The Grieving Process: Taking Care Of Yourself

Paul T. Haefner Ph.D., of Leesburg, Va., is a clinical psychologist with numerous equestrian clients and is himself a horse owner and lifelong equestrian. In this article,  Haefner offers advice on how to cope with the death of a horse.

Q: What emotional preparations might an owner make ahead of time to help ease the pain of putting down a chronically ailing horse?

A: There’s a lot of variance in terms of the way people respond emotion-ally to events like this and in terms of what will be helpful for them. Some of the commonly helpful ways to prepare are to spend extra time with the animal; also to gather mementoes and discuss with others the history you’ve shared with the horse. We recently had a family horse that died, and one of the things my kids did was to draw pictures and write stories about the things they’d done with her.

Q: What range of emotions can an owner expect to experience when a horse dies unexpectedly?

A: Often, they’ll experience everything from disbelief to denial to anger to very deep sadness. Again, it’s the type of thing that hits people very differently, but it can include all of the stages of human grief–because people tend to develop very intimate and powerful relationships with their horses.

Q: On the day an owner’s horse is scheduled for planned euthanasia, should she take the day off from work?

A: Some people definitely will want to set aside time for themselves so they won’t have to face the regular demands of their day. They may want to spend that day with close friends, or at least to give themselves the flexibility to take that time off if they feel they need it. But some people find it helpful to have something they can throw themselves into. They might welcome having work to provide a distraction [from their sorrow] and something to focus on.  

Q: Should an owner save a lock of mane or tail, a set of pulled horseshoes or that sort of thing?

A: A lot of people benefit from having some kind of ritualized remembrance of their horse, and that type of thing can be very helpful. Other people might want to put together a small scrapbook.

Q: Is it better for an owner to be present at the time of euthanasia, or to have someone stand in for her?

A: That truly is a matter of personal choice–I don’t think there’s a right way or wrong way to proceed in this circumstance. For some people, it’s important to them to be with their horse through the very end. For other people, it’s very difficult, so they might want to entrust a good friend to go through the process for them. But the important thing is to avoid feeling that you have to do something because someone tells you that’s the right way to do it. People need to appreciate that they can make their own choices.

Q: At what age should a child be allowed to witness the euthanasia, and/or view the post-mortem body of the horse?