]

"It is your dream to train and ride, so who cares who helps you as long as you get to have your dream."

Ummmm ... hate to burst anyone's bubble here, but NOT ALL DREAMS COME TRUE. Some dreams are impossible. Some dreams are unrealistic.

Case in point: a very dear, hippy-type friend of mine decided to retire when he was 17. Decided he would only do work he liked and woundn't take $$ for it.
You can imagine how ell that works int he real world.

My dream is to retire. Right now, at age 48. With full health insurance. On a 100 acre farm. With a staff, indoor ring, ..... I'm entitled, right? "....as long as you get to have your dream."

[Angela Freda]

Trub you don't know him do you?
He was thinking all along I would do the boarding AND work a fulltime job.
Then it occured to him that "Lucky me" could maybe ONLY have to work the boarding barn.
Uh yeah, and clean the house, cook the meals, and all the other fun stuff I get to do.

This is not about me. My point is not every husband, or man is like Mr TnL or like Mr. AF, and while it's nice to infer that if she just did as her hubby wanted they could work as a team... a team is not about one person calling the shots and another doing their bidding.

[trubandloki]

a team is not about one person calling the shots and another doing their bidding.

So very true!

A team is also not one person ignoring the thoughts of the other and still doing what they want even though it is not the best for the team.

Like someone else posted, why is it OK for her to ignore his feelings and do what she wants, but everyone jumps up and down and calls him evil for expressing his feelings.

I think in a marriage things need two yes answers. Getting a horse is a huge family burden. Like getting a new car, or a boat, or in a lesser manner having a kid. None of those decisions should be made with only one member of the pair saying yes.

The OPs husband never said 'you can not have a horse' best I can tell from what she posted. He simply said he had reservations about it at this time. Even she admits he is right. I am missing why everyone is trying to tell her otherwise.

And you are right Angela Freda, I am very blessed to have a wonderful husband and probably many others are not so blessed. But the OP seems to imply that her husband is truly a pretty good guy.
And even if she did not, why are we to assume he is a mean ogre horrible person instead of assuming he is a good person with a legitimate worry?

[anabug]

I saw your post on LJ - the situation sucks. However, I do understand how he could be embarassed by having your parents help you guys out - my fiance has had similar reactions to my parents helping us out. Make it clear to him how you really feel. I don't know him, but it's likely he will change his mind. My boyfriend did, and now we have a nice monthly payment plan worked out with my parents so basically everyone benefits.

[Chester's Mom]

No, I think all the "leave him, run people" are about our age and have lived with a controlling person so we know the warning signs. You know hindsight is 20/20...

BINGO!! This was my assumption; the older, been there, now know that (how could we have been SO stupid) crowd were the ones saying "beware". I never said (or saw) anyone say leave him. I saw people say stand up for yourself, make sure things are equal (not always 50-50, but it should average out) and make SURE this isn't a sign of many other things that are wrong that you can't/don't want to see.

[subk]

...I'm just disappointed and worry a LOT that I'm going to be one of those mom's that bring there kids out for a lesson and say "I used to ride! I used to show and was really good then...." I think that is my one of my worst fears for my riding career. It's just hard slowly letting go of the dream that I would be a trainer/pro when I wanted that since I was tiny...
Let me say something positive. Putting aside horse ownership or riding for a few years can be tremendously helpful to advancing you ultimate riding career.

I've done it three times now. I gave it up during college for 4 years knowing that having a degree and a good job goes a long way toward putting myself in a financial position to persue riding as well as provide a back up since riding/training rarely has a financial upside. I milked college for everything I could get out of it.

The second time I set it aside was shortly after I was married when I decided focusing on my relationship with my husband and starting my family was where my energies needed to be. What my husband realized at that point was that our relationship and our family was the priority in my life. It is amazing how much more cooperative he became about riding later when he understood that he was first in my life and he didn't have to compete with the horse to be there. Several years ago right before the company he worked for was rescued from bankruptcy, our investments were in the toilet so I told my husband that I was willing to sell the horse to use the proceeds for him to start up a new business. (I would have done it , but I was spared!) The payoff in our relationship and in his commitment to my dreams was huge. The end results are not just that I've continued to ride as I've raised my children, but that I've ridden to the levels of my dreams.

If you don't want to give up riding long term you probably don't have too, but you must have a PLAN! The cornerstone of the plan has to focus on the financial end of it and the relationship with your husband--AND you must work hard and be willing to make sacrifices. For me, sometime those sacrifices were not riding on the weekends, or an abbreviated social life, or not having money for other things I wanted, or dragging two kids ages 1 and 2 1/2 on all my errands because I sure as hell wasn't going to use babysitting time for anything but riding! And yes sometimes those sacrifices were periods where I didn't ride at all. But never while not riding did I or did I allow anyone close to me to view it as anything but a temporary situation.

Oh yeah, I currently am in my third period of not riding. I expect it will be about a year total. I'm pretty sure this break will enhance my riding as I'm taking time off to focus my energies on building my dream barn, putting in pastures, fencing and footing as well as building a farmhouse.

And yes, I married a prince, but let me assure you he looked very similar to a frog when I snagged him!

[Chester's Mom]

BINGO!! This was my assumption; the older, been there, now know that (how could we have been SO stupid) crowd were the ones saying "beware". I never said (or saw) anyone say leave him. I saw people say stand up for yourself, make sure things are equal (not always 50-50, but it should average out) and make SURE this isn't a sign of many other things that are wrong that you can't/don't want to see.

Quoting myself to add a comment. I also saw in the OP's postings the same self-logic and explanations that *I* used to do in excusing (to myself and others) my ex's controlling and his need for me to be unhappy. I think we all bring our own experiences to the table (as others have noted) and different perspectives on what we read into the posts.

I think the idea of a weekend away to talk, possibly coupled with some counseling, is a great idea and will help the OP see if this is a syptom of a bigger issue or a bump in her road to a dream.

[Catalina]

MaggieMagoo: the free lease offer is still open on my mare. Bring your hubby over and he and mine can talk about all things Civil War (Mr c is a big time C.W. buff and reenacted for years) :lol:.

I started off my marriage with the attitude of I can do what I want when it comes to the horses. I had a horse already when we met. So, I wound up with five horses and a husband who grew more and more resentful over time because the horses cost a lot of money and took a lot of time and, since we have our own place, put a big damper on spontaneity , to say the least. One day I finally woke up and realized that my marriage was going to go kaput if I didn't start including my husband in on the horse related decisions. Now, I run everything past him and if he has any doubts or concerns, we discuss them. Just two days ago I had to turn down the awesome offer of a free lease on a horse because my husband did not like the idea of me spending a lot of time and money on a horse that I would have to give back, especially since I already have three other horses. He helps support my hobby and so he gets a say so. I don't feel like he is controlling me at all because everything in a marriage should be 50/50, especially big decisions that can have a potentially huge financial impact on the family.

And, most of all, keeping the hubby happy by discussing things with him and agreeing at times that he is correct leads to a much happier guy down the road who is much more willing to agree when you tell him you are going horse shopping for yet another project horse ;).

[Wild Oaks Farm]

I just wanted to let you know that I didn't pitch a fit or anything or argue to get my way, because I know that if I truely did I would have my way. I know that I'm convincing, even if I'm wrong and don't know it while they do. My husband isn't being controlling really just indecisive. I know I push and I try not too. Really, I'm always watching myself to make sure that what I want is right, that is why I was really so upset, I felt like I had made the right decision after he agreed with me and then this morning he pointed out that it's a bad idea and not now. That is why I'm really disappointed, I do feel spoiled (especially now) and even more self concious(sp?) of the fact that I can argue my way out of anything even when I don't want to. And I admit I give in to my husband out of fear that i'm making the wrong decision and it's not only going to affect me but him too.

Thanks for those that understand that I'm just disappointed and worry a LOT that I'm going to be one of those mom's that bring there kids out for a lesson and say "I used to ride! I used to show and was really good then...." I think that is my one of my worst fears for my riding career. It's just hard slowly letting go of the dream that I would be a trainer/pro when I wanted that since I was tiny... I've already given up my equine degree for a history degree, I sold my horses, I'm not progressing any one horse at all since they are sale horses and only stay a month maybe, I'll never get to groom or be a working student for some amazing trainer.... it's just hard. If it makes me a brat for getting emotional about letting that go, even for just a little while maybe, then so be it.

You just sound so much like me.

Mr. WOF and I have fought bitterly over horses and finances. I hate it when he tells me no (and I tell him no sometimes too). But I have found that I almost ALWAYS cool off and realize that he is right (we DON'T need another horse, there's no reason to board at a barn with a covered arena when I can have them at home,the list goes on...). I thought I would train horses/teach lessons for a living. We even moved to Texas so we could have horse property and build a barn! Well, we sold the barn, paid off all of our debt, and I work at an insurance agency. SO not the life I imagined. And now we are thinking about having kids, which will changes things even more. It's funny what you said about having kids and being worried about taking them to the barn and never riding...I used to think the same thing! But now, I am looking forward to it and think it will be so much fun to have kids that hopefully love horses that I can take to lessons and shows. AND, if they like horses enough, I can buy them that fancy pony I always dreamt of having when I was young! ;)

I hardly ever ride anymore. BUT...I am happy. Go figure. I never thought this would be my life, but I just kind of fell into it. And I have horses now...and I can afford to pay for them comfortably, and if an emergency vet bill comes up we can afford it. Mr. WOF and I have worked out the financial issues. We know how much (realistically) the horses cost each month, so there's not much to fight about (I was in denial before). We have the horses and when I do have kids and settle down some (working 10 hours with a 3 hour total commute doesn't leave much time for anything other than, well, work!), I'll ride again. I might even start teaching lessons again.

Mr. WOF does support me (and he even got a horse of his own!). But it takes awhile to figure out how to make things work and how to compromise. I think that compromise and communication are what make a marriage work. And your husband will have to realize that the horse thing isn't going to go away! I may not be riding, but that doesn't mean I'm not involved in horses!

And this is a funny story. My husband's horse is a yearling Belgian/Percheron. We took him to the trainers a month ago for some ground manners (and it took months of convincing Mr. WOF we needed to spend money on this). After dropping him off, we went to lunch with the trainer and his wife, who also rides. They were telling us about a horse that was for sale that I would have loved to have. Joking (kind of...), I said, "Can we get him, we don't have one in that color!" Mr. WOF rolled his eyes and said "Yeah, we need another horse." The trainer said, in all seriousness, "You can't marry a horse girl and tell them they can't have horses!" Amen.

[Just Wondering]

They are not giving HIM the gift. It is a partnership between her and her parents.

Did anyone stop to think he may feel bad because he can't do this for her? He feels left out and inadequate?

[Alagirl]

Did anyone stop to think he may feel bad because he can't do this for her? He feels left out and inadequate?


And then he needs to grow up, because there will be more things in life he won't be able to do, too. because that is life!


I am not one to tell the OP to kick the man to the curb, because that is not my style. but when you are newly wed, you have to set some ground rules!

And one rule for me is that you don't get between me and my parents! (we all know the sad stories of controlling spouses that cut their victims off from friends and family! I a NOT saying this is the case with the OP, just keep that in mind, we have more people reading this!)

The other rule is stake a course and stick with it! don't flip-flop around on me, especially not with short notice. As the OP stated she worries about being wrong...why? make up your mind and deal with the consequences!


The matter to me is not so much whether the OP gets the horse or not. if you do horsemanship like I was taught, it won't take long to ride, even every day, because a horse that is not over feed won't mind to be a pasture puff!

It is all to real that women are the ones doing the sacrificing! And all too normal. Eat your cake and have it, too...


The OP stated there was a resentment for the time used and the people she is with (he doesn't like horse people... nice!) Doing things as a couple goes both ways! He has not to touch one piece of equipment, nor the horse to be supportive! have a water bottle handy and snap a few pictures! Golly, watch your woman what she loves to do! Strange concept, but I am sure it will be rewarded. Things do not get easier for women, down the road, when school is finished and the job and the whatever. it's not happening.

In short, speak up! Speak up while the issues are minor, before they build up and turn into a major blow up!

Sorry gals, I fought too long and too hard to make my marriage work, and I am still working on it. men need a road map to a woman's happiness. Black on white, every turn clearly marked, and then they might not quiet get it! Don't say what you think you mean, say what you know he understands!

And no, they suck at reading minds! :lol:

[AllWeatherGal]

From your last post, my advice is couple's counseling. I really strongly advice that. And not because I think your relationship is falling apart. For some reason, so many people think that the reason to go to counseling is when it really is starting to fall apart.

Not so, not so. I would go much sooner, in order to figure out how to communicate in a haelthy and effective way, to try and break patterns of behaviour that negatively affect the relationship, and how to compromise in a fair way.

Good Luck!

BIG LOUD DITTO!!!! another poster (this is the problem with reading the whole thread before commenting, I always forget who says the amazing stuff!) pointed out that the situation has two issues and ... well, IMO, neither of them are about horses.

Maggie, you may LIKE having a husband who is more controlling than some of us feel is okay; You may feel unloved by someone who didn't take the reins of your marriage and tell you what's what. There's a reason you chose this guy to marry, and instead of taking advice from people with different values and circumstances, spend time really understanding what you want your marriage to be!


--chiming in from the over 45 and been-divorced-for-many-years but have a wonderful and supportive BF now who, while not interested in horses, is interested in my happiness.

[Trixie]

Can’t you put it off for a year or so?

I’m young, live with my SO, and I ride other people’s horses. Both of us are fully employed and while, YES, I probably could afford a horse all by myself right now (in the sense that I could pay BOARD and insurance) but it wouldn’t make good financial sense. It’s better for me to wait, enjoy the absolutely fantastic horses that I have to ride now, and save up some money so I can put a down payment on a fixer-upper house. As I go along, I’ll hope to go from a starter fixer upper to my own farm. Could my SO throw in a few bucks for me to own a horse? Yeah, probably. Would I ask him to? Not at this stage in our lives. We <i>both</i> make a few sacrifices to support our hobbies. More importantly, in the long run, it’ll pay off. I currently do not have any debt and while I’m on no level wealthy, I’ve got a decent savings account and I am relatively prepared in the event of an emergency.

What my SO is NOW is supportive about my riding, about my putting some of my money into riding instead of fancy dinners or something, about me spending evenings at the barn and not driving him home from work so I can go straight to the barn. If your husband isn’t supportive of your riding and spending time with the horses, I’d re-evaluate THAT moreso than I’d be upset that he doesn’t think it makes financial sense, because frankly, it doesn’t make any financial sense and I can see why he’d be worried.

You're very fortunate that your husband is paying your bills through college and that you DO have horses to ride.


I'm trying not to come off as some sort of brat but it is really disappointing that I have shared so much with him and then he doesn't want to share with me.

What is he not sharing with you?

Maybe I missed it but I don't see where the OP ever said her husband told her he would not allow her to get a horse. The postings I read said that he stated he was uncomfortable with the idea and that he thought it was a bad idea. I think there is a HUGE difference in those.

Agreed. I think the OP needs to have a discussion with her husband. Again, is he not supportive of her RIDING? Or not supportive of making a possible financial mistake?

[FancyFree]

Some men do have a problem with women owning horses. I've heard it time and again at my barn. My ex had a problem. It wasn't about money either. I think it was more of a jealousy issue. Maybe the time I put into my horses or the commraderie I got at the barn. It was a minor issue in my divorce, but it did bother me that he knew riding made me happy but chose to be negative about it anyway.

OP, I hope that, one way or another, you'll get back to horses soon.

[trubandloki]

OP, I hope that, one way or another, you'll get back to horses soon.

She has not stopped riding and being around horses. She rides sale horses for the barn owner (that is what I believe she said). Her husband is not saying no horses at all. Gosh people, you do not have to own a horse to ride them.

[Trixie]

It is all to real that women are the ones doing the sacrificing! And all too normal. Eat your cake and have it, too...

Huh? The OP's husband is supporting her and paying her bills. Food and shelter are not exactly cheap. If the parents want to give her a horse, that's very nice... but I fail to see what exactly the OP is "sacrificing" when she's living on someone else's dime. Sorry, but as an adult, one needs to understand that things cost money.

[J Swan]

Or maybe it's nothing like that. If you have a bad marriage - you have a bad marriage regardless of whether or not horses enter into it. There is only one cure for that.

The OP sounds like a spoiled brat that just wants to cry because she can't have a pony right not this very minute and her whole life is ruined.

Give me a break. She's 22. She hasn't even cut the apron strings - how on earth is her life ruined? How can she possibly think, that just because she doesn't have everything she wants right now, that somehow she's going to regret her life when she's 50? Come on - you can't honestly believe that's realistic. She's talking about living vicariously through her kids - when the kids aren't even born yet.

The only person stopping her from achieving her goals is herself. Because she does not appear to be willing to make the sacrifices necessary to attain those goals - she wants other people to sacrifice for her. Sorry - that's not how marriage works. Her husband has not demanded she sit at home and make him a sammich or get him a beer - he's working his butt off to provide for them and she's rubbing his nose in it.

How on earth switching to a history major is somehow sacrificing her life is beyond me - an equine science degree is more likely to be useful than a history degree.

I don't see anyone posting in defense of the husband that is anything but honest and forthright about marriage.

Having a spouse build a barn for you when your in your 40's isn't exactly the same thing as a spoiled young woman whining that she can't have her horsies and live the college life and have her husband sit back and take what she dishes out or she'll call mommy and daddy.

Two different things.







Maybe the difference is some MR. COTHPosters would build their COTHPosters a barn and support them, and other MR. COTHPosters decide post nuptials to become VERY anti-horse and VERY anti-riding? Obviously not everone has a barn building Mr. Trubandloki?

When we were playing around with maybe building a barn (where I could retire my horse and board a couple other retirees to help afford it all, do you know what Mr. Angfreda said
"Gee, if it makes ENOUGH money, you might not have to work too"
Cause you know, boarding horses is not "work".
Yes, JSwan, I gave up that idea because it's too hard to fight city hall... I've fought city hall all my life wanting to ride and having no one supportive behind me, and moreso making it harder for me to do. I have no fight left in me. Obviously it was just not meant to be.

[FancyFree]

She has not stopped riding and being around horses. She rides sale horses for the barn owner (that is what I believe she said). Her husband is not saying no horses at all. Gosh people, you do not have to own a horse to ride them.

I didn't see that. Sorry! Yes, I agree that you do not have to own a horse to ride. When I was in college my father refuse to pay for my horse. He didn't think that college and horses mix. Looking back, I agree. I wouldn't have done nearly as well with the distraction of horses. I had to sell her before I went or he wouldn't pay my tuition. It was hard but I was lucky that my school had a riding course for credit. I got to ride once a week.

[J Swan]

I didn't see that. Sorry! Yes, I agree that you do not have to own a horse to ride. When I was in college my father refuse to pay for my horse. He didn't think that college and horses mix. Looking back, I agree. I wouldn't have done nearly as well with the distraction of horses. I had to sell her before I went or he wouldn't pay my tuition. It was hard but I was lucky that my school had a riding course for credit. I got to ride once a week.


That's another lesson we learn, isn't it. Not getting what we want most often turns out to be a good thing.

I went years without riding at all - not even a lesson. It about killed me - but I finally managed one lesson per week - then got into catch riding for folks, then got a free 1/2 lease (owner felt sorry for me and needed someone to exercise one of her horses), then voila. Suddenly I was back in the game. Then I set more goals - worked towards them - and what a great journey it has been.

And I could not have done it without my spouse - because we did it all together - and his needs and wants were met too.

If that doesn't work for a person - they're better of staying single. Really.

[MaggieMagoo]

I'm sorry J Swan that you feel that way about me. I was pretty sure that I was fairly independant when I move out of the house at 17 to live in another country and go to school. By which I have always had a job, even when my parents offered to pay my whole way, I still had a job, in fact two. I have always worked, I don't turn away help that is for sure but I don't ask either.

Anyway, if you met me and saw how much work I do and how this is the first time in at least 6 years that I haven't had a job and gone to school full time. And I do have a job, it is more of an intership though with my advisor so that way I can stay on top of my classes and hopefully build a good relationship with other programs like the park service in my area so I CAN land a job that I like. What I'm saying is that I gave up the major I wanted, I gave up the life style that I had wanted. I give up my time and efforts for a hobby I'm liking less, which is his, and end up getting left behind anyway. And I just wanted to add that I do not live the college life. I go to class and study, go to the barn when he is at work, then go home. It's not like I'm a party girl going out every night and on weekends!

And for everyone else that has been nice and understands where I'm coming from, my husband and I talked last night and apologized to each other. He actually even said that he wants to come out to the barn with me sometime and watch me ride!...:eek: It's worked out for now. I think it was a lot of stress with other things that made him act like he did to me yesterday and I think on my side it was stress and PMS... :o so now I'm done. Thanks for the advise from those that were nice and understanding about how disappointed I was and not that I was pitching a fit because I want the prettiest little pony that poops rainbows in my backyard... yesterday.

[Angela Freda]

The OP sounds like a spoiled brat that just wants to cry because she can't have a pony right not this very minute and her whole life is ruined.

Again you assert she was crying about not getting the pony.
I assert she was crying because of having someone who is as important in her life as her PARTNER flip flop faster more than a candidate in November has to be very frustrating and could cause one to want to cry.

[MaggieMagoo]

thank you angela that is exactly what I was feeling.

[Angela Freda]

He has not to touch one piece of equipment, nor the horse to be supportive! have a water bottle handy and snap a few pictures! Golly, watch your woman what she loves to do!
In tight pants no less! HELLO!

[subk]

[QUOTE=J Swan;2708816... Then I set more goals - worked towards them - and what a great journey it has been.

And I could not have done it without my spouse - because we did it all together - and his needs and wants were met too.

If that doesn't work for a person - they're better of staying single. Really.[/QUOTE]

I could not agree more!

When most people get married they take an oath that says something like they, "will forsake all others." That dosen't just mean you won't screw around on your spouse, folks. It means he will be number one--more important than your family, more important than your horse. I feel so sorry for the men who are married to women who have either made it clear to their husbands that they rate after the horse or are married to women who live in such a manner that their husbands believe (rightly or wrongly) that they are in second place.

If my husband treated me like I came in behind one of his hobbies or pets I would have probably turned into one of those unfeeling, mean, controlling, bastards we hear about so often on these boards. Great husbands are created, usually by smart women--they don't come out of the box great!

Here's a secret. Develop a marriage where the first priority for BOTH partners is their spouse. Then, if it so happens, you're 40 and taking your kids to riding lessons and remembering how you used to ride it will be with fondness and not regret.

Maggie, if the disappointment is in how he handled the situation then view this as a "trainable moment!" :lol: I'm kind of kidding on the training thing, but who ever said earlier that they can't read minds was right on. Mould him into the husband you want him to be!

[trubandloki]

Having a spouse build a barn for you when your in your 40's isn't exactly the same thing as a spoiled young woman whining that she can't have her horsies and live the college life and have her husband sit back and take what she dishes out or she'll call mommy and daddy.

Two different things.

Let me clarify something here too.
Mr. Trubandloki is not building me a barn in a sense that I am doing nothing and he is paying for everything. We both have full time jobs. I also have a part time job and I am looking for a second part time job. We earn just about the same actually.
When I say he is building me a barn I mean he is using our money and putting it towards something I, and only I, want. He is spending long hours building stalls (we could not afford to pay the barn builder guy to put up stalls) and carting stone dust and such.

And yes, I have always wanted my own barn at home, I am finally getting it, in my 40s. I also want an indoor. Um, not getting that. Oh well, I am happy with what I am getting.

[subk]

Let me clarify something here too.
Mr. Trubandloki is not building me a barn in a sense that I am doing nothing and he is paying for everything. We both have full time jobs. I also have a part time job and I am looking for a second part time job. We earn just about the same actually.
When I say he is building me a barn I mean he is using our money and putting it towards something I, and only I, want. He is spending long hours building stalls (we could not afford to pay the barn builder guy to put up stalls) and carting stone dust and such.

And yes, I have always wanted my own barn at home, I am finally getting it, in my 40s. I also want an indoor. Um, not getting that. Oh well, I am happy with what I am getting.

Mr. subk is building me and barn and I DON'T have a paycheck and it doesn't change anything and nothing needs to be clarified. He has his responsibities in our marriage (which includes bringing in a paycheck) and I have mine and *everything* we have is ours.

I too think of it as "him doing something for me" because the barn is for me as he doesn't do horses. (Although he's good a building things, fixing tractors and composting manure. :lol: )

[PiedPiper]

Okay my take on all of this hulabolu? That you don't seem to have a very assertive personality and possible a real self identity. Correct me if I am wrong but it seems like you might have always been a people pleaser and tend to ebb and flow with the wants and wills of others?

Anyway we all obviously go about this differently, whether I am talking horses, marriage, relationship with parents, egos, and attitudes. You need to figure out what is best for you and balance that with those in your life. Do not allow others to dictate but don't disregards your loved one's feelings. Be true to yourself but compassionate to others.

I have been married 5 years (30 now) but have been with my husband since high school. I can say that at 22 he and had a LOT of issues due to the fact we were still trying to figure out who we were.

But at 22 is when I bought my first horse and I did tell everyone to go to hell if they didn't support it. I knew how much I loved horses and how for the first time I saw something that was uniquely me. I did tell the hubby, then boyfriend, to not ever ask me to decide between him and the horse b/c he wasn't going to like the decision but I also wasn't living with him and paid my own expenses.

I big reason I did tell that to my love ones was a way to express to them how much this really meant to me and to disregards was to disregard me.

He has been highly supportive but we stand firm that the horse stuff is separate from the marriage. Everythign horse related that came into the marriage and has been acquired since then is in my name and is mine solely. But this is an agreement we worked out and both honestly agreed to.

I try to stay very aware of his feelings and emotions and allow time with him. I know that the horse stuff takes me away from home alot and try to spend quality time together. But having gone to college together, I can tell you too much time together is a BAD things as well! So now he sleeps in on weekends and I get up early and spend the mornings at the barn. He goes to soccer games and I go ride.

We allow and encourage each others passions and desires and not harp on the other on what they are "allowed" or not allowed to do. Actually this idea sits very poorly with the both of us. We are partners not parents and that isn't our place. Actually I am at a point where I WANT to sell one or two just to cut down on cost and I got "you know my thoughts on this" from the non riding horse husband. :eek::lol: So I pay out of my salary on a horse(s) that should come off the payroll. (So beware what you wish for)

You will need to find your own path and your own way together. It's a fine line we all walk, compromising without bitterness, putting off without loss.

But ask him his thought process and you will learn the answers to your questions.

Good luck! :D

But there is a huge grey area here that doesn't have to be horse ownership.

[FancyFree]

To all the women with barn builing husbands: You're very lucky! :D

In my next life I hope to have one like that!

[Angela Freda]

Mr. subk is building me and barn and I DON'T have a paycheck and it doesn't change anything and nothing needs to be clarified. He has his responsibities in our marriag
THANK YOU!
As long as you earn a paycheck you can continue to follow your path but the minute you don't have your own paycheck because you stay home with your kids (a choice you BOTH make to give your kid a great start), to finish your education or for whatever reason, YOUR dreams are kaput and you should just deal with it and be thankful for the food he buys you and the roof over your head he allows you to share with him? LOL!
See what I mean about women doing this to women???

[Trixie]

As long as you earn a paycheck you can continue to follow your path but the minute you don't have your own paycheck because you stay home with your kids (a choice you BOTH make to give your kid a great start), to finish your education or for whatever reason, YOUR dreams are kaput and you should just deal with it and be thankful for the food he buys you and the roof over your head he allows you to share with him? LOL!
See what I mean about women doing this to women???

Of course it's a partnership, where BOTH people make contributions - however, BOTH partners have to agree that "extras" are within the budget.

It's not an equal partnership if your dreams are kaput, as someone obviously has the upper hand.

In this situation, horse ownership is out of range of their budget and the pair is in debt. The OP is still riding. Abusive would be if he stopped her from riding for selfish reasons, not because he feels that horse ownership is not a financially sound choice at the moment. Of course, it doesn't appear that we have the WHOLE story, so... with a grain of salt.

I don't see how "women are doing 'this' to women." As far as I know, and maybe I'm just starry eyed about this, but we're all given the opportunity to pursue happiness. How you go about that is up to you.

[EqTrainer]

In tight pants no less! HELLO!



And don't forget the boots. And the chaps.

Even if Mr. EqT has nothing to say about the horses, he always has something to say about the clothes that go along with them. And the body. And how the clothes fit said body, that is fit from living the horsie life.

I knew he had finally reconciled himself to living this life when he told me that one great thing about horses was that I did not need to go to the gym "after work"...

[EqTrainer]

Mr. subk is building me and barn and I DON'T have a paycheck and it doesn't change anything and nothing needs to be clarified. He has his responsibities in our marriage (which includes bringing in a paycheck) and I have mine and *everything* we have is ours.

I too think of it as "him doing something for me" because the barn is for me as he doesn't do horses. (Although he's good a building things, fixing tractors and composting manure. :lol: )



Well there you go. When I was having Mr. EqT's children, he was the only one bringing in a legitimate paycheck. I only made enough money to pay for my horse habit, between pregnancy and nursing and taking care of them.

But I was responsible for basically *everything* else. He realized pretty quickly that this was *great*! and that his friends, who had two kids and a wife that worked full time at an office, were working all day AND doing half of everything else before work, at lunch and after work.

At that point he stopped thinking about things being his or mine. Other than his nice sweaters :lol:

IMO how much money you earn should not be the great equalizer in a marriage. A partnership can take on some pretty skewed proportions and still be functioning exactly as needed at that time.

In the OP case, I think the person who pointed out that someday she and her husband might be taking care of her parents, has made a good point. The best relationships are give and take without resentment. FWIW, Mr. EqT likes to go on expensive ski trips with his guy friends from France. I have never, ever uttered a word about what they cost - even if the next month he is bemoaning his Visa balance. I don't mind not eating out for a few months because things are tight, I'm glad he had a good time. The older I get the more I realize it really is about having a good time, because you are not going to live forever. Figure out how to enjoy your life now.

[Angela Freda]

I don't see how "women are doing 'this' to women." As far as I know, and maybe I'm just starry eyed about this, but we're all given the opportunity to pursue happiness. How you go about that is up to you.
I was referring to women inferring that since she has a roof over her head and food to eat that 'his paycheck' provides while she is in school ( a decision I am assuming they made together) she is "lucky"
Or the idea that you both have to have a paycheck for it to be reasonable for your DH to agree to you building a barn on your property.
"Originally Posted by trubandloki
Let me clarify something here too.
Mr. Trubandloki is not building me a barn in a sense that I am doing nothing and he is paying for everything. We both have full time jobs. I also have a part time job and I am looking for a second part time job. We earn just about the same actually."
Why should it matter if they make the same amt. or that she has 2 pt time jobs? Or any job for that matter????

That is women saying to women..."without that ol' paycheck you are not so derserving of those extras since you can not pay for them and you should be happy for the food and shelter he gives you".

[js]

Honestly, it sounds like you have enough on your plate as it is. Having a horse would take what little free time you have. It doesn't sound like you have enough free time for a full time horse anyway. What about having your parents pay for you to take lessons, or a half lease? Marriage is important and it is something you both have to work at together. While it is wonderful that your parents are willing to buy and pay for a horse, you are an adult and married and I think it is something you should be able to do on your own and with your husband being in agreement.

[sidepasser]

I don't think that anyone (man or woman) should feel grateful for the food and shelter they have when married if they are at home. If the person is lazy, won't work, doesn't have children, and doesn't do anything to contribute to the family, then yes that person should be grateful or kicked to the curb.

I don't think that is the case here - the OP has stated repeatedly that she has held not one, but sometimes two jobs while attending college. She had to quit her last job due to her husband being promoted over her as I understand what she wrote, which is the way of things in most companies.

A stay at home wife/husband should never have to feel "grateful" that their spouse is providing income for them to have food and shelter. Come on folks..who here thinks that stay at home wives and/or moms don't work? I am sure they work very hard raising children, managing the household and whatever else is required by their family. That is their contribution to the family finances and well being.

Having a horse or in the case of Subk - getting a barn - should not be dependant upon whether the stay at home spouse works away from home and brings in a paycheck. There are many ways of "bringing home a paycheck" and working off site is just one of them.

This from someone who has always worked off site and still does..but recognizes that stay at home folks have valuable skills that translate into saving/earning money for the family.

BTW - a history degree is very worthwhile and can earn one just as much as an equine science degree - though the work may not be as much fun to some!

[trubandloki]

Why should it matter if they make the same amt. or that she has 2 pt time jobs? Or any job for that matter????



I posted the clarification because people were making it sound like I was having life handed to me and I am not. I was pointing out that my husband and I work at our relationship and support our household together and partners.

I guess it did not come out that way to you, but that was my point.

[Moesha]

It sounds like you have so much going for you, I would not cry...sure it is frustrating, but relationships are work...that it part of what makes them so strong. I don't know any of the dymanics of yuor relationship, but sometimes you compromise for the betterment of your life together, after all that is the beautiful part of finding that person and sharing a life together. Nothing is pefect, No One is perfect, people make wrong choices,give wrong answers, make wrong decisions, that is life. I may have missed it somewhere, but did you sit down and tell him any of the things you have expressed here? Did you ask him what concerns he has or why he is suddenly stepping back?

Ultimately it is your life, and your choice, and you have to live with the decisions you make. Sometimes we make the wrong ones and sadly hind sighy is 20/20 ( as was pointed out) and we do regret things...but the questions you have to ask are what is most important to you and sometimes we already know the answer but we can't accept it and simply want it all, but with that there will be consequences.

Good luck to you, your husband and your parents you do sound like you have a lot of great things going on in your life. I am sure everything will turn out just fine. Just think about it and trust your decisions with both your mind and heart

[Trixie]

I was referring to women inferring that since she has a roof over her head and food to eat that 'his paycheck' provides while she is in school ( a decision I am assuming they made together) she is "lucky"

She IS lucky. Not everyone gets that option, in fact, a lot of people DON'T. That's not to say she should feel BAD about it, or guilty, or try to make up for it - but she DOES need to be aware of it.

I didn't say that without a paycheck they aren't equal, or that she isn't deserving of having her own fun and interests. I'm just saying that when ONE person's hobby is not in the best interest of the COUPLE financially (ie, they can't afford it) it's questionable. But that's a decision that THEY need to make as a couple.

Or the idea that you both have to have a paycheck for it to be reasonable for your DH to agree to you building a barn on your property.

That is women saying to women..."without that ol' paycheck you are not so derserving of those extras since you can not pay for them and you should be happy for the food and shelter he gives you".

Eh... who said not deserving?

For instance - imagine I'm single and self-supporting, without much EXTRA money. Getting a horse right now would probably put me into a little debt and I don't really have a lot of extra time, might even cut into my work schedule and wear me out, plus, a big vet bill would eat my entire savings account. Would it make sense for me to get a horse right now? Or would it be better to wait until I've got a little more "padding" financially in case something goes wrong?

It's really not about who earns the money, or who contributes what. It's about making a decision that's in everybody's best interest when there isn't enough money for a "want."

[DLee]

If that doesn't work for a person - they're better of staying single. Really.

Well I guess not all of us were lucky enough to hit it right the first time with the right guy. Good for you that you were.

SOME men (and women also, of course) take advantage of a spouse who IS a giver/cooperator/team player etc. I lasted ten years with my first husband until I had had enough. I swore I wouldn't make the same mistakes again and I haven't. I have always found a way to make horses in my life happen. I am a firm believer in not waiting for things (such as retirement, or 'after the kids', or whatever) as too often that time never comes. If there is any possible way to make it work, I will find it.

As I said before, we can only really speak from our own experiences. So in that context, I spent my twenties pretty damn unhappy except for the birth of my daughters, trying to be the great wifey to a selfish and controlling man (divorced), my thirties struggling financially with a husband diagnosed with cancer, but learning to live every day (widowed) and my forties incredibly happily remarried to a widower who truly cares what I think, what I feel, and what I want. As I do him. So much. I hope we are granted a very long time together.

During all of this time, there was always a horse or more in my field. I just made it a priority. Many, many times just hugging one of them was my sanity.

It's not cut and dried, black and white, right or wrong, or anything that simple.

[goeslikestink]

I'm sorry J Swan that you feel that way about me. I was pretty sure that I was fairly independant when I move out of the house at 17 to live in another country and go to school.


i left home at 17 i had to leave as no chocie so no family and was working i brought my 1st horse at 14yrs when i left school




By which I have always had a job, even when my parents offered to pay my whole way, I still had a job, in fact two. I have always worked, I don't turn away help that is for sure but I don't ask either.



we work to enjoy what we want to do as for help then ti depends on circmstances
when i lft home i had no help what ever i did i did alone

Anyway, if you met me and saw how much work I do and how this is the first time in at least 6 years that I haven't had a job and gone to school full time.


everyone has that arguement in some point in there life
i have been made redandant 10 times but i still relay on self






And I do have a job, it is more of an intership though with my advisor so that way I can stay on top of my classes and hopefully build a good relationship with other programs like the park service in my area so I CAN land a job that I like.




this point as like - quote so i can land a job like---- it isnt what you truely want to do
and thats the root cuase of your now problem









What I'm saying is that I gave up the major I wanted, I gave up the life style that I had wanted. I give up my time and efforts for a hobby I'm liking less, which is his, and end up getting left behind anyway. And I just wanted to add that I do not live the college life. I go to class and study, go to the barn when he is at work, then go home. It's not like I'm a party girl going out every night and on weekends!










this part realtes to -- quote- so i can land a job i lke--

sometimes in life it can be harsh and unfair but in all life we have chocies a yes or a no

a negative and a positive -- you gave up becuase no doubt you fell in love and married
and went by the choosen route of your partner and not your own choosen route

this is why its a major issue now


And for everyone else that has been nice and understands where I'm coming from, my husband and I talked last night and apologized to each other. He actually even said that he wants to come out to the barn with me sometime and watch me ride!...:eek: It's worked out for now.


that becuase its a guilt trip ----you followed him
and this is so you stay there -- as a reward he will watch you ride
or
he will be kind enough to watch you do your thing once
if they arnt interested in your hobby they wont be -- this about time a peice of time as an offering --- its like a dinner plate with peti fours on it one bite and its gone

so kinda puts you in your place and to get your nonsense out your head so
an offering -------- mate i would lobster and selection of wine and
a menu of options not just crumbs









I think it was a lot of stress with other things that made him act like he did to me yesterday and I think on my side it was stress and PMS... :o so now I'm done.




this - has me thinking no young female should have pms -- or pmts without kids
you are stressed and now for my honesty

you chose a course becuase you had to give up your other course and the bottom line in all of this is what you are saying -- as going all round the horses and round the bushes
and not getting to the point- so mate i will do it for you

in all that you have done and not done you regret not doing what your heart set out to do and finish the curse you was doing - ie the equine one
so circumstance made you change your direction of course you upset
and of course you have stress and pms and do you know why becuase deep down
you are fighting you true emotions within yourself as this isnt what you wanted to be or do
but are stuck with it ----------
you have a choice- continue and get your degree in history then when that s done
i would go back and do what i set out to do inthe 1st place
no good giving up a degree half way thorugh- as you only half done
as in with your equie studies--------- think that you havent given it up as you are young think instead that you have put it on back buner until you get this degree out of the way
then as you young enough pick it up wwhere you elft it
and then go for it ---------

my mum always told me if you have a talent reagrdless what that talent is
then if you can and are able to then persuie it and encourage that talent
every one has skills in all walks of life

for exsample my daughter cant swim my son can my son cant ski but my daughter can

life is about makeing sacreifices and also making things worthwhile

marriage a partnership its not about he said that ytou can do this or that but not that
itabout joint decissions but working life is your own decsssion he cant lead you in your working life as he cant say what you are cabable of in your mind or in acamdemic
as hes not you

what you want to be is enterly up to you -- work wise


Thanks for the advise from those that were nice and understanding about how disappointed I was and not that I was pitching a fit because I want the prettiest little pony that poops rainbows in my backyard... yesterday.


if your other half is building barns for other people he must be a carpenter or somethingsimular as you havent said what it is he actually does just that he got a promotion and he drops you off at camp and oyu sort out the staff and horses etc

understand this - he he he drops you off and heh he does

your life is what you make it - your marraige is how you apply yourselves
and how each other LISTENS to the other NEEDS--

YOU GAVE UP AN EDUCATION THAT YOU ENJOYED - that is what eating you
becuase in truth what he given up for you--------

but in the same token-- sometimes circumstances takes away these things
as people dont realise what imtimidating means they do pysically ie a slap or pysically things
ie not having the horse -- menatally people can do your head in with

peice offerings after you said i could then changed his mind
and like you said it been done or hes done it beofre some will say control freak
nope you got it worng guys -- i been there

its intimmidatation do as i say chipping mentally - be aware you may love him
but dont let him just offer you crumbs all the time as peice offering
for you nnot having something

[Alagirl]

Huh? The OP's husband is supporting her and paying her bills. Food and shelter are not exactly cheap. If the parents want to give her a horse, that's very nice... but I fail to see what exactly the OP is "sacrificing" when she's living on someone else's dime. Sorry, but as an adult, one needs to understand that things cost money.



And sex and house work can cost you, too, so what is the point?

What mine is yours whats yours is mine, thats the legal way unless you have a prenub!

She is not living off of someone else's dime, she is living with her husband. And if she would be a stay at home mom, she'd be living off her husband as well.

[Trixie]

My response was in regards to someone suggesting that women make ALL the "sacrifices," which is simply not the case.

And sex and house work can cost you, too, so what is the point?

Ehmmm... :eek: Are you suggesting that those who are living on a SO's paycheck are paying in sex and housework?

[Alagirl]

My response was in regards to someone suggesting that women make ALL the "sacrifices," which is simply not the case.



Ehmmm... :eek: Are you suggesting that those who are living on a SO's paycheck are paying in sex and housework?


No, what I am saying in partnership it's not split up this way: I bring home the bacon there fore I run your life. Everybody has a job, and folding socs is also a paid position for the unmarried man! Latest figures suggest that a woman's work around house and family is worth about 138.000,00 dollars per year! And I am sure the after hour services (yep, even there are compromises to be made adn if not free, the cost you!) where not included!


So, no, the spouse is not paying in sex, but the money earner is not the boss either!

[Trixie]

Where did I suggest that the money earner is the "boss?"

[Alagirl]

Where did I suggest that the money earner is the "boss?"


When you suggested she is living off of her husband.

[Trixie]

She IS living off her husband. Same as when you said "And if she would be a stay at home mom, she'd be living off her husband as well. "

I did not say that makes him the "boss."

[Alagirl]

She IS living off her husband. Same as when you said "And if she would be a stay at home mom, she'd be living off her husband as well. "

I did not say that makes him the "boss."


Ah, yes, you are correct, you didn't say he was boss, you classified her as a leech!

There are more parts to a partnership than earning money, because other things have value, too, just because no money changes hands does not make it worthless!

[Trixie]

Um, please read my other posts.

Did you even read ANYTHING else that I wrote? Or would you prefer to just take everything out of context?

[Midge]

And then he needs to grow up, because there will be more things in life he won't be able to do, too. because that is life!


Good advice for the OP, too.

[subk]

THANK YOU!
As long as you earn a paycheck you can continue to follow your path but the minute you don't have your own paycheck because you stay home with your kids (a choice you BOTH make to give your kid a great start), to finish your education or for whatever reason, YOUR dreams are kaput and you should just deal with it and be thankful for the food he buys you and the roof over your head he allows you to share with him? LOL!
See what I mean about women doing this to women???

Angela I think you have a great point. My only disaggrement is that I'm not sure that it is "women doing this to women." Society gives tremendous lip service to how "hard," and how much "work" it is to be a stay-at-home-mom. But I don't buy it all because little things slip out. A few years ago I was running a small political organization part time from home that was recking havoc with the powers that be. Mr. Big Legislator told the paper that I was really just a front for some rich business men because I "was just a stay at home mom." The paper called me for a response to which I chastized Mr. BL and told them I had my own PR business before children and women don't get stupid just because they birthed babies." The paper was smart enough not only to use the quote, but to use it as the pull quote in big type for the whole article. :lol:

I do have women friends that work because they just can't imagine "being kept" by a man, or "not having their own money"--I think they are seriously under valueing non-material contributions to a relationship. In the end the strength of a relationship has to be about the non-material not the "stuff" (and horses quailfy as stuff!) But that's just my random opinion.

[Westlaw]

I just wanted to let you know that I didn't pitch a fit or anything or argue to get my way, because I know that if I truely did I would have my way. I know that I'm convincing, even if I'm wrong and don't know it while they do. My husband isn't being controlling really just indecisive. I know I push and I try not too. Really, I'm always watching myself to make sure that what I want is right, that is why I was really so upset, I felt like I had made the right decision after he agreed with me and then this morning he pointed out that it's a bad idea and not now. That is why I'm really disappointed, I do feel spoiled (especially now) and even more self concious(sp?) of the fact that I can argue my way out of anything even when I don't want to. And I admit I give in to my husband out of fear that i'm making the wrong decision and it's not only going to affect me but him too.

Thanks for those that understand that I'm just disappointed and worry a LOT that I'm going to be one of those mom's that bring there kids out for a lesson and say "I used to ride! I used to show and was really good then...." I think that is my one of my worst fears for my riding career. It's just hard slowly letting go of the dream that I would be a trainer/pro when I wanted that since I was tiny... I've already given up my equine degree for a history degree, I sold my horses, I'm not progressing any one horse at all since they are sale horses and only stay a month maybe, I'll never get to groom or be a working student for some amazing trainer.... it's just hard. If it makes me a brat for getting emotional about letting that go, even for just a little while maybe, then so be it.

There is so much going on here. First of all, you asked for sympathy, and I am truly sorry for your disappointment. Having a horse would be fun.

But I think that it would be a really bad idea right now.

My fess up credentials: I'm 35, and I have a young daughter and a full-time job. I supported my horse when I was in college, had no horses through grad school (I paid for law school 100%) or early career, and purchased subsequent horses while in a two-earner marriage in which I was sharing financial responsibilities. Unfortunately my marriage failed, and I can relate to posts about unsupportive spouses. Mine wasn't supportive. And now he is my ex-- for many, many other reasons. But we did try. And we were in our 30s when we made our decisions. I'm not for blaming one party or throwing it all away. I had to sell my horse to be in a place to separate, but now I have another one. Neither my marital decisions nor my financial responsibilities involved my parents.

(1) You only get one life and you have to live it. Well, if you don't have a horse right now, your riding goals will survive. It sounds like you and your husband need to work on your relationship. And if you don't work on it right now, it might not. So work on it. Which means time together.
(2) You do have some relationship issues. You are making excuses for him, and he might be a great guy, but from what I can read you are not happy with the way everything has gone so far. So, what if this relationship fails and you need to be on your own? This man is your sole source of support. If you are still in school and something goes south, you'll need to work-- and where will this horse go? Will mom and dad pay? For school, too?
(3) You are riding right now. I don't see how the question of whether you have only sale horses to ride or your very own horse makes or breaks you as a future rider.
(4) You just stated that you planned to be a rider/trainer/pro and gave that up for a history degree upon entering this marriage. Is this something that you need to revisit? How did you make that decision? Is it one that your husband or family urged upon you, or did you decide? If you want to be a rider/trainer/pro, then you might need another change, and you should have a frank conversation with your husband about how that will shape your life rather than getting a horse and allowing it to make the decision for the two of you. If you are upset that you will never be a working student, this horse won't fix it. Becoming a working student will. If you are going to do something with the history degree, then you need to face the fact that you aren't going to be a pro trainer. It is easier to ask the hard questions about that now than to get a horse as a way of persuading yourself that the two options are still open. Having your husband support you in pursuing a history degree when you don't want it isn't totally fair. And if you want him to be supportive of a possible career change, get that out on the table.
(5) You seem very young, and because you've been together for over 4 years, I'm guessing that you haven't had much practice in relationships. I'm great at math too-- you were REALLY young when you got together. Just like parents can still look at their kids as babies when they're fast becoming adults, people who started a relationship as kids can get stuck in that mentality. Your husband has been living a very adult life and you've been in school, so there might be a rift growing between you in terms of how you see the world. You need to bridge it.
(6) Please, people, don't jump on me about this, but OP, if you want to do something with your history degree-- teaching for instance-- you need to focus upon your studies. Your writing is not strong enough for someone pursuing a B.A. I understand that people write more casually on the internet, but I'm willing to bet that your writing could use a fair bit of work. It is not an easy job market out there, and writing is perhaps the most important skill for humanities graduates. You are spending money for school, and should get as much out of it as you possibly can.
(7) You are riding. There is a halfway here. This is not a situation where husband says "no riding, Wifey. Now cook me a steak."
(8) It is a bad idea to live close to the edge of your means. Your parents have offered to pay these expenses, and it is great to have them as a resource (I second the questions about tack, blankets, show fees, supplements). But you admit that you cannot afford this horse on your own. If something happened to your parents, who would pay? If something happened to your husband, do they have enough savings in reserve to pay for horse and school? I am reading posts about getting by, but people really ought to have at least a few months of rent and expenses saved for worst-case scenarios. You have debt.


I don't know your husband, and what you write about his decision-making process is certainly not flattering. It might be a serious problem of his, or it could be a response to his feeling that you are not being mature. Most likely it results from a dynamic between the two of you that ought to be fixed now.

You can pursue a degree later. You can pursue a project horse later, especially since you are already doing some riding.

You cannot pursue this marriage later.
You cannot face this decision about which career you really want later.

Put the degree or the project horse on the back burner, and you risk getting rusty and starting a little later than other people.

Put the relationship on the back burner and you risk losing it, making any small problems worse, or becoming that dissatisfied person down the road and being faced with much tougher decisions than you're facing now.

It's awfully hard. I know.

But so is life.
Life is also long. That is hard to see when you are very young, and a couple of years spent studying and paying loans seem like a lifetime.

Good luck.

[Midge]

Way to be a thread killer, Westlaw. I mean, who can say anything else?

Beautiful post.

[Dawnd]

Awesome post, westlaw.

I'm a week shy of my 15th anniversary and the one thing that I have learned is that it is ok to compromise. And by compromise, I don't mean give up what you want but to come to an understanding together about what the best course of action is and knowing what is worth fighting for/about.

I would never accept a gift that large/important from my parents, though I would certainly would love it. (anyone reading, feel free to send the horse and board checks to the address below) I've spent a lifetime proving that I am my own person, self-sufficient and independent.

[J Swan]

THANK YOU!
As long as you earn a paycheck you can continue to follow your path but the minute you don't have your own paycheck because you stay home with your kids (a choice you BOTH make to give your kid a great start), to finish your education or for whatever reason, YOUR dreams are kaput and you should just deal with it and be thankful for the food he buys you and the roof over your head he allows you to share with him? LOL!
See what I mean about women doing this to women???

Bullshit. That is only the case if you ALLOW yourself to be a doormat. If you allowed yourself to be treated like a servant in your own marriage, that does not mean that the entire female population shares your personal hell.

And for the OP, several of your posts stated that you were worried that your life was being ruined, you had visions of all your dreams going up in smoke - that sort of thing. Very melodramatic, considering your circumstances. If you like, I will go back and quote them to refresh your memory. It is unrealistic to expect strangers on the Internet to join a pity party - particularly such a selfish one.

My take on it is that you were whining. Go back and read your posts, and there is not one mention of compromise, empathy, any effort to brainstorm to come up with solutions, such as forming a real business with your parents instead of having them buy horses for you - nothing at all except me me me.

I see that you are now happy because your spouse has capitulated to you somewhat - he will spend more time at the barn with you. So now that the focus is on your needs and wants again, everything is hunky dory?

DLee - I did not mean to imply that a person was better off staying single if one marriage does not work out. What I meant is that if a person is not willing or able to compromise and is more content leading a life of complete independence, marriage is not going to offer that.


I think people are projecting too much of their own lives onto this person's thread. If you read the OP's posts, you will see that she is more concerned about her life being ruined ("having" to change majors for some reason), and generally not having the things she wants right now, and maybe her husband doesn't appreciate the parents funding his wife's hobbies - maybe he considers it interference in his marriage.

That's legitimate, even if unfounded.


When I compare the OP's "I just want to cry" thread to the real life tragedy of a dressage rider trying to attain her dreams while suffering ovarian cancer - even riding after surgeries, multiple chemo treatments - and losing her life to that cancer.... or people on this BB suffering horrible injuries, illnesses, loss of children, spouses..... sorry - the OP gets no sympathy from me. It's not worth crying over.


Westlaw - excellent post. You said it well, and with greater patience than I did.

[TB or not TB?]

Hmm... I didn't realize the OP was riding currently. That makes me much less on the "get the horse" boat, but I still think there are issues with hubby telling her what she can do. Again if he had said it the way many of you are, through thoughtful reason and support, it would be totally different.

Westlaw said everything that was on my mind re: life goals. Did I hear the OP say she changed her major to history because her husband does the reenactment things? If so, that's a huuuuuuuuuuge red flag. If not, then pay me no mind :;)

[MaggieMagoo]

thank you westlaw.

Amazingly last night the husband and I talked for a long time and he actually mentioned that he would like to come out to the barn!:eek: I asked him if he really meant it or if he would go with me and whine the whole time whilst making fun of me.:rolleyes: But he said that he would honestly like to come out and spend time. I think he finally realized that it's a two way street and he needs to spend time with me doing something that I love. I have also compromised and promised not to go riding in the mornings but to wait till the afternoons between leaving my work study and going to my night classes.

He even mentioned that he would like to eventually get a horse for himself.:eek: I nearly fell over. :lol: Then when he said "This weekend would be a great weekend to go trail riding. I just about died.:dead: so this weekend we have canceled all of our plans so that we can spend the whole weekend uninterrupted.

As far as my history degree, I like history, I'd rather be riding, training or showing but that "isn't a steady income". I don't plan on teaching or writing with my degree but rather I would like to incorporate my Major and Minor (historic preservation) and work either at a museum, archive or national park. haha and as for my writing I know it can be horrid, I generally write pages of notes and many rough drafts before I come to a completed paper. I'm a stream of consciousness writer, I admit it. I write and write then go back and realize I have started sentences in the middle of other sentences... and everything is a mess so I cut and paste till I think it's fit to be turned in. Amazingly I still get good grades. I just have to work hard at it.

[goeslikestink]

There is so much going on here. First of all, you asked for sympathy, and I am truly sorry for your disappointment. Having a horse would be fun.

But I think that it would be a really bad idea right now.

My fess up credentials: I'm 35, and I have a young daughter and a full-time job. I supported my horse when I was in college, had no horses through grad school (I paid for law school 100%) or early career, and purchased subsequent horses while in a two-earner marriage in which I was sharing financial responsibilities. Unfortunately my marriage failed, and I can relate to posts about unsupportive spouses. Mine wasn't supportive. And now he is my ex-- for many, many other reasons. But we did try. And we were in our 30s when we made our decisions. I'm not for blaming one party or throwing it all away. I had to sell my horse to be in a place to separate, but now I have another one. Neither my marital decisions nor my financial responsibilities involved my parents.

(1) You only get one life and you have to live it. Well, if you don't have a horse right now, your riding goals will survive. It sounds like you and your husband need to work on your relationship. And if you don't work on it right now, it might not. So work on it. Which means time together.
(2) You do have some relationship issues. You are making excuses for him, and he might be a great guy, but from what I can read you are not happy with the way everything has gone so far. So, what if this relationship fails and you need to be on your own? This man is your sole source of support. If you are still in school and something goes south, you'll need to work-- and where will this horse go? Will mom and dad pay? For school, too?
(3) You are riding right now. I don't see how the question of whether you have only sale horses to ride or your very own horse makes or breaks you as a future rider.
(4) You just stated that you planned to be a rider/trainer/pro and gave that up for a history degree upon entering this marriage. Is this something that you need to revisit? How did you make that decision? Is it one that your husband or family urged upon you, or did you decide? If you want to be a rider/trainer/pro, then you might need another change, and you should have a frank conversation with your husband about how that will shape your life rather than getting a horse and allowing it to make the decision for the two of you. If you are upset that you will never be a working student, this horse won't fix it. Becoming a working student will. If you are going to do something with the history degree, then you need to face the fact that you aren't going to be a pro trainer. It is easier to ask the hard questions about that now than to get a horse as a way of persuading yourself that the two options are still open. Having your husband support you in pursuing a history degree when you don't want it isn't totally fair. And if you want him to be supportive of a possible career change, get that out on the table.
(5) You seem very young, and because you've been together for over 4 years, I'm guessing that you haven't had much practice in relationships. I'm great at math too-- you were REALLY young when you got together. Just like parents can still look at their kids as babies when they're fast becoming adults, people who started a relationship as kids can get stuck in that mentality. Your husband has been living a very adult life and you've been in school, so there might be a rift growing between you in terms of how you see the world. You need to bridge it.
(6) Please, people, don't jump on me about this, but OP, if you want to do something with your history degree-- teaching for instance-- you need to focus upon your studies. Your writing is not strong enough for someone pursuing a B.A. I understand that people write more casually on the internet, but I'm willing to bet that your writing could use a fair bit of work. It is not an easy job market out there, and writing is perhaps the most important skill for humanities graduates. You are spending money for school, and should get as much out of it as you possibly can.
(7) You are riding. There is a halfway here. This is not a situation where husband says "no riding, Wifey. Now cook me a steak."
(8) It is a bad idea to live close to the edge of your means. Your parents have offered to pay these expenses, and it is great to have them as a resource (I second the questions about tack, blankets, show fees, supplements). But you admit that you cannot afford this horse on your own. If something happened to your parents, who would pay? If something happened to your husband, do they have enough savings in reserve to pay for horse and school? I am reading posts about getting by, but people really ought to have at least a few months of rent and expenses saved for worst-case scenarios. You have debt.


I don't know your husband, and what you write about his decision-making process is certainly not flattering. It might be a serious problem of his, or it could be a response to his feeling that you are not being mature. Most likely it results from a dynamic between the two of you that ought to be fixed now.

You can pursue a degree later. You can pursue a project horse later, especially since you are already doing some riding.

You cannot pursue this marriage later.
You cannot face this decision about which career you really want later.

Put the degree or the project horse on the back burner, and you risk getting rusty and starting a little later than other people.

Put the relationship on the back burner and you risk losing it, making any small problems worse, or becoming that dissatisfied person down the road and being faced with much tougher decisions than you're facing now.

It's awfully hard. I know.

But so is life.
Life is also long. That is hard to see when you are very young, and a couple of years spent studying and paying loans seem like a lifetime.

Good luck.


seconded kind says it better then me - but then they know i aint good at writting
but this is facts here i think same as what iwas trying to point out after reading everything you said op-- you have issues and its not with the horse getting- as i said
get down to the nitty gritty what really bothering you find the cuase then dsort the problem and the horse isnt it



you know when i was little i wanted to be a vet, my hubby wanted to be a pilot
we all have dreams

i am not clever enought well didnt get any exsams becuase i changes school at a vital time in my life as 12 in them days you leaft school at 14 and mock gsce were 12 well school joint with 7 others 9000 pupils and 28 teachers to alesson didnt learn a blloming thing plus i have deslextic - which in them days you were treated as a dunce even had a dunce hat to match my dunceness haha

but even tho i wasnt a vet i vouled that i would do something for horses or be in horses
and i left school and went to work for lse as a copy typist good job it was copying haha
from there i went emi film studios to work f as a typist whoops no copying----- good job i had a dictionary - and a plan haha
from there work in a bank as junior worked up to grade 3 hop over to an american bank as it paid more money and became a team manager grade 5
and yes folks no exsams -----now i am rep after having kids as i dont wont the
stress andf strians fo 9-- till dot and the hassle of agreements etc i could if i wanted be bank branch assitant manager have 15yrs n it - but nah
as for the horses in my working life i have resuced and re- hab thousands not hundreds not one but thousands well i had the money then-- lately becuase of goverment changes and rules not so many abused horses and ponies about just the odd one good job to getting older

but my point -- i have never not acheived what i wish to achieve and nothing has stopped me doing waht i want to do marriage as well hanst stopped me
hubby on ther hand is brian box my sons follows his leed in mind and job types of whizz guru in computers and stuff my daughter is like me a hands on type person ability to try and do anything that comes along
to deal with as i have and do -

what we dream to be half the time we never are but we can come a good close to
that dream -- i always said i would have my own place to do my thing at the age of 21 i did
i rented the place i have my horses at now and i brought my own home by the time i was 22
not hubby me as when i work in a bank back then 3% morgage god hahah


only one person can achieve what you want in life and thats your ownself
its abit like-- he touched me only you can allow who touches you with your permisson
life and how you make your chose and which direction you go is your choice no one esles
if it is then its not your own choosing -- which will lead to
a relationship problem- you have to decide -- no one esle can do that for you
but you

i was determine to prove that i could make it by self in this world at 17
as i was throw out and had nothing except the clothes on my back wasnt throw out becuase iwas nuaghty i was throw out becuase i was pregnant and i lost it came back for the hosptial
as it lost it on medical grounds and my parents throw me out as in them days it was a sin

i had nothing and no money i did have my pony which i broiught at 14 i lsot my job
everything-- so i got a place to live and another job becuase my boy needed food and i never looked back and that was when i was in bank 1- and then lost it but got bank 2 job

you say you gave up everything -- i didnt have that choice
but i was dertermined to make my life better- and i did - i didnt owe anyone
didnt have the help just had me--

my point life is hard but theres a dame sight lot more people out in the world that have it harder than you -me inclcuded but unless you believe in yourself you wont achieve nothing
and i havent any xsams to self but what i do have is knowing my strenghts and weaknesses and having the abillity to relay on my strenghts and charator commonsense and logic
to pull me thorough plus the fact i have the gift of the gab---------hahaha

you have to be you

[MaggieMagoo]

I never said that my life was being ruined. I said I wanted to cry from disappointment. And I think it's unfair for you to say to me I'm not allowed to feel those emotions just because I'm not going throw a horrific illness/injury/etc.

I agree whole heartedly that I'm not in anyway shape or form close to what those other people are going through, they are in a league of thier own. I don't even have words to describe.

[MaggieMagoo]

GLS I applaud you. You have lead an interesting hard life! You're right I do have a lot more than a lot of others.

[Candle]

I think we've all been in your situation at one point or another, and you're right. You have a right to feeling disappointed and upset over this. I'm really glad it seems to be working out for you.

[J Swan]

It was what I inferred from your posts. Everyone has disappointments; it's a part of what one expects in life. I don't cry over them or even feel like doing so.

My concern is your marriage. Again, you feel better because now he is doing yet another thing to support your hobby. That concerns me. Because it appears that he's making another effort, and it may or may not be sincere. People often do things to please other people, and it's fine - but sometimes people try to please other people and harbor resentment, too.

You're both young, and so is the marriage. Work on establishing a strong relationship - in which both parties are content, and everything else will come in time.

I never said that my life was being ruined. I said I wanted to cry from disappointment. And I think it's unfair for you to say to me I'm not allowed to feel those emotions just because I'm not going throw a horrific illness/injury/etc.

I agree whole heartedly that I'm not in anyway shape or form close to what those other people are going through, they are in a league of thier own. I don't even have words to describe.

[goeslikestink]

you missed the point--
i have trouble getting it in the right context most poeple know that
but life isnt a bed of roses all the time and nor is a marriage
it has to be half and half and it has to be a joint deccsion when we go into thing as a partnership you carreer as his carreer is a different kind of partner ships
in what that brings you in life
i like history and in fact is one of best subject especially world war 1 and 2 and tudor richard 1st and so on
its important to keep that part of our heriatage i think
any history really--
my point you have to decide where you going-- as you have a doubt
and doubts crate fear and hesitiatant in any kind of relationship---
strike you lead then follow your plan-- opportunities knock but then so does disapoinemts
life has it ups and downs - it excite, it sad, its happy, but we can only make life
what it is for us by doing what we do-- you chose your direction no one else did
so follow it --

[Angela Freda]

Sounds like he flipped again.
What a roller coaster.
I would want to cry too.
thank you westlaw.

Amazingly last night the husband and I talked for a long time and he actually mentioned that he would like to come out to the barn!:eek: I asked him if he really meant it or if he would go with me and whine the whole time whilst making fun of me.:rolleyes: But he said that he would honestly like to come out and spend time. I think he finally realized that it's a two way street and he needs to spend time with me doing something that I love. I have also compromised and promised not to go riding in the mornings but to wait till the afternoons between leaving my work study and going to my night classes.

He even mentioned that he would like to eventually get a horse for himself.:eek: I nearly fell over. :lol: Then when he said "This weekend would be a great weekend to go trail riding. I just about died.:dead: so this weekend we have canceled all of our plans so that we can spend the whole weekend uninterrupted.

As far as my history degree, I like history, I'd rather be riding, training or showing but that "isn't a steady income". I don't plan on teaching or writing with my degree but rather I would like to incorporate my Major and Minor (historic preservation) and work either at a museum, archive or national park. haha and as for my writing I know it can be horrid, I generally write pages of notes and many rough drafts before I come to a completed paper. I'm a stream of consciousness writer, I admit it. I write and write then go back and realize I have started sentences in the middle of other sentences... and everything is a mess so I cut and paste till I think it's fit to be turned in. Amazingly I still get good grades. I just have to work hard at it.

[Angela Freda]

Bullshit. That is only the case if you ALLOW yourself to be a doormat. If you allowed yourself to be treated like a servant in your own marriage, that does not mean that the entire female population shares your personal hell.
You completely missed what I was saying.
Maybe I need to write more clearly.

[J Swan]

Maybe.

If he flip flopping? If you go back and read the OP's posts, she admits that she's good at manipulating.

So is he flip flopping, or was he worn down until he agreed to again, see things her way. Which is why she is happy now. He may not want to actually do anything with horses - he's just trying to make her happy but his heart really isn't into it.

Which is why I warned the OP that such a reaction can mask a harbored resentment.

This isn't about horses, it's about a relationship - and it seems that both parties probably need to put the horse thing on the back burner until their situation is more stable.

That doesn't mean anything except not adding another stress on the marriage right now, not giving up any chance of personal fulfillment.

The OP is still riding horses - which is a heck of a lot more than a lot of us were doing at her age. Her spouse has not said she cannot pursue her goals; indeed, her plans to put her degree to work are not at issue, there is no attempt to deny her an education, force her to be subservient - just not get a horse right now - even if bankrolled by her parents.

It's really not a big deal to wait until the timing is right. She's 22, not 82. A year from now she may have 10 horses for all she knows.

[Angela Freda]

If he flip flopping? If you go back and read the OP's posts, she admits that she's good at manipulating.
Ok sure I get that, but then it speaks to his maturity also that he flip flops when/if she whines.. or whatever. I am reading in her words (note *her* words) that he said sure to the horse, then an emphatic no, and now HE wants one? Maybe he needs to stop and think about things for a good long while before reacting or responding?

It's really not a big deal to wait until the timing is right. She's 22, not 82. A year from now she may have 10 horses for all she knows.
See I do not think that is fair to throw in there.
What if she gets hit and killed by a speeding toboggan this winter.
Sometimes life is way shorter than we ever expected. Not everyone lives to 82 or even 32.

[MaggieMagoo]

What if she gets hit and killed by a speeding toboggan this winter.
.

that made me laugh out loud. Unfortunately, I would not be surprised... well maybe about the dieing part but not about the accident.

and I did not say I was good at manipulating. I said I was good at arguing my point. There is a difference. I use facts that are to the best of my knowledge or I do research to prove my point. I do not intentionally lie or twist facts or play games to get my way.

[Angela Freda]

that made me laugh out loud.
Phew finally someone who can see humor!
I started out offing you with the much over done bus... but I really wanted you to go out in a unique way... thus the toboggan. I had forgotten where you lived and hoped it wasn't HI or somewhere a Toboggan would certainly not be speeding.
(ok I hope you are still laughing! :D)

[goeslikestink]

angela thats so true my matey lost her hubby at 32
left her with 2 kids-- he had a heeart attack
mind you - you can get killed just by crossing a road- enught said on being pesimestic

i hear what you saying hence why i said hes offfering peice offering as crumbs so the nonsesne stops---
as to her getting a horse she has the means as her will pay for it
it not about money its not about the horse - a man can be proud to--
as he dont want it can he anit brought it -- but will say this as i know i have a non horsey but then i had my pony before i met him
so-- it always been there in me but hen i get another moans--
used to moan heaps and make excuses -- but i ddidnt hear them to well as it my money my space-- i dont tell him where to go or what time to be in--
so i dont-- i do my thing he does his-- actually can work in your favour well does mine

its time spent and quality of time spent --
if hes making an offering hes offering crumbs--- to keep the peice maybe
or perhaps to get out of something he dont want--
promises promises - she been with him 4yrs 2yrs married--

you knwo the old saying you dont learn to drive till you pass your test

realtionships are testing-- and you have to argue or disagree or agree push shove debate
whatever-- in order so you can learn from one another as really and truely you dont that person inside out and until you live with that person 24/7

i feel this relationship is testing not oly there strenghts but commitment to each other
one half has given up a lot - the other works but then man is surpose to be the the bredwinner- but in some cases if the female has better qualifications or better or improve the ifestlye then man can get up set chivalry and all that--
some times men can be jealous with neddy as they are competion for affection and time
bit like having an acholic drinking and the woman say is in competion with a bottle--
or drug--

so they see the horse as competion and are afriad of losing you 24/7 but
you can t control or imtimdiate someone just becuase you dont want it --
if the boot was on the other foot then what has her hubby given up fro therlifestye or furture lifestlye when qualified --------------- nothing

[Picasso]

but...

I got married very young. I had a baby very young (20). My husband is enlisted in the Army, so we had nothing. NOTHING. We made a conscious decision that I would stay home because that was important to me and to him. So we ate lots of mac and cheese and I kept my pulse in the horse world by riding with friends when I could. As he was promoted, we would save. I was the master coupon cutter, we would put what was saved with those into an account. We finally had enough to buy a little house on a few acres. My husband fenced this all in by hand and then built a little barn piece by piece. We couldn't afford the horse yet, but when we could, he wanted it ready for me. I wanted it as soon as the last hinge was put on the stall door! He said "not yet". Was he controlling? Manipulating? Teasing me with a barn? No. He was responsible. We continued to save, and when we had enough plus a fund for emergencies that crop up, we bought a horse. A warmblood? A grand prix show jumper? a *** Eventor? Nope. My little loony Picasso.

Fast forward (OP, this is the important part). My very responsible husband (NOT controlling, responsible! My counter balance, mind you) put me through school (BS and grad school), we had another baby, I continued to stay home and we continued to live frugally until that one went to school full time. Then I went to work. Now we own a bigger house (no taj mahal, but not 1200 square feet!) and 3 horses (one of which is still my little Picasso). I've been married 17 years and it hasn't all been roses, but I recognize its not "my life" or "his life" its "our life". Rarely does that "our" equal 50/50 each time. Sometimes its 90/10, or 70/30 or 99/1 (both ways!). He is not a "horse" person, I don't expect him to ride. Since I don't expect it, I am never disappointed! He does pull the trailer. He can fix a horsey boo-boo just as well as he fixes people boo-boos.

In summary, I understand the lean years seem like they will stretch into forever, but they don't. I've been right where you are, and I can tell you, my husbands "responsibleness" has made me angry on more than one occasion because I WANTED IT NOW. But the reality is, without that trait, I wouldn't have the ability to board 3 horses at our trainer's facility. I wouldn't be able to afford 2 lessons per week for me and both my girls. I wouldn't own 2 horse trailers and a big 'ol truck to pull them. And I wouldn't be able to let my girls compete at the level they do as often as they do (they both event). The horses, and everything that goes with them, will be there when you are ready for them.

[PiedPiper]

My one other piece of advice, you want that horse sooner than later, don't get pregnant any time soon. That is a sure fire way to postpone it for another decade.

But seriously that is something you guys might need to discuss now. My husband and I really don't plan on having children so owning three horses is less of a dealbreaker as it is money coming out of a vacation fund more so than for someone's college tuition.

See this is why I advocate the dating for a decade rule. From high school, through college, and then post college we dealt with almost all the relationship issues early on so by the time we got married we had thing down pretty well. The next couple years took some getting used to living together wise, but the major issues were hashed out.

If you don't mind me asking, why did you guys get married so young? Why not just stay dating through college? Goodness college is hard enough without adding a new marriage into it.

[Westlaw]

but...

I got married very young. I had a baby very young (20). My husband is enlisted in the Army, so we had nothing. NOTHING. We made a conscious decision that I would stay home because that was important to me and to him. So we ate lots of mac and cheese and I kept my pulse in the horse world by riding with friends when I could. As he was promoted, we would save. I was the master coupon cutter, we would put what was saved with those into an account. We finally had enough to buy a little house on a few acres. My husband fenced this all in by hand and then built a little barn piece by piece. We couldn't afford the horse yet, but when we could, he wanted it ready for me. I wanted it as soon as the last hinge was put on the stall door! He said "not yet". Was he controlling? Manipulating? Teasing me with a barn? No. He was responsible. We continued to save, and when we had enough plus a fund for emergencies that crop up, we bought a horse. A warmblood? A grand prix show jumper? a *** Eventor? Nope. My little loony Picasso.

Fast forward (OP, this is the important part). My very responsible husband (NOT controlling, responsible! My counter balance, mind you) put me through school (BS and grad school), we had another baby, I continued to stay home and we continued to live frugally until that one went to school full time. Then I went to work. Now we own a bigger house (no taj mahal, but not 1200 square feet!) and 3 horses (one of which is still my little Picasso). I've been married 17 years and it hasn't all been roses, but I recognize its not "my life" or "his life" its "our life". Rarely does that "our" equal 50/50 each time. Sometimes its 90/10, or 70/30 or 99/1 (both ways!). He is not a "horse" person, I don't expect him to ride. Since I don't expect it, I am never disappointed! He does pull the trailer. He can fix a horsey boo-boo just as well as he fixes people boo-boos.

In summary, I understand the lean years seem like they will stretch into forever, but they don't. I've been right where you are, and I can tell you, my husbands "responsibleness" has made me angry on more than one occasion because I WANTED IT NOW. But the reality is, without that trait, I wouldn't have the ability to board 3 horses at our trainer's facility. I wouldn't be able to afford 2 lessons per week for me and both my girls. I wouldn't own 2 horse trailers and a big 'ol truck to pull them. And I wouldn't be able to let my girls compete at the level they do as often as they do (they both event). The horses, and everything that goes with them, will be there when you are ready for them.


That was beautiful. Your family sounds beautiful. The image of your husband putting the barn together piece by piece put a lump in my throat. The only thing that would be more touching would be to learn that he has a single brother in Maryland. Wonderful story. You two ought to be proud.

[pony89]

I just don't see these controlling motives behind the flip flopping. Only the OP knows the real situation, of course, but I can't describe how many times the following scenario has occurred in my marriage. One or the other of us has some idea, and we talk excitedly about it for a few days and agree to it. A few days or weeks later, one or the other of us lands back on earth, and says, you know what, this is not a very wise idea at the moment. This does not necessarily make the naysayer an evil, controlling person. It means that sometimes it is fun to dream and plan about things that would make us happy, but when it really comes down to it, it just wouldn't be wise to proceed and someone has to say it. Part of being mature is that the disappointed party recognizes that it needs to be that way, and accepts it gracefully. This has happened to both of us in much more important matters than buying a horse, such as where we will live, family planning, etc.

And it is hardly fair to crucify the poor man as a flip flopper because now he is trying to show some interest and wants a horse "someday". He is being set up in some of these posts as not being able to do anything right. He's controlling if he says no, and wishy washy if he is supportive. What's wrong with dreaming about what you could do together when you are more stable?

Some people may truly be in abusive relationships, and only the OP knows if that is the case for her. The vast majority of men are not out to get us, "flex their muscles" over us, control us, etc. If you are in the non-abusive category, I will share a little insight that I learned in the first few years of my marriage that revolutionized my relationship:

Whatever comes out of your spouse's mouth, believe the best of him. Don't assume that he is saying or doing things just to irritate you or hurt you, because chances are, he is not. He may be thoughtless, or having a bad day, and he may be in the wrong, but don't ascribe evil motives to him, because he probably doesn't have them. In any relationship, you only have the power to change yourself. You have all the control to set the tone by how you react to stuff like that.

I am embarrassed to say that I learned that when I realized that I was treating my dog better than my husband. I stopped one day and thought about the fact that I could walk into the house, find the couch half eaten by the puppy, and not get angry at him. Yet, my husband could walk in the door, and I would be all over him because of something he left out, or something he forgot to do for me. When I stopped to think about that, I realized that I was giving the dog a break because I knew he wasn't trying to make me mad, but I was not giving my husband the same benefit of the doubt that I would give to a girlfriend, boss, coworker, or dog :no: Just a little marital advice, not like you asked for it, but I hope it will help you. Changing my own attitude got me more results than any of the harping, pouting, asking nicely, or any other attempts to change him.

OP, I am glad that your DH is wanting to get more involved! I wish the very best to you. In many ways, I wouldn't go back to those first couple of years of marriage for anything, because it is just hard. It is very rewarding to stick it out and work together for the long haul

[tbtrailrider]

I have not read everyone's responses...but here is my 2cents....I know why you wanted to cry...people cry when they are sad...He is always doing that to you, isn't he? Giving you these little tidbits to passify you for whatever reason...then taking them away...it's a power thing. You are sad because you really don't want to work in a museum...you cry becuase you are torn between your husband and your dream. You said you have problems "making the right decisions" According to who? Him I bet.I wouldn't be surprised if you don't go trail riding this weekend...
Be your own person and do what you want now...before it is too late. I am pushing fifty...have no real job skills because I made some bad decisions 20 plus years ago. I should be managing a big Kentucky TB farm...and i would be if I had listened to my heart instead of my husband..

[RiddleMeThis]

Ok I read the first few pages and then the last so sorry if I missed some things. Her parents are offering her a gift right?

To everyone who says your parents shouldn't be buying things for you once your gone, do your parets still give you a birthday gift? What about a chirstams gift?With your logic they shouldn't be doing that either.

To those who say he is being responsible. No he is being controling. Responsibe is someone who says hunny lets talk about this and then gives his reasons and has a discussion about it. Controlling is someone who just says no and thats that which is what he OP SO seems to be doing.

It is your parents money not his, nor will it ever be his. So yes you are a partnership but he does not have the right to tell you if you can or cannot accept a gift.

And I may have missed it but where does the OP say that the SO is supporting her?


ETA: I just talked to my boyfriend about this. He said while he doesnt think it's the right time for it but if I wanted it and my parents really were paying for everything then thats between me and them and not his place to tell me no.

[dalpal]

I haven't read all the responses...but, do you really think that youre going to have all the time in the world? In other words, if your husband is demanding all your free time now, why do you think that will change in the future? With this attitude, you may never have a horse.

No marriage is perfect....but this sounds like a control issue to me, especially since he says okay and then jerks the rug out from under you.

I am lucky in the sense that the only thing that holds me back from owning my own farm at this time is the fact that we don't have the money....it's not a support issue....if we were mega wealthy, mine would buy me whatever horse I wanted.

I dated one guy who resented the horses and always bitched about them. He was a total ass. I ended up in therapy over that SOB, and the therapist said to me....If he truly loved/respected you, he would embrace just how important those horses are to you instead of resenting them.

Marriage is a two way street, that's for sure, but it doesn't give one the right to tell the other what they can and cannot do....it should be a discussion.

If this is a contract between you and your parents, I'd tell him to stuff it...but that's me.

[subk]

My one other piece of advice, you want that horse sooner than later, don't get pregnant any time soon. That is a sure fire way to postpone it for another decade.
That's just a bunch of hooey!

I gave up riding for about 3 years while I gave birth to two children. When the youngest was one year old I bought a greenie and by the time that child was a decade old the greenie horse and I had been long listed by the USET. Before kids I had never ridden above Training.

Is it hard to do that? You bet. But the goal is doable if she wants to work hard and make sacrifices.

It is your parents money not his, nor will it ever be his.
Umm, wrong. If she inherits it's quite possible it's his money too, unless she has a prenupt.

[RiddleMeThis]

Umm, wrong. If she inherits it's quite possible it's his money too, unless she has a prenupt.

Well the money that they are spending on her now isn't his money. He has no control over that.

[Jimmy]

You people are nuts!

The OP's husband is controlling, blah, blah, blah!

I love horses as much as everyone on this forum, however doesn't there come a time when responsibility and "life" becomes priority? You're not going to die if you don't own a horse when A/ You are in school B/ Recently married C/ Not working

That's wonderful that her parents want to buy her the horse as a "gift" but where are all the people who always post "you shouldn't have a horse if you aren't able to take care of it ie vet bills"?

I don't blame her husband one bit for saying he is not comfortable with it. Why put yourself in a situation where you are relying on someone else to support you? Support yourself and then support your own horse. You are married….for richer, for poorer
…..

[RiddleMeThis]

She is working. At least thats what I remembered reading. Money isn't truely an issue the ones payingfor it DO have the money to take care of it. They are not supporting her they are giving her a gift.