Santa, Baby

Dec 15, 2012 - 12:25 AM
Ian is getting into the holiday spirit (though all he wants for Christmas are treats).

Dear Santa,

I’ve expressed my displeasure at the particularly disgusting consumer culture we’ve become in the last few months already, but I’d like to think that I’ve been a good girl this year, which means you’ll be coming down the chimney for me in a few weeks. (Actually, since I don’t have a chimney, you’ll probably have to sneak in through a heating duct or something. Sorry about that. You’ll be pleased to know that, since my HVAC system pooped out last month, I had a new one installed (at ridiculous expense) and had everything cleaned out in the process, so you shouldn’t get barn schmutz on your neat red suit.)

Anyway, I don’t need any stuff. But if you’re turning up anyway, there are a few things I could use.

- I would like a Magic Crud Remedy that stops leg funk before it even starts. Thinking about the delightful wee beasties looming in the post-hurricane-Isaac Floridian “soil” (let’s use that term loosely) gives me heart palpations. My two chrome-y chestnuts and I thank you in advance.

- Santa, we’ve got to do something about that lady on the tv ads. That jingle makes me want to hurt someone in ways that are extremely unladylike, and I know that’s not very festive for the season, but seriously. It is AWFUL.

- I would greatly appreciate a little bottle of motivation to keep in my pocket for the days when I’m exhausted and hungry and all I want to do is curl into the fetal position on the couch for an hour, but that hour is the only one I’ve got to work out, bike, run, etc. I’m grateful for how busy I’ve been and how booming my business is, but sometimes the temptation of the couch is too much to resist.

- I’d love the ability to do the 2s in the showring on Midgey like I do them in the warm-up. AAHHHH.

- Could you bestow upon me, Santa, the ongoing good fortune in keeping my horses and my friends sound and healthy? It hasn’t been a perfectly vet-bill-free year, but everything we dealt with this year was recoverable, and I appreciate that.

- Between the three of us at Sprieser Sporthorse, we’d greatly appreciate men in our lives with the following skills: cook, handyman, trailer driver, son/nephew/relative of farm equipment store owner who could get us a swell deal on something to replace our piece of &^@#$! John Deere Gator (although, Santa, I must confess that watching Allison cuss it up and down every morning because the bugger won’t start OR go when it’s cold is pretty hilarious). Not all of these attributes need to be in one man; we could divvy them up amongst us.

- Santa, I’d like someone to invent a waterproof muck shoe that lasts longer than 6 months and isn’t ugly as sin. I mean, seriously. This is America, and this is the 21st century. This has to be possible.

- Last but not least, Santa, I wish for perspective. I fight the good fight; I keep my eye on the prize. In 2013, I hope to spend a little less time sweating the small stuff and remembering the bigger picture.

As always, Santa, I appreciate your time and wish you fair winds and elastic waistband pants for all those cookies. See ya soon!




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