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Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 26, 2007, 02:01 AM
Perhaps something like this....
Hi honey, I know I just went to watch the saddle fitting at the barn, but "we've" just purchased a wonderful saddle. Yes, it is perfect for "our" mare and it was a really good deal considering the fit and the quality of the saddle. I'll never need to buy another saddle as long as I live.

*sigh* So far he knows I need to get a new saddle, I just haven't explained I already put a large down payment on it. This sounded bad enough in my head, yet it's looking worse in print. Any ideas? (humor always appreciated)

Reynard Ridge
Jun. 26, 2007, 06:16 AM
I'll never need to buy another saddle as long as I live.

Do not, whatever you do, say the above. Alas, it is a fantasy and will come back and bit you in the patottie.

Buying saddles is like falling in love when we were in high school. Each new love is exquisite and perfect and the Only One We Will Ever Need. Saddles - as much as we may love them today - eventually fade like old what's-his-name from Advanced Placement Chemistry. :yes:

Promising to never need another one - well, reflect for a moment on "Paradise By the Dashboard Light." You might just end up praying for the end of time. ;)

xQHDQ
Jun. 26, 2007, 06:25 AM
I was in the exact same situation!

When I got home and told my husband he said "That's okay, I just bought a new set of golf clubs."

Maybe you'll be surprised too.

Good luck.

Bogey2
Jun. 26, 2007, 06:51 AM
When I got home and told my husband he said "That's okay, I just bought a new set of golf clubs."
:lol:

tempichange
Jun. 26, 2007, 09:00 AM
Liquor helps!

I think this is one of the reasons why we keep our accounts seperate, so that way we don't have to justify expenses. But, I would just say that this is apart of horse ownership, and you'll put back the money at a later date.

STF
Jun. 26, 2007, 09:24 AM
Ok, Im a queen at this, so listen close! When it comes to new horses and new tack, Ive got it all covered!

1) You MUST have your own "fun money" account! So you can save up and buy what you need.

2) If its asked "where did that saddle come from" just say your borrowing it or you traded it out

3) If you do admit it, swear to sell all your other saddles on Ebay to make up for the cost

4) If it gets ugly, throw the wild card of "Hey, would you walk around in shoes that dont fit!!? Dont expect him to ride well in a saddle that does not fit!" WE (always say WE!!) did not pay that much money for him to hurt his back!!"

And for new horses - its easy!! Just keep them all the same color!! All my horses are primarly black or dark bay and he cant really tell them apart anymore! :lol:

WBLover
Jun. 26, 2007, 09:36 AM
This is probably more info that you all want to know, but I just put on some nice lingerie and have a "special" night with him. Then I break the news to him while he's still in his blissful stupor....hee hee!!

The last time I got a new saddle and told him it was the last one I'll ever need, he said "Yeah, right!".....(he's learned).

Robyn
Jun. 26, 2007, 09:38 AM
Timing and sex are your friend...

Dalfan
Jun. 26, 2007, 09:42 AM
Is there a reason you must tell him about the saddle in the first place?

I guess if he would know the money is missing.....but if he doesn't keep track of such things...does he really NEED to know?

angel
Jun. 26, 2007, 09:42 AM
Why try to beat around the bush? Just go home and tell him that you bought a saddle today. Period. End of story. Why do you feel the need to weasel around about the telling?

TXDressur
Jun. 26, 2007, 09:50 AM
I don't even think my fiance knows I have certain things. I've got so much of it, and he's not all that knowledgable in the horse-stuff (though he can critique a canter pirouette better than anyone I've seen! :eek:).

I've already discussed with him... he knew before meeting me that I had horses, I've always have had horses, and I always will.

I had an ex-boyfriend point blank tell me "It's the horses or me." HE THOUGHT HE HAD TO ASK!?!?!?! :eek::lol::lol::lol: that's why he's an ex (among other things).

eurofoal
Jun. 26, 2007, 10:43 AM
Ok, Im a queen at this, so listen close! When it comes to new horses and new tack, Ive got it all covered!

1) You MUST have your own "fun money" account! So you can save up and buy what you need.

2) If its asked "where did that saddle come from" just say your borrowing it or you traded it out

3) If you do admit it, swear to sell all your other saddles on Ebay to make up for the cost

4) If it gets ugly, throw the wild card of "Hey, would you walk around in shoes that dont fit!!? Dont expect him to ride well in a saddle that does not fit!" WE (always say WE!!) did not pay that much money for him to hurt his back!!"


And for new horses - its easy!! Just keep them all the same color!! All my horses are primarly black or dark bay and he cant really tell them apart anymore! :lol:

I completely agree with STF's approach, except add the sex to keep him happy.

dressagedevon
Jun. 26, 2007, 10:55 AM
I agree with the same color of horses and they can never tell, my husband can because he helps me out so much around the barn and he likes our horses, but my parents on the other hand, I have had one for 14 years and another for about two months and they can't tell the difference between the two! Your husband will forgive you they alaways usually seem to, deep down I think they all expect it when it comes to horsey women.

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 26, 2007, 11:39 AM
Your responses are great! Thank you.

BTW, he already bought a set of custom golf clubs a few years ago, though you know, he didn’t tell me until he brought them home. I wonder if I have to tell him if I never bring the saddle home?

We do have separate (though still technically joint) accounts and I did get paid yesterday…isn’t timing everything?

STF – love your comment on keeping horses all the same color! Too funny!

The discussion of a “special night” with him has already been brought up right after the saddle purchase. Since men are men this always seems to work, but how many times can one use this?

Dalfan has brought up a good point as well…does he really need to know? Unfortunately I don’t know if I cannot tell him as what if he does that to me in the future? Not sure I’d be happy about that.

Angel – not trying to weasel, just feeling guilty about making the decision without consulting him about a spendy purchase and now how to deal with it. If I had called him I don’t know which way he would have voted, so I didn’t call. Bad wife. I know I have to tell him….perhaps after I list my other saddle on ebay along with whatever else I can find, though I’m still going to be short of the overall cost of the new saddle…but wow is it nice and does my mare move like magic in it!

Dalfan
Jun. 26, 2007, 11:50 AM
BTW, he already bought a set of custom golf clubs a few years ago, though you know, he didn’t tell me until he brought them home.

Well, there you go! I suppose you could just mention the purchase, just like he did with the clubs.

If you are the one running the checkbook (as I am :winkgrin:;)), it is very easy to, shall we say, disguise such purchases. I am fortunate, my hubby has no desire to take a look-see. :lol:

slc2
Jun. 26, 2007, 11:51 AM
separate bank accounts, and a budget of how much money goes to the house and joint expenses, helps keep these things straight. i've seen too many women get divorced over horses.

Lori
Jun. 26, 2007, 11:59 AM
Ok, Im a queen at this, so listen close! When it comes to new horses and new tack, Ive got it all covered!

1) You MUST have your own "fun money" account! So you can save up and buy what you need.

2) If its asked "where did that saddle come from" just say your borrowing it or you traded it out

3) If you do admit it, swear to sell all your other saddles on Ebay to make up for the cost

4) If it gets ugly, throw the wild card of "Hey, would you walk around in shoes that dont fit!!? Dont expect him to ride well in a saddle that does not fit!" WE (always say WE!!) did not pay that much money for him to hurt his back!!"

And for new horses - its easy!! Just keep them all the same color!! All my horses are primarly black or dark bay and he cant really tell them apart anymore! :lol:

OMG you are hilarious, but your advise is SO TRUE!!!! Too bad my second pony went from black to a white few spot palomino POA. Guess I goofed on that color thing..... But I swear if it were not for that, my BF would not know the difference.

Robyn
Jun. 26, 2007, 12:06 PM
<<Since men are men this always seems to work. But how many times can one use this?>>

You're kidding, right?

The word "always" comes to mind.

citydog
Jun. 26, 2007, 12:13 PM
I really don't get many of these posts. Presumably you're a grown-up, yes? You have your own money and you're meeting your household financial responsibilities, yes? So just buy the damn saddle. Why does it have to be justified/hidden/softened/couched?

The "Oopsie daddy's widdle girlie has been vewy baaaaaad" and "sammitch/bj" crap on here (and other threads) is bloody insane.

Ja Da Dee
Jun. 26, 2007, 12:22 PM
Well, hubby and I generally discuss large expenses before we write the check, but sometimes I forget to tell him, or assume that the very general discussion we had a month ago was him understanding that I'm doing something. If I were you, I would just tell him that you bought a new saddle because you need one. For the money we spend keeping horses and taking lessons, in the long run, the correct saddle saves money. Shipping dozens of used saddles to see if they fit goes through the saddle budget fast. Riding in a saddle that doesn't fit is more than just a waste of time, <at least with my horse> it's dangerous.

dressage72
Jun. 26, 2007, 12:30 PM
I really don't get many of these posts. Presumably you're a grown-up, yes? You have your own money and you're meeting your household financial responsibilities, yes? So just buy the damn saddle. Why does it have to be justified/hidden/softened/couched?

The "Oopsie daddy's widdle girlie has been vewy baaaaaad" and "sammitch/bj" crap on here (and other threads) is bloody insane.

Citydog, wow either you stepped off the wrong side of the bed this morning, lack your cup of coffee or JUST have no plain damn sense of humor!

THIS IS FREAKING FUNNY! Come on LIGHTEN UP! I can't TELL you how many times I've been in this position because of the horses........I'm 35 with FOUR children and STILL do this!

MY MOM for goodness sake is 68 years old and STILL sends packages HERE at my house TWO HOURS AWAY so my father won't see everything she's bought!

SHEESH! :rolleyes:

I agree.............sex in my case ALWAYS wins out! He knows it I know it. He says he's my sugar daddy and I'm his.......well ya know! Anyway, after 16 years together and 13 married we are STILL happy, STILL the same! It's a give and take..........or as he says a need and want! And RIGHT NOW I REALLY want that new Iphone on Friday! :D

petitefilly
Jun. 26, 2007, 12:37 PM
Well! When the big box appears from Fed Ex you utter the exclaimation "MY NEW SADDLE______KEWL!!!!!!" He whirls around with a look on his face. Now study this look, because in the future it will appear again in your lifetime as a wife and partner. You must decide if you are a cougar or a kitten, and approach his highness as a superior being. After all, you in reality are a black widow, and could eat him if you choose after the sex. :) I digress, you study your reply as an action of war or pity, because this moment could go either way. But! You will win in the end.

If he is outraged, a mere tear with a long winded story about the horrible mistake you made purchasing the first saddle, and how you will be selling it as soon as you can to make up the price of this new saddle which your horse needs because without it you will be crippling the poor equine beyond belief. Sad sack Sally. Suck it up, and be the kitten we know you can be. Many promises of this never ever happening again, because you know you made the right decision for your horse. Alturism. Have him agree with you sad plight. Kiss-kiss.

If he is amazed, tell him pretty much the same story, but smile and say you knew he'd never have a problem with your dinging out some moulla for the "Cause"; horses have to have proper tack, for heavens sake! Always add the saddle of old will be selling as we speak.


If he is mad as a hornet= RUN! Take the saddle with you and go to the barn for at least a day. Make him worry about your welfare and do not come back till he as called you cell for at six times(voice mail!). You'll have to come home and reassure him life will be good if you continue with your horse life but he is to never-ever-ever not like new tack purchases because, honey, this is NOT the last saddle you will buy. No chance, baby. Live with it! :)


Got all that ???? I've been married 35 years; mine never cared what I spent on a saddle, but of course he did not see at least four of them. LOL

slc2
Jun. 26, 2007, 12:38 PM
why is it a rule here that everyone has to find the same things funny, or they have 'no sense of humor'?

that's a load of nonsense, that unless someone likes the same jokes you like, they are some lesser being. rubbish. i gotta vote with the person who doesn't find this funny. maybe when i was 19 it was funny, it's just gotten too old and i've sat and listened to WAAAAY too many 'getting divorce, cause is the horse' when two people can't work out how to spend money together.

humor is an individual thing and not everyone HAS to like the same jokes. i don't think people should be censored from telling what jokes they want, but don't expect everyone to find it hysterical.

citydog
Jun. 26, 2007, 12:40 PM
THIS IS FREAKING FUNNY!

MY MOM for goodness sake is 68 years old and STILL sends packages HERE at my house TWO HOURS AWAY so my father won't see everything she's bought!

Well, you find it funny, I find it sorta sad. Different strokes.

Dalfan
Jun. 26, 2007, 12:41 PM
Got all that ???? I've been married 35 years; mine never cared what I spent on a saddle, but of course he did not see at least four of them. LOL

Just remember, though. Always, always encourage your SO to indulge in his given hobby.

dressage72
Jun. 26, 2007, 12:46 PM
Nope you don't have to have the SAME sense of humor or even ONE at all. But this was not deserved for the OP. She didn't ask to be belittled!

OH! And did you hear that MOM! You are DAMN PATHETIC! GET A JOB WOMAN! BUY your OWN stuff!

Clearly your panties are on too tight! The old adage if you can't say anything nice.......................

You could just have told her to buy the damn saddle.....end of story w/out belittling the OP.... IS what my point was!



The "Oopsie daddy's widdle girlie has been vewy baaaaaad" and "sammitch/bj" crap on here (and other threads) is bloody insane.

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 26, 2007, 12:46 PM
Well, hubby and I generally discuss large expenses before we write the check, but sometimes I forget to tell him, or assume that the very general discussion we had a month ago was him understanding that I'm doing something. If I were you, I would just tell him that you bought a new saddle because you need one. For the money we spend keeping horses and taking lessons, in the long run, the correct saddle saves money. Shipping dozens of used saddles to see if they fit goes through the saddle budget fast. Riding in a saddle that doesn't fit is more than just a waste of time, <at least with my horse> it's dangerous.

Very good point! It's amazing how much shipping can cost for one saddle, much less trying out a number of saddles. I admit I was amazed at the drastic change in my mare's gaits, how she naturally came on the bit (something we had been working on), and how at ease she was with a different saddle. After an afternoon of saddlefitting information for quite a few horses I learned so much, including that I shouldn't be doing this on my own. So why should I spend money on shipping and multiple saddle trying when I can just feel this ugly thing in the pit of my stomach just once, yet know this saddle will be much better for me and my mare? Good point.

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 26, 2007, 12:51 PM
Well! When the big box appears from Fed Ex you utter the exclaimation "MY NEW SADDLE______KEWL!!!!!!" He whirls around with a look on his face. Now study this look, because in the future it will appear again in your lifetime as a wife and partner. You must decide if you are a cougar or a kitten, and approach his highness as a superior being. After all, you in reality are a black widow, and could eat him if you choose after the sex. :) I digress, you study your reply as an action of war or pity, because this moment could go either way. But! You will win in the end.

If he is outraged, a mere tear with a long winded story about the horrible mistake you made purchasing the first saddle, and how you will be selling it as soon as you can to make up the price of this new saddle which your horse needs because without it you will be crippling the poor equine beyond belief. Sad sack Sally. Suck it up, and be the kitten we know you can be. Many promises of this never ever happening again, because you know you made the right decision for your horse. Alturism. Have him agree with you sad plight. Kiss-kiss.

If he is amazed, tell him pretty much the same story, but smile and say you knew he'd never have a problem with your dinging out some moulla for the "Cause"; horses have to have proper tack, for heavens sake! Always add the saddle of old will be selling as we speak.


If he is mad as a hornet= RUN! Take the saddle with you and go to the barn for at least a day. Make him worry about your welfare and do not come back till he as called you cell for at six times(voice mail!). You'll have to come home and reassure him life will be good if you continue with your horse life but he is to never-ever-ever not like new tack purchases because, honey, this is NOT the last saddle you will buy. No chance, baby. Live with it! :)


Got all that ???? I've been married 35 years; mine never cared what I spent on a saddle, but of course he did not see at least four of them. LOL

Oh my gosh, I find this way too true and yet hilarious! Hysterical!

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 26, 2007, 12:55 PM
Just remember, though. Always, always encourage your SO to indulge in his given hobby.

We're both in our mid-late forties and he plays sports. Now the softball is easy enough but it's his flag football (translation - playing hard football without pads) that worries me. Perhaps if I encourage him this year (as compared to previous years) while keeping the disability insurance paid up?

dressage72
Jun. 26, 2007, 01:07 PM
We're both in our mid-late forties and he plays sports. Now the softball is easy enough but it's his flag football (translation - playing hard football without pads) that worries me. Perhaps if I encourage him this year (as compared to previous years) while keeping the disability insurance paid up?


That is excellent that he has other interests! My husband used to play ice hockey and then they stopped for awhile and now he's been playing indoor soccer and I'm SO glad that he has a hobby. Mine is definitely more expensive, but he DOES love the horses even if he has no interest in riding them!

My husband was watching Ultimate Fighter the other day and said he would love to train for that (boxing, wrestling, basically two guys just beating each other up!) Ummmmmmmm sweetie ok.......NO!

Mozart
Jun. 26, 2007, 01:25 PM
I have what is known in my household as "The Secret Saddle Account". Because we all know, there is no one saddle for the rest of your life. My husband knows that "found money" goes in this account i.e. any cheques he is not fast enough to deposit himself. You snooze, joint account loses and it goes into The Secret Saddle Account. Of course, it is no longer a secret. And the contents are not ALWAYS used for a new saddle, but lo and behold, right around the time the balance gets to a point that it could be used for a new saddle....it seems a new saddle is called for.

Sonesta
Jun. 26, 2007, 01:36 PM
OMG! My husband is usually relieve when I make a big purchase, as he is an avid scuba diver and canine search & rescue guy. Can you say EXPENSIVE HOBBIES?

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 26, 2007, 01:47 PM
I have what is known in my household as "The Secret Saddle Account". Because we all know, there is no one saddle for the rest of your life. My husband knows that "found money" goes in this account i.e. any cheques he is not fast enough to deposit himself. You snooze, joint account loses and it goes into The Secret Saddle Account. Of course, it is no longer a secret. And the contents are not ALWAYS used for a new saddle, but lo and behold, right around the time the balance gets to a point that it could be used for a new saddle....it seems a new saddle is called for.

They say timing is everything!

Jasmine
Jun. 26, 2007, 02:44 PM
My SO rides as well. If I bought a new saddle, he'd be likely to come home with a new horse to fit it! :)

dressage72
Jun. 26, 2007, 02:52 PM
My SO rides as well. If I bought a new saddle, he'd be likely to come home with a new horse to fit it! :)


Ugh! Now THAT makes me sick! :D Trade? :lol:

xQHDQ
Jun. 26, 2007, 02:54 PM
Ooooh....I have another idea.....

When saddle arrives you say "yea!! my new saddle is here." He says "What new saddle?" You say "You remember, I told you a month ago about it."

Husbands don't seem to listen as well as when they were boyfriends. He'll probably think you did tell him and he was okay with it then.

flamenco horse
Jun. 26, 2007, 04:51 PM
3) If you do admit it, swear to sell all your other saddles on Ebay to make up for the cost

Ah yes... the old promise to sell on Ebay diversion! And just about the time he forgets all about that saddle you go out and purchase another pony, also on the sly of course, then proclaim it's all good because you have that old saddle which will fit him nicely. You see, you can save him money this way. It's all in the presentation. :winkgrin:

Izthatrt
Jun. 26, 2007, 05:01 PM
Best way for me is to mention my BIG want list...things over $10,000. Then a new saddle doesn't seem so bad, lol.

Bogie
Jun. 26, 2007, 05:05 PM
Since men are men this always seems to work, but how many times can one use this?

Well, I've been married 20 years. It hasn't failed yet.

Seriously, I've had the "perfect saddle" so many times that my DH knows better than to do more than raise his eyebrows. I just try to make sure the box arrives when he's not home.

I do sell my old saddles on ebay. Sometimes, I even make a profit on them. Mostly I buy used saddles, too, so I can tell him that I only spent $1K on a $4K saddle. You know, the "I saved so much money by buying this" approach :lol:.

At any given time I have between 6-10 saddles in my tackroom, so I doubt he really notices any more :yes:.

Also I never, ever, make a comment when he buys something for his ultralight (airplane).

EqTrainer
Jun. 26, 2007, 05:10 PM
I don't ask or tell him. He really doesn't want to know.

tempichange
Jun. 26, 2007, 06:51 PM
I agree with SLC and CityDog. While humorous on a basic level, why do I have to justify how I spend to someone else?

I worked for it and if I contribute, whatever else I have to spend is mine, and will appear in my chequing. I don't want to ask permission for anything or have to bribe, with all things-- sex. Sex shouldn't be used as a tool and if you are, you're lowering yourself to whore status, IMHO.

My bf has his expensive hobbies and taste as well from building rifiles, to outfitting the kitchen with professional gear, his car(s) and high-end stereo equipment.

I told him from the start, I will not expect him to pay for anything horsey (now if he wants to gift it, thats another story), and vice versa for him. When we get a joint and I take it for the purposes paying for horse stuff, it's a loan and I'm putting it back.

But the long of the short of it is this: I do not want my relationship to be ruined by cash issues. I've seen it happen, I've had it done to me (by all people, my grandmother) and I refuse on the premise of decency to let it occur now.

Shiaway
Jun. 26, 2007, 07:14 PM
Not husband but anytime my mom starts to rag on me for how many saddles I've gone through I just ask: So, tell me again. How many pocket books do you own? :D

SPLAT
Jun. 26, 2007, 07:35 PM
QHDQ -
That is such a great idea! I think my voice range is outside of Mr. SPLAT's hearing zones as he never remembers what I tell him...he would so totally think we had had the discussion (Splat sneaks off to the Dover website giggling maniacally) hehehehehe

dressage72
Jun. 26, 2007, 08:28 PM
Sex shouldn't be used as a tool and if you are, you're lowering yourself to whore status, IMHO.

:eek:

Proud whore here! Anyone else want to raise your hand in whore status? :D

Kelly, seriously talk about it after 10 or so years of marriage, having children and perhaps STAYING home with those children and NOT working! There is a guilt issue EVEN though our job is staying home with those children. For me I AM NOT officially making the money EVEN THOUGH I am married to him. I politely ask for things and he USUALLY says yes. Expensive things, well they require more convincing.

Marriage changes A LOT, it's not being a WHORE with your husband for Christ Sake! If there are frivolous things that I WANT I in turn do special things for my husband. BELIEVE ME after 16 years of being together and 13 years of marriage and FOUR children later.....he TAKES what he can get.

BTW, whored myself out for that $30,000 new 5 stall barn just built in March! BUT.......he's also happy as hell!

Huntertwo
Jun. 26, 2007, 08:43 PM
:eek:

Proud whore here! Anyone else want to raise your hand in whore status? :D

Kelly, seriously talk about it after 10 or so years of marriage, having children and perhaps STAYING home with those children and NOT working! There is a guilt issue EVEN though our job is staying home with those children. For me I AM NOT officially making the money EVEN THOUGH I am married to him. I politely ask for things and he USUALLY says yes. Expensive things, well they require more convincing.

Marriage changes A LOT, it's not being a WHORE with your husband for Christ Sake! If there are frivolous things that I WANT I in turn do special things for my husband. BELIEVE ME after 16 years of being together and 13 years of marriage and FOUR children later.....he TAKES what he can get.

BTW, whored myself out for that $30,000 new 5 stall barn just built in March! BUT.......he's also happy as hell!


Hell, I've whored myself out just getting hubby to go horse shopping with me...lol :winkgrin:

EqTrainer
Jun. 26, 2007, 08:46 PM
Where is Alysheba when we need her :confused: :lol:

Seriously now. I have a friend who had this type of relationship with her husband. It has wreaked havoc on her self image and self esteem. Fixing it after 20+ years of marriage is proving to be very hard. He was not the problem; she was. Food for thought.

JRG
Jun. 26, 2007, 08:52 PM
First you need to lay the ground work. Start bringing in all sorts of random old saddles. Then take them out of the house. Then start to bring them back in again. It is ok to bring some of the first lot in because by this time you will have just confused the daylights out of him so that when you finally bring "the one" home he will be just darn thankful that the barage of saddles has ended. LOL

Margaret Freeman
Jun. 26, 2007, 09:19 PM
I'd be willing to bet that if you check in that bag of custom clubs he bought some time back that there are now several newer clubs you never heard about. Golf club technology is seductive.

If you want an equally expensive hobby for your hubby that keeps him close to hearth and home while you're away at shows every weekend, I highly recommend model trains.

honeydoozy
Jun. 26, 2007, 10:07 PM
:eek:

Proud whore here! Anyone else want to raise your hand in whore status? :D




I would, but the whoring has me completely worn out...:cool::winkgrin:


After almost 20 years of marriage - the game is known to all the players, and in a way, expected. He buys computers, I buy horse stuff. As long as the bills get paid, everyone is happy. And the "whoring" goes both ways - everyone has a "price".

Pony Fixer
Jun. 26, 2007, 10:09 PM
OP, I feel your pain. I was really nervous to tell my husband that my 1.5 yo saddle no longer was working for my horse, and that I needed a new one. He just rolled with it! No discussion, no upset--I was floored! It took me 4 months to sell the old saddle, and I almost broke even, but that was immaterial, actually.

So then after 6 mo with the new saddle CONSTANTLY slipping to the left, having it fitted at least 8 times with minimal change, I feel I need ANOTHER new saddle. This time I'm not as worried about bringing it up!

Spectrum
Jun. 26, 2007, 10:16 PM
Methinks whoring with your S.O. is only a problem if it *feels* like a problem.

If it makes everyone happy, whore away! LOL.

Having the sneaky fundage disappearing gradually out of the joint account works like a charm if done with appropriate tact. I bought myself at least one saddle that way. No harm, no foul.

Obviously if you are short on funds this would cause a problem, making it a bad idea. But putting excess funds to good use is the advice of every good investment advisor.... although most of them are referring to mutual funds and other things that appreciate, not saddles!

Spectrum.

Equibrit
Jun. 26, 2007, 10:31 PM
And for new horses - its easy!! Just keep them all the same color!! All my horses are primarly black or dark bay and he cant really tell them apart anymore! :lol:



But - can he count?
or
Do you have them trained to stand in front of each other so all he sees is an 8 legged horse?

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 26, 2007, 11:24 PM
Ah yes... the old promise to sell on Ebay diversion! And just about the time he forgets all about that saddle you go out and purchase another pony, also on the sly of course, then proclaim it's all good because you have that old saddle which will fit him nicely. You see, you can save him money this way. It's all in the presentation. :winkgrin:

I have to admit I've done something like this only I purchased a horse for him so we could ride together.... yes, presentation is important, even though he saw through that and bought the horse anyhow.

tempichange
Jun. 26, 2007, 11:31 PM
:eek:

Proud whore here! Anyone else want to raise your hand in whore status? :D

Kelly, seriously talk about it after 10 or so years of marriage, having children and perhaps STAYING home with those children and NOT working! There is a guilt issue EVEN though our job is staying home with those children. For me I AM NOT officially making the money EVEN THOUGH I am married to him. I politely ask for things and he USUALLY says yes. Expensive things, well they require more convincing.

You know, I don't buy that excuse for a minute. Yeah 10 years is alot, and things happen, but what shouldn't happen is using your body that is dehumanizing. Sex is an act of mutual love and respect, not an IOU.

Exchanging sex for leverage or things or for financial approval is no different that someone spreading their legs to climb up the social ladder or for cash. Essentially what you're saying is: If I screw you then the situation is even and hunky dory.

And it shouldn't be that way.

You and your husband (assumably) choose to have children. Last time I checked, you had an option not to. You had the option to work when the kids were schooling age as well. You choose to stay at home, and be in this situation. You accepted the financial terms.


Marriage changes A LOT, it's not being a WHORE with your husband for Christ Sake! If there are frivolous things that I WANT I in turn do special things for my husband.

Let see: special things (re: sex) + wanting something = 1 big fat IOU.

That's a screwed up methood if I haven't heard one. (no pun intended)


BELIEVE ME after 16 years of being together and 13 years of marriage and FOUR children later.....he TAKES what he can get.

I agree marriage changes things and people. however, exchanging sexual favors so you can get a new saddle without question, it's prosititution.


BTW, whored myself out for that $30,000 new 5 stall barn just built in March! BUT.......he's also happy as hell!

Good for you. Glad you feel that way. As for me, I prefer to keep respect and use sex as it's intentended for as an expression of how we feel about each other not as an IOU. It's also the reason why we're keeping the accounts seperate.

nhwr
Jun. 26, 2007, 11:33 PM
I am a responsible, non-wage earning (mother of 2) spouse. We are comfortable but not rich. I wouldn't feel the need to hide the fact that I bought a new saddle. But I wouldn't buy one without discussing it with my husband. What makes things work at our house is a common understanding of our needs and financial situation.

I am not above using whatever means necessary ;) to make my point. But I find the idea that some people advise subterfuge or dishonesty by omission troubling.

If you need a new saddle, be upfront about it and make the plan.

dressage72
Jun. 26, 2007, 11:59 PM
I am not above using whatever means necessary ;) to make my point. But I find the idea that some people advise subterfuge or dishonesty by omission troubling.

If you need a new saddle, be upfront about it and make the plan.

Yes, definitely what I think as well. I'd rather go with the whatever means necessary then be sneaky or lie.

Kelly,

<Yeah 10 years is alot, and things happen, but what shouldn't happen is using your body that is dehumanizing. Sex is an act of mutual love and respect, not an IOU.>

Sex IS a mutual act of love and respect and I never said it WASN'T. Things were just different when we were boyfriend and girlfriend. There is just a difference when your married, and especially so after many many years.

<Exchanging sex for leverage or things or for financial approval is no different that someone spreading their legs to climb up the social ladder or for cash. Essentially what you're saying is: If I screw you then the situation is even and hunky dory.>

This is just a strange comparison........he's my husband.

<Let see: special things (re: sex) + wanting something = 1 big fat IOU.

That's a screwed up method if I haven't heard one. (no pun intended)>

Seems I am not the ONLY married person on here that does this. I'm sure most of us woman or wives do not feel demoralized by doing "something" with our husband. Basically what this "owing" is just one extra day of sex when I'm sure after taking care of 6 horses, chickens, 3 dogs, a cat and two parrots OH and the four children.....the last thing I do is feel like having sex. Love it, but not all the time. Again trust me after many many years of marriage talk to me and let me know how "into" sex you are again especially after having 4 kids. I NEVER thought I WOULDN'T want it, but thats life.

<You and your husband (assumably) choose to have children. Last time I checked, you had an option not to. You had the option to work when the kids were schooling age as well. You choose to stay at home, and be in this situation. You accepted the financial terms.>

Of course we CHOSE to have children and yes it was OUR choice for me not to work......it is a personal choice with BOTH of us of how important it is to have a parent home. My children are really spread apart with the youngest being only 3, then 7, then 13 and my stepdaughter 16.......when was work going to slip in there? Besides, he makes more in one day then I would in a week at a job. He's self employed and it would really serve no purpose. That doesn't mean he has a "higher" power over me, but once all the bills are paid and IF there is something I really like.......I ask out of respect. He respects the "job" I do taking care of the house and children and I respect him for what he does.

<I agree marriage changes things and people. however, exchanging sexual favors so you can get a new saddle without question, it's prosititution.

As for me, I prefer to keep respect and use sex as it's intentended for as an expression of how we feel about each other not as an IOU. It's also the reason why we're keeping the accounts seperate.>

Again, I can only honestly tell you to bring up this subject years from now after kids and marriage. Trust me the view will change. I understand your principle of thinking really I do, but it's not like I am on a street corner waiting for the pimp to come buy me a new horse toy! I questioned things (not this exactly) in my youth and it makes PERFECT sense to me now, I'm not saying you will never think any differently about it, but we are happy.....most of the woman I know are happy that use the same "strategy" if you could call it that...and life moves on smoothly! And these are woman that WORK full time!

I'm really not trying to fight with you, but I just think the word "whore" is a little harsh when you are talking about a mutual "agreement" between husband and wife.

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 27, 2007, 12:09 AM
Okay, looks like it’s time to clarify a few things….

To begin with I did hours and hours of research before it was even saddle fitting day at the barn. To find a good fitting saddle has been on the budget agenda for months, this one is just a fair bit more than I had planned and therefore more than hubby knew was coming. Is he upset with me? Nope, he understands that horses are to me what sports are to him…we understand and support that about each other.

However, I don’t spend money lightly, especially for myself or my horse so when I do spend money it’s been carefully considered and viewed from every angle possible. You should see me when we’re shopping for a vehicle…overkill in research and systematic in selecting the right vehicle…I drive him crazy during those joint shopping times. So let’s figure that I saved him the agony of being at the barn (he gets bored there and has hay allergies) and listening to why I should purchase the saddle. My husband and I have two joint bank accounts, a “his and hers” if you will, so we can make monetary decisions without driving each other crazy with one account, though we both have equal access if needed.

I chose this saddle because it was absolutely remarkable to watch and feel the change in mare’s performance and then realize that I was hurting her with the two saddles I was using only to have her still try to please…but to ride her with an excellent fitting saddle was truly a serendipitous moment….wow. My hubby is now looking at boat advertisements and considering extending a fishing trip next month. FYI, I didn’t bring up sex, he did. Besides, what’s wrong with making your spouse happy? It’s not like I would do anything I don’t already do as a happily married spouse, it’s just an infrequent joke between us, not at all about a lack of respect in any way. And just so you know, I will have been married to the same man for 28 years in another month and there’s no way I would jeopardize my marriage for a saddle…I knew what I was doing, knew it would be okay with him, knew that I would feel guilty about spending that much on something that benefits me and my horse, but also knew I’ll have this mare for a lifetime and want her comfy while I enjoy this journey with her. My husband likes to make me happy as I like to do the same for him.

So to those who fretted and fussed over this thread…please understand that my intent was humor and I would encourage you to sit back, relax, and enjoy the humor and quick wit demonstrated…I certainly have! Thanks!

tempichange
Jun. 27, 2007, 01:00 AM
Sex IS a mutual act of love and respect and I never said it WASN'T. Things were just different when we were boyfriend and girlfriend. There is just a difference when your married, and especially so after many many years.

You see, thats the problem with much of the mentality of married that "it changes". I know it changes, but maybe it's the way I've grown up in regards of how finances are handled and how I've come to expect a relationship operates.

I grew up with a grandmother that lorded cash over myself and my brother. Essentially if you don't do it my way, you won't get support. And to a 14 year old girl, 5,000 dollars at a clip was a lot of cash from one of the heads of the family. It's probably one of the reasons why I don't discuss my financial matters with my father...

I've grown up to learn that if you want it, you find a way to afford it and not by cheating, lying, stealing or having leverage over a person. You come by it honestly. I will never leverage my boyfriend via sexual acts to get that new Albion or that 66 acre property down the road.

We (meaning myself and the boy) both dearly like each other, we essentially live together and share in household expenses (which for me amounts to a large food bill). We do not want to justify our expenses to each other and have both seen, first hand, how badly things can go south with a joint checking account.

However, if I tell him that I'm doing XYZ with my stocks, horses or whatnot he'll support me in that arrangement, even if he disagrees, because it's what I've decided and respects the fact that I don't question his spending habits either. (Which goes along the lines of this: alright honey if you want to go get that M-16/Shun Knife Set/Kitchen Aide Mixer/Computer/stero/ect have fun! Let me know if you need the truck.)


This is just a strange comparison........he's my husband. Seems I am not the ONLY married person on here that does this. I'm sure most of us woman or wives do not feel demoralized by doing "something" with our husband. Basically what this "owing" is just one extra day of sex when I'm sure after taking care of 6 horses, chickens, 3 dogs, a cat and two parrots OH and the four children.....the last thing I do is feel like having sex. Love it, but not all the time. Again trust me after many many years of marriage talk to me and let me know how "into" sex you are again especially after having 4 kids. I NEVER thought I WOULDN'T want it, but thats life.

By all means do something with your husband, but do it because you want to not because you want something. Which is WHAT you are doing. You're essentially saying (in your last sentance) that the only reason why you would commit the act is because there is something to gain out of it.

Sorry you had four chicklets, but there are such things are birth control, no one forced you to have even one. And as per my personal situation, we've agreed not to have kids. We like having our lifestyle. The horses are kids enough.



Of course we CHOSE to have children and yes it was OUR choice for me not to work......it is a personal choice with BOTH of us of how important it is to have a parent home. My children are really spread apart with the youngest being only 3, then 7, then 13 and my stepdaughter 16.......when was work going to slip in there?

Three out of the four are old enough to chip in with chores, meals and other things. Seven, 13 and 16 years old. I know one of them by now has learned to operate a vaccume. Isn't that the reason to have kids in the first place? ;)


Besides, he makes more in one day then I would in a week at a job. He's self employed and it would really serve no purpose. That doesn't mean he has a "higher" power over me, but once all the bills are paid and IF there is something I really like.......I ask out of respect. He respects the "job" I do taking care of the house and children and I respect him for what he does.

You know what, who cares if he makes more than you. You shouldn't have to justify or say "I did xyz so please give me a because I deserve it".

<I agree marriage changes things and people. however, exchanging sexual favors so you can get a new saddle without question, it's prosititution.

As for me, I prefer to keep respect and use sex as it's intentended for as an expression of how we feel about each other not as an IOU. It's also the reason why we're keeping the accounts seperate.>


Again, I can only honestly tell you to bring up this subject years from now after kids and marriage. Trust me the view will change. I understand your principle of thinking really I do, but it's not like I am on a street corner waiting for the pimp to come buy me a new horse toy! I questioned things (not this exactly) in my youth and it makes PERFECT sense to me now, I'm not saying you will never think any differently about it, but we are happy.....most of the woman I know are happy that use the same "strategy" if you could call it that...and life moves on smoothly! And these are woman that WORK full time!


Good for them, I'm not going to operate under that principle and I've made sure of that already.


I'm really not trying to fight with you, but I just think the word "whore" is a little harsh when you are talking about a mutual "agreement" between husband and wife.

IMHO sex is mutual when done without the intent of personal gain and that's what this is. Hence the usage.

The defination according to webster:

1. To associate or have sexual relations with prostitutes or a prostitute.
2. To accept payment in exchange for sexual relations.
3. To compromise one's principles for personal gain.

This situation falls much into category two and three.

dressage72
Jun. 27, 2007, 01:03 AM
FYI, I didn’t bring up sex, he did. Besides, what’s wrong with making your spouse happy? It’s not like I would do anything I don’t already do as a happily married spouse, it’s just an infrequent joke between us, not at all about a lack of respect in any way. My husband likes to make me happy as I like to do the same for him.

So to those who fretted and fussed over this thread…please understand that my intent was humor and I would encourage you to sit back, relax, and enjoy the humor and quick wit demonstrated…I certainly have! Thanks!

Agree 110%! I viewed this thread as very funny as it was SOO close to home! The humorous posts of many had me in stitches, I just tend to not be an "over thinker" with things like that. Like yours, my husband loves to make me happy and THAT makes me happy...I make him happy blah blah blah and the circle repeats.

Btw, MY husband is the one that brings it up too! :D

islandrider
Jun. 27, 2007, 01:11 AM
Well, when I became a re-rider, I had to get a new saddle or not have sex for a dang long time. Maybe say it your old saddle became a mumphmonster and the only hope for your sex life was to get a new, more user-friendly saddle?

dressage72
Jun. 27, 2007, 01:18 AM
Kelly,

I am very happy that you have so much life experience in your 22 years. I talk about things with my husband and I am a whore and you shack up with your boyfriend and have premarital sex? Ummmmmm? And "I" don't have morals?

I'm sorry, but the birth control comment put me over the top. I guess I forgot to use it during the "planned" pregnancies because I thought it was just the day of whoring. Silly me.

I also am really sorry your grandmother was so cruel to you and has skewed your views.

OP I'm so sorry. Carry on with your thread that I am so enjoying.

honeydoozy
Jun. 27, 2007, 01:52 AM
Maybe say it your old saddle became a mumphmonster and the only hope for your sex life was to get a new, more user-friendly saddle?

Now why didn't *I* think of that - PERFECT!! :winkgrin:

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 27, 2007, 01:54 AM
dressage72 - lovely filly!

Enjoy the thread and the laughs as there are some very funny people on COTH. Don't worry about the rest as people shouldn't judge unless they live in your shoes for a few years. I enjoy a quick wit and sense of humor, especially when it's about something to which we can relate.

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 27, 2007, 02:08 AM
Well, when I became a re-rider, I had to get a new saddle or not have sex for a dang long time. Maybe say it your old saddle became a mumphmonster and the only hope for your sex life was to get a new, more user-friendly saddle?

Funny enough as hubby was looking over the saddle brochures today one of the first things he made comment about was the saddle had a crotch comfort system, so obviously the company is paying attention to clientale and their hubbies.

f4leggin
Jun. 27, 2007, 02:56 AM
Kelly - Are you really 22 and not married and called some of these married more experienced women whores? Takes a lot of nerve to preach as much as you did - if you are that inexperienced - but, that's why you can do it - you don't have a clue about married life - since you aren't married.

Sharon - think of her as your teenage child - would you argue - or take comments like this seriously from he/she? You would take them seriously, but not personally - young people are so idealistic - it's refreshing actually, but in matter like this - they don't have a clue.

Kind of reminds me of my childless friends who used to tell me how to raise my children - got on my nerves big time - but after awhile, I just told myself - just wait until you get one, and then I'll listen to you.

My personal favorite way of handling this type of situation with my husband is to pretend I've had the saddle/horse etc.. all along (I have many different colors of horses) - of course - after I get over feeling guilty for the expenditure, I come clean...

Seriously, IMHO, if many/most (?) married women with small children only had sex when they truely felt like it - their husbands would be unhappy and they might not be married or have a happy husband anymore. Which would lead to the falling apart of their marriage/happy safe home life for their children.. So, having sex for reasons other than being desperately horny for your husband probably goes back to our cave woman roots - to keep that provider/protector around.

Jill

CoolMeadows
Jun. 27, 2007, 07:43 AM
I keep half an eye on the dressaaaaage board because you guys can be amusing but I've got to admit: this thread grosses me out! I can't imagine living that lifestyle and I want to say I feel sorry for those who do, but they don't appear to feel sorry for themselves so.... live and let live, no?

One caveat to the "live and let live" thought: I witnessed a mother specifically telling her daughters (then 14 and 12) that all women were whores in marriage and they needed to use it to their advantage. They're a wealthy family and the kids now have some very nice horses and the wife's truly a kept woman. Really weird vibe from that group - dad gets to grumble about paying all the bills at the horse shows... "I'm just here to write the check." The wife primps and simpers and teases and the girls are starting to follow her lead. The older girl is 17 now and has fully grasped the whore concept. I feel like I'm watching some type of warped game, but after seeing all the responses here maybe I'm the one that's off. :confused:

Gnalli
Jun. 27, 2007, 08:17 AM
I really don't get many of these posts. Presumably you're a grown-up, yes? You have your own money and you're meeting your household financial responsibilities, yes? So just buy the damn saddle. Why does it have to be justified/hidden/softened/couched?

The "Oopsie daddy's widdle girlie has been vewy baaaaaad" and "sammitch/bj" crap on here (and other threads) is bloody insane.

It is the "I can do what I want with my money" thinking (even momentarily, not throwing rocks, I live in a glass house too) that gets us into this.:) I don't have a problem with the OP, so please don't think I do( cuz I am right there in the same boat with you OP), this is directed at the quoted comments by City dog, and not meant to be offensive. When you get married, it kind of stops being my money and his money, and becomes "family money" to be doled out to take care of responsibilities 1st, then play things that GENERALLY should be discussed by both parties. Have I always played this way, nope, so no rock throwing here, but unless you are married, it's kind of hard to understand what the OP is feeling. Yes, she is grown, makes her own money, and deserves nice things. HOWEVER, she is feeling like she should soften the blow to her hubby over an expensive purchase. There is nothing wrong about that, and not "bloodyinsane" as you put it. :confused:

OP, just hug him, smile, and say Honey, I know you want me to be happy, and you know I have this tiny little addiction, so I bought.......a saddle. By the time he realizes you said saddle and not horse, all his puffedness will be gone, and life will be ok. Anytime I buy something too expensive or rashly, I just tell Bo that I bought it for him. He got a nice paint stud colt and a jam up roping saddle that way, and I get to play with the toys when I want. It works for us. Oh, and the bloody insane "sammitch/bj crap" doesn't hurt.:eek::D

Gnalli
Jun. 27, 2007, 08:21 AM
Well! When the big box appears from Fed Ex you utter the exclaimation "MY NEW SADDLE______KEWL!!!!!!" He whirls around with a look on his face. Now study this look, because in the future it will appear again in your lifetime as a wife and partner. You must decide if you are a cougar or a kitten, and approach his highness as a superior being. After all, you in reality are a black widow, and could eat him if you choose after the sex. :) I digress, you study your reply as an action of war or pity, because this moment could go either way. But! You will win in the end.

If he is outraged, a mere tear with a long winded story about the horrible mistake you made purchasing the first saddle, and how you will be selling it as soon as you can to make up the price of this new saddle which your horse needs because without it you will be crippling the poor equine beyond belief. Sad sack Sally. Suck it up, and be the kitten we know you can be. Many promises of this never ever happening again, because you know you made the right decision for your horse. Alturism. Have him agree with you sad plight. Kiss-kiss.

If he is amazed, tell him pretty much the same story, but smile and say you knew he'd never have a problem with your dinging out some moulla for the "Cause"; horses have to have proper tack, for heavens sake! Always add the saddle of old will be selling as we speak.


If he is mad as a hornet= RUN! Take the saddle with you and go to the barn for at least a day. Make him worry about your welfare and do not come back till he as called you cell for at six times(voice mail!). You'll have to come home and reassure him life will be good if you continue with your horse life but he is to never-ever-ever not like new tack purchases because, honey, this is NOT the last saddle you will buy. No chance, baby. Live with it! :)


Got all that ???? I've been married 35 years; mine never cared what I spent on a saddle, but of course he did not see at least four of them. LOL



ROFLMAO,

Oh YOU ARE SO GOOD:yes::eek:. We bow in awe of the wisdom you speak!:lol:

Gnalli
Jun. 27, 2007, 08:29 AM
First you need to lay the ground work. Start bringing in all sorts of random old saddles. Then take them out of the house. Then start to bring them back in again. It is ok to bring some of the first lot in because by this time you will have just confused the daylights out of him so that when you finally bring "the one" home he will be just darn thankful that the barage of saddles has ended. LOL


Off topic here, but my dad and hubby did the same thing with rifles and shotguns years back after the neighbor took a shot at the dog that was standing next to my hubby on OUR PROPERTY! I think Daddy and Bo carried the same 10 long guns back and forth from the house so many times that the poor neighbor was confused. He never took a shot at our place again, though. I think he got the message that they would shoot back.

fish
Jun. 27, 2007, 08:38 AM
I did the "whore" bit for 23 years, and was never so relieved to be rid of anything as I was my ex-husband when he finally walked in hopes of getting better blow jobs elsewhere. Thinking about the services I performed so my kids could go to nice schools, we could ride, show, etc., disgusts me to this day-- 13 years after the divorce. Yes, being a whore/wife definitely took its toll on my self esteem. I wouldn't recommend marriage to anyone without a clear and extremely favorable pre-nup that would cover everything (including saddles), and still can't understand how and why so many people jump from one excruciating marriage after another. I've come to dread even the thought of dating so much that I turn down dinner invitations from male gay friends for fear that something might happen to tempt me back down Prince Charming path.

The irony is, though, that it was only toward the end of my marriage that I started to realize what I had done and what I had become. Up until then, the many happy hours I spent with my children, horses, etc., everyday while he was away at work, etc., made the nights seem worth it. I was all about "family is more important than anything, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to hold us together." Toward the end, though, I found myself drinking more and more to help myself put up with the sex, until he was complaining about my blacking out "humiliating" him because it meant I couldn't remember his performance. By the time he discarded me, I felt like garbage indeed.

I certainly hope/presume that those of you who claim to be happy whores in your marriages were not so in the same ways and to the same extent as I.

Writing this was not easy, but I decided to put it out there to provide a somewhat different view of what might look like happy marital whoredom.

Ja Da Dee
Jun. 27, 2007, 08:41 AM
How's my husband supposed to tell the difference between whoring for tack, and just general lovin cus I love him? Does it acually require flippig through the Dover Cataloge when we are done? Does one have to withhold lovin prior to tack whoring? I need details on how this is done. Thanks (-;

<Fish, you posted while I was writing this. Not to make light of your situation at all. I adore my husband, and don't put requirements on our time together. We discuss large financial matters outside of the bedroom>

nhwr
Jun. 27, 2007, 09:22 AM
why do I have to justify how I spend to someone else?

I worked for it and if I contribute, whatever else I have to spend is mine, and will appear in my chequing. I don't want to ask permission for anything or have to bribe, with all things-- sex. ....

....I told him from the start, I will not expect him to pay for anything horsey (now if he wants to gift it, thats another story), and vice versa for him. When we get a joint and I take it for the purposes paying for horse stuff, it's a loan and I'm putting it back.

But the long of the short of it is this: I do not want my relationship to be ruined by cash issues. I've seen it happen, I've had it done to me (by all people, my grandmother) and I refuse on the premise of decency to let it occur now.So you will share your body, but not your money? There is a word for that ,,,, what is it?

A successful marriage is a full partnership that requires the complete giving of one's self, deep understanding and serious consideration of the needs of both parties involved. Everything someone does within the context of a married relationship should be undertaken with the premise of extreme generosity. I'll be the first to admit that this is pretty tough to do sometimes, but it should be the ideal. Overall, it is easy to generous if you are happy. It is just natural. It makes me wonder what is going on when one wild encounter would supposedly make such a difference about things. And after being married for years, I'd never have to play that card. I'd never have to use anything like that to persuade my husband. And he knows me well enough to understand how I express my gratitude ;) Bottom line is; if your SO loves you, he wants you to be happy. And if you love your SO, you want him to be happy. Living this way means the only question should can you afford the new toy. And if you are truly building a life together, that is something both parties should have a say in. Of course, if you aren't committed to that premise, you don't need to consider your SO's opinion on the matter.

Independence, self worth and strength of character have nothing to do with separate checking accounts. These qualities have more to do with your own trustworthiness and your willingness to trust. Finally, I'd just observe that if you can't trust someone you are intimate with about "cash issues", you are either too self centered to be married or involved with someone you ought not to be.

tempichange
Jun. 27, 2007, 09:23 AM
Kelly,

I am very happy that you have so much life experience in your 22 years. I talk about things with my husband and I am a whore and you shack up with your boyfriend and have premarital sex? Ummmmmm? And "I" don't have morals?

I'm sorry, but the birth control comment put me over the top. I guess I forgot to use it during the "planned" pregnancies because I thought it was just the day of whoring. Silly me.

I also am really sorry your grandmother was so cruel to you and has skewed your views.

OP I'm so sorry. Carry on with your thread that I am so enjoying.

Whoa, your comparing me living with someone in a long term relationship and you exhanging sex for favors?

There's nothing wrong with co-habitating together between two consenting adults. Whoo... I have premartial sex within a long-term relationship. The only one calling that a sin is a church/temple/mosque and since I don't subscribe to those guys, no guilt about my lifestyle.

Sex is apart of a healthy relationship, and I fully support anyone who wants to the act as an expression. But do I expect him to buy me things because we bump uglies? No. We have sex because, in a shocking twist, we both like each other and it's just an expression. Not because I'm trying to get something out of it.

And don't apologise for things you never did. I just learned the lesson earlier than you.


So, having sex for reasons other than being desperately horny for your husband probably goes back to our cave woman roots - to keep that provider/protector around.

The problem is this: we're not in the stone age (or at least last time I checked). We do not need a provider and protector. Last time I checked- we are EQUALS, fully capable of providing and protecting as well. And I maybe 22 going on 23, but hell, I at least have more self respect for myself than most of you who are willing to spread to get what they want.

You know, I don't want to walk a mile in your shoes if it means I have to do that. Not my cup of tea.

Dalfan
Jun. 27, 2007, 09:26 AM
Kelly - Are you really 22 and not married and called some of these married more experienced women whores?

Well, from one of the old married whores - There is a word that an unmarried female shacking up with a guy used to be called; starts with "S".

My hubby didn't notice my new saddle for about a year - even though when I would go ride, I would leave the old one on a saddle rack in the garage. Not a very observant fellow, my guy, which is GOOD for me.:lol:

Tempi; you really have no idea of the dynamics of a long-term, good marriage. Perhaps when you have one, you will understand.

TXDressur
Jun. 27, 2007, 09:35 AM
:lol: I met a couple yesterday, and the husband said "After 3, I just stopped counting" :D :lol:

Ponyclubrocks
Jun. 27, 2007, 10:05 AM
I did the "whore" bit for 23 years, and was never so relieved to be rid of anything as I was my ex-husband when he finally walked in hopes of getting better blow jobs elsewhere. Thinking about the services I performed so my kids could go to nice schools, we could ride, show, etc., disgusts me to this day-- 13 years after the divorce. Yes, being a whore/wife definitely took its toll on my self esteem. I wouldn't recommend marriage to anyone without a clear and extremely favorable pre-nup that would cover everything (including saddles), and still can't understand how and why so many people jump from one excruciating marriage after another. I've come to dread even the thought of dating so much that I turn down dinner invitations from male gay friends for fear that something might happen to tempt me back down Prince Charming path.

The irony is, though, that it was only toward the end of my marriage that I started to realize what I had done and what I had become. Up until then, the many happy hours I spent with my children, horses, etc., everyday while he was away at work, etc., made the nights seem worth it. I was all about "family is more important than anything, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to hold us together." Toward the end, though, I found myself drinking more and more to help myself put up with the sex, until he was complaining about my blacking out "humiliating" him because it meant I couldn't remember his performance. By the time he discarded me, I felt like garbage indeed.

I certainly hope/presume that those of you who claim to be happy whores in your marriages were not so in the same ways and to the same extent as I.

Writing this was not easy, but I decided to put it out there to provide a somewhat different view of what might look like happy marital whoredom.

Fish, I'm so sorry you had that experience. I think some of the ladies here are tongue in cheek so to speak but I essentially agree with you (and Tempichange and SLC2 etc). Women who perceive their value as a human being solely as a sexual object naturally see using their sex as a tool to get what they want. I think this is often a result of being inappropriately sexualized as young girls. (I’m not a shrink but I’ve spent some time on the couch!). These women really make me sad. As for you, with your new level of insight, your life is still one of possibilities. You have an opportunity to make your future different than the past. Being alone while you heal and gain insight is probably wise, but I hope you have the support of good friends (and a good counselor!) to help you through the process of becoming who you wish to be. Best of luck to you.

siegi b.
Jun. 27, 2007, 10:12 AM
Boy, oh boy,... Fish you are a very bad influence on me, so here goes...

I have been happily married for 24 years. My husband and I never argue about finances. In the beginning of our marriage when he started his own business I pretty much took care of most of the major expenses. As he got more successful he contributed more.... There weren't any questions about it, just reasonable discussions that helped us figure things out. I buy my own cars without asking him for permission and I certainly run my horse business based on my own decisions. And guess what? My husband likes it that way... Ask guys what they like in women and 80% will tell you that they appreciate independence! They don't want the little woman that can't make a decision by herself, one that can't live her life without him.

I can also honestly say that I have never used sex as a "tool" to get things from my husband. To me that would be humiliating and degrade the relationship I have with him

And yes, all these years we have had separate checking accounts and are not about to change that now. I have taken an early retirement from my job in order to be able to devote my time to the breeding business and still make my own decisions on what I spend. I absolutely believe that the reason my husband and I have such a good marriage is because we are equals in our relationship and both appreciate it (couldn't be any different if we tried).

So Kelly, I think you have the right idea.... :-)

Candle
Jun. 27, 2007, 10:33 AM
See, this is where you needed to have laid groundwork while you were dating. I am 22, going on 23, and any of the guys I date, I make horses out to be the most time consuming, expensive hobby on the PLANET. I take them to the barn, I explain every tack purchase in gruesome detail, I show them how each horse needs at LEAST three saddles to be happy, and each horse needs a friend, and the friend needs a friend because horses are happier in herds, and rescues are full, and I will need a couple of rescues. And oh by the way, I need a farm for all of this someday, and I will be working an awful lot to afford all of this so no free time for you honey, and every farm needs a good DOG, and oh, horse tack costs a LOT of money, and it all HAS to match.

I figure that if/when I marry one of them someday, they will be SO RELIEVED that I really only want two, maybe three horses, a medium size farm, and only one dog, that I could bring home a lot of stuff before it gets anywhere close to the mental vision he has of what horse ownership has got to be like and that he prepared himself for the shock of.

Okay, maybe two dogs. and four horses. :D

lizathenag
Jun. 27, 2007, 10:40 AM
fish-
go to dinner with your gay friends. Life is too short not to enjoy yourself.

katarine
Jun. 27, 2007, 10:56 AM
I'll skew the responses with the fact that I quit my good-paying job last Fall. Went from good income to no income overnight. Oh dear, a housewife in the mix. ;) Mr Kat was worried, but behind me 100% if it meant I could have a chance to be happy and not angry, edgy, and depressed, commuting and traveling like mad... Then, about a month later, I hauled my good QH off to the saddler and had him fitted for a custom saddle. Not to the tune of thousands of $$, but $$ nonetheless. He never made a peep against such plans. Horse now has saddle and all's well. This past weekend he footed the bill for me to travel out of state for a 3 day gaited horse clinic. I learned a ton, and again, everyone's happy.

And guess what? No sexual favors were traded for these opportunities. No ham sandwiches, either, LOL!

How does it work, you say? He loves me. He wants me to be happy. I love him, I want him to be happy. We are partners in all things -working together at helping each other be happy. Best I can tell we'll be in this thing together, til death do us part. Sounds like a good deal to me :) and I don't even have to bring home a paycheck or nuthin :yes:

fish
Jun. 27, 2007, 11:09 AM
fish-
go to dinner with your gay friends. Life is too short not to enjoy yourself.

Naw-- I enjoy myself by going out to dinner with my female friends-- and hope they're not gay.

It took 2 long and bitter legal battles (one to reach the settlement, another to deal with his defaults), but I also got out of my marriage with the farm, horses, and enough alimony to support everyone, (including quite a series of therapists and lawyers) for a while, so life is not all bad. The best part though, remains going to bed at night with no one to deal with except my truly beautiful and adoring dog.

If I had it to do all over, though, I'd never enter into a marriage or civil union of any sort without having the nature of the relationship-- including equality of partners whether working inside the home or out, making tons of $ or working hard for very little-- put down in writing so no one forgets when s/he discovers the golden chain conveniently surrounding his/her partner's neck.

MyReality
Jun. 27, 2007, 11:12 AM
Sorry, getting married doesn't mean the end of 'me'.

If getting married means I have to somehow justify, or pacify my spouse, or tip toe around him, I would not have gotten married. Granted, I am confident I make good decision and I make money. So my spouse can count on me that I don't do anything stupid. Granted I marry someone who can make good decision and make money. We trust and respect each other.

I couldn't imagine I have to 'ask for things'. This is very humiliating for an adult because this sends you right back to childhood, where you are dependent, and supervised. Even if you are a stay at home mother, you should have your own money.

I bought my saddle. My spouse commented it is expensive... I happen to agree with him. End of discussion.

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 27, 2007, 11:23 AM
*with a hanky in hand she slowly waved to the runaway train while pondering how it came to be here and wondering where its travels would lead*

Mozart
Jun. 27, 2007, 11:32 AM
Well this has taken an interesting twist! And we didn't even need alysheba to bring us here!

I think some of us are taking the tongue in cheek comments a little too seriously. A marriage of sexual servitude in exchange for what we want/need...clearly bad.

A little joking amongst friends or with our husbands/partners....really, what's the harm.

I guess some people would say young girls might read this and take it seriously...okay, for their benefit, I shall state...

"Do not try this at home when you grow up. We are kidding"

Tory Relic
Jun. 27, 2007, 11:41 AM
1) You MUST have your own "fun money" account! So you can save up and buy what you need.

3) If you do admit it, swear to sell all your other saddles on Ebay to make up for the cost



These two work for me. We each have "fun money" accounts. We both have expensive and time consuming hobbies. It helps a bit that I've taken an interest in his and share it; the costs are not that much more for two of us. It helps ALOT that he is enamoured with my horse. (And with me, still.)

The selling stuff on eBay is actually fun and I've got a nice little PayPal account to draw on for other eBay purchases. It's fun to have it there.

Kate66
Jun. 27, 2007, 11:43 AM
Wow, some people here really have a poker shoved firmly up their asses (and not the ones that are a cross between a donkey and horse!). If you don't enjoy the humour, don't bother responding! Personally I appreciate all the great tips I have gained from here for softening the blow. (and before anyone slams me, I am definitely the main breadwinner in my relationship! and am ALSO the stay-at-home Mom....a winning combination!)

Kelly, you just make me smile. Gawd, I remember being that self righteous at 22, quite indignant about how I lived my life vs. everyone else. Hopefully when you grow up and see a bit more of life you will look back at something like this thread and be able to smile at yourself.

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 27, 2007, 11:58 AM
Well this has taken an interesting twist! And we didn't even need alysheba to bring us here!

I think some of us are taking the tongue in cheek comments a little too seriously. A marriage of sexual servitude in exchange for what we want/need...clearly bad. "

Like if my husband had actually been upset about the saddle sex would have kept him from cancelling the order? I don't think so.




A little joking amongst friends or with our husbands/partners....really, what's the harm. "

Well-stated, thank you!

Unfortunately what I didn't take into consideration was that it's not always joking for some and apparently that reality is ugly. I have a pretty reality for which I'm very appreciative.

*wondering if I'm helping that train to go astray now*

nhwr
Jun. 27, 2007, 12:00 PM
I couldn't imagine I have to 'ask for things'. This is very humiliating for an adult because this sends you right back to childhood, where you are dependent, and supervised. Even if you are a stay at home mother, you should have your own money.
I guess I don't think that I should have my own money, just as I don't think that my husband should have his own money. It is all our money. We are a team and we make decisions together. I think it is important to discuss big things. If we don't agree about something that doesn't necessarily mean either one of us won't go ahead. But we do so understanding how the other feels and why. My husband can, and on occasion does, spend large amounts of money on things I am not thrilled about. I have done the same. So what? We are equal partners in a joint endeavor. In the context of our relationship, these things just don't matter much.

For the "separate checkers", I am curious. Would you go into a business relationship or partnership where your business partner has the attitude you espouse?


-- I enjoy myself by going out to dinner with my female friends-- and hope they're not gay.
:confused::confused::confused:

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 27, 2007, 12:01 PM
Kelly, you just make me smile. Gawd, I remember being that self righteous at 22, quite indignant about how I lived my life vs. everyone else. Hopefully when you grow up and see a bit more of life you will look back at something like this thread and be able to smile at yourself.

I remember how intelligent I was at that age, how my parents weren't as in tune with life's matters, etc. It's amazing how brilliant my parents have become as I've aged and experienced life, particularly raising children. Now I'm watching my children who at 21 and 24 have all the answers. And so goes the cycle of life.

WBLover
Jun. 27, 2007, 12:02 PM
WOW, I guess I am a WHORE extrodinaire......

I never thought that showing you are respectful of your spouse's sanity by discussing LARGE purchases that involve taking a good chunk of money out of the HOUSEHOLD budget before just jumping and doing it and therefore potentially putting us in a financial strain was a bad thing? (And by the way, we combine our incomes into one JOINT account--because that's what we are--partners in life!)

And then showing your loving man some appreciation when he agrees that you can buy the ______(insert major purchase item here) because he's the type of person that stresses over every penny that EVERYONE in the family (him included) spends by giving him a nice intimate night (an expression of your love and appreciation for him) is exchanging money for sexual favors?

WHOA......never looked at it that way. I guess my self esteem is at an all time low and I should divorce this horrible devil of a man (NOT!!).

slc2
Jun. 27, 2007, 12:08 PM
i have to agree. the idea that some self righteous person needs to pass judgement on those who don't run their lives exactly as she chooses - jeez, get over yourself. people are free to have a boyfriend, live together, or whatever they want. it's none of your damned business what they do and you have no right telling people how to live their lives.

it's different, nhwr. with a business, we have a set plan for what we put into a business account and what you can take out money for. i was involved in a business where one partner took money out of the business account to buy his household items and to make car payments and the like (that happens alot with horse farms). but it is basically robbing the business, and in some cases, actionable.


i know couples who put set money into a joint account and have an agreement as to how much it is, like a business account, and different couples agree to put in different amounts.

especially when i make a very different amount of money from what my SO makes, i don't want to put it all in the one bucket. and a lot of couples do that, so say, i have a friend that makes a lot more than her SO, she puts in only part of her earnings to their joint acct. she basically has stuff she buys and owns that is not a part of their marriage. she has been divorced and she lost her horses and farm because it was not separate. now it's separate.

Tory Relic
Jun. 27, 2007, 12:08 PM
Like if my husband had actually been upset about the saddle sex would have kept him from cancelling the order? I don't think so.





Well-stated, thank you!

Unfortunately what I didn't take into consideration was that it's not always joking for some and apparently that reality is ugly. I have a pretty reality for which I'm very appreciative.

*wondering if I'm helping that train to go astray now*


I've taken most of the so-called "whoring" comments as tongue in cheek. As the OP says, like that would change his mind!

And finding out Kelly is only 22......enough said. Mellowing comes with age. I'm sure I was quite insufferable at that age.

Trakehner
Jun. 27, 2007, 12:18 PM
Scary comments:

“I guess if he would know the money is missing.....but if he doesn't keep track of such things...does he really NEED to know?”

“Why try to beat around the bush? Just go home and tell him that you bought a saddle today. Period. End of story. Why do you feel the need to weasel around about the telling?”

“I had an ex-boyfriend point blank tell me "It's the horses or me…that's why he's an ex (among other things).”

“If you are the one running the checkbook (as I am), it is very easy to, shall we say, disguise such purchases.”

“Having the sneaky fundage disappearing gradually out of the joint account works like a charm if done with appropriate tact.”

“Thinking about the services I performed so my kids could go to nice schools, we could ride, show, etc., disgusts me to this day…I've come to dread even the thought of dating so much that I turn down dinner invitations from male gay friends.”

“…Mr Kat was worried, but behind me 100% if it meant I could have a chance to be happy and not angry, edgy, and depressed, commuting and traveling like mad...”

“The best part though, remains going to bed at night with no one to deal with except my truly beautiful and adoring dog.”

“…I have a friend that makes a lot more than her SO, she puts in only part of her earnings to their joint acct. she basically has stuff she buys and owns that is not a part of their marriage.”

Damn scary...Amaingly selfish, self-centered, lying, dishonest, just plain creepy comments. How would all these posters feel if their husbands/SOs were saying and acting this way?

How many women would support a husband who got tired of commuting and wasn't happy?

Or how many women would put up with: "I'll match what you make and the rest of my money is for me...it's not fair to me since you earn so much less".

Phew! Marriage is a partnership, and most of the women on COTH know this...but man, these quotes show there's a twisted area here too!

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 27, 2007, 12:18 PM
I've taken most of the so-called "whoring" comments as tongue in cheek. As the OP says, like that would change his mind!
umm, the OP is a woman...I think my hubby would be quite surprised to find out differently.


Edit time - My bad, I read Tory's comment wrong, ignore my comment.

nhwr
Jun. 27, 2007, 12:24 PM
It isn't really different, slc because when you get married you are joining your life with some else's completely. So when married people say it is their right to spend their money as they (as a individual) please, how is it different from the partner who uses company $$ for personal expenses? It doesn't seem that different to me.

In California, unless you have a pre-nup, everything you earn during your marriage is considered marital property, everything you buy is considered marital property, everything you own is considered marital property (unless you owned it before you were married or inherited it and have clearly maintained the asset as separate property). Disparity of income, whether the man makes more than the woman or the woman makes more than the man, doesn't mean much. And keeping things separate, if they are purchased with money you make during the marriage, affords you no protection from a community property claim.

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 27, 2007, 12:30 PM
*after reading more posts about how awful some of our marriages must be*
Okay, I confess! I was stressed over spending money. I know, I know, it's an oddity for some but as I contemplated the expenditure I thought I would relieve stress by posting something about it on COTH figuring maybe the thread would get 10 replies and I would laugh a little if I was lucky. Humor...it was meant to be humorous...and it was! I am amazed by the wit and charm of the posters here and loved reading their posts. But I digress and so did this thread. Can we lighten up and enjoy the humor?

kilverstone
Jun. 27, 2007, 12:31 PM
Ok I'll admit that I did not read through every post in this thread, I skimmed a wee bit and noticed some very umm...creative responses. I can tell you honestly that having dealt with my husband in a similar fashion, although in my case I actually put a large down payment on the horse, rather than a saddle it just ended badly by lying about it. If I could do it over again I would have laid out my case for buying my horse, but sadly I did the independent woman thing, bought the horse and then told my hubby. Suffice it to say I shocked him when I told that we were now the proud parents of a Dutch WB named Mariposa. It took him a year, yes a year to accept her and not only that I broke the trust in our relationship by not being honest. Of course there are times when saying less is better but I would say in my case, not telling him about the horse was a bad decision. I love my horse but I also love my spouse and respect him and our relationship so breaking the trust in this fashion was selfish on my part.

If your husband knows that you need a new saddle and he realizes a quality saddle might cost quite a bit, then buying a new one is a necessity at some point. Since you've already put the down payment on the saddle I'd just come clean about it. What's the point in making the situation worse by not telling him later. Of course what you do is totally up to you and I don't know either you or your husband so with this sort of thing I would guess that it really depends on the two individuals involved as to how you handle telling your husband or not telling him.

Brady'smom
Jun. 27, 2007, 12:46 PM
The discussion of a “special night” with him has already been brought up right after the saddle purchase. Since men are men this always seems to work, but how many times can one use this?



He's a man. How high can you count? :lol::lol::lol:

Edited to say that I am attempting to be funny. When we need something, we get it in our home unless bills/ need for roof over the head/food for our mouths would not be met. Intimacy isn't traded for goods, and if it was, it would be a relationship I would not be in.

Besides, I'm the type who last week, after selling a horse trailer and with 2K in my pocket, stopped at walmart and bought two pair of $6 shorts, a $16 top (and i thought it was pricey), a $6 top, and a $16 wrap for a cruise I'm taking my mom on with reward miles. Let's just say my hubby never worries I'll overspend on luxuries!!

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 27, 2007, 01:04 PM
If your husband knows that you need a new saddle and he realizes a quality saddle might cost quite a bit, then buying a new one is a necessity at some point. Since you've already put the down payment on the saddle I'd just come clean about it. What's the point in making the situation worse by not telling him later. Of course what you do is totally up to you and I don't know either you or your husband so with this sort of thing I would guess that it really depends on the two individuals involved as to how you handle telling your husband or not telling him.

Read the posts and you'll find that a saddle had been planned and budgeted, I just exceeded the planned budget but with excellent reason. Hubby knew in advance that I was going to a saddle fitting clinic, that I wanted to make sure my new-used saddle fit my mare, and that I am a responsible, intelligent person. Yes, it would have been wise to talk in advance about the difference between the planned expenditure and the actual expenditure, but it was late, he was watching baseball, and it just made better sense to let him enjoy the game since the end result would be the saddle purchase. I've already discussed this all with him, we're still happily married, and he's shopping for a boat...life is good for us.

Brady's mom - Too funny, too bad it's true. (meant to be humorous....isn't it sad that we're having to clarify this?)

OdhinnsMom
Jun. 27, 2007, 01:12 PM
Well! When the big box appears from Fed Ex you utter the exclaimation "MY NEW SADDLE______KEWL!!!!!!"

HAHA!! I think I shriek with glee when I run out the door to meet the new fed-ex delivery man. Totally my strategy...

I did the whole 'saddle must fit, hurts the back, then need chiropractor' sob story approach too, which my hubby somewhat bought into. Now, if I happen to miss the fed-ex guy, and a random big box comes for me while I am gone, hubby just puts the said big box in the corner, and tells me that my new saddle came while I was away.

That said, I do think that crying is my ultimate weapon, at least with my hubby. He hates it when I cry, and will do ANYTHING to get me to stop...I have been offered new bridles, new saddles, and even once a new horse-trailer, though I have never taken him up on it (I think I am waiting for the magical 'new horse' phrase;)).It works better than sex for me!!

We do have separate accounts, and I have bought all of my saddles though. And, I have been very smart with saddles, and bought used, and always made several hundred dollars when I sold it back that I was able to re-invest in my next saddle. I started with an old collegiate, and am now into a Bates, and am eying the Prestige..and I have never spent more than 500$ on any given saddle. I just exclaim how shrewd of a business woman I am, and how I got the saddle for big bargain, and will make money when I sell it. That usually makes him proud:lol:, and he forgets that all of the money I make will just go into a different saddle.

And, I told my hubby about this thread, and he got a kick out of it. He totally agreed that I was the 'running, shreiking, snatching the big box out of the fed-ex man's hands' type of 'how I tell my hubby'. I also very very rarely spend money on anything else, and he would agree with this.

Caroline Weber
Jun. 27, 2007, 01:48 PM
Just tell him that it could be worse...you could have bought a new horse instead. At least saddles don't eat and rack up vet bills.

TBPNW
Jun. 27, 2007, 01:48 PM
My husband and I keep things more separate than most, probably. There is definately still his and hers accounts. He has his own business and I don't feel like I need to tell him how to run it. For the most part, he doesn't mind what I do. Mystery boxes arrive from the brown santa and he doesn't say a word. We trust each other to not "harm" the household by spending more than necessary or frivolously. I have to admit that he can be more concerned about my spending, than the other way around. If there's something in my head that tells me something may not go over well by telling him, it's called guilt and even more reason to run it past him. It's not such a bad feeling when you can count on the other person feeling the same way. I know all those posts were meant to be funny, but the sex comments were generally upsetting and surprising. I don't think the man would be putting on a sexy little thing for his wife and seducing her after overspending without telling her. Course, I also don't cry when I don't feel like it. Not much of a woman, eh? Sorry, just struck a nerve. I really am about living your own life, it just surprised me how stereotypical things sounded.

katarine
Jun. 27, 2007, 01:56 PM
Trak, I'm happy, he's happy. We're happy.

If that somehow makes me dishonest, scary, or creepy, in your funny book of logic, welp, there it is.

He did not like me traveling all over the country, often alone. He didn't like how much time he spent here alone while I was gone, shouldering the farm, the horses, the dogs, and his business, alone. I didn't like my horrible job with zero respect and nowhere to go that would be better in that company. I invested a lot of time and energy into finding other, suitable positions, and came up empty. He owns his own business, and in running the numbers it was feasible for me to NOT work full time...so we regrouped, and it's working fine. I do a ton more work around our farm so when he gets home, it's not a running list of crap to get done tonight before we're up and at it again tomorrow. Weekends can be fun b/c I cleaned the house during the week. See? If it's creepy and dishonest to be happy, and for him to be happy and relaxed, then I guess I'll stick with being dishonest & :yes: creepy.

tempichange
Jun. 27, 2007, 02:47 PM
So you will share your body, but not your money? There is a word for that ,,,, what is it?

I share my money with him and I said I wouldn't. We (meaning him and I) believe in having three accounts, two for personal uses and one for household expenses.

Right now, I contribute to household expenses and even pick up the tab for dinner on many occasion. We share our bodies not because we expect to gain favors from it but we enjoy it. Whoptee do, its premartial. And here's a shocker, I'm keeping MY last name when I marry!


A successful marriage is a full partnership that requires the complete giving of one's self, deep understanding and serious consideration of the needs of both parties involved. Everything someone does within the context of a married relationship should be undertaken with the premise of extreme generosity.

Sorry, but I'm not one who's going to give till it hurts and neither should he. A marriage, or any relationship should be equal, without comprimising morals and character. If it means giving up my financial stability, and letting someone control my lifestyle... no thanks.


Independence, self worth and strength of character have nothing to do with separate checking accounts. These qualities have more to do with your own trustworthiness and your willingness to trust. Finally, I'd just observe that if you can't trust someone you are intimate with about "cash issues", you are either too self centered to be married or involved with someone you ought not to be.

We are both open with how we spend, we don't hide the bills from each other and we both know how much we spend on our hobbies. But, if issues pop up we don't want to make it into money issues. We both don't want to have to justify to the other of how and why we spent the cash.

Speedy
Jun. 27, 2007, 02:51 PM
I know all those posts were meant to be funny, but the sex comments were generally upsetting and surprising. I don't think the man would be putting on a sexy little thing for his wife and seducing her after overspending without telling her.

Well, maybe *your* man doesn't...

Brady'smom
Jun. 27, 2007, 03:26 PM
It's a source of real interest, all the topics that surface at COTH that aren't tied to our 4-legged mounts.

My first marriage of 14 years was with a man who didn't share the money. He made double what I did, but only paid half the bills. When all of mine was gone on half of the groceries, bills, mortgage, he still had basically my full salary left. He bought handguns,shotguns, reloading gear, motorcycles, RC helicopters and planes, went on trips to fly the damned things and all the gigaws and accessories for each of the above. Me? I didn't get so much as a new pair of pants without rolling eyes. The only thing I kept was enough to pay for my horse's board ($25 a month at our local riding club, $250 a year for hay, $30 for grain a month, and wormer/shots. I learned how to trim and shoe, and give my own shots.). This went on till I finally smartened and realized that this man was not going to share himself with me, let alone his money. He was a needy and bad tempered person, didn't want to or couldn't improve himself, and I decided that I was only going round this way once and wasn't going to waste the trip.

My second marriage began in 2001. For some of this time, I earned more than my new husband, other times he has earned more than me. It has all gone into a common bank account. Bills are paid first, then whatever is left is available for whatever. We each trust that the other will not get something they don't really need, and special purchases are discussed beforehand usually, but not always. Not a big deal, money's for spending. If I went a bit over (I did get a used stubben on ebay couple months ago) I have earned it, and made sure the bills were paid first.

We trust one another, and know each wouldn't hurt the other purposely.

slc2
Jun. 27, 2007, 03:28 PM
and what is right for one person, is not right for another. so trying to make everyone do the same is not going to work.

Brady'smom
Jun. 27, 2007, 03:32 PM
Very true, SLC2. A reason I strive not to tell anyone to do anything. I really do :sadsmile:

Hopefully each of us relating our own experiences can help someone else find a solution they might not have thought of that will work for them.

Ponyclubrocks
Jun. 27, 2007, 03:49 PM
Every week I can count on at least one thread where everyone gets worked up. It's what keeps me hooked and coming back for more! Wonder what nexts weeks drama will be??:lol::lol:

nhwr
Jun. 27, 2007, 04:00 PM
Right now, I contribute to household expenses and even pick up the tab for dinner on many occasion. There is a difference between share and contribute. Equals share.
We share our bodies not because we expect to gain favors from it but we enjoy it. Whoptee do, its premartial. And here's a shocker, I'm keeping MY last name when I marry!
Uh, hon, Hate to break it to ya, you are re-inventing the wheel. People have been doing it for years. I did that 30 years ago. The women in my family haven't changed their last names for about 100 years and premartial sex has been happening since society came up with the concept of marriage :D
Sorry, but I'm not one who's going to give till it hurts and neither should he. A marriage, or any relationship should be equal, without comprimising morals and character. If it means giving up my financial stability, and letting someone control my lifestyle.Sounds to me like you don't think you can hold your own in a relationship unless you withhold your $$. It makes me sad to see women who lack confidence in their power as an equal to steward an intimate relationship :sigh:

horsey nurse
Jun. 27, 2007, 04:02 PM
You let your husband buy an extremely expensive Harley motorcycle and then spring it on him! Thats what I did yesterday!

Perfect Pony
Jun. 27, 2007, 04:11 PM
Leave it to COTH!

I am understanding of everyone on here. Relationships (those long one between adults who really care to make it work) are hard! You have 2 people with different needs and moods.

Sometimes my husband is bummed about the horse expenses, sometimes not. Sometimes he spends money I get upset about, sometimes I could care less. We tried the 3 bank account thing, but it never worked because we never came together to SAVE - we would divvy up the bills and both have our own money to spend, so spend we did. We decided to combine our incomes to create a sort of checks and balances. Sometimes that means I don't buy something because I know in reality the money is better spent on "us" rather than "me". We usually talk about big purchases but not always. Typically if one of us feels strongly enough about buying something expensive we know the other will understand. Sometimes we do go to each other and ask BECAUSE we want to hear someone say NO.

Money is a tough one. I find for my personal relationship the best way to deal with money issues is to sit down and instead of talking about current issues, we talk about our long term goals and how to reach them. Then all the current issues about money work themselves out.

Brady'smom
Jun. 27, 2007, 04:18 PM
Ah likes yo style, Perfect Pony...:)

Dalfan
Jun. 27, 2007, 04:19 PM
How does it work, you say? He loves me. He wants me to be happy. I love him, I want him to be happy. We are partners in all things -working together at helping each other be happy. Best I can tell we'll be in this thing together, til death do us part. Sounds like a good deal to me and I don't even have to bring home a paycheck or nuthin

Exactly!


Like if my husband had actually been upset about the saddle sex would have kept him from cancelling the order? I don't think so.

Perhaps a course in sammich-making would be in order then? :lol:

f4leggin
Jun. 27, 2007, 04:37 PM
I told my husband about this thread - and my contribution, and he laughed and said you can tell your friends us husbands will take it anyway we can get it. BTW - I think some people who called others whores actually thought the whores didn't really love their husbands, have a strong marriage, understand the value of communication... Maybe they also don't get the teasing that can come with a mature relationship.. Teasing between spouses about everything. It's because there is equality in my marriage (I think) that I am as secure, loved, happy, and mad sometimes - that I can joke about trading favors. I could never be a whore (whatever that is) to my husband because we love each other way too much - we have boundries, but we don't need ones that have to do with making sure we each get "our fair share". I have my own business account and of course I still talk with him about big purchases - he has his own business - he talks to me about his big business purchases - so what? Would that mean something about the quality of our love, respect, etc.. in our marriage? Not.

Jill

Dalfan
Jun. 27, 2007, 04:45 PM
and he laughed and said you can tell your friends us husbands will take it anyway we can get it.

Ain't that the truth. They are definitely driven/owned/enslaved by "it". :D:lol:

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 27, 2007, 04:56 PM
Ain't that the truth. They are definitely driven/owned/enslaved by "it". :D:lol:

And have you noticed that they seem proud of it.

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 27, 2007, 04:57 PM
I told my husband about this thread - and my contribution, and he laughed and said you can tell your friends us husbands will take it anyway we can get it. BTW - I think some people who called others whores actually thought the whores didn't really love their husbands, have a strong marriage, understand the value of communication... Maybe they also don't get the teasing that can come with a mature relationship.. Teasing between spouses about everything. It's because there is equality in my marriage (I think) that I am as secure, loved, happy, and mad sometimes - that I can joke about trading favors. I could never be a whore (whatever that is) to my husband because we love each other way too much - we have boundries, but we don't need ones that have to do with making sure we each get "our fair share". I have my own business account and of course I still talk with him about big purchases - he has his own business - he talks to me about his big business purchases - so what? Would that mean something about the quality of our love, respect, etc.. in our marriage? Not.

Jill

Ditto!

Dalfan
Jun. 27, 2007, 04:59 PM
And have you noticed that they seem proud of it.

Right. My hubby makes no bones about it - the more the better. but, he knows it will cost him, though.

Tempi; I never, ever give anything I don't want to give.

tempichange
Jun. 27, 2007, 05:05 PM
Sounds to me like you don't think you can hold your own in a relationship unless you withhold your $$. It makes me sad to see women who lack confidence in their power as an equal to steward an intimate relationship :sigh:

Umm... I'm not witholding anything from him, and if anything, since he makes twice what I do -- so really financially I've comparatively got no dice. I've offered to foot more, he's declined because I just graduated and I'm paying off the college tuition.

I've contributed as far as he wants me to at this stage of the game. That goes with food bill, occasionally going to home depot, doing the laundry for three (me, him and horse) and picking up the bill for a resturant.

You know if I'm not reinventing the wheel then why is it so poigent to you people that a) I'm having premarital relations, if semi-co-habitating and b) insist on my own financal control?

This has honestly gotten redundant, and all our posts have gone beyond circling arguements. You live your lives the way you feel is best and I'll live mine. Frankly, I'll never live your lives because I find it demeaning to even consider sex for leverage and you never live mine... for whatever your reasons are.

CBudFrggy
Jun. 27, 2007, 05:09 PM
<<Since men are men this always seems to work. But how many times can one use this?>>

You're kidding, right?

The word "always" comes to mind.

Especially if you change it up every now and then.

MyReality
Jun. 27, 2007, 06:16 PM
I whole heartedly disagree managing separate finances is a sign of selfishness, anti-marriage or defensiveness, whatever you call it. Financial independence make economical sense, make logistical sense... it fits the general behavioural pattern of most humen being... I find people are almost afriad of being logical for the fear of contradicting what marriage means. Marriage means sharing, if you don't share everything, bad bad bad!

When finances are completely joint, there is no incentive for either party to conserve nor create wealth. Why? because it is a mini communism in effect. You take what you need, and you put what you have... sounds so lovie dovie! but does it really work?

I don't think it does. Why do you think communist governments have to brain wash? because of the fear people lose the "lovie dovieness" and a fragile socio-economic system will collapse! Why do you think finance is the numero uno reason for disagreement and divorce in couples? that's because when a system is fragile, it cannot absorb any change!

Easy to say if you are the one who does the majority of the taking. Sucks to be the one who does the majority of the giving. And I am not talking about when your partner is in need of your financial support due to circumstances, that's totally different... I am talking about day in and out, mechanically dumping your hard work into a bucket with holes at the bottom, some you can see, some you can't.

I believe the only way a fully joint system will work is if the couples communicate regularly and professionally about financial planning, and adhere to a strict cash based budget.

We tried it at work. We tried to take away all the budgets from managers. If they need something, you file a request from a pool. It was believed with individual buckets there was more waste, and the big bucket idea is better accounting. It did not work. The big bucket system creates paper work, more bickering because it becomes a matter of negotiation who can get what, then as a collective we ended up spending just as much because nobody wants to miss out!

Mind you no big bucket doesn't work either. If left with only individual budgets, then managers do whatever they please and you lose the sense of unity, which is very important for a brand. You need your little budgets, when managers can buy few pads of paper, do a little business travels, or take the team out for lunch. And you need the big budget, so the different teams need to work together sometimes.

Brady'smom
Jun. 27, 2007, 06:25 PM
When finances are completely joint, there is no incentive for either party to conserve nor create wealth. Why? because it is a mini communism in effect. You take what you need, and you put what you have... sounds so lovie dovie! but does it really work? I don't think it does. .

I am sorry if that is anyone's reality, MyReality, I'm fortunate isn't mine.


Why do you think finance is the numero uno reason for disagreement and divorce in couples?
Not enough money to go around despite working several jobs, too-high tastes/selfishness/inability to say no to oneself and do without when we can.


I believe the only way a fully joint system will work is if the couples communicate regularly and professionally about financial planning, and adhere to a strict cash based budget.

Totally agree.

Perfect Pony
Jun. 27, 2007, 06:46 PM
.
I am sorry if that is anyone's reality, MyReality, I'm fortunate isn't mine.


Mine either! What an odd way too live, to feel the need to grab as much as one can so others don't get it? I just could not live that way at all. My husband and I would both like to retire someday, we know the only way we can do that is to combine our income and save.

The thought of living with the thought "mine, mine mine" makes me exhausted just contemplating it.

siegi b.
Jun. 27, 2007, 08:38 PM
Has it occurred to anybody that just the simple fact that you're looking for "approval" or a way to lessen the impact of your purchase of a saddle or whatever changes the relationship you have from being equal to one where one person is more equal than the other. I think that's really all Kelly is trying to point out and I happen to think it's a valid point.

For those of you that so whole-heartedly approve of sexual favors in order to gain approval or lessen the impact, do your husbands ever act in similar fashion? I submit to you that they probably don't and that's really what the argument is all about.

I'm not making value judgements on anything that has been stated, I'm merely trying to help you understand how somebody could have a different understanding of the situation.

In a way a lot of you are right in that it's most likely an age issue. 20 or 30 years ago that was exactly how girls and boys were raised. The boys go out and make money and the girls support the boys in that role. These days the roles aren't quite as defined and so you are starting to see different attitudes about male/female relationships.

So let's not turn this into a "proud of my whore status" litany and instead acknowledge that everybody is an individual and as such entitled to their opinion of the perfect relationship.

honeydoozy
Jun. 27, 2007, 08:51 PM
For those of you that so whole-heartedly approve of sexual favors in order to gain approval or lessen the impact, do your husbands ever act in similar fashion? I submit to you that they probably don't and that's really what the argument is all about.



Or maybe they *do*.

I can say that if I'm forwarding sexual favors to lessen an impact, or more specifically, to improve hubby's general mood so that he might be receptive to my personal indulgences... I don't feel like there's anything wrong with that. Mr. Honeydoozy does the same thing - but it's not sex that is brokered to get what he wants. Generally if he's got something he wants that might not go over so well with me (maybe that new computer server he thinks he NEEDS to have)... he's going to go to extremes to do my favorite things with or for me.

How is his taking me to the Home Depot and spending the afternoon landscaping the yard any different than the favors I might offer in the bedroom?

Well, for one... at least I know we *both* enjoy the ones in the bedroom... :winkgrin:

YankeeLawyer
Jun. 27, 2007, 08:59 PM
I don't ask permission for anything. I often "consult" with my husband on various decisions because I value his input, and for example I probably wouldn't make a major change on the farm without discussing it first because he lives here too; it's a question of respect. But I believe in separate and independent finances, and that works for us. Money is really a non-issue in our marriage.

Dalfan
Jun. 27, 2007, 09:01 PM
How is his taking me to the Home Depot and spending the afternoon landscaping the yard any different than the favors I might offer in the bedroom?

But that's just the point. There really are no sexual favors between a husband and wife, IMHO.

I'm certainly not going to do anything I don't want to do.

Pefect example; hubby presented me with a car not too long ago. Is he not entitled to something special - like a little two-step around the dancers pole? :lol:

petitefilly
Jun. 27, 2007, 09:03 PM
:) You guys crack me up! Sex is sex, many unions in the nations of the world were sealed with such a demand. It happens. Life goes on. This is the year 2007 and a marriage is FAR more than sex, no matter how it is used, it part of the marriage. The joy, the committment, and the demands of sex are usually a mutual agreement, an accord by the partners.

Some like it, some use it, some demand it, some withhold it, some crave it, some abhor it, some need it, soom could care less, some do it less than others, but realize those of you who are unmarried that is a PART of the marriage.

Using it as a weapon is seldom used, and can lead to dire consquences, but the occassional *thank you* sex is totally within the boundaries of any relationship: male and female. I doubt if any woman who has a good solid marriage is any kind of whore, and it is totally out of anyone's concern if sex is used this way. She might HAVE to use it this way to obtain her daily freedom from a man. Did you ever think that?

I appalled any of you take issue with a woman who in joking states she is having sex to pry her man's money from him. Ya'll should have lived during the fifties, whew, ask grandma what she did for sex! Boy, would you be surprised.

YankeeLawyer
Jun. 27, 2007, 09:12 PM
:)

I appalled any of you take issue with a woman who in joking states she is having sex to pry her man's money from him. Ya'll should have lived during the fifties, whew, ask grandma what she did for sex! Boy, would you be surprised.

I don't actually care what other people do. Whatever makes them happy is fine by me.

siegi b.
Jun. 27, 2007, 09:57 PM
Yankeelaywer - you're a woman after my own heart!! :-)

Touchstone Farm
Jun. 27, 2007, 10:52 PM
"I can say that if I'm forwarding sexual favors to lessen an impact, or more specifically, to improve hubby's general mood so that he might be receptive to my personal indulgences... I don't feel like there's anything wrong with that."

On THAT quote by a previous poster, I think I'll agree with Kelly when she wrote about having sex because she wanted to not because she wanted something. (And I WISH I were still 22, so you can't discount my comments as youthful ignorance!) I'll hope that a lot of similar comments to the above really were jokes -- some were rather funny! -- but if a poster wasn't joking, I'd find it a little sad (my opinion).

I know I don't have a perfect marriage -- who does? -- but the day I felt I had to have sex to soften him up, or ask for permission to buy something (and likewise for him), is the day I think we'd each rather be single! We buy things we want without asking permission of each other...we buy some things together because we both want them...but we are both responsible not to buy something on our own that will set us back financially. (And actually, I'm probably the more spendier of the two of us because I have six horses...he has only one set of golf clubs!). I joked with friends about high heels and a teddy when I ordered a trailer with living quarters without getting his "permission" but I sure wasn't serious!

As I said, I hope a lot of you were joking about having to hide purchases or having to have sex to "get" things....otherwise, it really isn't true that "we've come a long way, baby!" :-)

tbgurl
Jun. 28, 2007, 12:08 AM
No, HERE'S the secret:

You find a man who is almost as horse crazy as you are. Seriously, my husband's main requirement in a wife was that she had to be into horses (luckily he got a lot of other fabulous qualities in his wife than just that).

He wants 80 acres, a house, a barn, horses, and a nice rig to haul the horses. He loves doing ranch work, loves getting dirty playing with the horses, and loves riding.

He also readily admits that he's bad with money and he turned over all finances to me immediately upon our marriage.

So basically I can spend anything I want on the horses and he wouldn't know unless I told him, and when I tell him he doesn't care one bit. I still discuss major purchases with him even though he's told me that I have free rein (no pun intended) with the money. But we don't have much right now so it's only right that if I have to make a big purchase that he knows about it.

pony grandma
Jun. 28, 2007, 12:25 AM
Ha, Ha. Well one lady friend of mine had 'the new horse' delivered during TV time. I paid 1/2 cash and 1/2 check for my first pair of custom Vogels. And EVERYONE in the horse crowd chuckled when my husband commented in public about those expensive riding boots I had bought and what I had paid for them. Another friend of mine was bequethed a little grey and white rotound paint horse when its' owner died (she has all big tall bay TB, WBs) and she wondered if her significant other would 'notice' him?? No excuses, but the stories and the memories are priceless.

nhwr
Jun. 28, 2007, 12:44 AM
I'm not witholding anything from him, and if anything, since he makes twice what I do -- so really financially I've comparatively got no dice. I've offered to foot more, he's declined because I just graduated and I'm paying off the college tuition.

I've contributed as far as he wants me to at this stage of the game. That goes with food bill, occasionally going to home depot, doing the laundry for three (me, him and horse) and picking up the bill for a resturant.

You know if I'm not reinventing the wheel then why is it so poigent to you people that a) I'm having premarital relations, if semi-co-habitating and b) insist on my own financal control?
So basically you told what he says and no more. That is liberated :rolleyes: Who cares if you are having premartial sex? That is pretty much the norm. I had to laugh though that you do your bf's laundry. I have been married for 25 years and that is one thing I don't do, new saddle or no :lol:
Has it occurred to anybody that just the simple fact that you're looking for "approval" or a way to lessen the impact of your purchase of a saddle or whatever changes the relationship you have from being equal to one where one person is more equal than the other. What rot :lol: If I didn't want to build a future with some else, I'd have remained single. We are working on a plan together. I don't ask for approval. But I do solicit and consider his opinion because I want to. It matters to me :yes:

For those who use sex as currency, I can't say I think that is great.
For those who think having sex is a chore, I feel sorry for you :winkgrin:

myrna
Jun. 28, 2007, 01:38 AM
This is quite the topic..............I don't expect my other half to ask me if it's ok for him to buy something.I am sure he has it all thought out before he signs on the dotted line.And when the passier dealer left here last month with a smile on his face,he didn't question anything other than how is your new saddle? I respect him.We are both on the wrong side of 55+ and don't need to ask for each others approval.

camohn
Jun. 28, 2007, 08:11 AM
To a point since my hubby has his own horses he understands....though he plays polo....so we are talking guys that buy less expensive tack and hold em together w/ duct tape so he does not entirely understand the need to a saddle that costs any more than 700 bucks etc. We DO in fact have separate accounts though for 2 reasons. We don't even have a joint bank account. Biggest reason: he has an ex wife that would clean out his bank account. When we got married he said it was nothing personal but he didn't trust anyone getting their paws on his bank account anymore. If I need moeny then ask. (I am determined not to be his ex wife/ I have to be desperate before I will ask. It has happened though...growing horsie outgrew his saddle at a time I could not afford one and it was needed.) The other is that his other hobby is to restore antique cars. Boxes with car parts regualarly show up on the porch. If I don't ask how much he spent on car parts he does not ask how much the saddle cost.

tempichange
Jun. 28, 2007, 08:52 AM
So basically you told what he says and no more. That is liberated :rolleyes: Who cares if you are having premartial sex? That is pretty much the norm. I had to laugh though that you do your bf's laundry.

Apparently a few people do on this board (in regards to premartial). Got a few messages over that one.

You know, I offered, and he declined. Simple logic. But I do contribute, whether or not in your opinion it's liberated, I really don't give a shit. And I do his laundry because it's there and I need some extra clothes to put in with the darks or whites so the loads aren't so unbalanced.

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 28, 2007, 11:11 AM
So taking your thoughts to heart I decided to try a different tact I made hubby his favorite pie. I figure since he only looked shocked for 10 minutes when I told him about the saddle, we're still married, he even took me to dinner that day, why not make him a bit happier with one of my apple pies. As we're enjoying this pie last evening I start wondering, am I setting the clock back 50 years? If I am, is that a bad thing? I always liked June Cleaver.

Mozart
Jun. 28, 2007, 11:12 AM
I am all for June Cleaver's pearls but do you really want to vaccum in high heels?

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 28, 2007, 11:21 AM
I am all for June Cleaver's pearls but do you really want to vaccum in high heels?

I prefer bare feet, but then I don't wear the pearls.

xQHDQ
Jun. 28, 2007, 11:24 AM
So taking your thoughts to heart I decided to try a different tact I made hubby his favorite pie. I figure since he only looked shocked for 10 minutes when I told him about the saddle, we're still married, he even took me to dinner that day, why not make him a bit happier with one of my apple pies. As we're enjoying this pie last evening I start wondering, am I setting the clock back 50 years? If I am, is that a bad thing? I always liked June Cleaver.

So, you told him? And we can be done with this thread that started out amusing and spiraled into something totally different?

It sounds like everyone is doing what is right for themselves.

Sanely Eccentric
Jun. 28, 2007, 11:47 AM
So, you told him? And we can be done with this thread that started out amusing and spiraled into something totally different?

It sounds like everyone is doing what is right for themselves.


Oh yeah, for me that was too much money to not talk about. Check out posts 57 and 99. Now I'm excitedly waiting until early August when the saddle arrives.

I agree that a number of people were very amusing with their responses and I totally enjoyed those. I also became fascinated with how the thread got a life of its own and I realized it was much like the guy who watched his dog drive his car into the lake though the dog jumped out just before it rolled into the water. (only in Idaho) Lesson to be learned...lock your car doors and roll up your windows....something that can't be done with these threads. LOL

Foxtrot's
Jan. 16, 2009, 07:09 PM
I've got to go back and read some of these posts properly. I'm laughing out loud and relating to so many posts. How can it have got this far and I not see it.

But my 2 cents worth is that some of these posters have not been married for long, or are not married at all. After thirty or so years, I appreciate my man helping me in this cold weather. And I let him know my appreciation - :D :D - it is not whoring (that's insulting) but so much easier to be loving than if in a war zone. After all these years there is a level of trust, I handle all the money, he is simply not interested. He is generosity personified and I spend conservatively and we have never fought over money. Still, if I bought a new saddle, I might just slide it in and shrug it off. If he asked, I might just change the subject and he'd never know he had not had an answer. It is never a question of whether I would be 'allowed' to buy one. We don't have to lie to each other - oh heck, every relationship is different.

He ownes FIVE pool cues made by a world class cue maker and he only has two hands!

buck22
Jan. 16, 2009, 07:18 PM
I only read the first page, but I almost shot bourbon out my nose :winkgrin:

so, sanely, how did that saddle work out for you in the end?:D

Kyzteke
Jan. 16, 2009, 07:59 PM
The discussion of a “special night” with him has already been brought up right after the saddle purchase. Since men are men this always seems to work, but how many times can one use this?


As long as men are men you can keep using it.

EqTrainer
Jan. 16, 2009, 08:32 PM
As long as men are men you can keep using it.

How convenient! :lol:

mypaintwattie
Jan. 16, 2009, 08:49 PM
I just bought a beautiful new saddle. After searching for 6 months to find one that fits, I just had to when this one fit perfectly. Have I told my SO yet, no. He doesn't need to know right now, (we aren't married yet). I saved up and paid cash for it, and keep a horsey account just for this kind of thing. When he saw it in the back of my car, I just told him that my best friend lent it to me indefinitely.

Trakehner
Jan. 16, 2009, 08:57 PM
Pretty sad.

If many of the attitude holders on the forum had the money to pay for themselves and their horses without their husbands/SO's earnings, there'd be a lot more divorces.

Be honest, divorce and suck it up paying for yourself and your horses....and be happy alone.

Cielo Azure
Jan. 16, 2009, 09:56 PM
I really don't get many of these posts. Presumably you're a grown-up, yes? You have your own money and you're meeting your household financial responsibilities, yes? So just buy the damn saddle. Why does it have to be justified/hidden/softened/couched?

The "Oopsie daddy's widdle girlie has been vewy baaaaaad" and "sammitch/bj" crap on here (and other threads) is bloody insane.

THANK YOU!!!

Do some of you really think marriages are built on such crappola? If I couldn't be honest with my partner in life about spending major money and had to resort to sex/lying/having special bank accounts, I wouldn't be married or I wouldn't consider it much of a marriage! You reap what you sow in a relationship or a marriage.

As in:

honesty
truthfullness
trustworthyness
loyalty

You get what you give.

You bought the saddle, now fess up. End of story.

Foxtrot's
Jan. 16, 2009, 10:10 PM
I did not notice that the thread was that old - how did it get bumped up since mine is the first one since last year, and I definitely didn't bump it up - weird. Something has been taken out I'm thinking.

cnvh
Jan. 17, 2009, 12:01 AM
I've gotten a real kick out of reading this thread... Aaahh, to be 22 again!!

Mendin Fences
Jan. 17, 2009, 03:41 AM
Hehe, this thread is so fun! I bought my horse 8 months before I got married on purpose, so he couldn't tell me not to buy a horse. She just ended up being a part of the whole package. :D

shade
Jan. 17, 2009, 09:32 AM
<<Since men are men this always seems to work. But how many times can one use this?>>

You're kidding, right?

The word "always" comes to mind.


I was going to post the same thing Robyn...ummm it will work every time, these are men here...

Flying Hill
Jan. 17, 2009, 11:32 AM
I think that most of this thread is pretty funny too, especially since that in the middle of reading it UPS showed up with a saddle that my barn owner had sent to my house so she wouldn't have to explain *another* saddle to her husband! My husband laughed and then asked me, "So, how many saddles have *you* bought this year?" :)

I think that most of us are not trying to "pull-one-over" on our husbands; we just recognize that we have an expensive obsession and probably feel a little guilt about the money we spend and know that it can be hard for someone without the obsession to understand the need for another saddle (or horse....). I want my husband to be happy and enjoy his hobbies so I never begrudge him spending money on them, but sometimes, being human, I have a knee-jerk reaction when I find out he bought an expensive new piece of equipment when it seems like he just bought another one of those just a few months ago! In general, we discuss these big purchases in advance, but like for the OP, sometimes they just come up. When that happens, sometimes you feel the need to soften the blow to bypass the knee-jerk reaction, or do something nice for your spouse to say "Thank you for understanding and supporting (emotionally, if not finacially) my obsession!" And we all know what most men prefer as a thank-you! [I don't know how to make the tougue-in-cheek icon!]

IdahoRider
Jan. 17, 2009, 12:10 PM
I just wanted to say that my heart is warmed to know that I am not the only spouse in the world who makes a purchase BEFORE talking it over at home.
I bought a mare a few years ago and it took me almost 2 weeks to mention that factoid at home.
Sheilah

Thomas_1
Jan. 17, 2009, 12:24 PM
I was in the exact same situation!

When I got home and told my husband he said "That's okay, I just bought a new set of golf clubs."

Maybe you'll be surprised too.

Good luck. Sounds just like Susan and I.

She says I got this outrageously expensive handbag. I got a new welder. She comes home with a flashy new car and I say "what a coincidence, I spent a load of money on a horse"

I would never dream of thinking of telling Susan what she could and couldn't buy or spend her money on and she's exactly the same.

ASB Stars
Jan. 17, 2009, 12:41 PM
The discussion of a “special night” with him has already been brought up right after the saddle purchase. Since men are men this always seems to work, but how many times can one use this?

What a silly question. Why do you think that they invented Viagra? Because they will ALWAYS want it. Forever. Not that there is anything wrong with that... :winkgrin:

meupatdoes
Jan. 17, 2009, 09:01 PM
Well, I'm currently not attached, and have been happily making my own horse-related financial decisions and paying every last horse related bill since I got my first horse while a senior in college, and I just bought a new saddle.

It went like so:
1. I wanted it
2. I eyeballed my finances and considered the purchase in light of student loan repayment, rent, saving up for the eventual farm on the three year plan, saving for retirement on the thirty year plan
3. I got the saddle

The end.

Honestly if someone ever tried to explain to me how I could spend MY money I would just show them the door. Any hypothetical significant other is more than welcome to have his own expensive hobbies if he so chooses and more power to him but he sure as hell better not have a problem with me personally funding my own.

If there is not something unethical going on with the purchase such as that the money was actually supposed to be the OP's contribution to rent, the tax bill, or retirement savings or something than [edit] swipe the card and be done with it.

I'm with citydog on this.

tempichange
Jan. 17, 2009, 09:22 PM
I've gotten a real kick out of reading this thread... Aaahh, to be 22 again!!

24 now. Attitude hasn't changed. Probably won't either.

Foxtrot's
Jan. 18, 2009, 12:04 AM
Don't forget that WE (Those of us of a certain age) paved the way that YOU (those of a certain, younger, age) could have the freedom to do the things you want to, when you want to, and with your own money. And somehow, ingrained in us, is a bit of guilt, or hsitation, when we do spend that way. We know we can, we know it is ok, but we still have to justify a bit - hence this duscussion. The youngies and the unmarried just cannot see it that way (yet). And yet, we have old fashioned values, we can be trusted and we trust the ones we love. It was actually said tongue in cheek and some people had to take it all literally and get all pumped up. "Sheesh"!!

DLee
Jan. 18, 2009, 01:09 AM
This has been fascinating reading, a real microcosm (sp?) of society and relationships.

I am 47 and on marriage number 3. I know. Divorced, widowed and now married again. Each marriage has been different, I have changed a lot.
My husband now and I have the best relationship ever. He wants me to be happy. I want him to be happy. When both people feel the same, it's amazing how easy it really is.

This has been a fun thread, I'm glad it got bumped (I didn't notice the date either), very entertaining. :yes:

Sanely Eccentric
Jan. 18, 2009, 01:22 AM
I only read the first page, but I almost shot bourbon out my nose :winkgrin:

so, sanely, how did that saddle work out for you in the end?:D


Wow, a blast from the past! :lol: So many of the responses were sooo funny!

I loff the saddle. Every single time I saddle up I appreciate having purchased it and how well it works for both my mare and myself.

Will I spend that much money again without talking with hubby first? Very unlikely. I've simply perfected the art of talking my hubby into what I want in advance of the purchase, like the new truck we got in November. I'm aiming for a horse trailer this summer but first must find him a fishing boat. :winkgrin: Really though, hubby is supportive of my horse habit as long as I'm financially reasonable and in turn I support his sports habits. Marriage is a partnership and life is good. :yes:

tempichange
Jan. 18, 2009, 01:30 PM
Don't forget that WE (Those of us of a certain age) paved the way that YOU (those of a certain, younger, age) could have the freedom to do the things you want to, when you want to, and with your own money. And somehow, ingrained in us, is a bit of guilt, or hsitation, when we do spend that way. We know we can, we know it is ok, but we still have to justify a bit - hence this duscussion. The youngies and the unmarried just cannot see it that way (yet). And yet, we have old fashioned values, we can be trusted and we trust the ones we love. It was actually said tongue in cheek and some people had to take it all literally and get all pumped up. "Sheesh"!!

1) while I recognize the achievements of the men and women of the past, I doubt they were done via sexual favor and acting like a hapless creature. In fact many of them were done quite the opposite.

2) We aren't in the past anymore. Last time I checked, I don't need someone to escort me around town, permission to own land, or act as my representative because I am female. Last time I checked the majority of the board was born and reared in a time period of great liberation and experimentation, the concept was something that the previous generations were raised with and taught to expect.

3) this is not the 1950s anymore. It's the 21st century. I find the discussion a bit disturbing to be quite honest, and several people apparently agree with me (younger and older). While I am not married, living with my SO (still), and contribute to a general fund. I still don't find the need to justify my personal expenses to anyone. I doubt that I ever will. And while some values may go out of fashion, self reliance, class and honesty never do.

Foxtrot's
Jan. 18, 2009, 01:47 PM
...I think you just said what I was trying to say...sort of. Successful relationships have had to do a whole lot adjusting along the way.

grayarabpony
Jan. 18, 2009, 01:57 PM
There's a reason why these canned sayings are around: "Ignorance is bliss", "What he doesn't know won't hurt him"...

Funny thing is, in our family *I*'m the one who's always afraid to spend money. He always says, oh you need this, go ahead and get it. I'm holding the checkbook saying "What about additon and subtraction? Do I pretend like they don't exist??"

Thomas_1
Jan. 18, 2009, 04:29 PM
Tempichange,

Well said.

I'm old and male and was finding the tone of the thread bizarre and actually somewhat depressing.

I was labouring under the impression that women's rights were evolved through the Victorian age and that the days when women couldn't keep their own earnings and maintain their independence had long gone. I thought that not only could they keep their earnings but they could do what they liked with them and didn't need "permission" from a man.

If they are not the principle wage earner and are in a partnership then that's the norm because the majority of women don't earn what their male counterparts earn.

IMO that's wrong but it's a fact.

It doesn't mean though that women should have to compensate for the economic gap by subjugating themselves and asking permission to buy what can be afforded. Neither should it mean that men take advantage of that fact by acting out some archaic "providers" role.

This is the western world not some weird culture or repressive religion where women are held as second class citizens.

tempichange
Jan. 18, 2009, 05:05 PM
I was labouring under the impression that women's rights were evolved through the Victorian age and that the days when women couldn't keep their own earnings and maintain their independence had long gone. I thought that not only could they keep their earnings but they could do what they liked with them and didn't need "permission" from a man.

Actually it really began in the 1200's and the idea was always there, but the fires were stoked in the 1800s, really starting with Jane Addams and the idea that women and children were not chattel and tied to their husbands.

The ideas, and the people that most people are familiar with, is second and even third wave feminism-- that ran through the '60s to the mid 80s. Because this movement ran concurrent with Civil Liberties, a lot of legislation was passed (Equal Rights Act, Title IX, various Supreme Court rulings) and progress was made.

But to be quite honest, we've come a long way, but apparently still a long way to go.

Elegante E
Jan. 18, 2009, 05:39 PM
I run into more misogenist women than men, or an equal amount. So some of this stuff doesn't surprise me. I think it's more that an insecure woman can use this as an excuse to hide behind her husband and then pushes the behavior to feel accepted. That's my Freudian take. Doesn't explain them all. Still can't figure out the bullying, over bearing types who control everything in their own lives but then push other women to be doormats. That kind still stumps me.

Foxtrot's
Jan. 18, 2009, 05:46 PM
... "A" type personalities? This all started as lighthearted thread until some young femininist types came on board and took everything so seriously -- Thomas - you've been reading between the wrong lines. I think I better get outta here before a trainwreck occurs.

Kairoshorses
Jan. 18, 2009, 05:56 PM
OMG! My husband is usually relieve when I make a big purchase, as he is an avid scuba diver and canine search & rescue guy. Can you say EXPENSIVE HOBBIES?

My DH likes to fly small planes....I joke that we both have expensive, dangerous hobbies.

I made a very large bet with him several years ago....and when I won, you bet I called the Stackhouse folks and had them measure me and my horse. I now have a lovely custom saddle.

Every now and then I hear complaints (DH does the books), but I simply ask how much the plane rental is costing, and usually that's enough. We DO encourage each other in our respective hobbies.

tempichange
Jan. 18, 2009, 06:16 PM
... "A" type personalities? This all started as lighthearted thread until some young femininist types came on board and took everything so seriously -- Thomas - you've been reading between the wrong lines. I think I better get outta here before a trainwreck occurs.

Look around, there are several people who are thirty plus who were disagreeing with the dogma being espoused.

I'm personally not a feminist, I just believe everyone should have the basic common rights as everyone else irregardless of gender, age, ethnicity, sexuality, socio-economic status, etc.

More to the conversation-- that the only person who should have to justify their personal expenditures to is themselves, not their spouse, not their significant other, but themselves and their own bottom line. This isn't being a feminist, this is about being a mature, self-reliant adult.

If that makes me one-- by all means please sign me up.

amastrike
Jan. 18, 2009, 06:38 PM
I'm personally not a feminist, I just believe everyone should have the basic common rights as everyone else irregardless of gender, age, ethnicity, sexuality, socio-economic status, etc.

Then you are a feminist. All feminism is is the idea that men and woman are equal.

unclewiggly
Jan. 18, 2009, 06:54 PM
Mine goes something like...guess what I just sold a saddle for "almost what I paid for it".
What saddle he asks??? Followed by who do all of those saddles in the tackroom belong to?? We don't have any boarders:confused:

sid
Jan. 18, 2009, 07:01 PM
I haven't read all the posts but the last several to see what this thread has boiled down to (which I often do).

I do not have a clue why on earth anyone who supports themselves financially would have to hide a desire or ask any other person (spouse, parent, boss, etc.) to collaborate, or get approval, on a personal expenditure.

However, when earning power or "contribution" to the relationship starts being measured ad nauseum the whole magilla goes into the "pool" of subjectivity by both parties -- whether it is in a marriage, business or in any other relationship. It is then the waters become very, very murky. That's why relationships bust up.

Financial indpendence is the root of "individualism" when it comes to material desires -- feminism has nothing to do with it.

That said, keeping a sense of humor can often create s feeling of compromise regardless of whether compromise was needed or not.

tempichange
Jan. 18, 2009, 07:07 PM
Then you are a feminist. All feminism is is the idea that men and woman are equal.

Yes, feminism is the specific belief that men and women should be equal.

But, I said: I don't care what gender anyone is or isn't. Its not specifically a feminist doctrine, more of civil rights.

INoMrEd
Jan. 18, 2009, 07:18 PM
If you are the one running the checkbook (as I am :winkgrin:;)), it is very easy to, shall we say, disguise such purchases. I am fortunate, my hubby has no desire to take a look-see. :lol:

My husband accidentally looked once over my shoulder when I had the Quicken Equine Expenses for the Year tab open. It was such a shock that he's never done it again. Especially now that "we" have two horses. :eek:

sid
Jan. 18, 2009, 07:19 PM
Ok, I've taken the bait just coming into this.

Why is the label of "feminist" so wrong and to be a civil rights activist so right.

We're talking about someone wanting buy a saddle here, and being afraid to tell someone else about it...or having to ask permission to...or worse, having to manipulate them for the approval of doing so.

Not everything in life is "political". It's okay to do what you think you want to do, deserve to do it because you have worked/earned the ability to do so. And it should be done.

Some people just need a "consensus" -- whether it be from insecurity or from inability to justify what they are doing because they feel "owe" an explanation to someone else.

I don't get that. If one is self sufficient, why..for an issue as trivial as this?

Guilt is a "man made" emotion that rears its head when something ain't quite right between two parties..financially or otherwise.

tempichange
Jan. 18, 2009, 07:53 PM
Ok, I've taken the bait just coming into this.

Why is the label of "feminist" so wrong and to be a civil rights activist so right.

never said it was wrong or right. I clarified the statement. If you wish to label me a feminist, go right ahead, but classifying me when I've already defined my ideology as a the definition of civil rights, instead of the narrower definition of feminism would be a wee bit incorrect.


We're talking about someone wanting buy a saddle here, and being afraid to tell someone else about it...or having to ask permission to...or worse, having to manipulate them for the approval of doing so. Not everything in life is "political". It's okay to do what you think you want to do, deserve to do it because you have worked/earned the ability to do so. And it should be done. Some people just need a "consensus" -- whether it be from insecurity or from inability to justify what they are doing because they feel "owe" an explanation to someone else.


I'll agree with you there. However, I didn't make it political, I just stated it was wrong to use sexual acts or favors to curry favor in one way or another. No I don't particularly find a lot of the posts humorous, as their posters intended and to assume I don't have humor because I don't find the subject of sexual subjugation amusing, is really flabbergasting.

The answers to this thread that supports that action seems almost retro. This runs beyond the need of consensus, and gives a really depressing glimpse into probably a number of womens' lives and what probably bodes for a future generation.

If you find it so trivial, then leave the discussion. I find it interesting.

sid
Jan. 18, 2009, 09:17 PM
Tempi -- I posted a reply, then deleted. Any discussion about "civil rights" (feminist or otherwise) is indeed political, IME. Nothing at all wrong with that.

There is nuance in this discussion. I was a groundbreaker for women in my day, so I do not find the term feminist offensive. I lived through the riots in DC when Martin Luther King was assasinated and lived under a town curfew for many weeks. Later in life, I had to work twice as hard for equal pay (well, actually I never DID get equal pay. But I had to support myself, but didn't complain much. When I started my own business by getting very, very good at what I did I was able to compete at a high level and got WAY beyond my prior complaints. I took the risk and it paid off, with nothing in my pockets as far as money was concerned.

I learned not to feel like I have to ask, because I learned that one can become solely responsible for oneself that eliminates having to do so.

PM me sometime if you want to continue the discussion. But where we are now is not horse oriented.

Galloping Granny
Jan. 18, 2009, 11:31 PM
Whoa, a few people need to lighten up! My husband and I joke about these things all the time! And yeah, I think I'm a sufficiently independent woman.

My husband is disabled and I have supported us for 18 years. I work in the medical field, but I don't make a huge salary, so money has been very, very tight for many years now. I bred WBs and taught lessons before he got sick, and I have continued to do that and also take on boarders to supplement our income. Yes, I said our income. My husband works as much as his health allows. He takes care of the house - does all the laundry, cooking, and cleaning as well as taking care of finances. He works in the barn as much as he can, even when he is sick and hurting, while I work away from home or teach here. There is not a lazy bone in his body, and he would kill to be able to hold a normal job again, but his health is too precarious. And there are medical expenses. But any money we have is ours. I need a new saddle - at the moment I have one saddle for the three horses I ride, and another I will be starting soon. Fortunately it fits all of them pretty well.

If any time soon we find some extra money, he would like me to spend it on a saddle. I want him to have a new camera. He never does anything for himself, and he so deserves it. If there is an argument, it will be that each of us wants the other to have something nice.

And yes, sometimes when I am not necessarily in the mood I will instigate a romantic evening just because I want him to know how much I love and appreciate him. (Guess I am whoreing myself for laundry and dinner?)

Bottom line, a quote from my late mother: "When both people are more concerned with the happiness of the other than their own, everybody wins!"

Works for us! http://www.chronicleforums.com/Forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

Thomas_1
Jan. 19, 2009, 03:37 AM
... This all started as lighthearted thread until some young femininist types came on board and took everything so seriously -- Thomas - you've been reading between the wrong lines. I think I better get outta here before a trainwreck occurs. "Interesting"

Interesting you should single me out for my comments. I was neither the first, most prolific or last poster to suggest that it was wrong for women to have to ask their husband's permission to spend money.

Interesting that you single me out and not the person who resurrected the thread a year and a half after it had died.

Interesting you single out an old man when clearly I'm in the minority group on this thread.

Interesting you should use the words "YOUNG FEMINIST TYPES" as though it's an insult. To emphasise, I'm not young. But I am a feminist and I don't see that as an insult at all. I'm proud to be a feminist and I'm proud to have shared my life with a fantastic strong and independent woman and to have brought up 2 fantastic daughters to believe they can and will have equality of opportunity with any male.

I believe strongly in the social, political, educational and economic equality of the sexes. I don't like at all in the exagerated and artificial authoritarian domination by men over women. My younger daughter is an Engineer and I'm proud that she believed from the onset that she could enter and compete in that male dominated world. I'm proud that she succeeded right from university through to career and despite some very anti-feminist views and opinions.

I don't believe that women need to seek their husband's permission nor approval for what they want to do. I know some people talk about in marriage that it's not "his money and her money but their money" but that doesn't IMO mean that spending decisions are secretive or controlled. Neither does it mean that one partner takes the subservient position and is put in the position of having to "seek blessing" IMO a relationship should allow individuality.

If a woman's hobby is horse riding and the husband/partner doesn't like it. Then tough! He'll get over it and accept it or else he's not the right partner. If he accepts you enjoy horse riding and that's your hobby then he'd have to be pretty stupid not to realise that bit fancy lump of leather on it's back costs money and so does everything else that goes with it. Likewise if you like being well dressed and looking good, he'd be pretty dumb not to know that costs money too.

This might well have been a "light hearted" thread but IMO there's something VERY wrong with stereotyping women and men into positions as described. IMO one of the fantastic things about the sport of horse riding is that men and women can compete equally. Likewise one of the things about carriage driving is that it's inclusive in terms of gender and to a large degree disability. It's a shame to go spoiling that with silly notions of women riding and men at home holding the purse strings and smiling inanely at his wife's "little hobby"

p.s. Must go check with Susan that I've said the right things before I empty the dish washer now. :winkgrin:

Kaeleer
Jan. 19, 2009, 07:05 AM
Feminism is about equal work for equal pay. It is about equal say in government. It is about recognition that women have an equal role to play in the evolution of our society.

Feminism is not about relationships between individual men and women, and if a woman wants to flirt / shag / work her way to getting something she wants, then that is her choice. The only time feminism comes into it is when society has made it impossible for the woman to obtain something she wants, due to inherent inequalities between the sexes.

Trying to make this a "feminist debate" demeans what feminism is all about.

Thomas_1
Jan. 19, 2009, 07:49 AM
Really????

In my day it was about the social, political, educational and economic equality of the sexes.

Now I happen to be a feminist and my opinion and views will of course come from a feminist base.

I'd personally have said that whether women want to do any or each of those things to get what she wants is going to depend on her upbringing and framework of believing what is right or wrong.

Whether this is a feminist argument or not though, I can't begin to even imagine my partner being in a position where she felt she had to furtively buy things. Let alone have to be concerned about how to tell me. Neither can I imagine her having to bribe or cajole me to get my approval or good humour. Like I said in my first posting here I would never dream of thinking of telling Susan what she could and couldn't buy or spend her money on and she's exactly the same.

So if I don't like/am disinterested in the expensive handbag she bought. So what! Its what SHE wants. It's her money. Her choice. Her handbag. She can afford it. It's not depriving me of anything. So what!?

You have a horse. You want a saddle. You buy one. You go home and say "I bought my horse a saddle". So long as he/the children aren't running around in rags and unfed and the mortgage isn't paid then it's a non event.

Kaeleer
Jan. 19, 2009, 07:54 AM
Really????

In my day it was about the social, political, educational and economic equality of the sexes.

Isn't that what I said?

Thomas_1
Jan. 19, 2009, 08:04 AM
I'd have said that all that fell into or had influence on "personal relationships."

Kaeleer
Jan. 19, 2009, 08:08 AM
I'd have said that all that fell into or had influence on "personal relationships."

Not necessarily. Today, there are many women who earn the same / more than their husbands, and nobody who has met me could accuse me of being a drooping violet.

You will note that I said : "The only time feminism comes into it is when society has made it impossible for the woman to obtain something she wants, due to inherent inequalities between the sexes."

I just don't like it when women who use the advantages God gave them are accused of being "anti-feminist". If I elect to ask my husband, in a moment of post-coital weakness, if he minds if I spend some of the housekeeping money (which we BOTH earn) on that gorgeous pair of jeans I saw the other day, it's hardly a blow to feminism the world over, is it?

DLee
Jan. 19, 2009, 09:33 AM
Would that everything was so black and white as "his money" and "her money".
I don't see any right OR wrong in these answers, just different opinions on what works (or doesn't). What is so wrong with that?

Thomas_1
Jan. 19, 2009, 09:42 AM
nobody who has met me could accuse me of being a drooping violet. For sure you don't come across that way in the chat room ;)


I just don't like it when women who use the advantages God gave them are accused of being "anti-feminist". Me neither


If I elect to ask my husband, in a moment of post-coital weakness, if he minds if I spend some of the housekeeping money (which we BOTH earn) on that gorgeous pair of jeans I saw the other day, it's hardly a blow to feminism the world over, is it? No.

But then I'd suggest it was if you felt you always needed his permission and approval to spend money or couldn't because he said No. To the jeans not the coitus ;)

goldseeker
Jan. 19, 2009, 09:51 AM
None of this works on my husband. He knows everything. He keeps a close eye on the checkbook too.
I onc brought home a $200 stud horse to save him from going thru the sale and my husband flipped on me. I think he yelled at me for a couple hours straight. Told me to get rid of it, etc. I finally was able to convince him to let me keep the horse.
I also once brought home a puppy, well kept it in the barn and when he found out he told me to get rid of it or he was going to shoot it.
When it comes to my household, if it's not my husbands idea or if I don't have his permission... then there's hell to pay.
I love him to death, but he's very old school.
Sex doesn't work on him either. He claims he's too old and that sex is a waste of time. :no:
So, I admire all of you guys! Well, gals... :lol:

SmartAlex
Jan. 19, 2009, 10:00 AM
When it comes to my household, if it's not my husbands idea or if I don't have his permission... then there's hell to pay.
I love him to death, but he's very old school.


I'm sorry. :( My husband is "old school" but what you're describing doesn't sound like much fun at all. :no:

Thomas_1
Jan. 19, 2009, 10:10 AM
When it comes to my household, if it's not my husbands idea or if I don't have his permission... then there's hell to pay.
I love him to death, but he's very old school.
Sad you're excusing his bad behaviour by suggesting it's traditional values.

I always thought I was pretty "old school" but in my book, it's never meant treating your partner as if her opinion doesn't matter and it certainly doesn't mean shouting and yelling at your wife.

Sounds to me like your husband is nothing less than an obnoxious bully.

goldseeker
Jan. 19, 2009, 10:15 AM
Most of the time, it's not very much fun at all. Because of our age difference, I sometimes feel more like his daughter than I do his wife.
I can't ride without him dictating to me. He always finds my faults. He won't let me on a horse without my helmet on... and sometimes I just want to get bucked off.
My life is complicated... I'm not afraid of getting hurt, I'm not even afraid of being killed... What scares me the most is that I never have his approval. :(
I've had my share of being around all types of horses, and I'm confident in what I know and how I do it. But, he thinks that his way is the only way and the right way so if I don't do as he says, then he just makes me feel incompetent.
I'm going off topic now...
I joined this forum in hopes of finding friends. We lived in PA our whole lives and when we moved to GA, I lost everyone important to me and now I just feel so alone and lost.

FancyFree
Jan. 19, 2009, 10:21 AM
None of this works on my husband. He knows everything. He keeps a close eye on the checkbook too.
I onc brought home a $200 stud horse to save him from going thru the sale and my husband flipped on me. I think he yelled at me for a couple hours straight. Told me to get rid of it, etc. I finally was able to convince him to let me keep the horse.
I also once brought home a puppy, well kept it in the barn and when he found out he told me to get rid of it or he was going to shoot it.
When it comes to my household, if it's not my husbands idea or if I don't have his permission... then there's hell to pay.
I love him to death, but he's very old school.
Sex doesn't work on him either. He claims he's too old and that sex is a waste of time. :no:
So, I admire all of you guys! Well, gals... :lol:

My father is much like that. When I was a teenager, my mother bought me a new horse, spending thousands more than she and my father agreed upon. I had accidentally had worn his windbreaker to pick up the horse, then put the receipt for the horse in the pocket. Of course he found it and there was hell to pay for my mom. Even though he might say the money is half my mother's, when it comes down to it, it really isn't. She has to ask permission for any big expenditures.

My ex-husband tried to be controlling about finances even though I make my own money. I guess that's one reason why he's an "ex".

I can see discussing a big purchase with a spouse, but to have to ask permission to do something would make me feel diminished as a partner. But that's just me. For some people, like my parents, it works very well. My mother does feel resentful at times though.

FancyFree
Jan. 19, 2009, 10:24 AM
I can't ride without him dictating to me. He always finds my faults. He won't let me on a horse without my helmet on... and sometimes I just want to get bucked off.

Just out of curiosity, why in the world would you want that?

goldseeker
Jan. 19, 2009, 10:45 AM
Just out of curiosity, why in the world would you want that?



Just to prove that he can't control everything... Plus it's an adrenaline rush that makes me feel better. ( I know I'm psychotic) :D

Jealoushe
Jan. 19, 2009, 11:00 AM
Just to prove that he can't control everything... Plus it's an adrenaline rush that makes me feel better. ( I know I'm psychotic) :D

I mean this in the nicest way possible, you need to seek professional counselling about your self worth and relationship. I fear for you.

Kaeleer
Jan. 19, 2009, 11:09 AM
But then I'd suggest it was if you felt you always needed his permission and approval to spend money or couldn't because he said No. To the jeans not the coitus ;)

Ah, okay, I think we're finding common ground. Yes, I agree with you here.

I just didn't read the OP post that way - I read it more along the lines of how best to soften up her husband to deliver some news that she might have done something without discussing it with him first. Generally, a saddle is a rather large purchase, and unless you have seperate funds, it is probably best to discuss such a purchase up-front. My husband and I have our own bank accounts, but we're pretty casual about who pays for what. This past month has been rough, financially, as I don't earn much in December and my car needed repair. He called me the other day to ask if it was okay for him to buy a new rasp that he'd seen on special (he didn't need it, but it was a good price, one he wouldn't see again for a while, hence wanting to buy it).

I appreciate that he consulted me on it - I'd consult him before buying that new law book I have my eye on - but sometimes somebody in a relationship does something on impulse and then has to find a way to sweet-talk their spouse into NOT getting mad about it. That's how I read the OP.

IME, sex is a fairly good way to get a guy NOT to get mad :)

goeslikestink
Jan. 19, 2009, 04:58 PM
Most of the time, it's not very much fun at all. Because of our age difference, I sometimes feel more like his daughter than I do his wife.
I can't ride without him dictating to me. He always finds my faults. He won't let me on a horse without my helmet on... and sometimes I just want to get bucked off.
My life is complicated... I'm not afraid of getting hurt, I'm not even afraid of being killed... What scares me the most is that I never have his approval. :(
I've had my share of being around all types of horses, and I'm confident in what I know and how I do it. But, he thinks that his way is the only way and the right way so if I don't do as he says, then he just makes me feel incompetent.
I'm going off topic now...
I joined this forum in hopes of finding friends. We lived in PA our whole lives and when we moved to GA, I lost everyone important to me and now I just feel so alone and lost.

you know what you sound like to me --- i is a female
you sound like a throphy
you can loook but dont touch type, you can winge but dont get,
your on a pedstal that only he can give aprroval to as what to do and not do
what to say and not say, moved so lost friends and no doubt family to so you llost all past connections good or bad they gone ( good freinds and family will always be there)

this isnt about a saddle so much as about you
doubts
perhaps you was young and innocent when you got with him idont know
but what i do know you gotta be honest with yourself you say you love him
you want to asked yourself that in a mirror and see your re-action to yourself


perhaps you want to be free you buy a puppy a horse for love as thats real love and real attention

you think long and hard about that - then ask yourself what have you given up and where and how far have you come and wheres it going
and what have you lost - you say no freinds no family if your mums alive the shes your best freind so start there

a relationship is sex with another but if no ones giving attenion in the correct manner
its can be deemed upsetting or pushed aside as not enough attention

your quote
Sex doesn't work on him either. He claims he's too old and that sex is a waste of time
unquote

he has issues of self esteem, and self worth and so takes it out on you as your the closes one to him so he puts you in a glass house as a throphy people are some times like that .... hence insults acquasations, demoralising, intimidation,,, control control control

you have to asked your self are you a person or a doormat
or a fag end to be stomped on
time to raise points of view with him and have a proper heart to heart
then move on

Auventera Two
Jan. 19, 2009, 05:02 PM
These posts are hilarious! :lol:

I have it EASY! My husband collects Camaros like it's some kind of disease. Each car costs like $20K so for every car he buys, I can buy a WHOLELOTTAHORSESTUFF! :eek: Saddles, bridles, 14 blankets for each horse.....it's fantastic. I even got a new truck because it's really stupid to pull a horse trailer with an underpowered truck, you know! And....you could even pull your Camaros around with it! :D :lol: Hot dog! As soon as he heard that, it was off to the dealership. I think within a week, the new truck was in my driveway.

I just told him the other day I made an appt. for updated radiographs for Libbey. He was like "What?!" I said - just hush it. The cost of those xrays is like one floormat in one of your cars. He didn't say anything else. :lol:

I'm trying to buy another horse right now. He looks identical to one I already have so maybe I could sneak him right in and hubby would never notice! :eek: I never thought of that.

kayandallie
Jan. 19, 2009, 08:24 PM
Yikes, goldseeker, that scares me!! I was about to post about how I could use a little feedback on purchases as my husband died a number of years ago and I have to bug my sister and friends and kids to hear negative feedback on pipe dream purchases (which I ignore at will, of course).
But, you're not in a healthy relationship. I'm an old person but what you're describing is not traditional, it is just not right. If you are happy then I guess continue, but if not then get thee to a counselor if you can't get yourself out of it on your own.
Parts of this thread are really funny and parts aren't. Your part isn't funny.