The Pie Rules

Jul 12, 2017 - 12:51 PM

Rule #1: If you fall off, you have to bring in pie.

Variety of pie is up to you: fruit, chocolate, cream, candy; virtuous, diabetic-shock-inducing; whatever floats your boat, if it’s edible, we’re there, though it should be noted that bonus points are given if you purchase said pie from our local rockstar baked goods establishment, the Red Truck Bakery. Heaven.

Amendment to Rule #1: If you fall off twice in one week, I buy YOU pie.

Second Amendment to Rule #1: If you fall off one of the following horses, you should be a bit ashamed of yourself, and therefore you have to buy both pie AND ice cream:

- Fiero, who is a wonderfully good dude, although admittedly he does sneak a little spin in there once or twice a year, so keep your wits about you.

- Vinny, a Connemara who is right on the line for us, because he can be very cheeky, but he is low to the ground, with a sizable center of balance.

- Fabulous, a wonderful elder statesman who has earned his name. If you bite it off of Fabulous, we may not admit to knowing you. (Once you’ve dropped off your pie and ice cream, that is.)

Third Amendment to Rule #1: If your fall gives you the joy of an ambulance ride, you’re exempt from Rule #1. (We’re not total jerks.)

And the Fourth Amendment to Rule #1, aka the Wet Foot, Dry Foot Amendment: If you fall off in the water, you’re exempt. When we take the horses swimming, we do so sans saddles, and if you’ve never tried to hang onto a wet horse with just your thighs, particularly when it’s a little sneak like Midge who likes to twist on his way out of the water… let’s just say that even Suzanne Sommers would understand if you were a lawn dart.

So falling off in the water is a pie-free offense, not to mention much less likely to cause you to need painkillers. (I remember the date of my most recent tetanus shot because I stupidly tried to hang on to Midge as he was making a break for it, and held on ’til dry land. I was successful for about three strides. I regret it, but the peanut butter pie was excellent, with my Vicodin chaser.)

So if you’re going to do this, don’t do it like this. (If memory serves, Natasha made us Key Lime Pie for this particular transgression. If you listen closely, I think you can hear Danny asking for his with extra whipped cream right before she hits the dirt.)

And now, the audience participation phase. My staff and I have always wanted an extra-special Bonus Edition of the Rules of Pie that apply specifically to horse shows, i.e. if you fall off at a show it’s pie plus some sort of creative punishment. It needs to be hilarious and embarrassing but not actually disparaging.

My idea was that if you fall of at a show, you have to go to the announcer’s stand and tell them that it’s your birthday, and therefore every time you compete over the weekend the announcer shall include that it’s your birthday and everyone will stare at you and clap, and we’ll all chuckle knowing why, but this was shot down because what if you fall off on the last day of the show? It was suggested that we just tell the show announcer that you fell off, but I feel like that’s too mean.

So I’m looking for suggestions. Something creative, appropriate for all ages, and just the right level of embarrassing. Submit your suggestion in the comments! I’ll announce the winner on Facebook in a week.
Lauren Sprieser on Facebook


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